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Must not..

Must not call him, text him, facebook him, skype him, think about him. I must remember that he is a line of coke. Nothing more.  Must not call him, text him, facebook him, skype him, think about him. I must remember that he is a line of coke. Nothing more. Must not call him, text him, facebook him, skype him, think about him. I must remember that he is a line of coke. Nothing more. Must not call him, text him, facebook him, skype him, think about him. I must remember that he is a line of coke. Nothing more. Must not call him, text him, facebook him, skype him, think about him. I must remember that he is a line of coke. Nothing more.  Must not call him, text him, facebok him, skype him, think about him. I must remember that he is a line of coke. Nothing more.Must not call him, text him, facebook him, skype him, think about him. I must remember that he is a line of coke. Nothing more.  Must not call him, text him, facebok him, skype him, think about him. I must remember that he is a line of coke. Nothing more.  Must not call him, text him, facebook him, skype him, think about him. I must remember that he is a line of coke. Nothing more.  Must not call him, text him, facebook him, skype him, think about him. I must remember that he is a line of coke. Nothing more.Must not call him, text him, facebook him, skype him, think about him. I must remember that he is a line of coke. Nothing more.Must not call him, text him, facebook him, skype him, think about him. I must remember that he is a line of coke. Nothing more.Must not call him, text him, facebook him, skype him, think about him. I must remember that he is a line of coke. Nothing more.Must not call him, text him, facebook him, skype him, think about him. I must remember that he is a line of coke. Nothing more.Must not call him, text him, facebook him, skype him, think about him. I must remember that he is a line of coke. Nothing more.Must not call him, text him, facebook him, skype him, think about him. I must remember that he is a line of coke. Nothing more.Must not call him, text him, facebook him, skype him, think about him. I must remember that he is a line of coke. Nothing more.Must not call him, text him, facebok him, skype him, think about him. I must remember that he is a line of coke. Nothing more.Must not call him, text him, facebiok him, skype him, think about him. I must remember that he is a line of coke. Nothing more.Must not call him, text him, facebok him, skype him, think about him. I must remember that he is a line of coke. Nothing more.Must not call him, text him, facebook him, skype him, think about him. I must remember that he is a line of coke. Nothing more.Must not call him, text him, facebook him, skype him, think about him. I must remember that he is a line of coke. Nothing more.Must not call him, text him, facebook him, skype him, think about him. I must remember that he is a line of coke. Nothing more.Must not call him, text him, facebook him, skype him, think about him. I must remember that he is a line of coke. Nothing more.

So, with this mantra playing in my head I get my life back.  make important calls.  make life saving decisions.  have a relationship with God.  I have been living in the dark.  where I wither and die.  thankgod this is over.

15 replies on “Must not..”

Holy crap, dude. You don’t do things by half measures do you. I just got a glimpse into the OCD

Dammit! Hit the enter button by mistake. Love this long nails but now it’s an issue. Time to prune the foliage. Anyhow,

As I was trying to say, I just got a glimpse into the OCD of your mad head. Glad you got that out. And since you have emotionally started to purge the toxins, now would be a good time to do that vision board. I like what Irena said; I see a picture of some dude of your best, healthiest fantasy holding a kite string and pasted on the beautiful kite flying high in the blue, blue sky is you with a big smile on your face. Maybe you could put the logo of a phoenix on the kite. It’s what you’ve done. Risen from the ashes of your alter ego. Hang in there.

And if you want something to type over and over… and over, that’s a mantra to petition your highest good, try: Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. A friend, who is a psychic, turned me on to it. You can do a written meditation in multiples of 9. Start a new section after 108. You can repeat it out loud or in your head as well. Use a mala (108 beads) to count or just set a timer to go off after 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15/20 minutes, whatever you think that you can stand at first. Courage, sweet spirit.

You always were in the light, you just allowed yourself to be blindfolded for a while. It’s not your fault, it’s not his fault. You came together for a reason. You both had lessons to learn. You both grew. Sometimes growth is painful. Young kids sometimes have growing pains. You’re going through a growth spurt. BE KIND TO YOURSELF! You really beat yourself up. Quit it! Thus spake the Rabbit. Parenthetically, did you ever see “The Avengers” episode where the spy’s code was Fierce Rabbit? I got such a kick out of that. 😉

Blessings.

you cannot do a don’t
instead of focusing on the problem focus on the solution, which is a spiritual program, talk to someone pray and turn your thought to those you can help
a good long walk and a bath would be good as well

You might also put away the computer and the phone for awhile at times when you feel the pull like this. You already understand that when you engage in an absorbing or rewarding task, your brain potholes can be driven around.

When I get too hooked on the non-empowering aspects of technology, I have an empty drawer I can use. I put the devices in and shake my finger and go “BAD machines, NO, NO!”, as if they were errant pets. Then I take myself for a walk.

(I wrote about St. Patrick the brave today.)

It’s good to hear that you are moving on. I recognized over the last three months in your posts that you had some things going on that seemed like trouble. Glad you got out before doing any significant damgae. I agree with Mike, take a vacation from the computer and the phone (business and emergency only.) Take that “temptation” away. A few years ago (before the economy went down) I needed a break from EVERYTHING. I had come out of the hospital after a nervous breakdown. I went to this place in the Yucatan near Tulum, Mex. It was a vacation in the jungle along the coast. Thatched huts, mosquito nets, no electricity. The resort had a sat. phone. There were spa treatments and Mayan rituals to participate in. (a sweat lodge that was intense) if you have the means that might be a nice idea. The only way you could communicate is if you made a collect call from a pay phone along a dusty road in a small village. It was one of the most refreshing experiences ever. You may not need to go to that extreme, and can handle putting the computer phone etc in a drawer…but I don’t have that kind of strength…or leave them at one house Malibu while you’re in H.wood. That way they are not so readily avail. Check your email and vm once a day or every other day. Just an idea. Hang in there, if you want things to get better you can make that happen.

That is a good idea, you have a lot of talent and seems like you could be compasionate toward a child who may not have an “ideal” situation. I think there are many things you could teach a child / teenager. I find that serving others helps take my mind off of my own problems. It puts things in perspective for me.

Deleting people from facebook and skype helps too, because you actually have to think before adding them back on. And then you think, what the hell am i doing?
Your gonna be ok Duncan, not overnight , but soon.

Here is a small gift for you, Duncan, and for anyone else who would like to read it.
Deep Peace of the quiet earth to you,
Deep Peace of the running wave to you,
Deep Peace of the flowing air to you,
Deep Peace of the shining stars to you,
Deep Peace of the Spirit of Peace be upon you,
Now and forever.
–Iona Blessing
I find this prayer to be very grounding and stabilizing. If you think about it, none of the entities mentioned are static or always at peace. There is powerful movement and change in all of them, yet they evoke our true and solid foundations. Not really much different from our emotional upheavals which can lead to strength and growth when we learn from them.
We often react to our emotions the same way we react to earthquakes and storms, fight or flight mode! A little while ago, a lady (Lubby I think?) suggested that she could help you with fear. I looked at her website and saw that she is trained in Somatic Experiencing. I have a bit of training in that myself and have found it to be extremely helpful in learning how to read my reactions to things, almost before they happen sometimes (my reactions that is), and to then be able to regulate my body’s systems back to a normal state. This is hugely useful for creating a space for clearer thinking. I am not always successful, as is evidenced by my projection onto your friend’s situation (:( sorry to both of you for that), but it is what helped me to calm down and recognize what I was doing. When I consciously practice this self-regulation, I have a much easier time moving away from my triggers and on to doing healthier things. If you are interested, there is a book called Waking the Tiger which provides a good introduction.
As for anonymous critics, yup, cowardly bullying is what that is. They might want to consider therapy for their passive-aggressive behaviour. While criticism is a necessary thing, negativity for the sake of it doesn’t require a whole lot of thinking.
I think I will take a couple of Chardma’s suggestions to heart now.

What a beautiful, beautiful prayer. Thank you, Moira. Peace be with you, as well.

Duncan,

I’ve been where you are, haven’t been able to break it off with what I call my “black tar heroin”. The object of my affection has not returned the feelings, so rather than say I’ve been where you are I should say “I relate to where you are and have had similar feelings”. Take care of yourself first. The suicidal thoughts may come, but I always think back to this quote from Billy Bob Thornton “To all those who have ever considered suicide, it does get better”. And truly, this is the truth

I live with bipolar and don’t know if you can relate to that. I have highs and lows. I have now started a blog, and I hope to be as honest as you. I want you to be able to keep the support around you that you have. You have support, even when it feels like you don’t the truth is people DO care.

I know this may not make complete sense. Just wanted to say “love you, Duncan”.

Yep , it has set in …focus your focus.
Count things
Find all the items that are a certain color in the room ( red , blue , yellow)
Count to 100 in three’s
Listen to Jazz music and visualize the instruments being played
Knit

Do anything to break the obsession.

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