Feel like the skin has been burned off of 90% of my body. Vulnerable to the memory of the Big Dog. Remembering her broken and bloody body. She comes to me and reminds me of what I am capable of.
The conversation was at first a crude attempt at land grab in the emotional terrain we had been inhabiting these past few months but after a while we settled into a healthy dialogue about much-needed closure.
The last vestiges of what was are now stowed away. The resentments are dealt with, every fact revealed, keeping my side of the street totally clean. For that I am proud. In the realm of full disclosure I am king.
I had to listen to truths I would rather not hear. I am smarting from words like ‘damaged’ and ‘unhealthy’. I just took them on the chin. It would be easy for me to fight back, to make excuses, to tell the story of my life but really..I consider the source. Everything I am left with is for me to deal with without recrimination or harmful actions to the other.
The little dog is restless tonight, unable to find a place to get comfortable. He perfectly reflects the way I feel. After Josh’s cancer party we walked the streets of Hollywood and I gazed at men longingly, as if strange flesh would make my head ache less.
I wish that I could drink, sit in some bar somewhere and get totally wasted. I wish I could take drugs like vicodin or morphine. I wish I could open my veins to let out theses screaming demons. I have only one solution and that is to pray. That is my weapon of last resort. As the obsession shrinks, the man diminishes, the heart fills full of love once again rather than the desiccated scarcely beating leaden thing that fills the place where my heart should be.
If I pray to that God others have such a problem believing in then all will be well. I have been embarrassed by my belief in God when that was all I really had, what I came to believe, that gave me succor and a will to live! I am alive today. I did not die when I wanted to. I chose to live so now I must live the best life possible however ‘damaged’ I might be.
Oh damn you addiction. Damn you for taking me once again to the brink of oblivion. Damn you for blinding me to the consequences. The unenlightened live in a world without consequences.
The greatest insults were not leveled at me today, the ones I truly deserved. That I had been willful and disobedient before my creator. God had shown me the path to happiness elsewhere and I ignored it. How embarrassing! How totally and utterly embarrassing that I should have got caught up in some suburban drama, a bit player in some bad soap opera. Acquainting myself with those who do not have the willingness, honesty and open-mindedness required for living a serene existence before God.
I am crushed by own actions. I have no one else to blame. I now retreat into what has held me for 13 years, that has continued to show me forgiveness and opened its doors and arms to me. It is my true love, it is the only path I know that will help me achieve my initial desire when I first got sober: Peace of Mind.
Remember the relief you felt when you first saw the word God written in the 12 steps? I offered myself to God because I had nowhere else to turn. Tomorrow I will do the same thing, I will sit with men and women who came to believe, who daily turn over their extraordinariness to a God of their understanding so that they might live a humble life with Peace of Mind their goal.
I know that they will understand, that they will forgive me and help me to forgive myself.