I am in a great deal of fear about this operation. Sorry to go on about it.
I just am.
I have been putting it off, putting it off. Why? Because part of me, a big part of me just wants to die. To never go through the pain of the past few months ever again.
When did I stop fighting to survive? When did the fight become too exhausting? I think there were moments on our European adventure when I knew I just couldn’t, wouldn’t carry the both of us. Between stations in Lille when I vanished to get food for the trip. I wanted to run away. That I had done so much for him with so little return.
The problem is: I stopped fighting for me too. The more honest I become…the harder life is. A lie can separate you from the harsh realities. A lie can make everything better. The more honest, the more in focus life becomes then the more brutal it is.
To love without trusting is almost too much to bear. This is the legacy any cheater leaves behind them: She will never trust another man. She will always be left wondering if, when her new man goes out, he is cheating behind her back.
At least I knew he was a liar and a cheat and chose to continue. To get involved. To catch him as he fell. All I ended up doing was colluding with him.
The legacy I am left with? Oh, I blame myself. Again and again.
Then, there is the perverse thought that we will be OK one day.
Until I don’t believe that we will be friends some time in the future then I am doomed. Part of me thinks that there will be a moment…even when I am an old man…that we will look back at our time together and smile. There is NO moment of resolution. There will be no quiet moment in the future the two of us forgive, when we will laugh at what happened.
It just wasn’t that funny.
I can never ever imagine meeting him again. Just the thought of bumping into him in the street fills me with revulsion.
Why am I writing about him AGAIN? I was doing OK..then:
All night I dreamt about JB. All night. I may be dealing with him in my conscious life but he is alive a kicking in my unconscious.
There are two dreams: One where we are making love shuffled in with another altogether more insidious dream. In the second dream he is changed. In the second dream he is a gay man enjoying his life. Subtle changes about his body include the hair on his chest manscaped.
Of course, in the dream, he had his lap top on his lap. He is chatting with Phil at the house in London. Telling her about his new apartment, telling her about going to gay pride.
He is letting us know that he is OK. That things worked out just fine.
He looked so normal and calm. Perhaps he really was just letting me know that things were OK. That he is OK. Communicating this through my dreams.
I dreamt about Issie Blow when she died, and Dione and the Big Dog all in the same way. They wanted me to know that they had found peace and it was all ok.
Like a grieving dream. There he was in his life. Getting on with it.
It’s odd isn’t it that the dream happened in London. In Phil’s house on Langton Street..though maybe not. It was there that we had the fight. There that he lost the iPod and encouraged me to shout at those kids.
I don’t think I will ever stay there again because of him and his stupid iPod. His clumsiness.
A night of terrible, roiling dreams. How long will this last? How long will he be so solidly in my head?
The problem is: I think he got away with it. Supported by people who think he is sick rather than duplicitous. By people who accept that his cheating was perfectly understandable in the circumstance.
The thoughts of JB bubble up over the fear. Swamped by him rather than face the facts. I know what’s going on. I know it.
6 replies on “Vivid Dreams About Death”
dont be scared it will al work out take it from me i have been operated on for more than 25 times my hard have stoped twice and i always came out of it
The most important is that you will take care of your nad(s). I hope your leg feels better.
Ive often wondered if you are intentionally putting off getting immediate treatment of your testicular problem because you dont care whether you live or die. Makes me sad.
when someone we know or love dies it brings our own mortality that much more real to us. After my dad died I saw him in dreams and in his house, shadows, sometimes just a light, but it comforted me to know he was letting me know he was ok there.your facing a serious thing here D, but it’s time to concentrate on yourself and not that shmuck who took you on such a bad ride. Look at all you’ve got man! Oy vey, this is your life, look around you and think, do you really want to lose all this? Fuck no you don’t.
The feelings that you are experiencing at the moment are perfectly normal for anyone who is going through a grieving process, of spliting up with a partner / soulmate / twinflame/ lover whatever. For me it was worse as my partner was such a difficult person to live with, and you grieve for this contact, far more. As far as the Op is concerned bite the bullet and “go for it”, the success rate is high and you will have all your friends and family round to help you afterwards. Many many people love you very much Duncan, and wish you well, so you must appreciate that fact.
It is normal to have these vivid dreams, it is the subconcious trying to make sense of the hurt. I still have these dreams after 20 years of my lost love.You wake up in the morning and feel sad and I learned to dismiss them as rubbish after a while.
What is keeping you from moving away from him? He is not holding on to money he owes to keep a connection, he is just a tight wad with a sense of entitlement.
When you have your surgery, I feel there will be a new begining, getting rid of destructive and unnecessary obstacles so you can begin the next phase of your very rewarding life.
There are so many of us who are yelling at you from loudspeakers and YOU are choosing to ignore what’s best for Duncan, smack that bad baby’s arse and get some control over the child.
with love and respect.