Are you OK?
We say that to each other in the UK all the time. It doesn’t really mean anything, it’s just the way we check in with each other. I check in with you and you check in with me. Even if I am not OK I thank you for asking.
When I taught him, the companion, what it meant he played at asking me if I was OK but the effect was still the same. I felt good, checked in with, placated.
Americans, when you ask them if they are OK, worry that something looks wrong with them. It worries them, disrupts their day.
So, don’t ask an American if he/she is OK unless you think that there is something wrong. You’ll do more harm than good.
It’s Monday morning. I have just been to therapy.
The weekend was a delicious blend of fun, laughter and me feeling better than I have for 8 months. I am just so happy. Happy doesn’t necessarily mean well-behaved. I have been delightfully rude.
Ivan Massow is in town, such an unpleasant man who was the ‘source’ in the Caroline Roux article about me for the Guardian. The source who was too scared to be openly vicious about me. Anyway, there he was yesterday having lunch, slimeing all over my straight friend Ben. Who in their right mind gave that man the ICA to run? WHO in their right mind thought he should stand as Mayor of London? Crazy!
Anyway, supposedly he is sober so I am trying not to hate him too much.
Thankfully he is losing his looks.
Saturday spent nearly all day in Malibu. Lunch in the Lumber Yard with Jon Aubry. I went to bed early Saturday night.
Breakfast on Sunday with Will and his dog Rocco. Stephen popped by at about 11 and then lunch with Sharon Swart. Delightful. She attended a flower arranging class and brought to lunch a huge bouquet of roses and hydrangea.
Sunday night Michael and I went to a party in Silverlake. There was a performance piece for us to watch. Three 10 minute sections of a larger work about a man accused of burning down his house and killing his daughters. The first part was indecipherable. The second and third part, although messy, were much better and had good, strong ideas. The director asked what I thought..so I told him. Bad idea. Nobody wants to hear the truth.
We were meant to meet Jamie Lee Curtis after that party but we did not.
Taka came by late on Sunday. He is a funny one. Editor, Japanese..chatty.
Oh, before I forget..the new Malibu renters arrived on Saturday and are very happy in the house. They are the SWEETEST people from the UK who loved the house the moment they stepped through the door and from whom I have not heard since..no news is GREAT news as far as renters are concerned.
I made a ‘to do’ list for Monday that includes all the boring stuff I have been putting off for weeks but essential if I am going to stay on top of things.
I went to therapy on Saturday morning and shared my good news. My only worry about therapy is that I am surrounded by so many miserable, desperate men.
It’s now Monday morning and I am positioned at my ‘desk’ at SHLA. Papers and briefcase open and ready for action. My list of things ‘to do’ is already half eaten. THICK lines scored through the things already done.
Listen, I have no idea why I am so happy but one thing is for sure..it has nothing to do with anyone else. In fact, I was briefly annoyed by the actions of the other last night but after a few seconds ceased to be. There was a time in the very recent past when the other could ruin my entire evening by being snippy. Not anymore.
Whenever one has a meaningful relationship one tends to ignore when things don’t add up. Denial gluing disparate parts of one story into something believable.
I am not annoyed with him..a little disappointed in me.
Disappointed that I have been so desperate to make our relationship work. Just writing that down makes me feel sick. That I would have done anything to make another man love, want and care for me. For the past 8 months I have devoted my time, energy, love and money to a stranger who bust his way into my life after seeing me on TV. It is a testament to my own low self-esteem just how much I was prepared to ignore in order to feel loved.
I am grateful that I fell in love and really got to know a man, be seen by another man. You may think that I have been foolish but in fact the last few months have been some of the best of my whole life. I miss him. I do. But what I miss doesn’t really exist. I miss being cared about, thought about, fantasized about, included and lastly, but most importantly, I miss being loved.
Every decision I made these past few months has been inspired by my love for him. Consequently I now have to make decisions based on my needs, my desires and my career.
I have vowed not to work out our stuff here in my blog so I won’t.
All you, my readers, need to know is that I am ok..are you ok?
10 replies on “Are You OK?”
I’m just peachy!
Our version of “Are you OK?” is saying “Hi, How are you?” walking past someone, but often not bothering to pause to hear the reply. It is a way of caring about someone carelessly. Basically, in my opinion, it’s like saying “Hi, good to see you are not dead. Bye.”
I’m doing great. Thanks for asking!
And that’s HOW how you write a blog.
Tickity Boo thank you and great to know you are too! 🙂
Duncan you are spot-on in describing the difference in reaction to “Are you OK” from respectively UK and US people. I do hear happily, from your post, that you are becoming increasingly comfortable in your clarity and serenity, regardless of what people are doing around you. Reality and people we cannot control. Our reactions we can control. I have found some peace in really enjoying the good things and basically letting go of my reactions to others’ bad behavior. No energy going there unless need for acute circumstantial damage control (i.e., work or friend-related interference). Best, Leslie
Not too shabby!!
id be even better if i had some key lime pie…it used to freak me out when my friends from the UK asked me if i was ok, i was like, why is there some thing wrong i dont know about?
sigh, us paranoid yanks.
Great, thanks for asking!
Great blog, lovely photo.
Someone once told me that you are no good to anyone else until you learn to like yourself a lot. You are definately happy with your lot and it is so good to hear the happiness in your writing.
You are sending out delightful positive vibes and the Universe will reciprocate.
Love to you.
Duncan,
I’m glad that you’re happy. And energized. And it’s great that you have another item for your gratitude list, in that this time, you have sweet people for renters. As for the miserable, desperate men in your therapy group, although a bit draining, maybe you are meant to be a beacon in the darkness for them since you are becoming better. Just as those in recovery “give it away to keep it” by sharing their stories in meetings and sponsoring newbies. (Sorry, pigeon always sounds to me like a confidence game. I’ve probably been watching too much “Leverage”.)
You said “Consequently I now have to make decisions based on my needs, my desires and my career.” Isn’t that the way it should have been all along? Or at least that you should have had some priority once in a while? I think that your relationship was important in that as you said, it opened you up to the possibility of actually having one. You were ready to examine the possibility, although you didn’t seem as if you were actively pursuing one, so God sent you a test run. And now you know that you do want a relationship and how you want to be treated when you do. What you’re willing to compromise about and what you need to demand. Yes, demand. Plus, there are two (or three) sides to everything and he, too, bears some responsibility for not adjusting to make the relationship work and from what you’ve said, expecting you to do all the heavy lifting. As in dancing, partners must cooperate, because if they’re pulling in two different directions or oblivious to each other, well, it’s not impossible, but it’s hard to dance as a couple. And that’s what I wish for you. To be able to dance with your soulmate.
As for “Are You OK?”… I couldn’t help but think of an old pop psychology book “I’m OK, You’re OK”. And yes, I am and so it seems are you. 🙂 Float on.
Blessings,
Amanda
Duncan….. I am still digesting all of the great advice you gave me on our nice walk with the dogs after breakfast Sunday. Thank you again for sharing your life and for helping with mine. I love you my friend.