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Gay Love Rant

Closure

Some people don’t like being blogged.

I’ve pissed off many people writing this blog .  Joe, Clare and Xan are just a few I can remember being outraged by my representation.  Perhaps they’re right, perhaps I shouldn’t have written about them so publicly and kept a private journal instead.

Of course I’ve edited certain events so they do not include certain people, intimate encounters, lovers… like during my recent trip to NYC.

I’m probably a lesser man for doing this.

As time marches on and the drama of the present recedes into the past we are just left with the written word.  Those who were angry or felt betrayed in the moment for me having shared what I felt or experienced are no lesser friends now than they once were.

In time, when weapons have been laid to rest, or love affairs are truly over those of you who have been mentioned may look back at this blog and remind yourself of a different time, a different space and may think twice if it was indeed a bad idea to have a record of where we once were.

I have kept a journal since I was 19 years old.  There are many leather-bound diaries sitting in a box waiting for some imaginary biographer to decipher my illegible hand writing.   This is my journal now-for good or bad.   It’s no longer the validation I crave.  It is simply that I must.  Every day I write these words and I know that I am alive.  This blog keeps me alive. Sometimes it is all I feel I have.  The blog and the Little Dog.

As for closure, you know we are lucky when we get it.  Some, like Kristian’s friends are not so lucky.  I had a little much-needed relief today from the drama of the past few weeks.  I’m cramming the love genie back into the bottle and as the magic vanishes so I am left in my own skin.  Acknowledging the knowing looks from those who warned me to avoid him… but so glad I got to taste for just a few moments what I’d been craving for a decade.

Tonight I’m going to a party that has been thrown to celebrate the recently removed testes of a good friend.  Some people are having a very hard time right now.  It’s best that I think about them than my own miserable self obsession.

It’s sad when you can’t imagine kissing someone that you have kissed, that you can’t replay the words ‘I love you’ when that was all that ever needed to be said.

8 replies on “Closure”

I know the pain of blogging and it having consequences. People can’t accept how others see them and don’t take responsibility for their actions. I took responsibility for my words, but there is no forgiveness. As for being a good person you are a good person, you don’t have to try to be one. As Yoda says: Do or do not…there is no try.

I didn’t think I would post here. I hopped online briefly for the heck of it and was extra intrigued by the latest entry here titled closure. I dont know if it’s simply that one can’t accept how others see them. Its more complex than that. It may be that their comfort zone has been invaded. Their semi introverted and have been placed on a stage, their hurt and feel statements about them are misconstrued or incorrect or their in a good frame of mind and what has been shared about them has crushed their spirit. Just some theories. I can tell Duncan’s a good fella. Yet the right thing, ethical, moral, kind, good, what have you, isn’t always naturally automatic for us. Often we do have to put a concerted effort into it. Yet, I like Yoda’s words though – they seem to imply that it shouldn’t be so complicated. Why must we complicate it, over analyze it, etc? Just do or don’t do. Hmmm, let me analyze this more deeply….

I think that you are more human than most. If you choose to write about something in your life that you would like to share with others then it doesn’t really matter what others think. As long as you are comfortable and confident within it doesn’t matter what others say about you. You know who you are or aren’t. Your blog helps out more people than you will ever really know. For those of us who you do help/inspire/make laugh/make THINK, we greatly appreciate it.

Duncan,

You ARE a good man. You are a lovely work in progress. The genre may change but you are a work of — God’s and your — art. You’re like an always changing multi-media installation. Changing with all the wisdom you gain but always with an underlying honesty in the foundation of your soul.

The love you seek and think that you’ve lost is granted to us through friends and lovers from the greater LOVE and LIGHT that is always there for you. The LOVE that always whispers “I Love You” in the depths of your soul. That always tells you that you are enough. Please let yourself hear it.

That said, what do you think about your tweets being archived? Along with the rest of us who’ve been sending missives into the blue sky…. As for those who may have been/are offended by your posts, sometimes you are quite raw & mayhaps should consult your inner editor, but you are always as honest as you can be at the time. We are only human and apologies keep us balanced should we get ahead of ourselves. Be especially gentle with yourself and everyone else right now. Remember, not everything needs to be shared right at the moment.

Blessings,

Amanda

Hard to believe there are some people who just love you for being you , huh ?
hugs and kisses kindred soul.

Duncan,

I’m so sorry about your Kristian’s friends & your friend who has had surgery. Yet, please don’t castigate yourself about still feeling your heartache. We all experience emotions differently. Not good, bad or better or worse… just differently. You feel things very deeply. (Water sign. Hel’lo.) You don’t have to justify your feelings to yourself or anyone. Period. Emotion = energy in motion. You’re allowed to let it move through you. Like the energy of waves moving through the ocean. The ocean doesn’t move. The energy moves through it.

You caught yourself obsessing & decided to distract yourself by doing something positive. You could have chosen to stay home and brood. Do you get that you’re getting healthier? Do you give yourself props for taking more steps along the path of sobriety? *Metal Rabbit says “Good on you” to Duncan & asks him to line dance to “Boot Scootin’ Boogie”. 🙂 *

Meant to mention, that there is a saying which you’ve probably heard, that says that there are always 3 sides to every story. Perception is a tricky thing. Injury &/or offense taken — yours or theirs — may not have been intended by the other(s) on the other side of the interaction. As you said about finding everything that your friend said irritating because you were moody, at another time, you probably would have at least been interested or even entertained. Do you ever read or re-read your old posts or journals? You’ve come so very far. Kudos. *Metal Rabbit applauds, whistles & stomps (metaphorically) furry feet.*

And since you’ve been listening to the Doobie Brothers, I would like to recommend Michael McDonald’s album, “No Lookin’ Back” (1985) from the movie of the same name & in particular “Our Love” which is the theme song of the movie. Two broken people who find each other & help each other continue to heal. (The love that you felt… it’s just the beginning of the good stuff. Promise.) The whole CD will help clear the decks of pent up emotion. Then there’s also “Somewhere In Time” which is the soundtrack from the movie of the same name. When the cello is playing…. If you’re sad and you need a good healing cry or if you’re happy & just want to listen to some lovely music… well, enough said. Oh, and Peter Kater’s “Migration”.

As for the saying of Yoda, it’s very much like the 12 Steps isn’t it? Easy to say & hard to accomplish. Simplicity is the hardest thing for most people. It’s so much easier to complicate and perhaps, obfuscate. We can dither & dally and never take that one important step.

But you’ve taken that step. I don’t think that the Big Book ever said that it was a process with a finite end. We get healthier, less guilt-ridden, less ashamed. We become courageous & face ourselves and our fears & make amends. We can hold our heads up and look other people and the world in the eye.

We continue on the journey and if we have money for only two loaves of bread, we buy one loaf & some flowers, because we know that beauty feeds the soul & we need that food as much as physical sustenance. And you have an animal angel there in ‘Lil Dog to keep you company, and who will always let you know that you are loved and that you are a loving, kind man. A man who’s made mistakes. (And dammit, who hasn’t?) Who’s human. Who’s changing for the better.

The magic is not gone. It’s all around you and inside you. The human vessel that brought that knowing to you is now gone, but NOT the magic. Do you get that after 10 years, as you said, you got a gift? Because you were ready for it. Sober. Present. It’s just the beginning.

And remember, you did tell the universe in thought & song that you wanted someone who was “… somewhat sincere.” Maybe it’s time to change the soundtrack of your life… just a thought. You can appreciate Joni & Judy without asking the universe to serve up the lyrics like they were gospel. Visualize a better reality for yourself. Seriously, dude.

You are not doomed to living alone because of one “Bad Romance”. Maybe you’ve been listening to too much Lady GaGa. LOL You don’t have to go all hippy dippy, [Why did George Carlin’s hippy, dippy weatherman just trapse through my mind? Whoa! Head rush. 😉 ] or maybe you can just keep that to yourself for the moment. I did read that when you’re first visualizing prosperity, whatever that means to you in all areas of your life, that it’s wise to keep it to yourself for the nonce. It’s easy to get discouraged & distracted and there are people who are just rain clouds waiting to rain on someone’s parade. They probably think that they’re watering your growth. Instead of which, they make you sodden, sad & feeling stupid for even trying.

Grin like a Cheshire cat & keep ’em guessing. After all, a little mystery is intriguing. There IS a difference between sick secrets and personal psychic space. You’re entitled to some personal, private & confidential psychic space.

Blessings,

Amanda

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