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Land Mines in the Carpet

Today

In some weak attempt to meet someone I spoke to a prospective date yesterday.  He sounded masculine, looks attractive, seems intelligent, good job, own house…blah blah blah.

After a short while I despaired.  Why bother?

I am not going through what I went through last year.  I refuse.

I hung up.

This is the legacy of hopelessness that I am left with after my time with Jake.

I am not going to have a relationship any time soon.  If ever.  I am not going to risk falling in love with and painfully out of love with anyone ever again.

“Into love, and out again, Thus I went, and thus I go. Spare your voice, and hold your pen — Well and bitterly I know.  All the songs were ever sung, All the words were ever said; Could it be, when I was young, Some one dropped me on my head?”

Dorothy Parker

I reread his final letter to me yesterday.  I hadn’t read it for some time.  If I had received that letter now it might have meant something.  It might have put to bed every miserable resentment that consumes my brain like so many flesh-eating maggots.

I want to believe that he was sorry but he lied so often and so deeply that I simply can’t forgive him.  I want to.  I really do.

He just lied about everything.  He trapped me and toyed with me and used me then at the crucial moment he tossed me aside.   This doesn’t get any better.  Why?  Why do I remember him?  Why when every other man I ever loved can be stowed…do I remember him?

Perhaps because it was this time last year that we were in France enjoying/not enjoying out road trip.  Walking on egg shells because he had said that we were not lovers.  I scarcely touched him until he invited me to have sex.  Because he was running the show I just bought the food and chauffeured him.  I just served him when ever his ass itched for attention.

Jake this time last year contemplating

I imagine him in some chic Nantucket house with his new Daddy boyfriend.  The same one he began seeing before we went to France?  Telling him what to do.  Demanding that he take it, suck it, open it.

I imagine him with that cute blond boy he liked.  I imagine him.  I imagine him living a full life because I helped him over the rubicon…where he left me.  So I could never celebrate what came next.

Yes, he apologized for his cruel words.  Yes.  Did I believe his self-serving apology?  His fake contrition?  No I did not.

I am scarcely speaking to the twins.  I have run out of fuel.   Like a ghost in the house I tread carefully around them.  Land mines in the carpet I am that close to triggering a tantrum.

Whenever I get close to anyone, when I feel myself tip toward feeling love in any of its many disguises…I stop.  I run.  I hide.  I push them away.  That is his legacy.  I hope he is proud of himself.

Robby says, “I love you man.” and I wince.  Leave me alone Robby.  No more love.

The book continues to be written.  It’s hard.  Very hard.  Prose is a bitch.  I would rather kill gophers.  I would rather walk around the garden tending the plants. I spend all day in the garden rescuing old-fashioned tomatoes from being savaged by critters.  Consequently the garden looks amazing, like it never has before.  I spend so much time tending it.  Trimming.  Weeding.  Lopping.

The Chinese say: “If you would be happy for a week, take a wife.  If you would be happy for a month, kill your pig.  If you would be happy for a lifetime, plant a garden.”

In the novel I get to contemplate murder but the only person in real life that I want to kill is myself.  The twins will move out soon.  Perhaps, just perhaps I will muster up the courage to finally do it rather than just write about it.  I don’t want to make a mess.  I will have to take care of the dog first.  So he isn’t left alone.   He will only pine for me.

I understand now how and why Issie Blow was so determined.   When death calls your name.  When is it time to make death your friend?   I am running out of fuel, not just for the twins…but myself.

14 replies on “Land Mines in the Carpet”

No. NO! Don’t you dare let him take more from you than he already has taken. Maybe now is the time for an inpatient rehab as you had contemplated doing earlier this year. You need someone to tend to you with the same intensity that you protect and nurtur your garden. Kill those gophers and snakes that spoil the beauty in your life. Hack away at the overgrown weeds that choke out the creativity and block your joyous view. Look back over your shoulder at the pile of twisted branches you have removed from your life to create order and symmetry and find the same relief and pleasure you find at the end of a days work in your beautiful garden. Please don’t torch it all.

you don’t know me, i don’t know you and i couldn’t possibly know or understand what you are going through. however, i do know what it is to feel hurt, betrayed, and unable to connect with people in the way the i really want to. it’s a terrible longing and a terrible pain. your writing brings me solace in knowing that i am not the only person who struggles with these feelings and in knowing that it’s a perfectly normal cycle to go through. and because it is just that, a cycle, it will pass. hang in there! sending you loads of love!

I loooooved this entry. Although significantly less inexperienced, I feel what you’re saying, and I see myself (and everyone for that matter) going down a similar path… and somehow I’m somewhat comfortable with that. Loved the part about Issy! No body got her, no body gets you, no body gets me… but somehow, as u do too, I can see a glimpse of empathy for her.

not really sure if what your slowly doing to yourself isn’t a form of suicide.

read once that meth addiction takes away ones chances of ever feeling normal passion and euphoria.. for you it seems… Jake Addiction. Please feel better.

while i may have been critical of you in the past duncan, this is the kind of post that keeps me involved in your blog, i can’t help but identify with you.

six years ago i dated a girl i met online who turned out to be a pathological liar and a serial cheater. we were together for eight months and during that time she not only slept with at least five other women and lied about it but she also lied about he day to day life and what her childhood was like, everything out of her mouth was a lie. she also stole money from me constantly and and used my resources for her own entertainment. she couldn’t even tell me the truth about why she was breaking up with me when she finally did.

long story short, i was obsessed with her and with trying to figure out why she acted the way she did and what was a lie and what wasn’t and what she was doing now that we had separated. it went on this way for a few years before i gradually stopped obsessing over how i’d been used and lied to. so i know what you mean when you say you cant let him go. it’s the heartlessness, the narcissism of these charismatic pathological liars that is so upsetting, especially when you are an empathic, sensitive person.

the best balm for my burning anger and shame over the whole situation was the rebound girlfriend i began dating immediately afterward who has become my longterm partner and best friend. so give it time and don’t give up on love duncan.

I had a similiar relationship with a serial cheater, pathologoical liar, crack addict and thief. I thought he was my soul mate. Lasted seven years. I spent the last three trying to figure out how I could let myself be treated the way he treated me and what was wrong with me. The self-hatred was overwhelming at times and I felt the same despair you describe. After all is said and done, I spent ten years of my life ensconced in the relationship. Seven with him and three in my head. Finally found peace. Finally stopped bashing myself. Finally realized it happened for a reason, even though I still don’t know what that reason is. More will be revealed and after all the bullshit, it better be a good reveal. Hang in there.

Hey Duncan,

I met you twice and I have been reading your blog for a week or so now . I have a lot to say but the keyboard is too limiting for my words.. but for now you should know that love manifests in various ways.. Your garden loves you for making it beautiful and I am sure lots of people love you for making their lives as beautiful as the garden you rave about on here =D

-from distress and disappointment comes beautiful.

I know you for 3 years, never gave up on meeting you again, the 2nd time , which was supposed to happen last September and yes was canceled. You know me … Just not fair when there are real people out there that care about you and you never noticed them, instead…. dealing with the shadows of Jake’s past … Choices , choices and choices … like a lottery

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