Death Gay Love

Moving On (back to god)

The last vestiges of what was are now stowed away. The resentments are dealt with, every fact revealed. I have kept my side of the street totally clean. For that I am proud. In the realm of full disclosure I am king. I had to listen to truths I would rather not hear. I am smarting from words like ‘damaged’ and ‘unhealthy’. I just took them on the chin. It would be easy for me to fight back, to make excuses, to tell the story of my life but really..I consider the source.

Hours of conversation with a friend this morning and later this afternoon.

Feel like the skin has been burned off of 90% of my body.  Vulnerable to the memory of the Big Dog.  Remembering her broken and bloody body.  She comes to me and reminds me of what I am capable of.

The conversation was at first a crude attempt at land grab in the emotional terrain we had been inhabiting these past few months  but after a while we settled into a healthy dialogue about much-needed closure.

The last vestiges of what was are now stowed away.  The resentments are dealt with, every fact revealed, keeping my side of the street totally clean.  For that I am proud. In the realm of full disclosure I am king.

I had to listen to truths I would rather not hear.  I am smarting from words like ‘damaged’ and ‘unhealthy’.   I just took them on the chin.  It would be easy for me to fight back, to make excuses, to tell the story of my life but really..I consider the source.  Everything I am left with is for me to deal with without recrimination or harmful actions to the other.

The little dog is restless tonight, unable to find a place to get comfortable.  He perfectly reflects the way I feel.  After Josh’s cancer party we walked the streets of Hollywood and I gazed at men longingly, as if strange flesh would make my head ache less.

I wish that I could drink, sit in some bar somewhere and get totally wasted.  I wish I could take drugs like vicodin or morphine.  I wish I could open my veins to let out theses screaming demons.    I have only one solution and that is to pray.  That is my weapon of last resort.  As the obsession shrinks, the man diminishes, the heart fills full of love once again rather than the desiccated scarcely beating leaden thing that fills the place where my heart should be.

If I pray to that God others have such a problem believing in then all will be well.  I have been embarrassed by my belief in God when that was all I really had, what I came to believe, that gave me succor and a will to live!  I am alive today.  I did not die when I wanted to.  I chose to live so now I must live the best life possible however ‘damaged’ I might be.

Oh damn you addiction.  Damn you for taking me once again to the brink of oblivion.  Damn you for blinding me to the consequences.  The unenlightened live in a world without consequences.

The greatest insults were not leveled at me today, the ones I truly deserved.  That I had been willful and disobedient before my creator.    God had shown me the path to happiness elsewhere and I ignored it.   How embarrassing!  How totally and utterly embarrassing that I should have got caught up in some suburban drama, a bit player in some bad soap opera.  Acquainting myself with those who do not have the willingness, honesty and open-mindedness required for living a serene existence before God.

I am crushed by own actions.  I have no one else to blame.  I now retreat into what has held me for 13 years, that has continued to show me forgiveness and opened its doors and arms to me.  It is my true love, it is the only path I know that will help me achieve my initial desire when I first got sober:  Peace of Mind.

Remember the relief you felt when you first saw the word God written in the 12 steps?   I offered myself to God because I had nowhere else to turn.  Tomorrow I will do the same thing, I will sit with men and women who came to believe, who daily turn over their extraordinariness to a God of their understanding so that they might live a humble life with Peace of Mind their goal.

I know that they will understand, that they will forgive me and help me to forgive myself.

5 replies on “Moving On (back to god)”

i hear you..i pray to twimc. to whom it may concern, and it strengthens me. dark times still as age and poverty batter me, but i have known worse times. i have been having wild drunk dreams of late, for the first time in a decade, signaling a need to be sitting in a room full of drunks, but location and lack of transportation are the stumbling blocks. i take program where i can find it. sometimes you are MY messenger.


Thank you Duncan for this post today. I believe that God talks to us through others and I needed to read this today.
We all get off our path from time to time, God rights us back upright and we go on. That’s the miracle of all of this. You have come so very far. You are willing to see when you fall off track and take action, a true testament to how the program works. Thank you for sharing all that you do.

Grace: God giving us what we do not deserve.
Mercy: God withholding from us what we do deserve.
Peace: The knowledge that Grace and Mercy are still in operation.
May God’s boundless Grace and Mercy give you great Peace and serenity. I’m still praying for your recovery, serenity, health and happiness. Continue to work your program. I’m rooting for you.


When you feel like beating yourself up for being willful and disobedient, remember the story of the prodigal son, who after being committing almost every sin in the book and who only came back to his father’s house because he was broken and could find no other home in this world, was WELCOMED. No recriminations. No humiliation. Just welcome and acceptance. All he had to do was ask.

You know the key: “Ask, and ye shall receive; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.”. Like a heat seeking missile aiming for Love and Light, you got pulled from your compass setting by a lesser heat and light, but now your soul’s back on the beam. You know that humility is recognizing that you’re lost, asking humbly for directions to get back on the path and submitting to the guidance. It is NOT beating yourself up for erring.

Humility is NOT taking descriptions such as “damaged” or “unhealthy” as permanent labels. You were damaged and your interactions may have been unhealthy. But you are healing and progressing toward interacting in a healthy way. Each and every day.

Give yourself some credit. It’s just been a little over a year since you started on this new leg of your journey. You can be proud of your accomplishments along the way. If we are sparks of the greater Light, then the more Light that we allow to be transmitted to us and through us, the greater is the Light enveloping this world and all of us. We all have something to teach and something to learn in every interaction if we are open to it.

Please stop being so hard on yourself. Talk to yourself kindly. Seeing yourself as permanently damaged and ever unhealthy is the disease talking. Don’t listen. Listen to the voice that tells you that you have only to uncover the perfection of God’s version of you that has been covered by the muck of the darkness that still exists in this world. That perfection is there. Like the idea of sculpting where creating a form is a process of chipping away the bits that don’t belong. You are a work in progress that’s getting more beautiful with each chip that falls away.



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