Dream: weirdly compelling dream, I am in a beautiful country house in South America, there is an anaconda, I am guarding the little dog, then we are on a train to a small village, lots of people..then on my own.
I am on a high protein diet so I can lose a few pounds before I get to England rather than work it off whilst I am there. The upshot is I am feeling aggressively horny. Need..want..love.
Taming the beast. Look, I have to confide in you: I have never been interested in second best, making do, half measures not only availed me nothing but I am turned OFF by the avowedly second rate. I am interested in first class everything and why shouldn’t I be? I don’t mean huge houses or fancy cars, I don’t want ravishing beauty or perfect bodies all I have ever wanted was something or someone who could tell me the truth.
Again, let me state as boldly and confidently as I know how: AUTHENTICITY. I am only interested, I have only ever been interested and will always only ever be interested in that that is authentic and true.
This may account for the kind of pornography with which I used to be obsessed.
If I look around my home I can tell you that there is not one fork, spoon, chair or rug that I don’t LOVE.
Selling my art recently has given me the freedom to let everything go. I may have no option. Yet, as fast as I let things go I acquire more. It is an addiction as grave as pornography or drugs. I used to look around my home in Whitstable and I could tell you to the day how badly I felt by the amount of money I spent on the possessions I owned.
Last night I met some actor from a show called Dollhouse. I don’t remember his name. Fran someone or other. He was/is attractive but because I no longer objectify or intrigue I really didn’t know how to engage with strangers. The conversation lingered and died. Is this how things will be from now on?
Fuck.
Before my sexual maturity work in therapy when ever I went out I would flit from table to table intriguing and flirting and having a gay old-time. Yesterday night I was compelled to chat with people I knew rather than making brand new friends.
Fuck!
I really do not want to lose that motivation. I love people but how do I love people without them becoming my drug of choice?
5 replies on “Drug of Choice”
I am a very shy person myself, so I am probably not the best person to give advice, but my guess would be have your friends introduce you and have a good friend sort of stay with you and keep the convo going. Soon you’ll get the whole social butterfly thing back. If you have a thought about a handsome guy, or 2 or 3, but you don’t act on it, no harm done. And slightly flirty without being overtly sexual couldn’t be too harmful either. Besides, you seem to have a very charming personality and knowledgeable on many subjects. I’m sure you’ll find common ground w/ folks easily in the end.
Duncan,
Weird dream. I can only think that for some reason, you’re replaying the incident with the rattlesnake, except that this time it’s an anaconda. This in the vein of “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” On the other hand… a big snake is an obvious sexual symbol. And you very much identify with the little dog. So my question would be, what are you protecting yourself from?
You said “The upshot is I am feeling aggressively horny.” Maybe that’s what you were trying to work out in your dream. I read that when Mae West wanted to send out particularly strong sexual signals, that she would eat a lot of meat. [Don’t even go there, people. ;)] Maybe you should make your protein mainly fish or tofu. Who knows, it might make your libido shift down a gear or two.
“I love people but how do I love people without them becoming my drug of choice?” Ah, there’s the rub. I guess that you just continue to work on dealing with having an addictive personality. Going to counseling, working the steps. And all in all, there are worse things than being a social butterfly. Strange though, you never seem to get work addicted. My friend, the artist, would teach her art classes and then go and work 12 hours at a stretch on this massive oil painting that was her latest project. In a cold studio, with a bad back and having to climb on a ladder to reach parts of it. She’d lose time, caught up in materializing her vision. In everything that I’ve read, I’ve never heard you say that you were working on a script or your book, typing until your fingers cramped and your eyes were bleary from staring at the computer screen for so long. In fact, everything seems to distract you from creating, lately, at least. Why is that?
“Yet, as fast as I let things go I acquire more. It is an addiction as grave as pornography or drugs. I used to look around my home in Whitstable and I could tell you to the day how badly I felt by the amount of money I spent on the possessions I owned.” Knowing your financial situation — I mean, you know the state of your economy — what’s going on with you that you’re acquiring more stuff? What space are you trying to fill that’s so empty? The things that you’ve bought recently… what do they tell you about how you felt when you bought them?
You seem melancholy. I wish I could brew you a nice hot cuppa, give you some lovely biscuits and get you to shake those blues away. *Sending virtual tea — how about Earl Grey? –, biscuits & lots of sympathy.*
Blessings,
Amanda
Great Post Amanda, completely agree about the avoidance and distraction
people are horibel!
Damn libido! Mine always surges when I am getting lots of exercise and eating a really healthy diet. I am learning to love the energy (rather than be afraid of its consequences) and channel it into other passions (and who knows….)–As for dreams, have you ever tried Jungian dream analysis? It is a fascinating process and makes the dream come alive in a very personal, shamanic journeying kind of way.
Do you think that communicating with people might be easier if you are genuinely interested in their lives? Ask a few questions, do lots of listening.
I am probably way off the mark, but I wonder if you are looking for a kind of perfection in life that may not exist. Life can be beautiful without perfection, and a hell of a lot easier to live.
Speaking of perfection, you look very handsome in the picture of you with a blonde woman (who I think I should recognize). 🙂