I am compulsive and it gets me into trouble.
I used to compulsively look at porn. I have not done that for nearly two years.
I have looked at porn but I have not looked at porn compulsively.
I compulsively write this blog. I used to really enjoy it. The blog used to be lively and light-hearted. Of late it has become a tool for me to compulsively work out my problems, my resentments and my fears.
I get up in the morning and compulsively check the numbers of people who read these pages. My breath is shallow and I become pensive, my fingers ache and my mind races. The modern opera that plays almost constantly in my head is, as I check the blog, full volume.
That’s not all I do. I compulsively look at Huffington Post and the BBC then check the MLS and other regular sites. I use the internet as a distraction from living life. Instead of wasting my time I could be writing other stuff or doing more constructive things.
At therapy this morning I talked about being authentic as a way of dealing with my compulsivity but its going to take more than that. What is it to be authentic? For me it’s neither about being bigger or smaller than I am. I need to be the right size.
I ruthlessly seek authenticity in others as well as strive for it in myself. As a result of these unrealistic expectations I am disappointed by those I love then tend to isolate. Risking being seen is just too overwhelming. This accounts for why I felt so let down by him. When you reveal yourself absolutely to another and they have little or no respect or appreciation..well..out comes the great protector who forces me to sweat in the armour of distrust.
It’s bloody difficult when one has acted a convincing role all of ones adult life to be authentic. The role that was assigned to me by my family of origin.
For the time being I have to do the right thing. Be that right guy, avoid difficult or challenging people, strive for a peaceful head.
Peace of mind.
Of course the last few months acting out my love and sex addiction with him may one day be looked back upon as some of the most destructive time that I have ever spent with another being. It may not. I am tied in knots about it.
My part in everything, every situation I am in, it all has to be owned. Owned by me.
If I refuse to take action and stop this destructive behavior then the peace of mind that I crave, that when I first got sober used to be mine…will never, ever be achieved.
Picked four small peaches from the tree. Had date last night. Spent time packing art.
11 replies on “Compulsive”
We are taught to love others as children. “Give Granny a kiss.” “Give Uncle Charlie a hug.” Our first memories are of ourselves giving to others. No one teaches us to love ourselves. If you think of what’s best for you, the first words you hear are “Don’t be selfish”. 37 years after my birth, I got selfish. I stopped being friends with people I didn’t really like and who didn’t like me. I stopped having sex with people I didn’t know or like. I didn’t even want them to see me naked. The 10 years since then have been the best of my life. Get selfish.
Bravo! Well said Sonia.
Brava from me as well. (((Hugs)))
gotta love that thinking!
Totally agree, no pandering to love interests any more, no lttle notes, no gifts, just here I is warts an’ all. You want to be in my (selfish) life? okay, then worship at my shrine, cos baby I am DONE worshiping at any man’s shrine.
result? oh yes results, a flock of ’em, all waiting to kiss my feet, (they are beautiful feet! see I am conceited too)
D, please finish writing that list, and every day tell yourself you are FABULOUS, EXOTIC, HANDSOME, CREATIVE(IN BED AND OUT) oh my the p . grigio is kickin in.
Lighten up dude. you have it going on, big time.
love this blog and all the people who love you too.
I am so sorry you feel this way. I wish I could take the pain away, your self doubt your loneliness and give you Peace of mind and the love that you so much crave. I feel your Paine I am so sorry
Duncan: Please don’t beat yourself up, instead, do what Sonia said: “Get selfish”.
Duncan,
How about a follow up to “A.K.A.” when you’re ready? “Deconstructing Duncan”. Or just write it. For yourself.
Blessings,
Amanda
yes that is a great idea.
This arrived today on FB
Hi Duncan,
Fan from afar here.
Just a quick note to say that your latest post really hit home. Described me to a T, as they say. I felt like you were writing about me. In that, I found it a bit frightening (my heart pounding, almost afraid someone was looking over my shoulder) and simultaneously liberating… Someone else feels the way I do. I thought I was alone in my confusion.
You don’t know how many times I’ve told a friend or a lover or a therapist that I wanted “to be authentic.” At 34, I’m beginning to think that my vision of who I am (or want to be) is just a vision. The reality is authentic (even if I don’t want to face it), because it’s all there really is. I don’t know. There’s a split in me, I often feel torn in half… the whole me was taken from me when I was 6 or 7…
Anyway, I struggle just as you. I find comfort in and love your blog. Your ups and downs, your revelations, your brutal honesty are like a kick in the gut. A wake up call. I watched CR mainly for you. In a strange attraction/connection because I identified with you on so many levels.
Just know that I pump my fist in the air to support you. I’d hug you if I could.
Thanks for your words.
I’d offer your correspondent a hug if I could. I’m sure that all of us here would. And encouragement to keep walking the path. Maybe you can do that on FB from all of us?
Blessings.
Duncan,
Compulsiveness, whatever form it takes, is about protection from fear and anxiety. From the way that you describe checking the blog, it sounds like there’s a lot of anxiety going on. Why? That’s up to you to get a handle on. Instead of Decartess’ “I think, therefore I am”, with you, it almost seems “I write — and am read — therefore I am.” To use another analogy, you’ve lived your life flamboyantly, creating somewhat larger than life personas and now you’re in the process of stripping all the masks off and finding out who the real Duncan is. Which pieces of the other personae are really, authentically you and which ones you need to discard. It’s a process. You’re in a way, deconstructing Duncan, and putting yourself back together again. A bit scary.
Plus, you’ve authenticated yourself by your creativity and others responses to it but you’re not putting a lot of energy into acting, screenplay writing, directing right now. Either, because you feel blocked or have been distracted. I think that the blog is useful, in that without a lot of contact with people, physically, interacting and talking, it’s your way of making sense of the things in your life and in your head by showing your words to us, reaching out, getting verification or validation or disagreement. Then, you can take what you can use and leave the rest as they say in group.
I think that you’re undergoing a process of transformation, Duncan. You need to be gentle with yourself and not judge it. Just be.
Being the right size is about finding out who you are down deep. Not what society, gay or straight, says you are. Not what your family, accepting or not, says you are. What you find and know yourself to be. Who that wonderful little boy was and who he would have grown up to be. Wear the colors of your soul. Get in touch with it and you will never have to worry about being the right size to fit in anywhere. You will simply — be.
Write short poems, write very short stories. Etch. Sew clothes for wounded soldiers that need adapted clothing when they’re in hospital: http://www.sewmuchcomfort.org/ Do something to get your creativity going again and to get yourself out of your head. And the blog’s okay. Just try not to obsess. And remember that you’re surrounded by good energy and the rest don’t mean nothin’. Float on. Soar.
Blessings,
Amanda