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Gay Hollywood Malibu

malibu calling

The days pass with alarming speed.  The renters arrived yesterday and seem very pleasant.  I drive dolefully back to Hollywood.

Nothing seems to shake the occasional yet profound moments of self-doubt I experience since he was despatched.  I can only hope that these moments become fewer and fewer.  I have therapy this morning so will sup at the recovery table with my peers.

I woke at 4.30.   Made coffee, checked emails and tried to find some peace from my jumbled mind.  Walked the lil dog over the terrazzo and brass stars on Hollywood Boulevard.  Only me and the vagrants out so early.  A young, black drug fucked girl came up to me and grabbed my sweater.  Her eyes blank, her face unwashed and greasy.  I told her to leave me alone.

Since knowing that I am leaving Hollywood and deconstructing my home here I am eager to get going, to get the hell out of this place.

Another date last night.  His idea.  Still disinterested in everything.  Listless.  He texted me later and told me he wanted to make me a leather necklace.  Good God.  He wanted me to assess whether he had made a good impression or not.  In better times I might have thought more positively about him.  He had seven dogs.

I shaved my head yesterday.  My hair was long because he liked it that way.

Meeting Jake was an emotional disaster for me.   He lingers like the smell of raw sewage.

Polaxed by dubious longing for what could never be.

11 replies on “malibu calling”

Duncan: I read that you shaved your head as well. I just didn’t realize that you had shaved your close cropped beard as well. I thought that it was a pic of a younger you. You look youthful and rested. Good on you. 🙂 Blessings.

Duncan & Robb: OK, same page — I think — here goes, the pic is of a younger Duncan WITHOUT his head shaved but beardless. Duncan has NOW shaved his head AND beard. 🙂 Blessings.

Duncan,

Think back to how you felt before he contacted you. How you felt. You said that you were feeling strong in your new sexual sobriety. That you were feeling renewed. Just visualize yourself back in that place. Be in that place. Let yourself feel the peace that you felt in your mind.

Remember the movie “Gaslight” with Ingrid Bergman? You’ve gone through being gaslighted. Having suffered through multiple addictions and how disordered your thinking can be, sadly, it’s easy for someone who is used to manipulating other people to use that against you. You feel self-doubt because he fostered it. It was to his advantage for you to doubt yourself. To dismiss the intuitions that you had about him and his behavior. About his truthfulness. YOU KNEW THE TRUTH! But he made you close your eyes to it.

It isn’t that you can never have “a” relationship, it’s just that that “relationship” was never real. You said that he told you that he loved you and you fell in love with him, but then when you became inconvenient he told you that all he had ever wanted was something “shallow”. What kind of person tells someone they love them if all they want is a fuck buddy? Which you would never have stood for. You never would have begun the journey of the last eight months. Ask yourself that. AND THEN TAKE BACK YOUR POWER. It WILL get better when you stop doubting yourself. You were right. You just didn’t listen. In the future, you will give such people a wide berth. But YOU WILL attract the right person into your life.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, DUNCAN. Your Higher Power does. We do. You ARE a good man, Duncan Paul Roy. Now get to gettin’. *Metal Rabbit, with permission, gives Duncan a bear hug.*

Blessings,

Amanda

P.S. And to get that raw sewage smell out of your head, smell the roses that SURROUND you.

Duncan – why don’t you give yourself a break from dating for awhile? Seriously, what is it doing for you? Best, L

I have not commented on your blog before but I must admit that I really love it.

Thanks for your honesty.

PV

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