I always assume that anyone I meet is gay, the same way straight people assume (unless a flaming queen) every man they meet is straight. Consequently most straight men I meet are perplexed at the sort of small talk I make with them. Last week for instance someone mentioned that he was meeting his fiance and I said, “He’s a lucky guy to be marrying you.” This caused him to nearly drop his wine glass. He spluttered nervously that he was straight. “Oh!” I said as he dabbed at dribbled wine over his jacket. “What a waste.”
Now, I am NOT the sort of man who thinks every man I meet is gay but I must always assume that he is until told otherwise. It’s the only way these men are going to learn how to be inclusive.
Another funny example: two men having lunch with their small dog. As they were leaving I asked them about their dog and mentioned how, in my opinion, a dog really improves a relationship…were they thinking about having children? They looked increasingly horrified as they realised that I thought that they were a couple. They said, “Oh, we’re not gay. Nothing could be further from the truth. We’re straight.”
The reaction always amuses me. Men are still insulted by the insinuation that they might be gay. Pathetic.
Update on Irene the mad woman from Hawaii. Last night she informed me that she had called the Lost Hills Police Department reporting me as a terrorist. I am assuming because my father was Persian? Anyway, so far Homeland Security have not interviewed me about this and I imagine that they won’t be any time soon.
Why doesn’t she just go to small claims court?
Anyway, she is reporting me to the IRS, the California Governor etc. etc. To Irene I am a regular Bernie Madoff.
The bottom line: even if I wanted to benevolently return the money she says is owed to her she has caused such internet havoc and destruction I simply can’t. I am not going to. She thinks that her internet attacks on me are somehow going to force my hand. What she simply cannot comprehend is the following fact about me: I do not care about my ‘reputation’. As I mentioned to her last night during one of her frenzied email bombardments the worst has already been said about me, nothing that she says is either new or bothers me.
Finally, last night, her gay friend sent me an odious email mocking my cancer scare. All for $800? They want me dead for $800?
Great morning at therapy today. Wonderful. I am in very good spirits. mainly because I don’t have a blood sucking fame whore at my tit sucking the life out of me. Oh, it’s 4pm on the east coast, he is probably already stoned, on web cam showing off his only asset.
The most annoying thing about Jake is that before meeting him that cold January afternoon in the East Village I had a meeting with agent David Vigliano who was really interested in working with me. Jake called him Vig the pig.
I have a GREAT idea. Irene you should call him, perhaps he’ll offer you and your friend a book deal.
Never assume men are straight until they tell you categorically that they are.
It just isn’t worth it.