Malibu Rant


I have known Susan since I was 13 years old.

We used to giggle together in Quaker meetings and she and her wonderful family became the mainstay of my adolescence.

For her, I will always have a place in my heart.

She called me today from Oxford, where she lives, and we chatted for an hour or so about our lives.

It was so reassuring to hear the voice of an old friend who, even though we have only dipped periodically in and out of each others lives, as the decades passed we maintained a life long love for each other.

It was wonderful to catch up and maybe she will come visit me here in LA.

As you are aware I have still not made any definite plans to deal with the lumpy ball tumor situation.

I have been avoiding doing anything about it.

The emotions I have been going through with Jake seem to take my mind off the critical decisions I have to make.

The bottom line is this:  I must go to London and sort it out.

I can’t afford to begin the surgery here and so have no option but to go home.  As soon as I move out of my place I can think clearly about taking the next step.

I reread JB’s letter this morning and feel a little less angry with him.  He is not a monster, more like a confused kid.

I have to learn to be more compassionate.  I have to learn to forgive.  I MUST remember that he has been through a great deal.  Anyway, I did as he asked and removed all mention of his last name and occupation.  It was kinda cruel to have done it in the first place.

I have had an online tantrum and now it’s time to try to put the pieces of the smashed vase back together and hope that we can go our separate ways without derision, scorn or hatred.

I have said and written things that although true were insensitive and unkind.  He is just a regular guy with a broken heart.  He wasn’t to know that being friends was the last thing I could ever imagining happening after we stopped being lovers.

Resentment, shame and fear (as usual) shape my relationship to the rest of the world.

This morning I tried to be of service to another recovering addict.  It made me feel a great deal better about my own situation.

I really, really loved and cared for that timid man.  He was quite unlike anyone I have ever loved before.  Everyone that met him was delighted that I had found such a normal, sweet man.  I think that we had, when we weren’t fighting the best time.  We laughed a great deal.  We shared a number of the same interests and in a perfect world where two unencumbered men could come together, unfettered and unaligned we could have made something work out.

It is not a perfect world.  It is an imperfect world riven with complications and aberrations.

It seems that only the very few get to share their lives with those they love without catastrophic problems.   I wish I could be one of those people but I am not, I will never be, I can never be.

That is why I committed to being single.  To being alone.  To relish and respect a single life.

I am a single man who will not hanker after my own death… because being single is perceived by so many as a crime against humanity.

10 replies on “Susan”

You have found your ruby in a mountain of rocks. The insight you’ve gained was worth it all. It’s very weird to say this to a stranger but I’m proud of you.

Duncan – Tout comprendre c’est tout pardonner and I am happy for your evolving perspective. Forgiveness doesn’t so much let the other person off the hook (God is in charge of that) as lighten your load and give you peace. On a different topic, as someone working in healthcare, I would encourage you to investigate your options and seek a center with good outcomes for addressing your medical issue. Perhaps it would be useful for you to talk with men who have undergone surgery or other treatments – your MD can give you referrals. There is a ton of support out there for this diagnosis. Above all – try neither to be in denial nor to worry. Given the peer-reviewed literature on this diagnosis, prognoses are quite hopeful. Just get it handled.


I’m so glad that you had a long chat with your childhood friend, Susan. It sounds like it buoyed your spirits. And helped, maybe, to clear your head a bit. I know that she’ll continue to be there for you. Bless her. And being of service… I’m assuming that this is one of the people that you mentioned that you were sponsoring? It does say that you need to give it away to keep it. Being so intimately involved with someone whom you described as a drug addict like JB… just painful.

I hope that since you cannot afford to have the surgery here — and perhaps, also, you want to have the comfort of countrymen and your family and friends in the UK — that in the meantime, you will be taking advantage of every alternative healing modality to boost your overall health and well-being in order to be prepared for the surgery. Like Reiki, or acupuncture, or anything else that you have available to you there in LA and really getting into a program of meditation. So, no matter what storm rages, you will be able to stay in the calm of the eye. (((Hugs)))

I get that you’re trying to live in peace and acceptance, especially, because of your health concerns. I don’t get why that means complying with Jake’s need to erase his — search-able — footprint which, being in the industry that he is, he should know, cannot really be done since web pages get cached. People save them or print them out. What’s out there, stays out there. What he’s merely served to do is to prove, yet again, that he can get you to accede to his wishes. And he will take your generosity and kindness for weakness. He won’t leave you alone.

You said “He was quite unlike anyone that I have loved before.” How can you compare when he may not be the first relationship that you’ve had sober from drugs and alcohol, but he certainly is the first relationship that you’ve had when you’ve been sexually sober. Even with all the euphemisms, “Darling NYC” ect., I don’t remember you telling us the lovely things that anyone else would do. That your previous lovers had done. Sending flowers, sending lovely cards or funny/sweet eCards or e-mails, short little text messages like “Miss you.”, “Love you.”, “Are you OK?”. Buying you dinner, taking you to a show or a movie when you were together. Since he wants to be on good terms… has he offered to set up a payment plan to pay you back the money that he owes you since apparently, he’s unable to come up with the lump sum? Funny, you didn’t mention it.

Confused he may be; hurt, he may be — but not for the reasons that you think — but that STILL doesn’t mean that he isn’t a card carrying narcissist. I get that how great it feels to find people that get you. For some of us, it’s really hard. A person with whom you can talk about everything and anything. That’s why I was so devastated when a friend of mine who was a history professor — not mine — died. We’d know each other since the 80’s. And sometimes we weren’t in touch for years but when we were, we were immediately back in sync. I was devastated for him because I always figured that he’d be one of those wonderful old guys in their tweed jackets that still teach in their 80’s and 90’s and whom their students love because of their “schoolboy curiosity” as one tribute said. And I was devastated for me because I lost a sweet, brilliant friend. I really, really, get it.

But dammit, Duncan, everybody comes into relationships with friends or lovers with baggage. Every blessed person. He wooed you. Not the other way around. You gave him editorial privileges with your blog and you gave him a script of yours to read. Did he ever read it? Did he ever do anything with it to help you develop it? That is, after all, part of his job. One thing he did do, was apparently poison the well with Vigliano. He gave you just enough line to keep you from shaking the hook… and you’re STILL giving him a pass. And I sincerely doubt that his heart is broken. He gives good show. Didn’t you say that? Albeit, about a different type of show.

Oh… since he’s contacted you about his debt and about your tarnishing his “good” name, has he shown a quantum of concern about your health? Strange that you never mentioned something like “As justifiably angry as I am at him, he nevertheless, does offer his concern and his well wishes, even though we both know that our relationship is over and he must leave me, as I him, in the past and at peace.” He continually inserts himself back in your life and brings back the turmoil, but only for his benefit. He was not worthy of you. For God’s sake, stop making yourself out to be Quasimodo, inside and out, and get that you chose the wrong guy because at a time when you were very vulnerable and needed to connect and feel someone’s attention, he was the mirage of an oasis in the distance that reached out to the man who felt like he was dying of thirst. And then knowing the state that you were in, he rationed that attention so that you wouldn’t kick your addiction but would stay hooked. HE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING.

I’m SORRY but do you get that just when he should leave well enough alone and be grateful that he’s not having to defend himself in small claims court, and when you’ve finally gotten to a place of peace, he’s not satisfied? He sends you a letter that’s all about him and his hurt and his unease about having people who read the blog think badly of him. And he gets you infuriated and upset and sad and confused ALL OVER AGAIN. AND WHEN YOU’RE PRETTY SURE THAT YOU’RE FIGHTING CANCER! Bloody hell! If he’s confused, he’s a confused narcissist. If he seems sweet, it’s because he dissembles well and is a charming narcissist. A very bright, narcissist, who is really good at manipulating people. I said that I’d let it go since you had let it go, but damn him, he won’t let it go. I think that he’s a user and a manipulator. Maybe his name should be anathema, then our cognizance of him could fade away into the dark like the bloody ghoul that he is.

Sorry, again. We only wish the best for you. Revisionist history of how great your relationship is not healthy. It’s not the truth. When you go back and read your entries, it wasn’t great. Not even close. You said that you were paranoid and suspicious, remember? As if hooking up with a guy who pursued you, said that he wanted to be with you, and then when your heart was too involved for you to walk away, told you that the relationship that dare not speak it’s name would be on his terms. And you had the back story of how he deceived her for 7 years. No wonder you were suspicious when all the signs were throwing themselves in your face. Did it ever even once cross your mind that it’s not the pathology of your mad head but that IT’S HIM?! He could have been upfront from the beginning that he wanted to be a free agent. But why would he be honest when he could have his cake and eat it too? String you along as long as you allowed it? There are young men and women, gay and straight, with integrity. With compassionate hearts. To say that it was his youth and inexperience, his pain at coming out of the closet with the benefit of his nice liberal parents as you pointed out — is bullshit. He was unworthy of you. Please get that narcissists are bright, charming, superficially sympathetic, manipulating predators. You never met any of his friends. Do you remember saying that? Ever wonder why? What would you have thought of him judging by the caliber of his friends? Like the one who e-mailed you from Mt. Kisco to tell you that JB was laughing at you behind your back? Making him a sweet little lamb and you the big, bad wolf is a bloody lie. I really revile him now. He should have kept his mouth shut and left you alone.

Please, please take care of yourself. I’m sorry for the rant but I loathe people who take advantage of other people and continually hurt their feelings with impunity. It just infuriates me. You deserve so much better. I won’t question your decision to be single at this point. I think that when you have some distance and some perspective that you will realize that you can and will have a loving relationship with someone who cherishes you the way you cherish the ones you love.



go get the balls looked at and taken care of will ya?
its a whole lotta self destructive not to.
if i can have cysts taken out of my ovarys, and that sucked, you can do what you have to do. ignoring it cuz your in turmoil doesnt work, nor does it make it go away. its your life , u only get one.
if u need help here ask, and it will be, its not like theres no options besides the uk. smooches meshuganah. xx

Dar Duncan,
dont be a o pratt! While you are feeling down and depressed about your ex – that tumor is getting bigger and angrier. Get your arse back to England and have it operated on. It may be small and OK now, but they have a habit of exploding without warning – so pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease, get you arse in gear and sort your body out. You are young and have a lot to give but that little lump can kill you without warning. I know what I am talking about.
I dont know if you are scared or confused but rest assured, you will be treated well here in England. You have plenty of friends who will visit you and care for you and then you will recover and the operation can be a line for you, where you can start again without your ex squatting rent-free in your head.

As I said before, I dont even know how your blog came to me, but you are now like a distant friend and I care about you and want you to get that thing removed IMMEDIATELY. Please do it. Even for me. A stranger who cares.

Your little dog is so cute. What will he do if you vanish from his life. You have a duty to him to get better and stop sodding about and wasting time thinking about your ex – who no matter what you say – was a passing train. Its happened to us all but you have to move on, just as he will move on to another decent guy.

Warm wishes and love

Jenny xx


b) switch to the blood type diet

c) Read The Cure by Dr. Timothy Brantley (

testimonials by Kelsey Grammer, Carol Alt, Kelly Rowan, Gavin MacLeod et als…
I believe he hails from your neck of the woods.

4) And, examine very closely what’s eating you to get to the root cause as your body is speaking to you. (louise hay, lise bourbeau, bruce lipton, gregg braden, etc.)

deliver yourself

I omitted to say with respect to affordability, Brantley is a PhD, ND, not an MD.

I have been where you are

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