I woke up overwhelmed with resentment. Furious. I hate that. Starting the day feeling angry. But as it turned out the day got a whole lot better.
It started like this:
Oh Fuck! Why did I do it? Why did I respond to his advances? Why did I give up my sexual sobriety for him? Why did I convince myself that he could be the one?
I woke up not wanting to hurt myself but wanting to hurt him.
My friend Sarah is staying here so I managed not to look at pornography last night, obviously I don’t isolate when people are around. So I don’t let those dark thoughts get the better of me.
Then I wrote a fuming email to Him.
After half an hour he wrote back and it was obvious that I had petrified the poor boy with my vicious note so after a lengthy and what turned out to be a very positive and unusually healthy email exchange it seems that we can now move forward as friends. Just friends-even though we still both care very much and, rather amazingly, fancy the hell out of each other.
I had a long conversation with my dear friend J about the nature of love and why it inspires such extreme emotions in me. All family of origin stuff. When I start to get that crazy feeling my entire body feels like it is going to reject every organ in my body. I heard the words ‘i love you’ in such appalling ways-whispered late in the night. It should come as no surprise that I have such problems with it.
It was just the kind of conversation that aids recovery.
I finally understood that if I had self esteem (something at which I used to sneer at the mere mention) and could truly love who I am then I would never let unhealthy people into my life. I act as if I have no choice. I have plenty of choice. And what of past loves? I have operated an open door policy for the vulnerable and the damaged, to assure yourself a place in my lovers hall of fame tell me you are straight then tell me that you love me and watch me drown in self doubt.
After the email exchange with Him and the life affirming conversation with J the day just got better and better.
Throw a sweet letter from Jennie K into the mix, Anna coming to the house and shooting a spoof commercial for Lesbian Menopause Treatment that had us rolling around the sitting room laughing until we cried, tea with Joe on Cahuenga and hey presto we have a jolly nice day. You see? If I had killed myself I would be killing the wrong guy.
I need to get my act together. I have wasted too much time this past few months on YOU. Now we are friends-as we should have always been. See..it wasn’t too hard was it?
All I have to do now is write my book, finish my film and I might not be a washed up old queen tied to the trauma of ‘i love you’.
Let’s see if I can be loved this year. Allow myself to be loved. Let the words be heard. Bring it on.
14 replies on “Good Day”
sucks when it happens…we make bad choices when our growing up environment is saddened by dysfunction…I know..here i am single again after 7 years..i think i have attracted every guy that resembled my fathers behavior…lets see
1st marriage..alcoholic and unemployed
2nd marriage..controller so bad i nearly because a suicidal alcoholic
3rd relationship..drug dealer
4th relationship..physical abuse and infidelity..
have a missed anymore dysfunction?
So happy to know you have good healthy friends around you right now. Good to be able to see a smile on your face come through in your post.
Sending love your way …
You’ve been in my thoughts a lot my friend, I’m glad you’re “allowing” yourself to be loved. You deserve it. Having a great group of friends around you always helps on this journey.
Duncan,
You stated, “I don’t isolate when people are around. So I don’t let those dark thoughts get the better of me.” I could definitely relate…when I’m going crazy and want to act out…if other people are around…in the hosue etc…I just don’t do it…probably a good thing I have two roomates at the moment…
I love you. So there. Be the healthy, graceful, lovable, and compassionate Duncan I know you are.
Ups and downs are fine. Left and right as well. It’s the grinding halt that damages. Now… Moving forward… Hard. But rewarding.
Everything is going to be okay, because it is right now, in this moment, because it is all we have and all we are. YOU taught me that.
Saucy says hello.
Duncan,
I am so very, very glad for you. So good to see you in the Light, literally, and figuratively. I really like the symbolism of the light & shadows in the picture. Bravo! Take a bow! *Metal Rabbit hands Duncan a bouquet of roses* I don’t know what your favorite flower is, so those will have to do for now. Or morph them in your fancy to your favorite. They’re virtual after all. 😉
It seems that you do better when you have company. Like Heather said as well. Maybe, as much as you fiercely cherish your privacy and space, it might be good to invite a rotating group of friends to spend some time off and on. Your own special sobriety protection brigade. People who are working on projects and need a breather to regenerate to keep moving on. You could have your own little salon and I bet their enthusiasm would be catching.
Now, if you could only stop calling yourself names. Old, washed up? Bollocks, as you’d say. Tina Turner was doing rock concerts in her fifties; a retrospective on TCM about Claude Rains mentioned that he didn’t START his film career until his forties; Georgia O’Keefe, only weeks before her death at 98, was still painting. Think longevity. It really is a marathon, not a sprint. STOP BEATING UP ON YOURSELF. If you must flagellate yourself, again, do it with work, not words.
Someone mentioned somatic therapy a while back. I think with your imprisoned emotions finally coming up and out that that REALLY might be good idea. And some sort of therapeutic massage, so your body and you, can learn that touch can be healing and kind and then when you choose to be sexual, you can relate in freedom and not be bound by the memories of past trauma. I’m sure that your friends in LA can recommend someone who can be trusted. If you’re like me, it will probably be more than a bit scary to be touched by someone when it’s not in the sexual arena where we tell ourselves that we have control. BE KIND TO YOURSELF.
You’re just awakening. Everything is new and strange and maybe scary, but isn’t that what can be so amazing, so joyous? Like your “Day of Wonder”? I believe that you will have many, many more. And some regular work-a-day periods like the rest of humanity. Yes, you are a part of humanity. What was the joke… “No man is not an island. He is a peninsula.” Welcome to a new world. Treat your inner child and you, gently.
Blessings,
Amanda
Duncan,
Me, again. I don’t expect to see this posted. It’s just for you. I did a quick search on “somatic therapy” and this is the 1st page that came up and I shamelessly, copied it. (I especially liked this part: “Being out of touch with our feelings is like being an outfielder in a baseball game with our backs to home plate. We don’t even know the ball is coming toward us unless it hits us.”) It is given it’s attribution after all, to whit:
Welcome to the Inner-healing Web Site
hosted by F. Michael Montgomery, LCSW, MFT
Therapy for the heart, mind, body and spirit in a safe and healing setting
This Inner-healing web site is a resource center for the support and promotion of personal growth and healing. My desire is to support people in their own healing through the compassionate and courageous work of their hearts.
Somatic Therapy
What is the focus of somatic therapy?
Somatic therapy is a holistically oriented therapy which integrates the mental, emotional, spiritual and physical aspects of each of us. It accomplishes this by helping us to become aware of our bodies and the sensations we experience through them. When our mind can be so busy with worries, schedules and concerns, our body’s awareness and breathing can help us to focus on what we are experiencing in the moment. It is so easy for our mind to get lost in what has happened in the past or what will happen in the future. When we take the time to focus, we can become aware of those places where we are “holding.” That is, we can recognize those places where we are tight, sore or uncomfortable. It may be our stomach, shoulders, neck or head that we realize is tight or uncomfortable. We may not have even known that we were uncomfortable until we stopped and paid attention.
How does somatic therapy work?
Taking time to check in with ourself provides us with an avenue for getting in touch with what we are feeling and experiencing rather than just being lost in our thoughts and activities. It is while focusing like this that we may notice other sensations or feelings that may arise. It is natural, especially if any of these sensations are uncomfortable, to want to change our focus, to move away from them. What are these sensations about? The sensations we have tell us something about what is going on within us. Those areas where we are tight are areas where we are in some way holding on to something. Whenever we have had some painful or traumatic experience, we carry not only the memory and feelings connected with that experience, but we “remember” it physically as well. It is a kind of bodily memory of that event. And it is expressed through a contraction of muscle or of tissue or a loss of freely flowing energy in an area of our body that is in someway connected with that event for us. Sometimes that connection may be very symbolic. Perhaps we struggle with someone who is a real pain in the neck and we find that our neck becomes tight when we are around them. Many times we may not be aware of what the connection is. It is not nearly as important to understand what the connection is as it is to simply be aware of what we are experiencing.
What do we do with our awareness?
What do we do when we notice our sensations? Stay with them! Notice how we may want to move away or do anything but stay with what we are experiencing. Yet it is so important that we stay with it as best we can. If we allow ourselves to be curious about what is happening, to want to explore and to honor what comes up for us we are already involved in our healing. Even if we are only able to do this for a moment. It is a moment of healing.
The role of the therapist.
It is important here to comment on the role of the therapist. It is the task of the therapist to be very present in a supportive and caring way with the client. In being very present with and focused on the client, the therapist is also in a place to give the client feedback about what is observed with the client. This support and feedback helps the client in becoming more aware of their own experience and helps to validate the client’s experience. This is an important aspect of the therapy.
The client generally experiences this as having a good and caring rapport with the therapist. If this is not present, it may be that the relationship is not a good match because of personality or other factors. On the other hand, there are those times when the experiences that are touched on in the client may bring up anger or pain from the client’s past that may become focused on the therapist. What is important to do here is to bring this up with the therapist. A good therapist will be willing and comfortable in helping the client to work through ALL of these issues. This is the opportunity to work them through and not just keep them buried and remain stuck with them.
What happens through our awareness?
Through somatic therapy, as a person becomes more aware of their sensations, these sensations become the cues that “something” is going on for them. These cues become reminders to us to tap into what we are currently experiencing. We are so often unaware of what we are feeling and experiencing in the present moment. Whenever we can become more aware of what is happening with us, we can often make better choices and decisions. Being out of touch with our feelings is like being an outfielder in a baseball game with our backs to home plate. We don’t even know the ball is coming toward us unless it hits us. We certainly can’t catch it. Or for instance, if in a relationship I find I always walk away from any disagreement, somatic work can help us uncover what it is we are experiencing. We often genuinely don’t know what it is we are feeling. We may know we are uncomfortable but not sure what about. Getting in touch with whatever sensations we are aware of in the moment can help us in uncovering what is happening for us. This can lead to our being able to stay present in the relationship to work out whatever issues arise. Otherwise we may just condemn ourselves to repeating the same old patterns without resolving anything.
Long term effects of somatic therapy.
Somatic therapy is like a tool we can use in our ongoing and lifelong journey of growth and healing. As we become more aware of our bodies and their sensations in a compassionate way (see Articles: What Is Healing About), we actively work on our healing. The awareness we develop we take with us always, whether in therapy or not. This allows us to live our lives in ways that is more reflective of who we are, what we believe in and what we cherish.
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If you could/would write a letter to the bastard who raped you, what would you say… as a young child, as a grown man? It needs to come out. And later… I’m not one to contemplate forgiveness until really far along in the process of recovery and it’s up to the person. Period. As, I’m not yet there myself. It’s too facile. Like pasting a Bandaid with a smiley face on a suppurating war wound. I do recommend this book, “Amish Grace: How Forgiveness Transcended Tragedy” and this, “Left to Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust” by Immaculée Ilibagiza (She survived. No one else in her family or village did.) Just to open your heart a little. To realize that people do survive true evil as you did, and can thrive.
Blessings,
Amanda
Having a good day isnt as hard as it seems is it now?
Props to you for all the hard work your doing, and thats what it really is..hard work.
Remember to enjoy the fruits of all that work and have fun in your life.
Some times thats hard too, but you have all the things there to have fun, good friends, a lovely lil dog, bananas that grow in your yard. Have a lovely weekend, and enjoy the time you are happy, no one is happy 24-7, but take that one day at a time thing and work it! Enjoy the sun and spring, as i look out at the literal mountains of snow and i really , really hate shoveling.
Duncan I am so glad you are feeling better today.I was very sad at reading your post yesterday and you had given up on everything. Hang in there mate! I often feel like pacing up and moving home, mostly when I get a health ins bill!But I get over it.
I love Amanda’s posts, very insightful.Best of all is the news that you and JennieK are in touch.
Watching a train wreck Sober house again, Kari Ann??? wtf? It’s nice seeing Jenny K looking so pretty and fresh. Have you noticed the change in looks these addicts have after sobriety? Let your vanity think of that when you feel like being porny, it makes you ugly body and soul and you my dear are too handsome and smart to live in a cave with unwashed clothes and mess.
Have a lovely lovely weekend.
ps I also like date and walnut loaf.
The somatic experiencing techniques have really helped me–it is an excellent tool for overcoming the effects of any kind of trauma AND for learning to trust yourself in the world. One of the most difficult effects of trauma is the feeling of paralysis or helplessness that is the result of having been powerless. People who were able to act to help themselves or others at the time of a traumatic event don’t suffer the same long-term anxiety, stress, etc. If the trauma placed you in a situation where you couldn’t do anything, you learned to freeze (and/or dissociate), a condition that is easy to slip back into in any situation where the feelings of helplessness come up. Your brain has been wired to react that way. SE teaches you how to update your wiring!
Now I must go and bake a banana walnut loaf as I can’t get yours out of my head.
Take good good care of yourself today.
Duncan,
As I didn’t see a new post yesterday, I’m hoping it’s because you’re staying away from your tech for sobriety reasons. In which case, good on you.
It then occurred to me that you might be going to London for your friend, Kristian’s funeral, as you had mentioned that you would say goodbye this week. If this is so, please be kind to your heart and your mad head. HOLD ON TO THE LIGHT. From a song that I play a lot: “There’s a light that shines in the darkness, Sees them through.” BELIEVE IT.
I guess that it’s mid-afternoon in London, (I looked it up on a world clock website.) and I don’t know what time the funeral was or will be, but I hope that this finds you bearing up. May angels surround you. May the peace of God be upon you.
Blessings,
Amanda
I can tell you’re getting stronger, wiser and making healthier choices, and most of what I know of you is just from reading three months worth of what’s on this writing desk.
It surely must be more obvious to you and those who know you in person.
(I posted about the most evil job I ever held, EEK!)
Duncan, you are incredibly gifted with words. You wrote about how articulate Phil was, and I was (for some reason) struck by that. I thought it was ironic because you are just as (if not moreso) articulate. Your ability is such that you articulated (accurately) while feeling whatever emotion prompted you to express yourself, while Phil separated and observed (yes, the diplomat, so well put). I loved every part of your raw vulnerability; your bitchiness one moment, and the next, raucous laughter at yourself for it! Just brilliant! Hey, I’m with you (along with millions) down the road of fucked up kids all grown up. This path you walk is not lightly travelled. You really are never alone. Namaste, Duncan! You rock!