Categories
Health Rant

Guilty as Charged

Plagued with appalling thoughts and feelings.  Has more to do with going home than anything else.

Fatigued.

Have to go to vet to get the Little Dog a certificate to travel and the tick and worm treatments that are mandatory for our trip to Europe.

Yesterday in terrible funk.   Had breakfast with Dan in East Village.  Lunch with Pierre in Chelsea.  Late tea with Amelia and Andres at Gitane then walked North to see Wendy Asher’s curated street art show back in Chelsea.   The gallery belongs to Robin William’s son.  The art was terrible.  The guests?  Rich women from the Hampton’s.

An LA show in NYC.  Perched precariously at the edge of some aesthetically inchoate oblivion.  Will sell out.  Doesn’t deserve to.

I wandered around the city in a daze.  Dreading bumping into Jake.  In every coffee shop there seemed to be short, bearded men who looked just like him diligently working at their laptops.  Every single time I saw someone who even vaguely resembled the poison dwarf I felt sick.  Is this what being in NYC is going to be like?

I have not felt like this since I was in Sydney 13 years ago after Jamie and I split up.  Foreboding.

I am perfectly sure he is delighted by my unending, nauseating apprehension.

It is like being gripped by the throat.

How did I deal with it last time?  I kept praying and praying to be relieved of the obsession.

When I think about this coherently I know that this has more to do with my fear of going home and what awaits me there.  Not only do I have to deal with my balls but I also have the tail end of the iPod situation to deal with.

Everything is such a MESS.   Remember how buoyant I felt before I met him?  I was sexually sober, looking for a book agent (or rather, they were looking for me) mind cleared of rancid thoughts….now look.  I think I need to go back into rehab.  This is almost WORSE than before.

One stupid Facebook message later and there he was, this dull barbarian invading my life.

I keep trying to persuade myself to take action.

Somebody asked yesterday how I could possibly fallen so hard for ‘somebody so patently unsophisticated’.  Exactly.  But as I have written a million times before…love has no logic.  Nor does hatred…so it seems.

What formerly delighted me now sickens me.

He would like you to believe that he is a seasoned world traveller, close to glamour, sophisticated and erudite.   I imagine that his new friends think he is all those things but when you hang out with kitchen salesmen upstate then you can be pretty much what you want to be.

If you look at his public Facebook pictures they are designed to deceive you into believing that he is one thing when he is most patently not.  The truth is that the picture of him by the Oscar is totally fraudulent (under his suit he is scarred by poison oak) and the pictures taken of him in Peru and the South of France were taken by people who loved him and over whom he ran roughshod.

Cheating and lying.

Wearing my hat,  taking my time when all he wanted was his new friends.   I took many pictures that month we were away but he didn’t take one of me.  Not one.

Rather pathetically he is seen in one picture stroking his cat in his old apartment with his gf.  The caption reads ‘the good old days’ or something equally, utterly bogus.   The good old days for him maybe…as he was living a totally double life literally risking the health and well-being of the woman he told he loved yet lied to every single fucking day.

Oh yeah, go on Jake be sophisticated and fabulous at other people’s expense.   Charm them with your lies and your cock.  But just remember that I am out there keeping an eye on you.

I gave you the chance of making this good but you declined my offer.

On August the 21st I offered you a kind goodbye and you spat such venom at me…after everything I did for you.  After every late night call.  After being there for you.

Every time I tried to break it off you came crawling back like the SNIVELLING prick that you are.  I showed you my most vulnerable underbelly and you stabbed me in the heart.   Nobody will treat me like that again and, if I have my way, you will never treat anyone like you have treated me and your ex gf.

You may be laughing in all those pictures designed to ensnare other men, you may have a host of sycophantic friends around you who believe that you are a good guy, a naive innocent…but sooner or later your machinations will get the better of you.  Just you wait and see.

7 replies on “Guilty as Charged”

Oh My! Duncan, you are in the midst of a full on love addiction, you have recognised that. Why oh why are you thinking of relocating to NYC?
you will miss the ocean, the sunshine which is so important to someone with depression,watching your garden grow is also symbolically important for a recovering addict.
Moving to a place which reminds you of JB every second is not good for you.You know this.
You are a love addict, sitting in cafe’s seeing him in every bearded young man and walking in his steps is what is bringing on this addiction. Distance yourself!
You have done it before, do it again.Please stop punishing yourself Duncan.

The best piece of advice I ever got was from my Doctor in England, he told me to stop moving! Find a space and be grounded. Yes I did move 3000 miles, but have been in the same place 15 years, the longest time ever.
Part of addiction like this is the need to start again and keep on trying to make it a better life, the hunger for change is soul destroying.You keep telling yourself ‘maybe this time”
You need sunshine on your face, good air to breath in deeply and release the negative thoughts.
Go home, be surrounded by family, get the bollocks fixed (not just the offending one)
sending peaceful serene thoughts to you.
Irena

You’re VERY clever Duncan.
Moving to NYC has no link to compulsion – Jake?
Or…anticipation is fomenting fury.

oh D, sometimes you really put yourself through the wringer.. And all for what? ‘Let go to the higher power, what other choice do you have.

You knew i would go directly to FB to look at his pics. Seems he has changed his privacy settings…or had someone else do it for him =)
Be Well Duncan!

Hi Duncan

I believe I can help you overcome your addiction in a far swifter way than you have been shown to date…..

I have watched the show on TV lately and was amazed at the emotional turmoil you all had to re-live in your treatment. There are other ways, that would not involve you having to re-live things in that way. I believe that having had to endure those past negative events ONCE, is once too much, so aim to make the treatment process as comfortable as possible.

If you are open to an initial discussion, so I can explain the process to you, then let me know.

Regards

Nigel

Comments are closed.