This is Nearly at an End

Dear Readers,

So, many of you have followed this blog since the beginning.  I don’t mean this time around but when I was writing in 2005/2006 before I shut it down.

I shut it down last time for the same reasons I am going to shut it down this time: because it suits me.  There is no pressure, no threat, no coercion from anyone in particular.  Not from slime ball or his slime ball family.  Not from anyone.

Even though my friend Sharon Marshall thinks I will never get another boyfriend when they read this..the truth is, I wouldn’t/couldn’t get another boy friend with or without this blog.

There are a host of other reasons not to be my boy friend other than what I have written here about Jake or others.  There are plenty of published reasons not to have anything to do with me what so ever.

I will list some of them:

ex con

Celebrity gossip

appalling reputation

don’t drink or take drugs


bad temper

Well, the list just goes on and on.  The blog merely let people know how shameless I am about all the above.

Those same people refuse to acknowledge any triumph I might have had.  It is as if I were only ever bad…well, my dears, you get what you pay for.

Nope, the blog is going private because I decided that on the 21st December 2010 I would cease to publicly blog.  It was on this day last year that Jake contacted me (see below) and my world was blown apart.

It was on that day that a man with shady intentions hijacked my life and for all the love I felt and all the hate I endured I wouldn’t have it any other way.   I am grateful to have been able to share with you what he and men like him try to get away with.

It is QUITE RIGHT that he is shamed publicly for doing what he did.  What he did to me and his girl friend of seven and half years is far worse than any crime I may have committed.

Ask any woman who has been lied to.

He will never face a court for what he did but he deserves to.

I am moved that so many of you shared your own stories of being cheated on and lied to.  He described you as sycophants.  I describe every one of you as my friends.  I want you to know that you have helped me tremendously.   I don’t know what I would have done without every single one of you.

Each anonymous message of support.

As of the 21st December I will set this blog to private and if you want to read what I have been up to you will have to subscribe.  This will please the 1000 of you who routinely log in every day.

Jake, only a few more days until your name, as you wished it, will be divorced from mine.  Your picture, as your Father wanted, unaligned to me.  How dare they ask me to remove pictures of him from my blog?  As if he deserved anonymity?  For all the world your ‘silly mistakes’ will be erased.  Your head resting gently on my shoulder.  How you must hate that picture!

I might remind you that this time last year I was really happy, enjoying my after sex rehab life.  Enjoying watching the show with Jennie at our new apartment in Hollywood.

But all of that came to an abrupt end.

The day before you wrote to me you were reading my blog assuming that my life as an out gay man could be yours.  That the people with whom I consorted, the locations I inhabited you might have.   You didn’t want me Jake.  You wanted my life.

Your pathetic half Persian therapist will never get the measure of you Jake because she is being paid by your parents to make it all better.  You need moral guidance.

So, this time last year I am in NYC interviewing agents, David Vigliano etc. and little Jake B the virtual Literary Agent in Arlo and Esme on 1st Street wondering why he is so damned shy and awkward.  Thinking it had more to do with me being on TV than what was actually going on..that he wanted me to fuck him behind his girlfriend’s back.

He told me later that he wanted me to take him downstairs and fuck him in the bathroom.   Now I know, of course, that the sweet little pussy I came to love had been shagged senseless a million times by Pal (amongst others) and his HIV cock.   His dear pussy that I loved, was just another New York City whore hole.

Without doubt my relationship with Jake prolonged a long-held misery that I had worked very hard in rehab to overcome.

I am an artist (try taking that away from me) and, though many will not agree, this last year or so of blogging has been my art, my catharsis, a continuation of the greater conceptual art of being in a reality TV show.

In no time at all every mean thing I have written here will be forgotten.

In earlier posts, where I have been vile about people, those gripes and recriminations vanished.  Time is a great healer.

Time will hush the screaming, resentful voice that propels us.

Resentment sucks the life out of a memory until it cannot be remembered.

Sorry Sharon, frankly my dear I don’t give a shit who reads about me or my life or what they think of it or, more importantly, how it might alienate me.  The damage is already done. It was done years ago.  When you came to Sydney to interview me about Hurley.  When I was sent to prison for over spending on my credit card…

This is what he wrote:

Hi Duncan,

I’m a literary agent with xxxx, based in NYC. Introduced to you courtesy of VH1. Read your article in The Daily Beast, which I savored for the honest details behind the show–none of which come as a surprise. Anyway, your article led me to your blog. I love the honesty in your writing (plus it’s also refreshing to see someone from a reality tv show who can form a coherent sentence), and I get the impression that you’ve been through a lot in your life. At the risk of sounding just like the opportunistic reality tv producers you’ve worked with, I will admit that a reality program is often a good platform for a book–but more importantly, you have an interesting story, voice, and you know how to write. I figured it was worth a shot reaching out. Perhaps you are already sufficiently represented on the publishing side, but either way I am wondering if you have thought realistically about writing a book.

Warm Regards,

Jake B

Dear Jake,

I am presently meeting agents with a view to representation. I have met with three so far and have not yet made any decision.

I and flattered that you contacted me and do feel free to call me at your convenience.

Hi Duncan,

Nice to hear back from you and sounds good…I’ll be in touch very soon.



19 replies on “This is Nearly at an End”

Hello, I have been reading your blog every day for some time now. Sorry for sounding naive, as I do not read many blogs. How do I subscribe?

As one of the daily 1,000, thank you for continuation of the blog and the subscription access. I hope you have a great Christmas, see a fun panto (well, some people think they are fun…Oh yes they DO) and have a healthy 2011, Jan

I’m also one of the faithful but seldom comment….shy even on the net! But this time it’s inportant! I want to continue to be able read your blog, but am not sure how to subscribe. Help! 🙂

I am one of the thousand too, so I hope Ill know how to access your blog after the 21st. ?? You are a beautiful writer and I would miss reading you every day.

I am still laughing at being described (even though from such a distance) a sycophant by him. He will never understand what he put his girlfriend through until someone does exactly the same thing to him. Liars and cheaters don’t see themselves as abusers, but that is what they are, and I don’t think they can change until they truly, deeply, understand the concept of objectification.

I look forward to continuing to read your blog, Duncan, and all my best wishes for your Christmas!

The word sycophant makes me giggle.

Aside for that, what really touched me about this entry Duncan is that perhaps that is how we should all go about life. Listing all the shit that makes us damaged good up front. Like perhaps I need to have a tshirt made up that reads
*I was sexually abused and it has translated into sexual addiction in later life.
*I give great head because I’ve practiced A LOT!
*I’ll be the sweetest woman you’ve ever met until you do me wrong and then I’ll slit your throat.
*Too fucked up to ever really make anything of myself.
…because really wouldn’t that make sense? Put all the garbage there for everyone to see so they aren’t pissed off at you later for not living up to their image of you. Maybe we would all put more effort into seeking and appreciating the good stuff then.
I hope the wound that whats-his-face left heals soon Duncan. To be honest, I don’t even know you and it’s painful to read your posts and hear the wounded feelings. It makes my scars twinge.
I too would like to find out how to subscribe to your blog Duncan. Despite your list of reasons not to like you I find myself doing so anyway.
Wishing you peace and blessings and healing this Christmas.

I too have enjoyed reading your blog everyday, and thank you for sharing your life with us. You are an inspirational creative writer, but let yourself down with this constant tirade about HIM. You have broken a promise, that you made on this blog that you wouldn’t talk about him anymore, after he paid you the money!! Hmmm what went wrong there then.. I would like you to move on, and would like to know why you think, that what has happened to you, in your life, is any different from anyone else’s pain ?

Love and blessings

My promise not to write about him…yes well. Yesterday I had to go to police station and deal with the mess he/we created in London. But who has to deal with it? I do. The saga continues for me. As for me sharing my pain and do I think I am any different? No I don’t. But judging by the number of people who have been let down by their partners…me sharing my story seems to placate or help others. Today, my pain is physical. Today I want to let go with love.

Don’t you think that perhaps it’s that Duncan puts so eloquently into words what many of us have felt that draws people to his blog? It’s not about why it’s any different from anyone else’s pain, is it? It’s about how he’s able to write about it so openly. IMO at least.

Well I have followed you as much as a can, the trials and tribulations of your life. Your excellent command of the written word and your insightful blog, have entertained me over the past few years.

I rarely have commented but may I wish you all the best going forward and thank you.

Dear Duncan- I’m sorry to read you’re closing the blog. Would love to subscribe, however that’s done.

I check in regularly because you’re a fantastic writer, with an interesting life and past, and a great many friends. I guess I am touched at reading about your talent for friendship wherever you go. You really beat yourself up emotionally sometimes, I think. But you are a unique and strong person.
You tell your stories fearlessly, which I admire so much. I’m a gay man with regrets about some things too. That’s part of how I relate to your well-written diary here. (Never saw the TV thing.)

I also, or especially, love your talk of the old days, characters I had only heard of but you were or are friends with in the 80’s and 90’s, when I was an arty Anglophile queer teen. I love your love of art, and beauty. I love that you are not a snob as to class, only as to personality. I love when you talk of an awful day, then describe the delicious meals and teas you whip up, for friends. In luscious detail!

I read your blog because I think in some aspects, I wish I knew you. Anyway, it must definitely take a toll to be so bracingly honest here. I understand why you’d feel the need for a change. Just hope you know there’s people out there , your readers, who think you’re quite all right. To understate. Never dull, always a good read. My very best to you, Duncan.

Hello Duncan
I haven’t been reading your blog as long as some of your other dedicated followers but I’ve come to think of it like a great book that I just can’t put down! I’ve giggled and shed a few tears and have always looked forward to the next installment!
I would love to subscribe (if you’ll tell me how) and look forward to following your journey in the future.
Wishing you good health and every happiness
An admiring sycophant xx

Having never commented on your blog until now I think it’s somewhat laughable that here I type feeling nervous that I write the “right” thing to not waste your time. But then I quickly realize how ridiculous those thoughts are when I now recognize just how admirable your blogging really has been.

Reading that you’ve decided to make your blog private gave me such mixed emotion and I felt a sense of urgency almost to make sure I communicated before it was too late and I could no longer follow the happenings in your life and world.

Simply put, I admire your vulnerability and tranparency. I wish I possessed simply one tenth of what you show here with each entry. With each flaw or shortcoming you describe I feel so relieved to know that I’m not alone in my weaknesses, pitfalls, insecurities or failings. You communicating about such things amazes me, and the appreciation I have for your openness cannot be adequately described in words.

Thank you for your courage, your resiliance, your ability to convey your innermost thoughts & feelings all in such a way that it grips me to snap back into reality and own my own crap. Own it, deal with it, and rather than shoving it under the bed or in a dark corner never to be discussed or spoked of again, to use it to challenge me to do better next time. Learn and keep living – because there will be a next time.

I pray for you everytime you cross my mind or I read your words. Those prayers will not cease even though this blog might. I feel the least I could do for you or give back to you in return for allowing me such insight into your life is to continually bombard heaven with prayers on your behalf. You deserve it, Duncan.

Thank you again for everything. I wish nothing but the best for you – health, happiness, peace and love.

**And if you are sharing information about the subscription process necessary to read after 12/21, I would be extremely delighted and grateful if you’d do so with me.

It feels eerie to read how JB contacted you. I mean eerie because we all know the way it ended and how much pain he caused you.

Comments are closed.