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Gay Rant

Spinster of This Parish? Not Today Thanks

I need something from you.   I need closure.  Don’t take this the wrong way.  Moving at the wrong pace.  I love you but…

You told me that you could not give me what I wanted-but I think you misjudged what I wanted.   What I wanted more than anything was that we could do all the things we said we wanted to do when we weren’t in a position to do them.  We had some really great ideas about what it meant to be together, time together, excitement together, exploration together.

You said you would fly to see me if only you could, then when you could..you couldn’t.

You may have become less free rather than more free, less brave rather than more brave and complain all the time about your lot without ever taking action to improve it.  Darling Lamb Head:  get a  job you love and a place to live and make yourself available.  Stop wallowing in self-pity and false promises.    How long is this charade going to last where you pretend not to be having a life because you don’t want to be found out?

I am afraid of the huge difference between us.   You see, I am not scared of all that life has to offer!  When I was your age, at the merest hint of an invitation I would have been on that plane, that boat, that train, I would have been in Paris and London and Rome!  You put all the reasons why NOT to before the reasons why you should.

If it had been me I would have come home triumphant!  Armed with stories I would have told my grandchildren.

Darling, I need you to not call me when you are lonely and make cooing noises that just makes me love you all over again.  I need you to set me free from the hope that we could ever be anything other than friends.  If that!

It simply isn’t fair or considerate-in fact it is down right cruel because I cannot call you when I am feeling lonely not least because you are not very good at being compassionate.  I don’t think we should see each other at all until we have got ourselves settled with other people.

I am going to meet this guy tomorrow and I am going to take him to dinner and then I am going to ask him if he will come to Paris with me.  You had your chance and all you could say like a willful, petulant child is NO!

I think we really did exhaust things this time.  We really may have pushed the right button.  Please, please lets hope we did.

So, as a delicious post script to the man I loved:

You know, the days we spent in NYC together were some of the best I ever spent with anyone..ever.  Lamb Head, you never let me write about that.  You kept me silent.   I wasn’t allowed to describe the joy, the love and the kindness.  Never allowed to describe our tender kisses just in case it hurt other people.  Our perfect moments sullied by your fear of what others might think.   Like holding hands in the street.   I can’t hold your hand in the street because I can’t bear the thought of the disapproving glances.   No wonder your mother thinks so badly of me because I never get to write the beautiful things..because you told me not to.   So, I want you to know that we had beautiful time.  I had a beautiful time with your son.  That he is capable of great love.  He knows how to love a man.  He knows how to make a man happy.

Just as it is meant to be.

The last thing he said this evening was that he didn’t make the huge changes in his life to be with me but that, I’m afraid, is the lie he tells himself.  He left the other for a relationship with men, not this man, not me, but with men and we must honour him for that, for it was his bravest hour.

We are tired of the conflict, tired of the unresolved feelings that causes so much distress on this roiling sea of emotion.  We must say goodbye now-help me. Help me say goodbye.

7 replies on “Spinster of This Parish? Not Today Thanks”

😉 its tough… meet with some great friends, have great conversation, have a great laugh and find your inner energy; its time to move onto the next chapter that is “Duncan Roy” Huggs.

you seem to know the answer to the questions you have..now just follow thru D.
Its a damn big world out there, go for it.

Duncan,

Let’s review. You were just months into your sobriety — it was months… wasn’t it? — and you began a hot and heavy clandestine affair with a not so free man. Who wouldn’t let you say that you had a relationship — to each other! Who severely tempted you to endanger your 13 years of sobriety. Who made you feel damaged and unhealthy, instead of feeling that you were blossoming, loved, secure and enough. Yikes.

I’m sad that you’re hurting. I’m sorry that your lovely affair has turned into a long, drawn out break-up. I’m sorry that the plans that you made a deaux were only flights of fancy. But you got your lovely fancy, didn’t you? You got to be in your body & have a crush. But now, & God bless Cole Porter (Lyrics to “Just One Of Those Things”):

“As Dorothy Parker said
To her boyfriend, fare thee well,
As Columbus announced
When he knew he was bounced
It was swell, Isabel, swell

As Abelard said to Eloise
Don’t forget to drop me a line, please
As Juliet cried, in her Romeo’s ear
Romeo, why not face the fact, my dear

It was just one of those things
Just one of those crazy flings
One of those bells that now and then ring
Just one of those things

It was just one of those nights
Just one of those fabulous flights
A trip to the moon on gossamer wings
Just one of those things

If we’d thought at bit, of the end of it
When we starting painting the town
We’d have been aware that our love affair
Was to hot, not to cool down

So goodbye, dear, and amen
Here’s hoping we meet now and then
It was great fun
But it was just one of those things…”

As for going to Paris with someone else… is this to spite/tempt Lamb Head, &/or are you really so loathe to keep your own company? I would think that at this juncture, that the last thing that you need is to jump from a frying pan into a saucier. I’m just saying…. Perhaps you need to reconsider the three most important relationships. The ones with your Higher Power, your sponsor & yourself. Do you talk this stuff over with your sponsor? Because somehow, I don’t think that breaking up with one person & immediately going on an extended trip with another would be given a hearty “Huzzah!”. Don’t shoot the messenger. Please.

You’ve got enough stress and enough on your plate. Please, please don’t compound it. You need to focus on your stuff & only yours. Not anyone eles’s. Don’t pack your bags & go on another guilt trip. Seriously, dude.

Infinite blessings,

Amanda

*Metal Rabbit, with permission, gives Duncan a rib-cracking bear hug & a kiss on the cheek*

I hope you don’t let anyone else edit your blog (and your life) again. We are reading it because we want to know you and we appreciate YOUR words, thoughts, and feelings. This was another one of your entries that really connected with me because it has so much honesty in it.
It is wonderful that you have so many friends, and you obviously have the charisma to attract many others, but time on your own may bring you a greater sense of your own strength and power.
Have a lovely day Duncan.

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