The sunlight is steaming into my apartment. Everything here is so colourful. The silk cushions, the porcelain, the art. The little dog ate an entire chicken breast. Sara has set up camp in my apartment whilst she deals with her breakup and somehow her being here has given me an enriched perspective on my own situation that I didn’t previously have.
Eric, Sara and I drank English tea and ate thick slabs of banana and walnut loaf-I made two more of them yesterday-and gossiped.
Emotionally I am very strong but maybe only until the sunset, until the demons come knocking. These are old demons. Feeding off ancient insecurities, child hood trauma as well as present day fears. They have a veritable banquet of old behaviors, resentments, fears and shame from which to feed their ghoulish appetite.
This coming week has everything going for me. I am excited that American Airlines DOESN’T have WiFi.
An incredibly kind gesture by a very generous fan of Sex Rehab allows me to spend the next week in NYC. I leave on Wednesday.
I have a great deal of practical work to do this week as I have let almost everything else in my life slide as I was summoning all of my psychic power to will what I wanted most to come true. I am exhausted. I spent almost of all of Sunday in bed.
I unpacked my script and took a good hard look at it. Things have to start changing now. Harnessing the power of the universe to make huge amounts of cash- marshaling the money Gods to provide!
All of my art has gone off to auction. The app has to be developed-with help from by great lawyer. The house WILL be sold now the road that leads directly to it will get built. The great move East begins here.
On occasions I wonder who God wants me to be? If I am to be his humble servant or a leader amongst men. If I am present to accept the will of God then how do I square my ambition with my fear that I am taking my will and my life into my own hands? Ambition must be celebrated. Willfulness condemned.
By deciding to be part of Drew’s Sex Rehab I and my fellow Rehab travelers opened the door to much that American society considers taboo: sex addiction, sexual unmanageability, sexual powerlessness, the gay equivalent of all the above and my openness about erectile dysfunction. I have no shame what so ever discussing these issues as every time I do I am overwhelmed by the messages of hope that I receive from fellow sufferers who judge themselves by their inability rather than there ability.
Those of us who have been brutalized by abuse are forced to address the consequences we all suffer daily, consistently and forever.
Psychological and behavioral effects of child sexual abuse may include low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, fear, hostility, chronic tension, eating disorders, sexual dysfunction, self-destructive or suicidal behavior, post traumatic stress disorder, dissociation, multiple personality disorder, repeat victimization, running away, criminal behavior, academic problems, substance abuse and prostitution.
Gosh, I can tick most of those boxes.
Anyhow, as comes the solution so comes the erection. I love being sober. I love my life when it includes him.
There is a solution.
Sunset fears? No, not tonight.
14 replies on “Sunday Sunday”
I’m glad you can have a night without fears. I’m with you, I can tick off most of those boxes as well. I hope you sleep well tonight my friend.
I appreciate you for talking about your past still on your mind, especially at night when it seems like people are at their most vulnerable. It is honest and raw and I hope that you are able to shake those demons from your mind and that you will continue to do well. It’s been so inspiring to see you grow beyond the show.
from a land torn in half by a marathon ( LA marathon to be exact) take a note from Little Dog filled with chicken and rest your weary head.
Duncan,
I know that the demons can’t get you tonight, because you are opening yourself to the Light and as they are shadows, and only empowered by fear and darkness, they will crumble away. A friend of mine, who was trying to get into RADA, told me that where she was staying, a man would come to the houses with a cart filled with horse manure that the gardeners would buy; I don’t know if that still happens. When your mental demons crumble, it not only frees up your psychic energy but it gives you some lovely fertilizer to create with. I know that you’ll use it well.
I was trying to find something uplifting about creativity and the ability to have a prosperity consciousness and came across this in a book I’m reading — actually, rereading, as I need a refresher course — called “Prospering Woman” by Ruth Ross, PhD.. (I’m kind of like the woman at the well at this point, broken, but singing my heart out.) I believe that God does not intend for us not to have ambition; we are given gifts and it is part of the plan to use them. If you are being led to do something, then do it. If it’s not the right thing, then you will be let to make a course correction and get back on the beam, so to speak. As for humility, it’s not about being faceless but about how we present ourselves and our gifts to the world and how we treat those with whom we come in contact. Presenting ourselves not with arrogance, but with confidence in the gifts God gave us and treating those with whom we come in contact with respect and kindness. This is the quote I found, by Goethe: “Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it, Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.”
Your internal compass is now oriented to the Light. You’ll find your way and your purpose. BELIEVE! The more you practice, the easier it will get and the more good will manifest.
Blessings,
Amanda
Duncan – Going to New York? Is that going to trigger you? Just a thought. I will be praying to support your peace of mind and sobriety. Best, LeslieLA
Duncan,
Had to add this, again, from the book: “Prosperity, then, is an inside job — it is a matter of tranforming your consciousness You must find ways to let go of your old negative concepts of yourself as being inadequate, unsure, victimized, unworthy — whatever stands in the way of seeing yourself as a creator of plenty.”
Give those demons what for!
Blessings,
Amanda
A week filled with promise..mazel tov D.
Take this renewed energy and run with it. We are all rooting for you.
I am curious, what changed your mind on Lady GaGa? I cant help but like her, no clue why. Perhaps her openness and political views.
On a historic note, im amazed that the health bill passed.
Its why i voted for our President, if he keeps this one promise and the troops out of Iraq, hes done more in one year than ive seen in 8.
St. Augustine offered one solution to your query about God’s will vs. yours.
He suggested “Pray as if everything depends on God. Work as if everything depends on you.”
And I think you might benefit from doing more SINGING. You’re a real lover of music. Let that energy help you. Channel it through your own voice.
maybe Duncans singing sucks like mine 😉
No, Duncan has a good voice, I found a link with him singing on the soundtrack of a film.
Hi, Holly,
Inquiring minds want to know… what soundtrack of what film? What’s the link?
Blessngs,
Amanda
Duncan,
The quote from St. Augustine, that Invisible Mikey wrote is perfect. *Says “Namaste” to Invisible Mikey* As for making huge amounts of cash for your project(s), I remember reading an anecdote involving the Dalai Lama, who was trying to a project going. A reporter asked him where the money was going to come from and he said, ‘Why, wherever it is at the moment.” Don’t believe that you have to do it all by yourself. When you’re on the beam, help will come. Whether it’s financial or on whatever level you need help… it’s coming. Keep the faith.
Blessings,
Amanda
Duncan,
@Invisible Mikey: *Namaste* & @Holly: It’s not about how you or “the world” judges your voice, it’s about using sound to help you heal and balance. (And singing to music for fun, as if only God could hear you.) If you can say “Ahhhh” the way you do for a doctor during a check-up, you can use toning. The following is from the healingsounds.com website. (I might add that Stephen Halpern also works with sound as a healing modality in his music.):
“Power of Harmonics & Chanting: An Interview with Jonathan Goldman
by Sita Murti
SM: Healing Sounds also has a number of chapters which give instructions to readers on how to create vocal harmonics and use them for healing and meditation. Can readers actually learn this material from a book?
JSG: Yes, there’s no doubt about that. I’ve also created a tape to accompany the book which is helpful to those who actually want to hear examples of the material described, though it certainly is not necessary. And of course, I teach workshops on vocal harmonics focusing on Mongolian “Hoomi” style of double voice singing, and have recently begun to teach sacred Tibetan Overtone Chanting. But the exercises and techniques in the book were designed to work on their own and enable readers to gain the ability to create vocal harmonics themselves. These exercises are easy to follow and safe to use. And they are also a great deal of fun.”
The rest of the interview and other articles of interest are on the website. If “Architecture in general is frozen music.”, according to Friedrich Von Schelling, then we and Nature are God’s architecture. Energy vibrating at specific frequencies. (I got the total text of the quote from a blog called “A Daily Dose of Architecture: (Almost) daily architectural musings and imagery from New York City” in an article “The Sounds of Architecture” on Friday, June 10, 2005. It’s at the bottom of the article; I couldn’t remember who said it. Gotta love the Internet.)
Blessings,
Amanda
It’s nice to hear that you mood is up and you’re on to your next adventure! Have fun in New York. Hope your trip is all you hope it will be!!