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Love Rant

My Father

On my knees today.  Waiting to be delivered from the worst.  God, you must understand, never lets me down.   Never has.  Thank you for that.   Everything is just the way it is meant to be in God’s perfect world.

Fuck.  It’s been so hard recently to feel as if life was worth living.  But I just threw myself into the love from those around me.  It’s hard to trust that they will catch you when you fall..but they did.  All day.   Thank you, thank you, thank you.

What, you may be thinking is the worst?   Well, this birthday palava is getting to me.  Was getting to be.  It’s hard to be in acceptance when all around you feels that what was available seems unavailable.

I don’t mean a person..no one person is bringing me down.

I don’t want anyone to think I’m writing about them.  This funk is more about my inability to pull myself out of alcoholic swill and back into the creative life I’ve had for so long.

Today, I prayed that the phone would ring and then the phone rang and I was commissioned to write a piece for a mag.  Then tonight a producer gave me a huge boost, telling me to call when I got back from Europe, that it was time for me to direct something.

Bumped into Sebastian whose father was my father’s best friend.  He said, “Your father was such a cool guy.”  And told me all about my brothers and sisters and what they were up to.

It made me feel very proud.  I do wish that I had had a relationship with him.  I really do.

I am going to sleep well tonight.

PS  The online dating site is yielding interesting possibilities after all.  Not sex but connections.  I was just really honest and said what I wanted.  A relationship.  I want a relationship.

9 replies on “My Father”

My dad had 2 other daughters from previous dalliances. Found out through his obituary. I really really would like to see what they look like and all about them. I wonder if they are normal or if they’re as neurotic as I am. I’ve never met anyone on my dad’s side even though she was married to him (and i never knew him either).
You might ought to try to get to know your siblings, especially since you’re probably outgoing, plus they would have reasons to be proud of you. I’m way too shy to try to find mine and I want to be something if it was meant for my sisters to know me.
But wow, it will be so great for you to start creating again, and I bet writing an article and having it published would feel so wonderful.
Anyway, I’m rambling. God bless and sweet dreams.

Duncan,

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ So, so glad for you. *Metal Rabbit hands Duncan “The Sun” tarot card & says “It’s yours. Your highest good.”* Namaste.

Blessings,

Amanda

Imagine 50 as the crest of a hill, not because it’s all downhill from there (LOL) but because from there you can see where you have been and all the possibilities and freedoms that are available to you at the top of that hill. On Monday, I had the great privilege of going up to a medicine wheel with some First Nations friends. It is on the top of a “mountain” (in my part of the world a very large hill qualifies) with a 360 degree view to all horizons. Up there, numbers don’t matter, but the spirit that you bring with you matters absolutely. Love to you, Moira

Aho! Do you speak Lakota, Gabby? My friends speak (and are trying to save) the Nakota language.

Hey Moira: I don’t speak Lakota but I worked with the Elders and Shaman when I went through the medicine wheel. It was a life changing & mind-blowing experience. If you have the chance to participate, I highly recommend it!

Gabby, they have invited me to take part in sweat lodge ceremonies and sundances. I am honoured and excited.

Moira: That’s incredible. Go in with an open mind and no expectations. Magic will happen. An invitation is very special indeed. They must see something extraordinary in you. Aho.

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