I am in Hollywood all week deconstructing my art collection. There are piles of books on chairs, paintings stacked 5 deep. Hooks on the walls. Porcelain, silver and furniture all looking for a home and a price. I am reduced to looking at all my beloved things for what they are worth and not the value they once had. A dealer arrives from London to look and buys 8 pieces. He buys the word works by Hamish Fulton found at auction some years ago.
He buys them immediately I tell him the price, so I’m sure I must have sold them far too cheaply.
Everybody seems very interested in a charming Richard Long mud work that I also bought at auction many years ago, that and a Gary Hume.
As homes are found for the artwork it is all at once hard and very, very liberating. Now I just want everything to go.
Even if I kept it all, when I move back to Malibu, I’ll have nowhere to put any of it. I’m desperate to travel light, just me and the little dog.
My instinct is not to own anything anymore, where as my previous desire was to own everything. Somehow I traded people for things.
Which sadly brings me to my current heartbreak.
The truth is that when you choose to fall for someone who is already taken you only have yourself to blame.
I really wanted to sit here and blame him but as I let go of all my art and furniture and let it drift into the ether so I have to let him drift too. There was a time when I did not know him. There will be a time soon when I will no longer know him.
What brought on this sudden change of heart?
Well, yesterday I was with Jonathan my book dealer friend on Melrose Place and I meet a furniture designer, he has a huge jaw and a sunny disposition. He is well dressed, intelligent, masculine (all the things my darling in NYC is) but Mr. Furniture is single. He is not lying to his long-term beau about how much he loves them then telling me-and probably countless others-how much he loves me. I met Mr. Furniture and I woke up. I no longer wanted to be the mistress. The other.
I suddenly owned up to one glorious fact: I have self esteem!
Let me say that once more, in fact let me scream it from the top of the Chateau des Fleur!
I HAVE SELF ESTEEM!!!
2.
Oh LOVE, how seductive that word is, how my chest tightens, my loins gird when I hear that four letter word.
The first time I slept with Mr. Darling NYC, I was sure that he had spent the weekend with another-even though he assured me that he had not. There was something bruised about his body, something already and recently taken.
How do mistresses do it? How can they possibly justify being the ‘other’? I have heard close, heterosexual male friends’ talk about how they maintain multiple lives, how they compartmentalize their wives and family from their mistresses/hookers/men. Yet, there is a consequential theme-they are always surprised when the mistress falls in love, they are always surprised when the mistress falls in love. When the mistress wants more, has feelings. She cannot understand why the married man refuses to leave his wife for them. Why?
Damn you Mr. Darling NYC for casting me in that role. I want to live in the sunlight, I have no reason to live like a crack head in darkened rooms looking at pornography, gazing at the man I love jerking off when at any minute his girlfriend of several years might come bowling home. Who would get the blame? Not the innocent boyfriend, the younger guy who is powerless over the mean old gay sex addict. I don’t want to be that bleating fool. I have no reason to wait around for a man who cannot tell the truth to those he claims he loves.
Part cowardice, part conformity and a great deal of known comfort keep a man lying and cheating to those he says he loves.
Recently, every time I spoke to Mr. Darling NYC my heart felt heavier, I became agitated, my thoughts were dark and doomed. It was so hopeless. Such a waste.
I started thinking about the Big Dog and her crushed bleeding body on the street. (I think about her like that everyday.) Every day I am tortured by her dying in my arms and wish that I could have changed places with her.
Who would hold me in their arms and love me if I was crushed in the street? Who would sit with me whilst I took my last breath? Not Mr. Darling NYC because he would be making pasta for his true love. His fiancé-minutes from meaningless vows. Oh go to hell Mr. Darling NYC because you are a liar and a thief, you lie to her and you steal my heart.
Perhaps it is possible not to be afraid, perhaps its all one has. I’ll tell him that..yes, he’ll know what I mean. Mr. Furniture, the single guy who lives a mile or so away, the man I met yesterday, in the sun, on the street with no dark clouds on the horizon. Unfettered, free and in love.
3.
There is a dream I occasionally have: I am necking a bottle of Montepulciano. We are sitting beneath a leafy canopy in a wood outside Firenze; wild bore roasting in the open air. If I started drinking again what would I be? I have been thinking about that recently. How long would it take to kill me if I started drinking? I was a happy drunk-until I wasn’t.
When I first got sober there were so many people in my life who wanted me to start drinking again-including my lover at that time. I am now a very long way away from those people who would say ‘call me if you ever start drinking’ because they were fascinated to see what I looked like fucked up. Time has irrevocably separated us. Now I am stranded with the idea of an unfinished party.
I am going to miss Mr. Darling NYC so much because he was my bad clandestine habit. He was as much as I could get away with-until I couldn’t.
My mother stands before me in uncomprehending sorrow.
My dog is risen from her leafy grave.
Mr. Darling NYC tells the truth and liberates his soul.
My long dead father comes to me and tells me everything I ever wanted to know.
Sorry to hear that things didn’t work out but really Duncan, did you expect an honest and monogamous relationship with someone who was otherwise engaged? You and I are a bit older so I am sure that if I know that unfaithful people usually remaib unfaithful and if you believe otherwise you have not learned from your past experiences as you should have. It really is time to grow up and take responsibility for your mistakes. You are a talented writer/director and you should take all of your life lessons and apply them to what you do best. Do not LOOK for love, let it find you. That love will be worth the wait. Even though I adore you, your char, wit, and obvious talent, I cannot fill your head with fluff you want to hear. The truth is what you Need to hear. I do adore you, though, you are an interesting and intelligent man and I wish I had an intellect like you in my life. It would make for great conversations
I am glad that you realized you are worth so much more then that. Because you are. Your movie arrived from netflix today so I’m planning on watching, very excited.
As to your dearly departed dog… I lost my beloved cat in a very ugly and painful manner and for months could only see her like that. I finally bought a book on getting over the loss of a pet and truth be told it really did help me. Now when I think of her I think of her being her petulant bratty self and how I was the only one she loved and vice versa. I hope you get those ugly visions replaced with beautiful memories someday soon.
Beautiful post, Duncan.
YOU HAVE SELF ESTEEM!
You have had enough pain, tumult.
Keep turning toward light.
Congratulations.
God bless you darling man. What a wonderful surprise to find waiting for you in the middle of a broken heart! YOU HAVE SELF ESTEEM!!!!!!! It’s a delightful shock isn’t it? Carry on. You’re moving forward. ❤
This comes across as healthy growth, Duncan. Important lessons often hurt (thank you Captain Obvious). The hurt passes as the hard-won truths you’ve acquired lead you to new lessons and more understanding. I’m glad to read that you are treating yourself with more respect. It’s also a pleasure to read your posts because you write so well and so fluidly, kinetically but emotionally specific.
(I’ve been posting about love, kindergarten, and wrestling with inner dragons lately.)
Struggling through the storms and fogs always has rewards–you are so strong, so determined to continue to become whole and always healthier. NYC guy was perhaps a vehicle for assimilation of everything you have learned to this point. I loved how this post just seemed to flow out of you. I am grinning from ear to ear, so happy for you–nothing so important as a true understanding, a deep belief that goes beyond “knowing”, that you want and deserve sunshine, honesty, integrity, self-respect, all the true things. Even if you slip back once in awhile, you will remember this.
About Big Dog’s hideous death and your replaying that image…I lost a sister to drugs and the streets…for many years I had images of her last days, of how she might have died. We don’t really know because she had disappeared, but I think I can pinpoint her death to a time when I had a dream about her…that’s another story. It wasn’t until I found a way to imagine her rebirth that I could (almost entirely) stop the imaginings of a horrible death. I saw her spirit and all the molecules of her body separate and then integrate with the earth, trees and grasses, water and air. She was free, and at home, and still with me, with us.
I hope that helps.
What a amazing group of readers you have Duncan. Moira, your insights and understanding helps me also.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Its blessings in disguise Duncan, and i guess sometimes it takes time for us to see that. Its near spring and time for all things new.
I am so happy for you Duncan. You have self esteem!
Brilliant post-I really enjoy your blog.
you deserve to have someone that loves you openly, freely, completely, for who you are…no need to settle for being in second place or in a hiding place…my mom has always said that opening yourself up to someone that is completely available to you can be scary, because it brings the prospect of true intimacy, a relationship that can actually work…
you deserve to have someone that loves you openly, freely, completely, for who you are…no need to settle for being in second place or in a hiding place…
I am saying this to you and also to myself…
peace, hope and love,
lily
Thank you for being so honest. Now it makes sense why you were so afraid to fall for Mr. NYC. To let your heart fall in love… because you knew deep down he would never be able to give you what you deserve. I agree with another comment here, don’t try to find love, just be open to it and things will work out sooner or later. Be happy.
You’re wonderful and soulful. I wonder if by selling your art (art – not just regular stuff – but lovely, carefully-selected ART) are you not punishing yourself in some way? You deserve happiness and freedom. You deserve the job and beauty and magic of artistic things. Don’t deprive yourself. No more punishing your artful soul. Travel light, yes – but travel with art in your life. Blessings.
My 2 yr old just climbed into bed with us. My husband could sleep through a train wreck. Sometimes I love when my little girl comes into our room and hops up in our bed while we are sleeping…but tonight after her knocking me in the face a few times (while she’s sound asleep) and then laying on my stomach…I had to get out of bed. So I am back online. But my point for this comment is along the lines of what Laura made mention of. I don’t think you are punishing yourself. I went through the same need to rid myself of excess stuff a few years ago. I sold my art, furniture, antiques, estate jewels…my $3000 Escada, and De la Renta business suits..my valentino bags…I had worked for so long…so many hours of the day…I did not have much contact with my friends and family. I made incredible amounts of money…and i accumulated Stuff…and when we moved I felt the need to get rid of it…we had a new baby…my business was turning and I realized I had so much stuff. I am glad I got rid of many things.. but there are a few pieces I miss and if I had a chance to do it again I would have held onto some of the more sentimental things…there are a few Rembrant etchings I wish I would have held onto. Etc. But they are gone. I think they are sentimental and remind me of my mother who passed of cancer a few years ago. She loved them so much and would come to my house and just sit and get lost in the “Raising of Lazarus” etching. I wish I had it..now that mom is gone. The subject matter vs her knowing she was dying was a something she related to. I just remember her so peaceful enjoying it, sitting on my chaise with her pug on her lap. I miss my mommy much more than the art, but if i could change one part of my “cleansing” I would have never sold it. Just a thought to keep in mind.
i wish i didn’t relate to you being in love with a married man duncan, but i am as well and it is really difficult. he and i are both in fairly loveless marriages, but for all of the reasons that can be stated, justified, and rationalized, we remain in love with each other and married to others. i adore my beautiful boyfriend. he is all i could want in a man of my dreams. my husband is a wonderful man and has many, many great qualities, but there is absolutely no passion of any type, i’m not talking about sex alone, but passion in general, in our relationship. my boyfriend’s wife doesn’t seem to understand him at all either but they have stayed comfortably coexisting for twenty three years. good God!!! how can that be done?