NYC November. Beautiful day. Breakfast here in Veselka the polish restaurant on 9th Street then apartment hunting. I hope I don’t bump into him. I really do. I don’t know what I would do. Not angry with Jake today. Being back here in the thick of my life but laying on a bed where we had once been. I am getting over this so damned slowly. I keep wondering how many lies he told me? Who is this guy Richard Brooks who writes to me? His friend?
I remember him telling me that he would hang around his old apartment at night looking up at the window. Wishing that he was inside. That was when I gave a fuck. Now his behaviour just seems creepy and weird. A lonely drunk on the corner of a windswept street looking up at the window of someone whose life he had effectively stolen.
How would he feel if I hung out on the corner of his street in Westchester? Ewww.
Sometimes I wonder what it must be like to live such a lie, so complete, so utterly avoidable. Then I remember that for a few years I did..when I changed my name.
What must it feel like to wake up on the eve of your thirties and know that your conflicted life until that point had not been lived at all. Avoiding ones nature. In opposition to ones own nature?
Part of me wonders if Jake and I shouldn’t attempt to say that kind goodbye I so badly wanted in August but he dashed..then..the questions I need answering (haunting) one can’t imagine he would answer truthfully. He is such a fucking liar.
Sometimes I wonder if we will ever forgive one another? If that is possible?
I am looking at places in Gramercy Park and both East and West Village. Two bedrooms so I can have people stay. I am going to have what I want.
I left LA early yesterday morning. Ashley drove me to the airport.
I arrived in NYC yesterday afternoon, made my way into town, walked the dog. Met a man from off-line. Joan and Joe picked me up at 7.30. We had dinner in the West Village at the Little Owl. Met Amelia at the opening (soft) of the Derby. It was very shrill in there. The whole place needs calming down. Amelia very disgruntled. Used to having an audience of adoring fans she stands there miserably belting out songs for noisy, unappreciative diners.
Walked home at 2am and stopped in at the Phoenix. Sat with a friend.
Life becomes immediately full when I get here. January 1st I will be here full-time.
8 replies on “Veselka”
I have to admit I’m confused. I thought you were moving back to England. Now we find you in New York. Obviously my reading skills, or my reading between the line skills need a workover. Or maybe I confused home with England when what you really meant was NYC. Whichever, I’m glad you feel at home on the East coast and happier.
Im confused as well Dawn!
Don’t be Confused! I am stoping in NYC on my way to London. I am gong via Paris
this IS confusing…
This is the way I always go home…so the little dog can come too. What’s confusing about that? Unless you are being deliberately stupid?
No, we arent being deliberately stupid. But when you write lines like this, “I am looking at places in Gramercy Park and both East and West Village. Two bedrooms so I can have people stay. I am going to have what I want.”….this makes it seem as if you are looking for a two bedroom to move in to, to live in, not just stopping by a place on your way to England. And then Irena below says, “he is looking to relocate to NYC”….yes, its confusing. Sounds like you are moving there. Which obviously is news to us.
lol”Unless you are being deliberately stupid” just priceless I love your snyde answers. I think it got confusing since you are searching for an apt. at NYC that is it.
for the confused;
Duncan is going ‘home’ to England home being the place he was born.Us expats always call it ‘going home’.
He is going to England via Paris out of NY. so he can take little dog because to fly direct to England would mean quarantine for little dog.
Because the laws in the UK are different, we are an island seperated by the English channel whereas in Europe; (us brits call the big chunk of land across the english channel ‘Europe’ i.e France, Germany Belgium, Holland etc.) they allow entry that way to the UK without quarantine.
Don’t ask me why it should be different coming in from Paris, it just is.The rest of European laws are different from British laws regarding quarantine.confusing, yes.
Now, he is looking to relocate to NYC from “home/house” in LA.
Hope that clears it up,