Had a great night out with my friend Ryan. We headed over to Tod’s shoe store on Rodeo in Beverly Hills for a party that a bunch of worthy LAers were throwing to welcome Jeffrey Deitch the new MOCA director to a bunch of LA’s finest. Jessica Alba, Kate Beckinsale, Angelica Huston etc etc.
Met up with Miggy and her girlfriend and their charming journalist friend from the Sunday Times who had seen the sex rehab show. He seemed really impressed. It is so odd to have left something indelible in the life of another. It is even odder to have people come up to you who are well known (famous even) telling you how much you have helped them. Ended up chatting to Gavin Rossdale about our friend Sebastian Horsley who is best known for crucifying himself in the Philippines-with real nails in his palms. He then fell off the cross.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0n_ys40CrM]
Leaving something indelible stayed with me throughout dinner at the 101-where we ate the Thursday Fried Chicken Special of course.
I was going onto another party but bailed after dinner, I need to be on my own. To get used to it once again.
Indelible, irrevocable-something irrevocable. Changing somebody irrevocably. I may have done that too often to count on the fingers of two hands.
This time I am changed irrevocably. Something has shifted in me. Most of the people I have gotten close to recently have in some way been associated with or saw the sex rehab show. My generous NYC friend, my recently ended relationship and Jennie, let’s not forget Jennie. I think it maybe time to reconnect to those I knew before.
I think that even though these new friends know my story they don’t really take how seriously I believe in the power of recovery. I really do believe in the tenets of AA. I really do.
I came so close during the past month to using alcohol and drugs because I so desperately wanted to fit in with my new friend. I told him that I would take drugs so our sex life would get better. I thought about taking a drink. I seriously considered it. But if I had what would I have been left with now? Nothing. No relationship, no sobriety, absolutely nothing. At the end of the day all I own is my sobriety and my name.
There are fire trucks outside the building.
So, I pass through to the other side. Where I am on my own again. With out recourse to long, late night conversations. I am on my own and happy to be so.
The other burgeoning relationship in my life is with a young man who came to me for help with his sex addiction. He came along at just the right moment. To help him recover from a masturbation addiction. He checks in every day and God, yet again, is doing for me what I refuse to do for myself. Rather than drowning in self-pity I am helping a man less fortunate than myself and so, yet again, I am changed, refocused.
I had a short text exchange with the other this evening and rather than making me hanker for him it just made things easier to deal with. My darling New York boy is on his true path and that, I suppose, is something to do with me. A helping hand out of the darkness and into the light. An irrevocable change.
How many people fall in love with the person who helps save their life? Not many. Who is falling in love with the firemen or the nurse or the doctor?
Very sleepy now. I need to sink under the sheets and tomorrow-well perhaps I will be able to write the other stuff I write. Maybe.
5 replies on “Indelible/Irrevocable”
i believe you believe in the transformative power of the 12 step solution or i woukd never write the stuff i write to you. i am not so sure you understand the difference between humility and humiliation. or of getting out of one’s own way. or co-dependency.
some have posited, and i believe, that co-dependency is the root addiction, the mother of them a
all.
from the vantage point of many years of recovery, NOT perfection, let me suggest you begin trying alanon meetings. it is not mandatory you like what you hear or the people you meet. just listen… and read. try as many different meetings as you can. not all meetings are created equal.
good luck, my friend,
jack
…How many people fall in love with the person who helps save their life?….my husband,,,,xo
Stay strong.
You didn’t sacrifice your sobriety for love.
Even if you came horribly close…
thank God, you didn’t.
A miracle?
Duncan,
I’m glad that you had a nice night out with interesting company. I hope this finds you with reams of metaphorical foolscap filled with writing. I hope that you have been recharged after a deep, deep restful sleep.
Questions:
You mentioned in another post that you were in Malibu and that it makes you morbid… why? I would think that being near the water — although no substitute, perhaps, for Whitstable — would be soothing for you.
Why do you have to learn to be alone… since you AREN’T? You are no longer a secret couple but YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You have friends. Which brings me to…
Why can you no longer have long, late night conversations? I’m sure that there are scads of people — maybe a new/old sponsor since you are sponsoring someone — that would be more than willing to chat into the wee hours, that are available on Skype and are in LA or better yet, on EST [the time zone, not the self help group or maybe you have friends who are. 😉 ] so that with the weird 3 hour time shift, you don’t even have to feel guilty about keeping anyone up. Your interlocutor, for example — when the bloody Internet service is connected — would be charmed to have a chat. 🙂
As for people falling in love with the person who saves their life… it’s called transference, dude. It happens enough that there are ethical and therapeutic guidelines to insure that neither the therapist/patient, doctor/patient, rescuer/… etc. get into deep water and harm’s way. Common fantasy. Messy & dangerous in real life.
Real love accepts you where you are and encourages the best in you to emerge. It does not tempt you to endanger your sobriety and hence your very life in order to make things work. So much of our culture confuses obsession and erotomania with love. You need look no further than the Sting song “Every Breath You Take” or the seemingly sweet Temptations “Just My Imagination”. Your saner, healthier self nipped this blooming co-dependence/obsession/whatever in the bud. Maybe that’s what those child voices were trying to tell you… that you were endangering that little kid within you and re-traumitizing yourself. Albeit unwittingly.
Your soulmate is out there. Have fun along the journey but don’t settle. Don’t tell yourself that you have to settle. Accept that you are in a better place than you’ve been. You’re in your body and you’re feeling your emotions. You’re making saner choices and when you go off the beam, your soul’s compass pulls you back to the Light.
Please reach out to someone, new or old. You’ve been wounded and you want to isolate but please don’t. I believe that your new friends — like the inestimable, Jennie — DO understand how much you believe in the power of recovery. You really are blessed. Please accept it. *Metal Rabbit hands Duncan some frangipani (or plumeria, if you prefer.).*
Blessings,
Amanda