The 18th Century Man has just peeled beets and the little dog is sleeping on the sofa.
This evening he very kindly bought a huge chunk of white chocolate for me at Wholefoods. In no time at all we seem to have settled into a harmonious domestic routine. We do not challenge each other unnecessarily nor do we expect anything more from each other than this moment where we exist right now.
He is cooking gnocchi. His accent is becoming apparently British and he is threatening to shave his beard revealing just how young he looks without it.
It was a beautiful early morning yesterday above the marine layer when I drove to my meeting in Hollywood, saw my breakfast boys then drove back to Malibu so I could take him to work. Carless because his spunky roommate had borrowed his baby blue Mustang-yes, he has a baby blue Mustang.
I have been on the West Side all week. Seriously thinking about getting a studio in Venice rather than keeping a place in Hollywood. I will have ‘community’ and be able to get to Malibu and my meetings and go to the gym without travelling 60 miles.
The 18th Century Man and me seem to cause some of you consternation. What do you expect? That I settle down into some miserable, suburban co-existence with a man more my own age because it suits your idea of what is ‘best’ for me? The reality is-I have no expectation, we have no expectations. We are having fun. The sex that I should have had for three months with the other I am still not having in abundance because I am not breaking my vow! We are getting to know each other! Getting to know what it feels like so if and when the moment comes-and it seems to be coming..imminently then it will be the right moment with the right man.
He is not a boy. He is a grown up man packaged in a boyish body. Men just like him are presently going down mines, being blown up in wars or designing bridges like the wunderkind Thomas Telford.
I don’t care if you approve of my choices or me. I am obviously not the kind of man the average mother is going to approve of or the best-girl-friend. Women get it so wrong when they imagine what is best for men together. They really have no clue. I am never going to get the best-girl-friend to love me as often the best-girl-friend has carved out a place in her heart for him that is never going to include anyone-ever.
So, for my many detractors:
I think that a lot of you forget that whilst you were out there having sex with multiple partners, or even one partner I was not. I was at home on my own cosseted away from the world of sex looking at the Internet or simply too scared to have sexual relations. Don’t give me a hard time now I have learned how to do it.
You can be a very punitive bunch. Wouldn’t you wish a condemned man a few days of happiness?
You know what I adore about him? He gets it. Night Jasmin, white chocolate, black glazed cotton. But the best thing about this friendship is that we both understand that any narrative will have a beginning, middle and an end. Remember, he isn’t on the rebound, he isn’t new from some sweaty closet, and he hasn’t come to me riddled with self-doubt or jaded by relations with many, many men.
I have looked into the eyes of too many men who were simply not there.
15 replies on “White Chocolate”
Would never deny anyone happiness… (in drips and drables or bucketfuls).
Just a cautionary note:
When your chasing the rabbit trail.. extending energy with a less than fifty/fifty chance.. that you don’t become the one staring back and no one is in there.
Here’s to White Chocolate, black glazed cotton, boys too men.. life has many lessons.
It sounds like you’ve found someone who is a fully formed person who knows who he is. Hooray. Much happiness to the both of you.
I say throw caution to the wind and your hands up in the air and enjoy what you obviously are enjoying! People are people and some put far to many restrictions on themselves and others; withought taking in each moment and allowing them to just simply enjoy!!! That’s what you are doing and no mater what they can’t deny you of this tenderness and joy! Luckily; it sounds like you don’t really care what anyone thinks…. Good bloody on ye I say!!! Have fun mr!!! 🙂 x
Thanks for writing this entry. It reminds me of that saying: ‘what other people think of me, is none of my business’. I believe that people give unsolicited advice to squelch their own fears or envy.
Last night, a good friend was telling me about her new love. I just lost mine. Envy came rising up and instead of spilling the ugly green words of jealousy, silent tears fell and I told her I was happy for her. Because the only truth is, she deserves it. You deserve it too. We all do.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that when people tell you how to live your life, they’re telling you from their fear based perspective. Keep the faith Duncan. Hanging out with people who are kind, thoughtful, nurturing and loving is a beautiful place to be – no matter what their age, gender or sexual orientation.
OY.
I say, enjoy, and good luck!! You deserve every bit of happiness that comes your way–like every other person in the world!!!
ach robb, what are you oying about?
and D, i dont think people were dissing on your new relationship, i think many of us care about you in that weird writer to reader way.{might have that backwards, i worked very hard today}
and much as i dont like admitting it, no im sure women have no clue about whats best for men together. ffs, like how would we know?
hell, i have a hard enought time figuring out whats best for me! and thats a OY 😉
Duncan,
I think that the reason that some people were upset is that they were afraid that like so many women & men facing a rather important birthday, that you might be choosing a much younger friend/lover because of a mid-life crisis of sorts. Or because — you — are the one rebounding. Replacing one barely finished relationship with another before giving yourself a chance to have some reflection. You are just a little over one year out of sex rehab as you have mentioned when your anniversary came around.
However, I think that, especially, since you are sponsoring two people, that you are reminded each day of the program and the steps. I trust that you are following your program, are in touch with Jill Vermeire, and are becoming more aware of your choices and the reason behind them. My only worry is the phrase “Wouldn’t you wish a condemned man a few days of happiness?” I know that you have the trip to London via Paris coming up within the month but I don’t like that sentence. You’re not condemned, dude. Whatever comes, you have your strength, true friends, and your Higher Power in your corner. As well as many well wishers. Myself, especially.
I think that there are mothers and best girlfriends who would happily find a place in their hearts for you. Maybe not the old you — numb, seductive eyes but really not there, ever on the prowl — but the new awake you. I think that many women with gay male friends get them. Their only wish is that they make healthy choices. Healthy not in the narrow-minded way of some of the world but healthy for them.
Relationships where there is an age difference can work but it takes two very awake people — on all levels, spiritual, emotional and intellectual — who are aware of any co-dependency issues and who can handle any flak that the world fires at them. There are many examples of older women with younger men and vice versa that have worked in the straight community and I’m sure that there are examples in the GLBT community as well. It is never-the-less a contentious topic to some.
I’m so happy that you seem quietly joyful. Not the troubling. almost drug-like exuberance of the past. However, I might rethink the move to Venice until after your return from over the pond. Despite the rationalization of having community and less of a drive to your meetings and Malibu, you never mentioned considering a move to Venice until now. And Venice is where your 18th Century Man is. Just a thought.
Infinite blessings,
Amanda
I wish you all the happiness in the world Duncan and my your new relationship be good and strong and happy.
You’re a survivor.
Good things DO happen to people every day,
so why not you, now?
Here’s to a gift of white chocolate,
and the thoughtfulness behind it.
Duncan…..I could not post and I had to rejoin….what is going on with this?
Only you can truly know what’s best for you, though figuring it out can be a lifetime journey.
May you have the true happiness of deep love based on knowing and committing to each other.
I understand the attraction, hell have you seen what’s on offer at our age range. I think we can offer opinions but I think before I write something that sounds to be judgemental. My relationships have always been with younger people, people often critisized me, no, judged me…..I always told them I am not attracted to younger men, they are attracted to me! I am happily married to a younger man have been together 13 years now.
This sounds like a lovely calm relationship,not some wild party ride full of drama. I did have a reservation about travelling together so soon, but you know what, on second thoughts it would be fun. One of the good things about the age gap is being able to bring things to the relationship that are new and bold, it makes for a great bond.My love to you both.
Congrats on your birthday and your new found love!
Congratulations, Duncan! I, for one, am delighted for you. He sounds lovely and you sound happy and what’s not to like about that? On CR, your stated goal was to be able just to “be present” with someone. Look how far you’ve come.