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Malibu Rant

Paris!!

8am Malibu.  Cleaning the house.  This is my true vocation.  House cleaner and rent collector.

I rearranged the downstairs apartment so it now looks rather chic.   Loved it.  Love it.  I wish I lived downstairs and out of this huge loft.  The greatest thing and the worst thing about living here is the view.  It is magnificent, consuming and exhausting.  There is no escape from the view.

The days pass uneventfully.  A humming-bird flew into the sitting room yesterday so I gently caught it and let it free.  Lunch with Andrew and the Little Dog in Santa Monica on the beach.   Long conversation with Jake which began as I pulled onto the 10 going west and ended a few meters from Las Flores.  30 miles of conversation.  We are going to have friendly fun in Europe.    Dinner with heavily pregnant Jen and Trevor at café Habana.  I ate a pork chop.  Am cutting out all white flour from my diet this month as a ways and means to look good for my arrival in Paris.  Trevor told me that he lost his temper at some lesbians and their three off leash dogs.

Spoke with Georgina in Whitstable whose daughter Sophie was having a good old laugh in the background.   This time next month I will see them all.  Get to join in on the joke.

I felt vulnerable after speaking with Georgina.

It is hard for me to show how vulnerable I can be to anyone.

I remember eves’ dropping on a conversation my stepfather was having with my mother when I was a small boy.  He was explaining to her that he was finding the written component of some work related conference he was attending very challenging.  It was the first and only time I acknowledged that he was capable of vulnerability.   His slight, whiney voice proof that this monster of a man was anything other than granite tough.

This day next month I will be in NYC.  The following day we will be in Paris.  July in Paris.   Perfect.

What a fucking disaster LA has been for me.  A total waste of time and money.  Against nature in every way possible.  Intellectually bereft.  Creatively barren.  No hope of happiness in this monstrous place.  The only thing going for it:  the weather.  The fucking weather.  Another beautiful fucking day in paradise.

I suppose it would help if I went out more.  Like I used to? Hang out at the Chateau, Soho House etc. or simply called people I know would want to hear from me but I am winding down, getting ready to leave.    Everything is in order.  Bills paid.  Off I go.  Time to leave.  Time to pack my bag and dog.

9 replies on “Paris!!”

Have you not made friends in LA? Have you not found peaceful times walking in the canyons with your dogs? Don’t belittle an experience as a “disaster” because certain things didn’t work out. Look at the positive, for once, and carry it with you to your new location. Remember, where ever you go, you take yourself with you.

Duncan,

You had your breakthrough and progressed to another level of sobriety in LA. You met Jennie through Sex Rehab in LA. (She’s pregnant?! That’s so great!) You became the rescuer of ‘Lil Dog in LA. And yes, you had heartbreaking loss that opened your heart and allowed you to cry. In LA.

You have a beautiful home in Malibu, should you decide to come back to it. With your wonderful garden & the critters. The hummingbird was an omen. A wonderful one. Do you get it? Think.

Go out. Hang out. Call people. You may be winding down in preparation for the trip but that doesn’t mean you have to isolate yourself. Enjoy your life, dammit. Don’t just sit there marking time. Be in the here and now. Namaste.

Blessings,

Amanda

nice blog, Paris is beautiful in July it must be hard being you, sorry didn’t have my blow yet

Dearest Duncan: I hope you find happiness within, no matter where you are or who you are with.

Duncan,
You are so beautiful. By reading your blog I see your beauty, I feel your pain.

I love you.

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