Really Gay

What kind of man is a gay man?

My newly out friend is delighted that other men don’t realize he is gay.

Isn’t that just the same as being in the closet?

Driving to Hollywood last week Andrew said, “That was a really gay hand gesture..”

I said, “That’s because I AM really gay.”

Gwen, when she saw my white cashmere scarf said, “That scarf makes you look really gay.”

Once again I replied, “That’s because I am really gay.”

In the same way that I have a range of sexual possibilities open to me, I also have an evolved behavioral panoply.  I can be as masculine or as effeminate as I want to be..I am, after all, not playing the role of being a gay man.  I am a gay man..and occasionally I will be aggressive and dominant (traditionally masculine) or on other occasions when I am having a laugh I can prance around my place in imaginary heels lip synching to Lady Gaga.

I can be anything I want as long as I am authentic.  I am not going to affect a deeper voice, a darker personality, limited hand and eye brow movements simply so other men will not realize that I am gay!  It’s exhausting to lie like that.

Whatever I am, I am not striving to be, as Iago said,  not what I am.    Authenticity is key.  I didn’t come out of the closet to start pretending all over again, to start fooling my gay brethren.  To fool their gaydar.  I came out to be who I am.  Not what you want me to be or feel shame about my feminine hand gestures, my flamboyant scarves.  I don’t believe in shame!


If you think fooling other gay men is where it’s at then you are only fooling yourself.

Equally, gay men who think they are wonderful at divining who is gay are in fact utterly useless at figuring out who is gay because everyone can do gay stuff..I on man stuff.  Casting a spell like a bad fairy is not ‘gaydar’.  The prisons are chock full of men fucking men who are not gay.

On the whole gay men flag their gayness depending on the tribe that they belong to.

This is exactly why I have stuck with straight identified’s just another tribe of men who fuck men.

Mainstream gay culture,  just like the straight mainstream, is not to my liking.  Frankly, my dears, the mainstream bores me to tears!  Normal+Common=Get Me Out Of Here.

Mainstream Gay Culture:  Ripped bodies shown off in tight tee shirts, tribal posturing, childish Peter Pan excitement, arrested development, intensity over intimacy,  endless flirting and sexing up of every single situation.  What are those huge muscles for?  Pumped up like Greek warriors for no good reason.  All form and no function.  It’s just drag dear!  Those boys can’t fight to save their lives!

If you are coming out today or thinking about it..just remember that you have hidden your true nature for a long, long time.  You may not really have a clue who you are.  All I urge you to do, as best you can, is be true to yourself.

I am in a foul mood, trying to overcome this ghastly malaise that has beset me.

14 replies on “Really Gay”

Duncan, I’m so heartened by your unflinching determination to be yourself. If you ever have children, send them to my school, we’d love to have your family be a part of it. (Albeit in New York)

TOTALLY identify with the blaaa attitude over mainstream gay culture. I mean I go to the Pride parades but tend to avoid the festivals.
It’s not so much that I hide who I am. Everyone knows eventually I am a gay male I just see no reason to put it on a t-shirt and wave the flag as I walk to the store.
I’ve gotten so much bs from my gay friends because I don’t go to gay clubs and the like. I’m a huge fan of punk & metal music. Honestly feel much more comfortable going to a metal or rock concert than hanging at a gay club. I don’t identify with mainstream gay culture.
The percieved image and portrayal as gay men as overly-sexualized, scandalous, and either drugged out or hooking up at clubs just is of no interest of me.
I have been accused of trying to hide my sexuality, when in reality it’s not that I hide who I am, I just choose not to parade it.
All my friends in the local metal scene have embraced me as a gay male, moreso than I ever felt accepted within the gay circles as who I am.
I guess at the end of the day, it’s true. We must just be who we are.

Well said.

I don’t really think about whether my friends are gay. I’m just myself, and I have the friends who like me.

I don’t see mainstream gay culture as “ripped body shown off in tight tee shirts.” Maybe that’s how it is in WeHo and Chelsea? I also have no problem with people being like that. In fact, I admire the muscles, though they haven’t been important enough for me to try to emulate. I’m a mind person, so I’m probably as overeducated as they are overmuscled.


Bravissimo! I’m so sorry that you’re still having a sinking spell, as my grandmama would say, but it seems that you’ve found your voice and your energy to type — LOL — and I couldn’t agree more with most everything that you said.

I have only two caveats. Straight identified men can be just as caught in the Peter Pan syndrome as gay men. In fact, I think that the book was originally written as a warning for women. And there are just as many tribes of straight men: geeks/techies, jocks, literati… the list goes on.

My other caveat is that with everything that you’ve written about your stepfather, I think that you stick with straight identified men because HE was a straight identified man. You got imprinted very young by a certain type of man. If he had been more outwardly gay — whatever that can mean — I think that your preference would be different. It’s like Amber being drawn to men that resemble her father, like a moth to a flame… but deeper in your case because there was sexual abuse involved. But like you said, you are free to behave as you wish, and to explore any choice of lover or friend, as well. Find yourself a thermal and float on.



Can we be inside the closet if we just don’t run to the rooftop and scream HEY FUCKERS, I AM GAY!! I cannot count how many times I have heard people making negative comments towards gays. When people ask are you married should I say no, I cannot get married cause I am gay? I don’t have a girlfriend, I date sometimes, don’t really care most of the time, should I also my blood type? FUCK, I hate this!

Duncan – There are some of us who are so gifted with refined sensibilities, so authentic, so free that, ultimately, classification is an invalid concept. The Native American tradition of “Two-Spirit” individuals has been found by anthropologists in over 130 tribes. IMHO, it takes an evolved person to be both Warrior and Clan Mother, both male and female while simultaneously neither. “Gender” is so limited/limiting. We need to transcend that. Note to religious fundamentalists: In the oldest extant sacred scriptures, God is characterized as both male and female. S/he totally gets it.

Brava! And as I recall, the person who was “Two-Spirit” was the only one who could perform certain spiritual ceremonies. It’s so sad that some of our Western religious homophobia has infected other cultures like what is happening in Uganda. TRUTH WILL OUT!


Bahaha…. chin chin!! Well said…!! They will find its hard enough trying to be ones self never mind someone different.

I personally have my moments and its not in the slightest bit contrived… it’s just who I am… and I love who I am…!!! not in the self possessed way… well at times yes… but above all I like me… and surround myself with a whole eclectic array of people who like me too… and who I like.

The whole ‘Gay Culture’ is rather bogus and bores me shitless… give me real culture any day! 😉

Agree with you Robb, it works for whatever sexuality you might be. It all goes back to labeling people, and that is such horse hockey. Labels ultimatly mean jack shit at the end of the day.
People are kinda like onions, some times you have to peel away the layers to get to the best part.(or they make you cry im never sure which)

Just heard a Psych professor say that whenever we tell ourselves a lie, we upset the integrity of our nervous system. Isn’t that mind-blowing?! Lie to yourself at your own peril. Neuroscience tells us to be authentic in thought, word and deed.

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