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art Dogs

Bugger That

Hospital day yesterday.  It was quick and efficient.

Nicola arrived from London on Tuesday and bought delicious, French macaroons.

We ate dinner at Wheelers (4 courses 65 GBP including a dozen native oysters) and she stayed in Georgina’s B&B in the same room/bed I stayed this July.

The following morning we bought her Wellington boots from the ancient shoe shop Wooley’s on the High Street and went for a long walk on the snowy beach.  Met other very jovial dog owners and the little dog ran like a mad thing through the melting snow, his little pink paws skidding over the ice.

The woman in Wooley’s, incidentally, remembered fitting my school shoes when I was a boy.   Wooley’s has been on Whitstable High Street for a hundred years next year.  They asked if they could put my photograph in the window when they celebrate their centenary.  I was honoured!

We walked to The Battery, Marilyn’s place on the beach..I described it in my blog the other day.  On the way there, however, we peered through Janet Street-Porter‘s cottage window at her austere modern kitchen and her Gary Hume prints.   I wouldn’t want to live there.  It was so impersonal and the yellow walls were painted the wrong yellow.

The Battery looks a bit worse for wear.  I may nip up there later today and take a picture of it for you so you can see what I am talking about.

If you hadn’t noticed I feel leagues better.

I decided to let myself off the hook.  Become quite tearful when I write it down like that.  It’s time to stop beating myself up.  Give myself a break like they say in the Narcotics Anon literature.

I was chatting with a friend yesterday and I realized that I was finally out of the woods.   It’s a decision.  I have been waiting for a storm to pass rather than wash something down the drain.

My friend was telling me that he would find it hard to love again after his last failed romance, that he had been tossed aside…and I thought to myself, “Bugger that, life is far too short not to fall in love!”  I come from a long line of men who can say proudly that they love another man.  I love you is possibly the hardest thing one man can say to another.  I am doubly proud that I have said it and I meant it.

Saying I love you is much harder than saying I want to fuck you.

All I have to do is find a man who can hear those words and value them.

So, today I tried not to engage with bad thoughts and old resentments.   I thought out loud, come on LOVE you can show this old man that life is worth loving again.  So, I’ve been feisty all day but not angry.  I have been creative all day and not asleep.

I pulled out a couple of scripts.  I made a couple of calls.  I thought about finding a producer.  I had a meeting with a woman I might do a property deal with.

It was good day.  It is good to be home.

2 replies on “Bugger That”

Good. Turning the corner. Putting it behind you. Whatever they say. Don’t forget to pick a few choice bits off the rotting carcass before you throw it back to the hyenas though. As the 911 call for my own dear friend the love addict, I think he only does better the next time when he truly sees what this time was and what he does over and over each time. For example, he cannot allow himself to fall for the wrong type of person no matter the chemistry or the incredible allure they have for him as one who needs to be saved, to be freed. No more unhappily married, nearly separated, perpetually abused or financially desperate women. He smells the NEED and mistakes it for WANT, for potential love. Either they don’t actually want to be free so they never will get there or they will get free and resent you because you remind them of their weakness and shame. Or you will find that, once free, they never wanted YOU to save them, they just needed someone to save them. The other thing he needs to be reminded of is that he must pay attention to the warning bells going off in his head and never discount his own needs and desires. It is not OK to be hidden away, kept from the person’s regular life. This is a warning sign and not something that shows they love you so much they can’t bear to share you with anyone. It is not OK to accept less than you would give. Do not discount yourself and make due with a smidgeon when you would give the world. Do not make excuses for being taken for granted or disrespected or made to feel irrational or needy. See that pouring your everything into the person is not going to give you the same amount of love in return just because that would be the fair and just outcome. Smoothing over the rough edges in your mind isn’t going to make that person fit just so in the love shaped hole you carry around inside. Let them go before they take more than you can spare.

I hope you can find something to take away before you move too far away from the mess. There must be something that can help guide you even a little bit closer to what you want. Then you will have gained and not lost.

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