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Gay Love

It’s Over..

I had a great day today.  Started writing my script, the one that I intend to shoot this winter.  I am working with my deliciously talented co-writer GT.  This afternoon we sat for four hours  hammering out the big idea.  She is  wonderful, inspired and inspiring who generously and perfectly compliments the way I work.

It’s odd to be feeling so upbeat because this afternoon whilst I was out shopping with Jennie I ended my relationship with my NYC boy.

My relationship is over.   The past four months have been very emotional but actually so well worth the risk.  To fall in love and be loved.   To make love.  To risk saying I love you to another man..these are the gifts of sobriety.  We had, against the odds, a great deal of fun.  Not enough really but fun wasn’t the point.

He was so fragile and distraught when I met him.  In the short time I knew him he experienced momentous changes.  I was so blessed to have been given the time we spent together, to witness his bravery.   To see him tear down his old life and build another in the ruins.

It was wonderful, when we had the few chances we had, to lay in each other’s arms.  I loved every inch of his perfect body.  Even as he wept-and we did a great deal of crying-he was beautiful.  It was a beautiful and tender time.

I can tell you with my usual disarming candor-the best sex I ever had.

What, you may be asking did you end it for?  If I didn’t let him go I would have stolen something that he needed more than me-the chance to form a relationship with a man more his own age, a man who could fully give him what he needed and that man wasn’t going to be me.

To exit a relationship with grace and dignity is perhaps the hardest thing of all.  I needed with love to let this man go on his way.  Everything I ever let go of had cl;aw marks all over it..

In spite of the external problems we had a perfect chemistry.   Intellectually we were perfectly well matched, when we weren’t crying we laughed a great deal.  So, why the hell end this?  Why?  Couldn’t I have moved to NYC?  Couldn’t he have moved to LA?

I’m afraid that it all boiled down to one thing, and one thing only: my being sober.

When I met him I set aside my doubts.  I may not have trusted him to stay monogamous, something I’m afraid that the gays don’t do very well (please, dear readers, don’t give me a hard time for this accurate generalization) I forgave his constant references to his past relationship, his crippling guilt, his disapproving mother.  I chose to rationalize that I was in a relationship with a man who insisted that I was not allowed to call our relationship a RELATIONSHIP.   I loved a man who loved me but we were not allowed to call each other lovers.  We lived in the shadow of the wreckage of his past and it was slowly suffocating me.

I feel as if I have been living in somebody else’s closet.

To keep him I needed to change.  I became genius at having no expectations.  I was not genius at being patient so my patience very quickly ran out.  I overlooked the drinking and the pornography, the flirtations and half stories undermining my confidence in him.  I ignored that he kept me secret.  I could even overlook his occasional weed smoking. But late last night, after a hard time in the city. He drove home drunk.

He drove for one hour out of NYC DRUNK.

I was forced to admit the most profound difference between us: he continues to pickle his feelings with alcohol, drugs and sex.

When he drinks his personality changes and he makes appalling choices.

That, my friends, is the curse of every addict.

Driving home drunk is simply unforgivable to me, a recovering alcoholic.  Even if it were ‘just once’ it was once too often and by doing so he recklessly risked his own life and the lives of others. Within a matter of moments my desire for him crumbled.  Let’s face it, for the past few nights when we chatted on Skype he had been drunk, drunk or high or both.   It just made me feel very uncomfortable.

I really  loved my beautiful boy but I didn’t love his drinking.  I let this man into my life and by so doing put myself at risk of relapse.

Dinner with a stranger then driving home drunk.

Does this sound like a man who has any respect for himself?  How am I expected to respect a man who risks his own life by drinking and driving?   I can’t do this.  I didn’t get sober for this.

The neighbors are fighting again.  They may fight but they are in the same room.  They have a chance of making it work.  The cowardly end to this was to wait for time to pass, wait for our relationship to die of natural causes.

Tonight I am free to write my blog without censorship-without having to be obtuse.  I know that he is relieved, that tonight he will sleep better in his own skin.   I fear for him, I really do.  That he will sink into a world of gym hook ups, drinking and drugs and by doing so he will become just like every despicable gay we used to laugh about.

We are no longer lovers but we remain friends and I will help him as much as I can.

I even secretly entertain the idea of going to Europe with him one day.  If he pays for his own ticket.

9 replies on “It’s Over..”

Wow that’s great news!! I love it when I stay friends with an ex… after all there was a reason that you get together in the first place (apart from just the carnal instinct… well on most occasions…)! Devoid of sounding condescending… well done mate!!! There is nothing worse than letting a relationship rip apart and you along with it…! Fond memories; along with the fond throughs of the time that you shared together is a great and very graceful exit. Why break up on a terrible note and leave the time you had together bitter…(what an awful way to wast time…) when you can leave with strength and dignity and sound of mind that this time was not wasted. We all love many people but this does not mean that they are right for us (cliché I know but rather a good one with retrospect. Alas; a heart never breaks evenly but with time and support it does heal and with each repair it gets stronger. Sometimes disappearing within dark avenues gives you the kick up the arse to sort out what is wrong in your life and make it better… its where we have all chartered but then you stop and realise… is this it…! After all isn’t this exactly what you have done? Next time you fall… make sure that they have fallen in the past many times… you deserve a wee bit’o’fun and many silly giggles…!!! 🙂

Good luck with the writing and I hope this has set you with a speed to feel energized with many positive ideas (Though I must admit some of my darkest work either with painting or film; comes out when I am feeling most positive… go figure…)? Good energy grows and I look forward to seeing what comes from your wee creative mind over the next couple of years… (And I must check out what has come out of it previously too…) Good to see you in an elevated strong frame of mind. XX SJG

It’s a brave thing to let a loved one go. You made a difficult choice, but a healthy one. May you find happiness in your work, love in your friendships and peace in your lovelife.

You were right. Loving yourself enough to know when you need to do something painful and actually moving forward, is the biggest gift you can give yourself. There will be a person for you. The right person.

Duncan, congrats on making a difficult choice, knowing and admitting the truth and realising that you are the important one.I am feeling that you are truly opening the door to something more perfect both in your professional and personal life, you watch, this choice to do the right thing will be rewarded.
You are focusing your energy on a worthwhile project and I wish you great success.

“Everything I ever let go of had claw marks all over it” anyone who can write THAT can write!.

Duncan,

I’m not gay and I’m not going to bash you for making the comments about gays and monogamy…but I would like to state that I know gay couples who have been together for over 20 yrs and never strayed…sometimes we cloud our beliefs with our own experiences..if you’ve cheated or been cheated on numerous times…one might overgeneralize…for example, on an issue separate from cheating…adolescents or pre-adolescents who believe a majority of others are using drugs or alcohol..are more likely to drink or use drugs….
Another thing to consider could also be settings of where people meet. If people meet others at club scene or online dating site…the experiences of cheating may actually not be generalized to all gays..just “perhaps” a small subsection of the gay population…

Duncan,

You’re writing! Good on you! Bravo! It’s great that you’ve found such a great creative partner. Have you worked together before?

I’m sorry that you had to end it but you were right to do so. I’m glad that you realized that you WERE living in someone else’s closet and chose to walk out. I’m so very glad that you were able to do it with kindness and compassion. I’m very grateful that you were protected in your sobriety. Please know that your Darling NYC now has a role model and a mentor in you and whether you are in a relationship or not, he has the inspiration of seeing someone walk their talk.

Everyone who’s young thinks they’re immortal. It’s part of the process of growing up. The bad things always happen to someone else, until…. I will pray that the angels uphold him and everyone else in his path until he comes to his senses — in every meaning of the phrase.

I’m sorry that you’ve had a heartache. *Hearing Doobie Brothers “Ain’t Nothing But A Heartache” playing.* I hope that you’ll have deep, deep restful sleep.

Blessings,

Amanda

Duncan,

I agree with Heather about negative expectations being created according to the role models that one is exposed to in one’s social circle or in the media but that positive role models exist. I can only hope that maybe “The Advocate” or another publication &/or media outlet does a series of profiles of GLBT couples who have longevity in their relationships. Maybe it could be you? You write and you direct film. Maybe a documentary?

Blessings,

Amanda

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