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Death Dogs Love Malibu

Crying

I wrote yesterday about crying, a commission for a new magazine. I have done a great deal of crying during the past few months as my focus shifted from the big picture to just one man. Life narrows exponentially when one falls in love and at the same time balloons into something huge. My tears were not often for him but for past traumas and relationships and deaths.

The Sex Rehab show effect has been cumulative.   When it first aired I expected to be immediately recognized.  As the weeks and months pass more and more people come up to me in the street and introduce themselves.

Shown daily on VH1, making it easier for old ‘friends’ and acquaintances to reach out to me.  Long forgotten, now reminded by Sex Rehab re-acquainted on Facebook, twitter etc.

Reality TV is truly life changing.   Opportunities include film projects,  book deals,  lovers-I am anywhere but where I thought I might be at my age.

Outside, this rainy afternoon, the gardeners are pulling out tons of weeds.  It is good to hear them chattering away in Spanish.  So, that’s what life will be, a life of chattering Mexican gardeners until Dorset Mary pitches up in her airstream and tends the goats and the chickens.

I have to call the bee man today about getting the bees up here.  I know where I want them to go.

I wrote yesterday about crying, a commission for a new magazine.  There’s been a great deal of crying during the past few months as my focus shifted from the big picture to just one man.   Ones view narrows exponentially when one falls in love and at the same time balloons into something huge.  My tears were not often for him but for past traumas and relationships and deaths.  My focus became very shallow and as I retreat from love I seem to be more aware of the horizon.

I cried when my Darling Big Dog was killed. I sat in my bed for a week and sobbed like a child.  I am still prone to sink into that deep, black well of sadness, tears  flooding my eyes and my heart.

If I had not witnessed that terrible moment I would be a lesser man today.  In many ways to have suffered like that unleashed all I had been denying myself throughout the years.  So many times I should have, could have, would have cried but remained stoic and dry-eyed.

The architects have just been to the house to check out the layout.  She was a rather wonderful, practical woman with a great attitude.

My film is taking shape, the garden continues to give pleasure and I am getting into my creative groove.  Although I am still mourning the death of love I am looking forward to a brighter, leaner future.

10 replies on “Crying”

Duncan,

How lovely that you will have bees. Did you know that they are considered an aerodynamic impossibility… that they shouldn’t be able to fly? Luckily, we can’t communicate with them, so they just keep on buzzing around & enabling flowers and trees to blossom & fruit. God love ’em. I hope that you will always be able to enjoy the sweetness of their honey and of your life.

Darling Big Dog broke your heart open and gave you a gift of possibilities. I know that she’s still looking out for you. And that she’s licking away your tears when you’re sad & dancing when they’re tears of joy.

I’m glad that your film is taking shape. Will you tell us what it’s about soon? Maybe just a hint? 🙂

Age is not a number. It’s a mindset. Physically & psychically. I tell myself that I’m youthening like Merlin. I want my body to cooperate with my spirit. 🙂 Try it. *Metal Rabbit bows to Duncan & says “Namaste”*

Blessings,

Amanda

What you went through with Big Dog is what I fear and know I may go through when my dog passes. I agree with Amanda, Big Dog is watching out for you and still in our heart no matter what.

Growing up in chaotic and abusive households makes kids grow up stronger and tougher than they otherwise would have been. I was in a car accident when I was 6 that almost killed me, I’ve never cried about it. I go through the surgeries and doctors appointments like a trooper. That’s what they called me, a “trooper”. I didn’t understand it. I didn’t get that it would have such and impact on my life. Now 15 years, and 10 major operations later I’m allowing myself to grieve and get in touch with my feelings towards it. It was like I had to be strong for everyone else.

It’s really cool that your film is taking shape! I’ve tried to pitch ideas to the Grad students at my school about the doc I want to make but none seem interested…I’m glad yours is picking up. 🙂

Take care, all the best for the future!

Kamala

Hello Duncan, my Name is Flora and im from sweden. I watched sex rehab religiously and I just wanted to say that I admire you and you seem like a wonderful person with alot to offer. I hope everything goes well in your future, take care!

Hi!
I just saw the last episode of sexrehab… And I just want to say that I really hope that you will have a wonderful life. Bless you!

Hugs Sara from sweden

Hi.

I just had to drop a line after finding your blog adress. The last episode of Sex Rehab just ended 5 minutes ago here in Sweden. I guess you’re getting sick of hearing it, but I just had to commend you for being such an honest person. I myself have never experienced the kind of pain that you have, but you are an inspiration, even for young girls like me. I knew I liked you the second I saw you in the first episode (It’s possible that your British accent had something to do with it ^_^). You seem like such a beautiful person, both inside and out. I just had to tell you.

Good luck with the bees and everything else you may set your mind to.

Elin

Congrats on all your new blog friends!

My beautiful big dog who had been with me for almost 14 years died right after Easter. Unlike your experience, it was for the best as he had become extremely ill and beyond helping. I was with him right to the end and am so grateful that he died peacefully and with the dignity he deserved. But it is going to take a long time for me to stop expecting him to be in his usual spots, mostly underfoot or taking up most of the bed! I am focusing on what a great friend and great spirit he was. He gave me such precious gifts, not the least of which was to help me to become less isolated. It seems to me that your big dog gave you a huge gift in allowing you to open the floodgates and release so much.

I want also to thank you for being so honest–you are really helping me to become more honest about who I am,to understand more about what that means, and I feel encouraged to be more brave. I am also encouraged to keep seeking people who can be comfortable with who I really am, and to invite friends and family to know the real me as well.

Your garden sounds like heaven.

Ah Duncan. I envy your ability to cry. When I was growing up I wasn’t allowed to cry. It was unreasonable. Everything wrong could be discussed, analyzed, sorted out. Then my mum went to therapy and found out that crying is good for you and the woman who insisted I not cry as a child harangued me about not crying as an adolescent. Dude what the fuck?! To this day I still can’t cry.

Three weeks ago, I escorted my favorite aunt on her final journey. I held her hand, stroked her hair, promised her she was almost home and stayed with her until she died. I kissed her hand good-bye and sobbed, but only for a moment. It felt good to cry, right, but I couldn’t keep it up. I pulled myself together, telling myself I’d cry later, in private. I haven’t.

I wish I’d allowed myself the chance to honor her with real feelings, and still hope that some day I may. Until then, cry your tears and let them wash away the hurt.

Peace

Thank you for everything you have shared and everything you continue to share with us. Your humanity and honesty is refreshing.

In my own journey, I came upon so many demons. I was constantly in a fight, thinking I could win back all that I had lost to them, if only I was strong enough. Through watching Sex Rehab I realized that I could never feel victorious or free by fighting them, but rather I had to accept and understand these events in my life. I didn’t expect my life to be changed in such a drastic way when I found the show. Now at least there is some light on my path. The world gets a little brighter every day.

Hey, sorry I missed it, but how did the big dog die? Very late to this one but I am so sorry you lost that big old goofball. He sounded like a real hoot! I’ve lost two very important dogs since learning to access & process emotions… definitely can relate to the crying in bed for a week thing.

Missy was a smelly Golden Retriever, so for days after she’d gone I would find myself laying face down on her favorite spots on the carpet just inhaling some of her left-behind doggy smell (the same oily funk that annoyed me while she was alive) and then exhaling in wails. Probably doesn’t get more pitiful than that… still, way better to engage with the sorrow than stuff it, right? :’/ Okay, I know you’re a very busy man, so I’ll answer that: Right!

and here I thought I was the only one…when I said I watched Rehab because of you, my friends said; what´s new – refering to my love for Rudolf Nureyev or Sebastian Flyte ,but I said; no no Duncan has a way of expressing himself; you listen when he speaks. He says the right things.
True intellect i a rare gift, but you have got it and it´s a wonderful thing in this “rather” superficial society. I so hope that you will stay in touch with your creative side so we can enjoy your different projects!

From my heart/ Anna

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