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Gorgeous day here in Malibu. Another day on the beach with the twins. They are dragging me out of the house and making me laugh. More to come. A heat wave with record-breaking temperatures. I may go into rehab sooner than I thought. Long chat with therapist/admin at Pinegrove Mental Health Facility in Hattiesburg Miss.
The film is progressing. We have a title at last.
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Yo. Walks on the Malibu beach. SAA meetings. Feel a bit better. Now that I have a plan. The film works so damned well. We are excited.
We picked lemons and grapefruits and cleaned out the plunge pool. We cooked dinner. We walked on the beach. I wrote more of my film. I met another DOP. I wrote more of my novel. I am presently writing a thousand words a day. More if I count this and the film. We planted a tree and swept the paths. The days are full up with life and laughter.
The twins are incredibly funny and kind. Their Mother called me yesterday and thanked me for looking after them. It’s a treat to do so. They are honest. They give more than they take.
I don’t want to go back to NYC so perhaps I won’t. There’s nothing there for me other than sadness. Disaster. Therapist Jill gets back this week and hopefully I can get myself into some sort of rehab by the beginning of May. It’s the only way I can imagine dealing with everything that has happened. The pain and the resentment.
I can start again.
He was wearing the jacket that I picked out for him in the most recent picture I have. Staring at a near empty pint of beer. I hope he chokes on that fucking beer. I hope that every time he pulls on his jacket he thinks of me and London and APC and how much I tried to help him. What lengths I was prepared to go to make his new gay life better.
You see? When you let a liar into your life what havoc they cause? What pain and suffering they inflict? Oh get over it I hear you say…but I am not like that. I can carry around a resentment for years. Some relationships take years to get over. Especially when you know in your heart that you will never love like you loved, feel what you feel, be what you were with the man who you loved…ever again. Even if he was a liar, even if he is impossible to forgive. Even if I want so badly to put things right and be at peace with the world.
The twins are off out to Santa Monica. They are leaving me here to write and ponder.
Life cheats us with shadows. We ask it for pleasure and it gives it to us with bitterness and disappointments in it’s train. Oscar Wilde.
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Great weekend in Malibu. Loads going on.
Therapy Saturday. Lunch with filmy people. Another lunch with Gabe and Toby in Venice.
Met two very sweet Redondo boys in coffee shop.
Writer arrived at 1pm. Twins came home on Sunday as I am working with writer. Both of them had a great night in Hollywood. They got so drunk and sick and in trouble but separately. They lay down looking worse for wear.
The writer left. I vacuumed the house.
Miami Henry popped over. Made dinner for the four of us. Twins surprised that I made the salad dressing.
Henry left after dinner. Bed at midnight.
Nothing more to report. I have been writing like a crazy person.
I am thinking of checking into rehab. Seriously. I can’t go on like this.
Gjelina with friends…$97.
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Fun in the city with the twins. On our way to Hollywood.
It’s their 21st birthday today. Happy Birthday Twins!
I spent time with John. Met up with Jenny in the Grove.
We saw Miral yesterday at the Arclight Cinema. Julian Schnabel‘s amazing new film. It was really beautiful. Good to see the other side of the Israel/Palestinian argument. Many people in Europe are pro Palestinian. More so that here.
How wouldn’t anyone become radicalized being tormented so?
The Bauman family should move to Israel, they would fit in very well there.
Jenny and I had coffee in Venice where we met a charming, beautiful boy.
When the twins got home late last night they bounced into my room and massaged my shoulders and feet. Random.
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When I left Joe after 7 years I could not understand why he was so angry with me.
I was old enough to know better.
Perhaps he had separation issues? My arrogant reasoning. Whatever it was, after I felt him his fury lasted for two years. Perhaps I deserved it? My ‘kindly’ leaving him, after all that I promised, was worth being punished for?
I know now that I certainly deserved it.
There is no good goodbye. There is no way to ‘kindly’ leave someone you have loved and who loves you. I loved Joe so badly but when it was time to go I had to pack my bags and leave. Of course…it was not going to be that simple…I had the full weight of a billionaire’s wrath focused on me. We ended up in court…well, I ended up outside a court room negotiating with his representative.
I was a litigant in person which meant that I repped myself. I handled my own divorce. I was happy with the outcome. Who wouldn’t be?
I was also, at that time, two years sober. I couldn’t have left him if I had been drinking. The foundation on which our relationship was built had been sodden with white wine and Maker’s Mark since we first met.
Even after we had thrown everything we could at one another during our very messy divorce I still wanted to be his friend. My love is not so easily discarded. Like it or not people (his friends) we have seen each other since that time. I wanted so badly to be at peace with him.
Surely that’s not unreasonable?
I made a hefty financial and emotional amends. I paid him over $1, 000, 000. I refused to hate him. Yet, like it or not, I was on a solitary path. On my own. From then on I just couldn’t bear the pain of falling out of love.
Not until last year did I risk opening my heart again. Ha! Look where that ended up. What galls me most is that I attempted, yet again, a kind goodbye and yet again I was rebuffed.
When relationships end it seems unthinkable that a workable peace cannot be achieved. That an amends can’t be made. That adults can’t find a solution and part amicably.
My part. What is my part? How do I take responsibility for my actions? The choices I make? I assure you that I know all too well that given the correct information ahead of time I will try to do the right thing.
Even if, as was the case, I was duped into my last relationship.
How can anyone make the right life choice when the facts have been so skewed?
When I am lied to, when the truth is withheld from me how am I expected to make good choices? That is how we find ourselves in this present pickle.
I simply would not have entertained knowing JB if he had told me the truth.
The house smells of hyacinth. The boys are making themselves midnight snacks. They dragged me to the movies. We saw Paul which we really enjoyed. We were the only people in the cinema.
We bought hyacinths to celebrate the spring…whilst storms clouds gathered on the horizon.
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Don’t think twice..it’s alright.
Darling Georgina, my Whitstable buddy, is sick with pneumonia. I am gravely worried about her. She works every hour God sends in her charming bed and breakfast, Copeland House on Island Wall.
She is a generous, kind, strong woman. A great friend to me and many, many others.
Please, Whitstable people make sure she is safe and well. Look out for her. Keep her in your prayers.
Like most people in Whitstable, I have known her for most of my life. We have been on all sorts of adventures together. Had our ups and downs. Who doesn’t?
She needs peace and quiet to recuperate.
I wish I could be there with her now to help but I am here. Perhaps I should get a flight this afternoon?
I am thinking of you darling. Thinking hard. Good, kind thoughts.
Who reads my blog? Some people find it by chance. Others are looking. For those who are looking…I say welcome. Welcome. I don’t care if I only get 500 readers a day…they are the 500 readers who need to read my blog. Friends, family…and the rest of you…who come to sneer and blame.
Raining again in LA.
Listening to Bob Dylan singing Isis.
Spent time in Venice with Mel and one of the twins.
Popped into see Drew who looked even more handsome than when I first met him. Exquisitely dressed. He hugged me. Two people who were once entangled and now can be kind to each other.
I would rather be on my own than put up with half measures.
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