Gay Rant

Kristian Digby’s Funeral

I really need to update this post as so many people read it. 

Sadly, after the disgraceful way Kristian was buried (please see below) with friends and family excluded from the church by Kristian’s mother Paula Dubois I receive word that this woman continues her shameful and destructive antics. 

Stephen, Kristian’s long time partner, very kindly organised a memorial for us all at Southwark Cathedral but was forced by Kristian’s mother to cancel the event.  

Paula drove from Devon, stormed into Southwark Cathedral and threatened to disrupt the Memorial Service to be held for hundreds of Kristian’s friends and Family. 

I know that Kristian would have been appalled and saddened that this has happened.   I am confused as to why Paula continues to behave like this toward the friends of her  sweet heart son who in death surely deserves her love and not her bile.

Paula, when she is not in Devon, lives in the house Kristian built with Stephen in East London.   The house she is now trying to steal entirely for herself.

Paula Dubois is not a well woman.  A diagnosed personality disorder.  Alienated from most of her family. Fighting tooth and nail to keep Stephen from keeping his half of the property that he owned with Kristian.  

This woman will not keep any of Kristian’s friends from remembering him, loving him and wishing Stephen well at this difficult time.

THE ORIGINAL POST March 22nd 2010

Kristian Digby‘s funeral will take place tomorrow in Torquay Devon at Midday.

A great friend of Kristian’s let me know this morning that Kristian’s ex-boyfriend Stephen has been told to stay away from the funeral by Kristian’s parents.  In the end he missed the service and stood at a respectful distance at the burial.

I am saddened by their decision.

Both his Mother and Father, who he worked so tirelessly to include in his adult life, cut him out of theirs when he came out to them as a young gay man.

In his own words to me and others: Their betrayal scarred him irrevocably.

I loathe that the man who loved him and shared his life might not be at the funeral.  It’s like a scene from a bad gay movie.  I wouldn’t even think it was true unless I had heard it from a reputable source.

Gay men depend upon their parents, first and foremost, when they come out.  When we speak the truth we need to heard, respected and loved.  Whilst I understand that nothing can prepare a parent for the news, one would think that it should not be a ‘shock’ to the enlightened.

When gay men reveal themselves at what ever age it is a humbling experience but it needn’t be a negative one.

I encourage my closeted friends to let their family know the truth in the most joyful way possible.  Our lives as gay men and women are extraordinary and should be viewed so by our loved ones.  We should live without fear of judgement, without fear of rejection and it is up to our friends and family to make sure that our second birth as gay men and women is made as comfortable as possible.

I am perfectly sure that Kristian’s parents, like many parents, wanted what they saw as a normal life for their son: marriage to a woman, children and the ease that they perceive being straight affords them.

We who are ‘out’ have chosen to tell the truth, even though we continue to be excluded from the most basic and fundamental human rights-marriage, equality, and even the right to attend our loved ones funerals.

Our lives are so often blighted with lies,  forced to lie to those who love us most for fear of rejection.  Encouraged to lie by our own government so we can serve our country unencumbered and remain in the shadows.  Never underestimate the lengths some gay men will go to hide their true nature.   We must always understand that living a lie is never easy.   It is like living in perpetual darkness.

All too often young, devoutly religious gay men, crippled by shame, take their own lives rather than reveal who they are.  Suicide, an option my friend’s parents offered him when he came out.  Religious bigotry continues to be responsible for the deaths of so many of us-mostly by our own hand.  After all, why bother killing the gays like they do in Iran when you can get self hating Christian homosexuals to kill themselves?

So, my gay brothers and sisters, be resolute and fearless and joyful when you tell your family who you are.  Be swift and sure.  Be kind and considerate to those who are disappointed but have no truck with those who seek to rain on your parade.

Remember that you have a legion of us who support you and love you and want the very best for your gay lives.

Kristian paid a huge price for telling the truth to his parents.

Unsurprisingly I bludgeoned mine and gave them no recourse for negativity.  Indeed I was thrilled at the prospect of becoming the next generation of a remarkable tribe of men and women who have shaped the modern world, from Alexander the Great to Elton John, through Carravaggio and Alan Turing.

28 March 2010


More facts emerging from the Kristian Digby funeral fiasco.  Kristian’s mad mother apparently very dismissive about KD at funeral to his visibly upset father.  Friends and some family members and work colleagues unable to attend the funeral-asked to stay away.   Real friends got together at tree in Torquay and buried box of memories.  One friend reporting that Kristian’s coffin was dragged into church rather than carried respectfully.    I will repeat my earlier assertions:  Kristian’s mother Paula Dubois is an insensitive hag who ruined great portions of her son’s life.  The truth will out.

Kristian’s Facebook page was almost immediately deleted and his name changed to John Smith. I recently found all of his many emails to me and hand written notes and the photographs of us when we were briefly together.

After my stint on TV here in the USA he wrote:

“I think your one of life great creations thats brings much-needed colour to the world – I am cynical about media but not you.”

48 replies on “Kristian Digby’s Funeral”

wow…is that ever and acceptance is the only answer..someday perhaps this is what will be…

This is dreadful but often typical of how families deal with grief and loss whether in life like how we expect our children should behave or be and in their death. It is many months past now but I miss Kristian beaming out at me in the mornings. He saw me thru ghastly health problems, the death of my Mum and beautiful Boxer boy dog, Francis.
I am sure you are still the professional showman in heaven, God bless, Kristian andn thank you.


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Famous gay lesbian and bisexual people This is a partial list of confirmed and debated famous gay, lesbian or bisexual people (lesbigay for short). The historical concept and definition of sexual orientation has changed greatly over time—in fact, the word “gay” wasn’t used to describe sexual orientation until the late 20th century. See homosexuality for more about the primary (and by far the most controversial) distinguishing characteristic of GLBs.
Some historical figures on this list wouldn’t be considered lesbigay by today’s standards, but they are included here because they were known to have had same-gender relationships. But even by today’s standards, a relationship or two doesn’t necessarily mean one is bisexual. Many people who identify as gay or lesbian have had different-gender relationships in their youth, and many who identify as heterosexual have experimented with same-sex relationships. Due to social norms that have remained consistent throughout history, little information about such matters when discussing historical figures is available; therefore, one can only make educated guesses based on limited evidence.

It is important to note that the sexual orientation of famous individuals is often fodder for tabloid press. As such, the sexual preference of famous individuals is often subject to rumor simply because of a tabloid article. Some stars, especially those about whom rumors most often circulate, wish to maintain a public image of heterosexuality—believing that assertions to the contrary would negatively affect their profitability—and are vigorous in their legal pursuit of those who would question their heterosexuality. An excellent example of this is actor Tom Cruise, who has been involved in at least three such lawsuits. In 1998, he successfully sued a British tabloid that alleged that his marriage to Nicole Kidman was a sham designed to cover up his homosexuality. He obtained a default judgment against a gay porn actor (Chad Slater, aka “Kyle Bradford”) who had given an interview to a tabloid newspaper in which he claimed he had a sexual relationship with Tom Cruise, and he sued Michael Davis, a magazine publisher, who alleged that he had photographs that would prove Tom Cruise was homosexual: this suit was dropped in exchange for a public statement by Davis that Tom Cruise was heterosexual. Because of the threat of litigation, it is considered prudent not to assert the homosexuality or bisexuality of a celebrity unless the celebrity has personally publicly asserted it. Some gay groups (e.g., Outrage!), have followed a policy of outing public figures regularly for political purposes, usually only if that person is publicly anti-gay. However, such a policy is generally condemned within the lesbian and gay community as an infringement on a person’s right to privacy, because of concerns about their family, their right to cope with their own sexuality on their own terms, or the risk of discrimination or loss of reputation.

Note that several of the people on this list were prosecuted for their behavior under existing “sodomy laws”.

Wikipedians: Edit this list with caution, because misidentifying the sexual identity of living individuals can lead to a charge of libel. It has not been tested whether Wikipedia’s sponsor, Bomis, is liable for libel in the Wikipedia. Furthermore, categorization of historical figures no longer alive to define their own sexual orientation often leads to pointless debate. Recognize that just as adding non-gay people to this list would be wrong, removing gay people from this list is also wrong. You should justify additions or removals on the list’s talk page: providing written sources would be best. The most convincing evidence about living persons would be a self-description by that individual.

And keep in mind the skepticism of that great actress Tallulah Bankhead, who, when asked whether a certain distinguished British actor was gay, responded, “I don’t know, darling. He’s never sucked my dick!”

Persons of confirmed lesbigay sexual orientation
The following list includes those people who have confirmed their lesbian, gay or bisexual orientation or whose lesbian, gay, or bisexual orientation is not debated.

Roberta Achtenberg, US Politician
Edward Albee, American Playwright (Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?)
Alexander the Great
Pedro Almodovar Spanish director, Oscar winner
Chad Allen, American actor
Ted Allen, food and wine guru on Queer Eye
Jerzy Andrzejewski, Polish writer
Steve Antin, American actor
Gregg Araki, director of Doom Generation and The Living End
Reinaldo Arenas, Cuban poet, author of “Before Night Falls” (“Antes que anochezca”)
Joan Armatrading, singer-songwriter
John Ashbery, American poet
Othniel Askew, American assassin
W. H. Auden, British poet
Kevin Aviance, dance music singer

James Baldwin, American author
Alan Ball, writer (American Beauty, “Six Feet Under”)
Samuel Barber, U.S. composer
Clive Barker, Author, director, artist, known primarily for his work in the horror genre
Michael Barrymore, British comedian
Drew Barrymore, actress, bisexual
Roland Barthes, French literary theorist
Katharine Lee Bates, writer of “America the Beautiful” [1]
Billy Bean, former major league baseball player
Amanda Bearse, American actor (“Married…with Children”), director
Alison Bechdel, American cartoonist (Dykes to Watch Out For)
Sandra Bernhard, American comedian, singer, author and actor
Leonard Bernstein, U.S. composer and conductor
Ole von Beust, mayor of Hamburg
James Bidgood, US photographer and filmmaker (Pink Narcissus)
Mark Bingham, United Airlines flight 93 passenger, victim of the September 11, 2001 attacks
Elizabeth Birch, former head of Human Rights Campaign, longtime partner of Hillary Rosen (see below)
Ross Bleckner, American artist
Marc Blitzstein, American theater composer
Chastity Bono, American activist, lesbian, daughter of Cher and Sonny Bono
Michel Marc Bouchard, Canadian playwright (Les feluettes)
Jane Bowles, American author, married to Paul Bowles
Paul Bowles, American expatriate author and once composer, married to Jane Bowles
Karin Boye, Swedish poet and novelist
Ben Bradshaw, English politician
Scott Brison, Canadian member of Parliament
Benjamin Britten, English composer
Lady Bunny, drag performer
William S. Burroughs, American Beat author (Naked Lunch, Junky)
Judith Butler
John Cage, highly influential American composer of aleatoric music and partner of Merce Cunningham
Andrew Calimach, American author of Romanian extraction
Truman Capote, American author
Edward Carpenter, poet
Giacomo Casanova, seducer
Roger Casement, Irish patriot
Jose-Javier Castro, Peruvian artist, thinker, poet, composer of post-rock and experimental music, air crash survivor, member of ATA revolutionary group
Luis Cernuda, Spanish playwright
Graham Chapman, British comedian
Richard Chamberlain, American actor
Margaret Cho, American comedian
Montgomery Clift, American actor
Kate Clinton, American comedian
Jean Cocteau, French director and artist, lover of Jean Marais
Jeffrey Collman, American Airlines flight 11 flight attendant, victim of the September 11, 2001 attacks
Aaron Copland, American composer, documented in Howard Pollack’s biography, Aaron Copland: The Life and Work of an Uncommon Man
Henry Cowell, highly influential American composer
Rene Crevel, french surrealist author
Quentin Crisp, British actor, author, and wit
Aleister Crowley, Occultist
Alan Cumming, Scottish actor
Andrew Cunanan, American spree killer, murdered Gianni Versace
Merce Cunningham, choreographer and partner of John Cage
Jeffrey Dahmer, American serial killer
Libby Davies, Canadian member of parliament
Jeanine Deckers, Belgian nun and singer-songwriter
Ellen DeGeneres, writer, comedian and actor
Divine, actor (in many of John Waters’ films}
Dreuxilla Divine, transvestite
Bertrand Delanoë, mayor of Paris
Samuel Delany, science fiction author
Lea DeLaria, American comedian, jazz singer, author
Marlene Dietrich, actress, bisexual
Ani DiFranco, American folk singer, bisexual
Roman Dmowski, Polish politician, black mailed by Tsars police Ochrana
Candas Dorsey, Canadian science fiction author
Kyan Douglas, grooming guru on Queer Eye
Diane Duane, author, bisexual
Marcel Duchamp, artist, inventor of the found object

Edward II, king of England
Hilton Edwards, actor, co-founder of Dublin’s Gate Theatre, partner of Micheál MacLiammoir
Ruth Ellis, lesbian matriarch and only known African-American centenarian lesbian
Melissa Etheridge, American singer, lesbian, musician, composer
Kenny Everett, British DJ and comic
Rupert Everett, British actor, gay
Rainer Werner Fassbinder, German movie director
Harvey Fierstein, American actor, playwright (Torch Song Trilogy)
Thom Filicia, home design guru on Queer Eye
E. M. Forster, British author
Pim Fortuyn, conservative Dutch politician
Michel Foucault, French scholar
Samantha Fox, British model and one time pop singer
Barney Frank (D, MA), US Representative
Stephen Fry, British actor, comedian, and novelist

Greta Garbo, actress
Federico García Lorca, Spanish poet and playwright, martyred in the Spanish Civil War
Jonas Gardell, Swedish artist and “riksbög”.
David Geffen, music producer and record executive, gay
Jean Genet, French writer
Chrissy Gephardt, daughter of 2004 presidential candidate Dick Gephardt
Boy George, British musician
Prince George, Duke of Kent, British royal (uncle of Queen Elizabeth II)
Andre Gide, French novelist and Nobel Laureate
Candace Gingrich, activist, half-sister of former U.S. Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich
Allen Ginsberg, Beat poet (“Howl”)
Sir Alec Guinness, bisexual actor who was arrested while cottaging in 1948
Gorgidas, Theban military leader of the Sacred band of elite troops of paired gay lovers.
Juan Goytisolo, Spanish writer
Judy Grahn, American poet
Gustav Gründgens, German actor and stage director
Gustav V of Sweden
Rob Halford, British singer (Judas Priest)
Radclyffe Hall, British lesbian, author of “The Well of Loneliness”
Marc Hall, Canadian student and activist
Vincent Hanley, Irish radio DJ who died of an AIDS-related illness
G. H. Hardy, British mathematician
Lou Harrison, American composer
Richard Hatch, Survivor winner
Nigel Hawthorne, British actor
Harry Hay, American gay rights activist, founder of the Mattachine Society
Carl Hayden
Todd Haynes, director
Anne Heche, American actress, bisexual
Sighsten Herrgård, designer, trendsetter. Became the face of AIDS in Sweden.
Alan Hollinghurst, British author (The Swimming Pool Library)
A. E. Housman, English poet
Rock Hudson, American actor
Alexander von Humboldt, German naturalist and explorer
Jerry Hunt, American composer from Texas
Janis Ian, American Singer/songwriter
Christopher Isherwood, British novelist
Tony Jackson, American pianist and composer
Max Jacob, poet
James I of England [2]
Joan Jett, musician
Elton John, British singer, musician, composer
Jasper Johns, artist
Philip Johnson, American architect
Angelina Jolie, American actress, bisexual
Janis Joplin, American singer
Mychal F. Judge, Franciscan priest, WTC terrorism victim
Pope Julius II
John Maynard Keynes, British economist, winner of the Nobel Prize for Economics
Billie Jean King, tennis player
The Hon. Justice Michael Kirby, Justice of the High Court of Australia
James Kirkwood, American playwright (A Chorus Line)
Steve Kmetko, U.S. entertainment journalist
David Kopay, American football player, outed self in autobiography
Ronnie Kray, One half of the Kray twins
Carson Kressley, style guru on Queer Eye

Nathan Lane, American actor and singer
k.d. lang, Canadian country and blues singer, musician, lesbian
Leonardo da Vinci, Italian Renaissance artist
Hedda Lettuce, drag performer
Mark Levengod, Swedish TV host
Jose Lezama Lima, Cuban poet
Liberace, American musician
Little Richard, American singer and musician, bisexual, has also denounced homo and bisexuality
Kristanna Loken, actress, model, bisexual
Audre Lorde, poet, author
Lance Loud, gay son on reality television show An American Family
Greg Louganis, U.S Olympic high-diver
Ann-Marie MacDonald, Canadian author and playwright
Ashley MacIsaac, Canadian fiddler from Cape Breton
Micheál MacLiammoir actor and co-founder of Dublin’s Gate Theatre
Irshad Manji, Canadian journalist, author, and “Muslim Refusenik”.
Thomas Mann, German author
Robert Mapplethorpe, American artist, photographer
Jean Marais, French actor, lover of Jean Cocteau
Christopher Marlowe, Elizabethan playwright
Johnny Mathis, Singer
Armistead Maupin, American writer (Tales of the City)
Ian McKellen, British actor (X-Men, The Lord of the Rings), gay
Réal Ménard, Canadian member of parliament
Gian Carlo Menotti, U.S. composer
Freddie Mercury, British musician (Queen)
George Michael, British singer (Wham)
Tammy Lynn Michaels, U.S. actress, partner of Melissa Etheridge
Michelangelo Buonarroti, Italian Renaissance artist
Harvey Milk, American politician
Sal Mineo, American actor
Frank McGuinness, Irish playwright
Yukio Mishima, Japanese author
Cherrie Moraga, author on lesbian Hispanic themes
Richard Morel, singer, music producer
Steven Morrissey, British singer (The Smiths)
Glen Murray, mayor of Winnipeg, Manitoba
David Norris, Irish senator, James Joyce scholar [3]
Martina Navratilova, tennis champion, lesbian
Me’shell N’Degeocello, singer and guitarist
Vaslav Nijinsky, ballet dancer
Graham Norton, Irish actor, UK chat show host
Rudolf Nureyev, ballet dancer
Rosie O’Donnell, American comedian, lesbian
Eoin O’Duffy, Irish police commissioner, leader of the ‘Blueshirts’ and aide to Michael Collins
Sinead O’Connor, singer, bisexual
Pauline Oliveros, composer
Joe Orton, playwright
Brian Paddick, UK Police Commander and nephew of Hugh Paddick
Hugh Paddick, British actor
Paetz, Arcibishop of Poznan
Camille Paglia, American author and social critic, bisexual
Pier Paolo Pasolini, Italian director and writer
Harry Partch, American composer and just intonation instrument inventor
Peter Pears, English singer
Patrick Pearse, Irish patriot and leader of the 1916 Easter Rising, whose poetry is littered with homoerotic imagery
Pink rap singer, bisexual
Danny Pintauro, American actor (“Who’s the Boss?”)
Paula Poundstone, comedian
Michael Portillo, former UK Defence Secretary and defeated leadership candidate
Francis Poulenc, French composer
Queen Pen, bisexual rap singer
Qaboos ibn Sa’id Al Sa’id, Sultan of Oman
Robert Rauschenberg, American artist
Rio Reiser, German musician (“Ton Steine Scherben”), bisexual
Christopher Rice, American author (son of Anne Rice)
Adrienne Rich, American poet and critic
Herb Ritts, American fashion photographer
Ian Roberts, Australian Rugby League player
Gene Robinson, American Episcopal bishop of New Hampshire
Svend Robinson, Canadian member of parliament
Tom Robinson, British rock musician
Jai Rodriguez, grooming guru on Queer Eye
Ernst Roehm, leader of the Nazi SA
Eleanor Roosevelt First Lady
Hilary Rosen, former CEO of the RIAA, longtime partner of Elizabeth Birch (see above)
Jane Rule, Canadian author
RuPaul, AKA RuPaul Andre Charles, American drag queen
Bayard Rustin, civil rights activist, organizer of the 1963 March on Washington, introduced Martin Luther King Jr. to the writings of Mahatma Gandhi and non-violence, fired for being gay

Marquis De Sade, 18th century author and philosopher
Jason Saffer, AKA Jolene Sugarbaker, drag performer and comedian
Dick Sargent, American actor, second Darrin on ‘Bewitched’
Dan Savage, American columnist
David Sedaris, American essayist and radio personality
Shyam Selvadurai, Canadian novelist (Funny Boy)
Fred Schneider, lead singer of the B-52s
Matthew Shepard, hate crime victim, violently murdered in Wyoming, subject of Emmy winning films The Laramie Project and The Matthew Shepard Story
Michelangelo Signorile, columnist, advocate, and pundit
Bessie Smith, American blues singer
Chris Smith, UK Politician
George Smitherman, Canadian politician (Ontario cabinet minister) [4]
Solon, Greek statesman
Jimmy Somerville, singer (Bronski Beat, The Communards)
Dusty Springfield, singer
Gertrude Stein, American expatriate author, partner of Alice B. Toklas
Michael Stipe, American singer (R.E.M.), film producer
Billy Strayhorn, jazz composer, lyricist, arranger, and pianist (Duke Ellington Orchestra)
Sylvester, American singer
Gerry Studds, US politician
Lucius Cornelius Sulla
Andrew Sullivan, conservative journalist
Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky, Russian composer
Neil Tennant, British musician (Pet Shop Boys)
Scott Thompson, Canadian comedian and actor (Kids in the Hall)
Virgil Thomson, American theater composer and music critic
Alice B. Toklas, partner of Gertrude Stein, known for her cookbook which contains Brion Gysin’s hashish brownies (marijuana)
Sandi Toksvig
Lily Tomlin, American comedian, actress, lesbian
Pussy Tourette, drag performer and singer
Pete Townshend, guitarist of The Who, admitted bisexual
Michel Tremblay, Canadian writer
Esera Tuaolo, former NFL player
Alan Turing, British mathematician, computer scientist and theorist
Colin Turnbull, British anthropologist, later American citizen, Buddhist
Gianni Versace, Italian fashion designer
Gore Vidal, American writer
Tom Waddell, American sports
Horace Walpole, 4th Earl of Orford
Andy Warhol, American artist and pop icon
John Waters, American film director (Pink Flamingos)
James Whale, American film director
Diane Whipple, victim in the Presa Canario dog mauling trial
Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright and bon vivant
Kenneth Williams, British actor and diarist
Tennessee Williams, American playwright
Walt Whitman, American poet (Leaves of Grass)
Johann Joachim Winckelmann, German classical archaeologist and art historian
Virginia Woolf, British author
Klaus Wowereit, mayor of Berlin
Will Young, British “UK Pop Idol” winner
Felix Yussupov, Russian prince
Pedro Zamora, Cuban-American AIDS

Ugly, ugly, ugly. Grieving is complex in the first place without adding excruciating details like this.

My version, in 2000, was losing my partner to suicide and attending the funeral where, at his family’s request, his ex-wife served as widow and the 2-y/o divorce was never mentioned. (He was out to his wife, but few others who knew him during the 22-year marriage.)

Straight Americans need… an education of the heart and soul. They must understand – to begin with – how it can feel to spend years denying your own deepest truths, to sit silently through classes, meals, and church services while people you love toss off remarks that brutalize your soul. ~Bruce Bawer, The Advocate, 28 April 1998

Hi Duncan

This is very sad news, it is I am afraid though something I have expected to hear.

My interaction was always too limited with Kristian, living so far away how could it not be. Never a close friend, maybe never really a friend. Electronic mediums, distance not the physical presence that brings true intimacy and closeness. Still his passing has impacted me more than any other, family, friend, acquaintance that I have known.

It struck me as so immensely sad. A life lived with dignity, strength, conviction. The never failing generosity to others, what was going on in that mind we all loved? Was there anything that could of been done?

When Kristian came out his parents sadly felt that he was doing something that would ruin his life. Now given the possible situation of his passing (known to all from the hideously inappropriate leak to media from Police.) His parents now no doubt have affirmation that his sexuality and those he explored it with are to blame in their eyes.

I dont think them wrong for being angry at their loss and needing to blame something, to lose someone as special as Kristian must be unbearable. Sadly though his friends – often a surrogate family for gay men will be going through a loss no less deep.

As you say Duncan – I thought the excluded friend/lover was a plot line in a movie.

Kristian always knew that our sexuality could be challenging for others and to treat this with respect and dignity, according those people a respect often not shown to us. It is sad that at this time he is perhaps not being given the same.

I know it sounds melodramatic but I would do anything to change whatever happened. Someone who gave so much and who I know for a fact stopped young men harming themselves, referring them to assistance, providing his own personal strength deserves so much better than this.

A prying and at times spiteful media, a family torn by grief and maybe shame closing ranks. Friends and lovers excluded from grieving with dignity. How could something as wonderful and dignified as Kristian become this?

I will forever remember the wonderful kind man, the one that made time for so many. It would be wonderful if this situation did not exist, and if we could all continue to experience a life I would have liked to see be much longer.

Finally, I think it’s important to reiterate something Kristian always felt. We do not choose our sexuality, it is something which is part of us. No one would choose the pain and torment we often go through.

Parents sometimes get an inkling of their childs orientation, their reaction through fear and ignorance is to make sure that being gay is known to be bad. How can creating fear, isolation and removing love be good for anyone? My view is that the behaviour of gay men and their issues often come from this, to be abandoned emotionally as a child is a big cross to bear. It will not change your childs sexuality but it will damage them.

That’s sad.

I have no doubt that wherever we go when we pass on, it’s a good place. Beyond that, I have no idea what lays beyond. I do know that no one has got it right.

So, when our time comes, we’ll all get to say “don’t you feel like a right bunch of nitwits” to each other.

Regardless, your friend is in my thoughts. I wish you well.

Even at my age and stage I continue to be shocked at such cruelty. Hugs to you Duncan, and my prayers are with your friend.


I am at a loss for words. How to express my sorrow for the death of your friend, Kristian, and for the pain that you are in. How to express my outrage, that his family would not let the man who had loved him, come to his funeral, to mourn for his loss and to be comforted by those others who loved him and whom he loved. I believe that in time, they will regret this selfish, brutal act. I’m sure that Kristian’s friends will rally round his lover tomorrow and sustain him in his grief.

I don’t know if the manner of his death has any bearing on the anger that his parents feel. The media has sensationalized the deaths of several, gay and straight, young (playing the choking game) and old, David Carradine, being the latest until your poor friend, who have lost themselves to this stupid, heedless act that affirms the darkness, and is done in such isolation. Like any addiction, I can only think that in that fatal moment, he listened to the demons that he seemed for the most part to keep at bay. I believe he is at peace now and his wish would be that no one else be lost to this obsession that is so addictive. Rather that they reach out in their need and loneliness to another human being. And treat them gently, and with respect.

I am glad that you, and 10021, included lists of so many famous, talented and powerful men and women, who were and are gay. As you said, until the contributions and the problems of the GLBT community are recognized and seen as the same contributions and problems that are made and experienced by us all, there will be no integration and no true understanding. We are not different; it is only a warped perspective of religion and what it means to be a human being, that makes it seem so.

I truly believe that we are in the birth pangs of a new better world. It’s just that this world and many people in it are going through a healing crisis — as if we had a high fever that has left us debilitated and deranged, which is in the process of breaking — so we can recover and heal. That’s why we have to be so gentle with ourselves and must reach out to our friends and loved ones for help, or to offer a helping hand. We must not delude ourselves into thinking that we are alone. Even in the darkest night, we are never alone. But we have to ask. Any pride that gets in the way of asking for help is false pride and we are well rid of it.

According to the World Clock, 12 p.m., tomorrow, London time will be 5 a.m. in Los Angeles and 8 a.m. in New York. Perhaps, we can all wake up a little early if necessary and pray for Kristian, his lover and each other at that time? Please be gentle to yourself tomorrow, Duncan.



I really am lost for words… I am shocked saddened and rather angry at this decision by Kristian’s family… Obviously their profound grief is affecting there decision making and this may be making them not think rationally?? It seems so very harsh and it doesn’t celebrate or show respect to the life of their son!! Why would they be so selfish and disregard who their talented and precious son is by undertaking something so cold and not accepting to what his life represented, they are not gong to change who he was now and therefore should embrace the person who he loved for so long…! I feel for Stephen and hope that he is strong in the knowing of what they had and that this will never change.

I am in dismay at this decision and saddened that they have not thought this through. It’s a shame that they could not find the strength to be so very proud of someone who was rightly very proud.

Losing someone you love is heart-wrenching, and it is inexcusable that anyone who cared for Kristian, should be ‘persona non grata’ at his funeral. The last chance you have to pay your respects, say goodbye, and possibly mourne and find some closure should welcome anyu and all people who’s lives were touched by him.

However, although I don’t condone the behaviour of the parents, to say ‘Just accept me…regardless, may be too cavalier. These people have invested 20 years + of their livse, emotionally, financially, and have dreamed wonderful things that they hope for their child, from a time before the child was even born. Many parents sacrifice endlessly, to give their child every opportunity possible. When children come out to parents as gay, there must be some empathy for the parents. They dont just hear “accept me unconditionally!” They hear, “embrace this radically altrted vision that you thought was your life currntly, as well the life the future had in store for you. 20 years of hopes and dreams you struggled to make possible, they have just been tossed aside.

Perpspectives, courtesy the Devils Advocate

I rarely comment on other’s posts, but I have to say that Blu’s perspective doesn’t make sense to me. I am a straight woman who decided that I didn’t want to get married or have children. Horrors. I am a professional who travels quite a bit and I like my life just the way it is. This broke my mother’s heart. More than anything, my mother wanted me to be a housewife with 5 children. She put her heart and soul into raising me and all she asked in return was for me to give her grandchildren. I let her down. Does this mean that she should cut me off? Does it mean that she should love me less? if something happens to me, should my boyfriend of many years be excluded from the funeral because I let my mom down?

When are we going to get our minds out of people’s bedrooms and focus on love?

Blu :Losing someone you love is heart-wrenching, and it is inexcusable that anyone who cared for Kristian, should be ‘persona non grata’ at his funeral. The last chance you have to pay your respects, say goodbye, and possibly mourne and find some closure should welcome anyu and all people who’s lives were touched by him.
However, although I don’t condone the behaviour of the parents, to say ‘Just accept me…regardless, may be too cavalier. These people have invested 20 years + of their livse, emotionally, financially, and have dreamed wonderful things that they hope for their child, from a time before the child was even born. Many parents sacrifice endlessly, to give their child every opportunity possible. When children come out to parents as gay, there must be some empathy for the parents. They dont just hear “accept me unconditionally!” They hear, “embrace this radically altrted vision that you thought was your life currntly, as well the life the future had in store for you. 20 years of hopes and dreams you struggled to make possible, they have just been tossed aside.
Perpspectives, courtesy the Devils Advocate

Empathy for the parents because a child is Gay….are you DELUSIONAL……I would have empathy for the child if the parents had a problem that their child was Gay….what in the world are you talking about?


It’s 6 a.m. here on the East coast and I’ve been awake since about 4:30. My housemate gets up very early and sometimes his tromping around on the floor above me wakes me up. I usually, go back to sleep but the thought of Kristian’s parents and the whole idea of prayer, and why we pray and what our intent is, kept me up. I felt that I had to add this.

I suggested that everyone pray for Kristian, his lover, and each other but I left out his family. And I kept thinking about that. I kept thinking about what contributes to the fear and violence in this world. What feeds it, and I thought about Gandhi, King and Mandela and why they’re so revered. And oddly enough about St. Paul. In certain martial arts, one doesn’t try to block an opponent, especially, one who is seemingly stronger, you allows the energy to flow through and past you. It unbalances them. Violent opposition can harden an opponent in their stance. You don’t try to fight fire with fire. Gandhi, King and Mandela prevailed because they didn’t use violence against their oppressors. They didn’t create more fear or precipitate more violence by being violent.

Fear creates anger, bitterness and violent reactions. Is that really the energy we want to put out into the world? St. Paul, when he was Saul of Tarsus, participated in the mass murder of Christians. And as non-violent as each new Christian vowed to be to follow in Jesus’ path, there must of been some who were praying that God strike the bastard with lightning. And even those prayers were used to God’s purpose. Saul was surrounded by Light, fell and was struck blind and began to understand his spiritual blindness. He was then counseled by a disciple of Jesus in Damascus, healed and went on to become St. Paul, a disciple of the very religion he had persecuted. I remember another contemporary story of a father, who after visiting the young man in prison, who had killed his only son in a drunk driving accident, on his release from prison, took him into his own home to help him repair his life. The father said that he couldn’t bring back his son, but that he could help save someone else’s.

Few of us can aspire to that level of enlightenment but we can do small things to aid the recovery of the sanity of this planet. As hard as it is, and it’s so HARD… we can NOT lash out in anger at the ignorant and benighted. We can NOT act in ways that create more fear, that harden the hearts of those who oppose us, that perpetuate the cycle of violence. We can TRY. We can pray for those who seem so downright evil sometimes. Pray that God grant them their highest good. I read that if we want to prosper, we have to want for others what we want for ourselves. So,

Please pray for Kristian’s parents. Pray that God grant them their highest good as we want him to grant ours. Maybe Kristian’s friends won’t feel comfortable doing this but those of us who were strangers to him, can. It’s not so deeply personal. Hell, I can’t yet pray for my parents but probably, someone else is. And if we all pray for someone, maybe the cumulative effect will be that EVERYONE gets lifted. That WE get lifted for I doubt that any of us is blameless and has not caused some harm or even created emnity along the way. May be all be wrapped in Love and Light.



When you lose someone too young, and unexpectedly, you often seek to lay blame. I wanted to kill the man that brought my brother his last bottle of whiskey, although my brother chose to take the fatal swig. It’s too hard, at first, to blame the person that got careless with a life we held so dear. I’m so sorry for your loss, Duncan. My heart bleeds for Kristian’s parents too, though. They have to live with the knowledge that they were less than supportive when Kristian needed their unconditional love. I’d hate to bear that burden. This exclusion of his partner will probably eat them alive. Guilt is deadly-they are trying to push their own onto this man. I doubt they will be successful. I will pray for you all-things are how they are meant to be. I hope the commenter above is correct and that we are headed for a more enlightened time.

Recently we did a NOH8 photoshoot at school,I was surprised with how many “kids” came out in support. There were even two families who wanted their kids to be apart of the shoot. I don’t know if this means that they would be supportive if their children came out to them, but…it was still nice to see.

My moms friend lost her Son recently and has been really out of it ever since he passed away in December. She’s in this sort of “Limbo” of not knowing who to blame or if there is anybody to blame. I wish I knew what to say, had the right words to make the pain less.

Sorry if this is scrambled and doesn’t make much sense. I’m sorry that you lost a friend, and someone so young.

As a parent , your supposed to teach your children , love and acceptance. Its a damn shame his parents didnt learn that from him.
I talked with all of my kids about gay people from a early age, letting them know that its just part of life, and you love them no matter who they are.
Once , when my youngest was 8, she came home from school, with a new word as kids do.
She was calling everything under the sun faggot, and it appallled me.
So after having a chat with her about the word, i made her look it up in the dictionary, and write the meaning 100 times.
After that, i didnt hear the word again till she was 11 and she came home with a bloody nose , defending her soon to be best friend , after bullys were calling him a faggot.
To this day, they are still best friends, and he is openly gay, has been since high school, with a good support of friends, it makes no one any difference what his sexuality is.
Its his warmth and kindness that ranks first.
I guess the whole moral of this story, is teach your children well, and the world can change with them.
Be strong D, funerals bring closure, its a sad , sad thing, but your friend is there , just not in body.

Having read your blog I am saddened that Kristian had all that to deal with.
Although his death was untimely we all are in the position that we don’t know when we are due to go.
If my relationships with family members were the same as the situation as kristian’s
I’d have made sure that none of my family would have a say in my funeral arrangements and made dam sure that they wouldn’t benefit from my estate.
I don’t share the view that we should pray for his family if their views were as you said I hope they rot in hell and have miserable lives (are they catholic?)

How upsetting to think that Kristians Family (or some) were not respectful of his life at the end. However, He seemed a much loved and highly respected person by his many friends and we should all be thankful of that. It is difficult for parents to accept their son or daughter being gay, I was lucky…. I have the most fantasticly supportive parents who love my partner as they do me. Mrs Digby, I am sorry for your loss, however I am more sorry you will have to experience the guilt of living with your recent actions for a long time to come. You (Mrs Digby) will never have the chance to say sorry to your son, but your son will forgive you and watch over you to keep you safe….. simply, it appears that thats the sort of person he was.

As a ‘straight’ person, I have nothing but contempt for Kristian’s mother (if all we read is true). What happened to live and let live? Obviously I didn’t know him, but he appeared such a happy, beautiful person. Shame on you Mrs bloody Digby.

Hi Duncan,

I’m so pleased to read your lovely memories of one of my very best friends, Kristian. I must put the record straight however in that his coffin was no ‘dragged’ into the service (which took place in Devon, not Dorset) it was carried respectfully by members of his family and friends. The service itself was beautiful and fitting with music and eulogies from his family and friends.
It’s true there is some discord between Stephen and kristian’s mum and I do agree that Stephen shouldn’t have been excluded from the service, however Stephen conducted the most personal and fitting part of the day in Cockington which was wonderful and is organising a memorial in London in May.
Kristian was an exceptional and beautiful person and is missed dreadfully by all who were lucky enough to have known him. I hope this business about his mother doesn’t marr his memory, as my only concern right now is grieving for my dear friend, and for all involved to get through this with dignity and respect.

Lucy x

hey lucy, im going to devon in a couple of weeks and wondered which cemetary it was so i could lay flowers?
i can understand perhaps not wanting this info shown to all but if you had chance to mail me it id be greatful!
not going to make up anything-im just a fan of kristians,unlike yourself being lucky enough to know him,but id still like to say goodbye… is [email protected]

First of all, I’m sorry to hear of the loss of your close friend and love Kristian Digby. I was tremendously shocked and saddened by his passing and I’m a mere viewer so heaven knows what you must have felt and are still feeling. What a void he must have left in your life and all those who knew, cared for and loved him. It’s a devastating tragedy. He seemed such a lovely fella, a top notch bloke. I hope I too make friends with and know people of the calibre of Kristian during my lifetime – they’re rarities people like that and so must be taken to our hearts and cherished. I am disgusted by the family’s exclusion of Kristian’s partner, that is absolutely atrocious and disgusting behaviour. Seriously, what is all the fuss about human sexuality anyway? I find it all utterly unfathomable. People are people, love is love and sex is the most natural act universal to all. Crazy! Rest In Peace Kristian and peace, hugs and light to you Duncan xx

Kristian was a wonderful gentleman; passionate, talented and complex. I feel great sympathy towards his family during a very difficult period. Whatever conflicted feelings they may be experiencing I can speak from the heart when I say that Kristian was an inspiring young man, and I felt truly privileged to call him my friend. His parents deserve to feel proud of their son. Anyone fortunate enough to have known Kristian will feel a great loss and that is the tie that binds us all, family and friends. I will always miss him.

Dear Duncan

Do you have any idea where Mr Digby is buried? I would be very grateful if you can tell us fans.



yer good question stephen-know its devon torquay but which cemetary???seems to be a massive big secret….?:?

Please accept my hearfelt condolances for the loss of your friend. Kristian seemed as though he was a fine human being ~ the world has lost a good soul. I was brought to tears reading of his struggle for acceptance from his parents and them keeping Stephen away.

My brother is gay, he came out to me years before the rest of the family. He’s never been accepted after he came out. He’s never had the opportunity to bring his life partner to any family gathering – in fact no one has ever met him. He knows bringing him to meet our folks would be a horrible mistake which would bring about nothing but a horrible ending. He claims he’s happy but I can see he isn’t and it’s heartbreaking. I just don’t get how parents cannot love their children unconditionally, after all, isn’t is supposed to be unconditional love?
Be well Duncan, I adore you.

I should be surprised to read this but I’m not. My father was a church minister and had to take the funeral for a 16 year old boy who had killed himself after a disastrous coming out to his parents. He was beyond anger at the parents but did it for the boy’s sake. You just hope as you get older that these kinds of attitudes die out but it doesn’t look like it. I just hope people can rise above parents who may be a let down (in time) and find a good support network of friends and members of the family who can love you for who you are – whatever that may be.

Terribly sad that Kristian’s memorial service had to be cancelled,but I would not have recommended Southwark Cathedral anyway to hold a service.It is too sprawling and impersonal with lots of pillars and bad eyelines if sat at the back to see anything and the acoustics are terrible.
The better option would be the church chosen by most media in St Martin in the Fields,Trafalgar Square.I hope that a service goes ahead but choose a church with more character

I am truly saddened by the death of Kristian, but family bereavements appear
to make people behave in a very strange way, particularly when they are so public. I hope that Kristian left a “Will”, and that Stephen will stay as part of his life for as long as he wants – “Live and Let Live”, “Love Unconditionally”….

It is hard to know what to say about this woman.
On the one hand I feel sympathy for her. She has still lost her son, and she must be grieving, and grief causes a wide range of very strong emotions including anger.
Equally if she is indeed mentally deranged, again this is a condition that requires sympathy.
On the other hand what a pity that she has seen fit to act in this manner, …for Kieran, his friends, his family, and indeed herself.
Also if she did not accept Kieran for being gay while he was alive, some day she is going to have to face up to the guilt about why she has acted in this way, and will now never ever be able to make ammends to Kieran.
It is all very very sad.

His name is Kristian not Kieran. No he didn’t leave a will so his next of kin will inherit, ie his mother and father.

Hi I just want to correct a couple of things about this post. Kristians funeral took place in a beautiful Spanish barn in Torquay the weather was bad but there was still a good 100 people there. He was carried certainly not dragged into the barn to the sound of ” why does my heart feel so bad” by Moby. Friends read poems and a eulogy was read there was a video of Kristian talking about dyslexia and the song “oh what a world” by Rufus Wainwright was played it was a respectful funeral and very moving.

I was a friend of Kristian at university and encouraged him to come out. I hadn´t seen him much in recent years but we kept in touch. I´m very saddened to hear this news about the family. I met his mother once and I can certainly believe your comments. Kristian on the other hand was one of the sweetest friends I had at university. It´s so appalling what happened. I just hope he’s at peace wherever he is.

As I’ve said many timnes before “Kristian you are sadly missed”

Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle,
and the life of the candle will not be shortened.
Happiness never decreases by being shared.


Oh my! I haven’t cried this hard for a long while!
I live in Finland but I’m origianlly from the UK. There’s a few TV programmes, via satellite, presented by Kristian and I just adore his style. Recently I’ve got into the habit of googling interesting people to learn more about their background. Tonight I’d just seen an old episode of Living in the Sun and after grabbing my laptop I learned of Kristian’s death:0(
I found this thread, and though I’m not gay, I really feel I want to say something… I found the story of Kristian’s mother so astonishing. It seems that because she couldn’t ‘control’ him in life she found a way to do so in death.
Rest in Peace Kristian xxx

It struck me as so immensely sad. A life lived with dignity, strength, conviction. The never failing generosity to others, what was going on in that mind we all loved? Was there anything that could of been done?

I am so sad to read this blog, I adored Kristian, he was great as a presenter, witty and fun, articulate, charming and blessed with extremely good looks, and it was shocking to hear that he had died. I looked soon after to see if there was a tribute page or news of his funeral and stumbled on this by chance today. I know that Kristian used his celebrity status to work for charity from time to time, has any one set up a fund to donate to one of the charity causes he supported. I know he worked with Sir Ian Mc Kellan to raise funds for homeless gay people. It would nice if fans, friends and colleagues could donate to a fund in his name and leave a lasting legacy of some kind to remember Kristian, perhaps someone close to him might have some ideas. Rest in peace Kristian.

will there be a grave stone erected in christians memory?.i also think it would be very fitting to have a blue plaque mounted on the out side wall of his london house,it would be an awful shame if his memory just died away with the generation that knew him.

Sorry to hear all this.I did wonder why we had heard no more following news of his untimely death. Condolences to all his friends and partner. The only thing I would say about what you have written is dont judge all christians alike. We dont all believe the negative. When our son comes of age we just want to know he is secure and loved. Who he chooses is his choice not ours. I hope things get better for those who loved, this obviously lovely young man

so sad and heart breaking, always loved christian watching him on telly. he always seem to emanate warmth and humour that lights your world even from such distance. i was so shocked to learn of his death when i came home after few months abroad. i am a straight woman and would support and love my children no matter what their sexual orientation,if all this is true about his mom i think she needs psychiatric help. condolences and best wishes to his parents(regardless of what they did or did’nt do they must still love him deep down,) also to his partner and many friends

I was working early shifts and turned on my car radio at about 0415 to hear the almost unbearable news of the death of Christian Digby. Since then I have wondered so many things, why did we hear nothing of him from that moment on? I just want to say that I adored him, that he lit up my world and that losing him was truly tragic.

Christian was so full of life, so full of the joy of life, so very funny and so amazingly charming and good looking. I can’t bear that he has gone.

I have only just caught up with the sad facts surrounding Christian’s funeral through reading the comments on this site. I knew there must be something wrong so at least now I know what it was. It is all so horribly sad but there is no accounting for the way families behave in these awful circumstances.

I just hope that, somewhere, somehow, Christian knows how very much he is loved and missed…

Mr & Mrs Digby,
I am so hoping that common sense has prevailed, and you have given the house back to Stephen … as he was your sons chosen partner, who loved him, and he loved also. Our children our precious, Kristian was exactly that too, and shared his love, laughter and warmth with everyone, the TV shows he transmitted gave out his vibrant personality, and none of judged him for his sexuality, as we never were ever bothered, as he never was trying to intimidate anyone, instead he gave support.
What happened to Kristian .. was no more than a stupid accident, no-one’s fault, just happened to rob all of us of a very wonderful individual, if there were regrets … then i am sure Kristian would head the list.
My warmest thoughts and love goes to Stephen … I feel your loss.

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