The transformation begins. The property is suddenly alive with Sean and his partner Mary pruning, tilling, weeding and the like. The terraces that run down to the property line in front of the house are beginning to look like vegetable beds and as I have said before the earth is rich and soft after the heavy rain.
The torrential rain caused damage to many roads across the region and this time our neighborhood was not spared. In the mountains above me the upper part of Rambla Pacifico has fallen away. 100 feet of road crumbling off of the mountainside like royal icing off a wedding cake.
The fencing for the goats has been mapped out and at the beginning of March I hope to complete this part of the project. After a long discussion yesterday with Mary and Sean I think I may very well become a vegetarian. This will please those of you who think my plan to eat the goats was cruel.
The only problem for me being in Malibu is what happens to me when everybody leaves at the end of the day. I feel incredibly lonely. So, last night I headed over to Jennifer and Jason’s house near Trancas and fell into a deep sleep on their sofa.
My friends Jennifer and Jason are conspiracy theorists and believe in Chem Trails and government corruption and after an evening discussing their worldview I am exhausted by unrelenting pessimism.
It was fun waking up to their three children and their sleepover friends screaming around the house. We ate thick creamy porridge and black coffee and I drove home.
However, the truth is, before the children woke up I woke up feeling desperately sad. Apart from the usual sense of doom that overcomes me each morning when I remember that half of America is gripped by a terrible financial firestorm-as well as the snowstorms that have snarled the capital and all other major East Coast cities. I was sad because I woke up too many thousands of miles away from the man I want to be waking up besides.
I am falling in love.
Falling in love is not an easy thing to do for a sex addict.
The moment things don’t go my way my default is to retire to a safe and quiet place and lick my wounds. Why should romantic love be so damned painful?
It has been hard these past few days to make sense of what happens to me when the love thang kicks in. Of course I want to see him but he is in NYC and he is otherwise engaged. Why can’t I meet someone who lives close by and is good at farming? Anyone know a good gay farmer who wants to spend his days in total paradise with me..I suppose THAT is the fly in the ointment-me.
Who would want to do that?
PS Obviously anyone in London who knew Lee McQueen is upset by his untimely demise but I am especially sad as he was so maligned after Issie Blow’s death. Artists are fragile creatures, he was especially so. Somehow, at the end of the day, art is simply not enough to sustain anyone.
Ijust adore you. Each time you write a blog my heart just aches for you and the Mother instinct wants to make everything better. I truly wish you could just give in and give yourself to someone without reservations. If it lasts a month or a decade you at least get to experience the wonderful feelings and learn from the bad feelings as well. Try Duncan. Its time to get out of your box and live your life for you before your life slips away and you become a lonely old man. As always God Bless you and you are in my prayers.
Follow you head ( within reason )…Need a gay farmer , if for anything ” farming tips” ? Try Grant’s Family Farm in Colorado ~ fantastic and organic
No Duncan – you are NOT the “fly in the ointment”. I have all empathy for the painful experience of falling in love with someone who (sounds like it from your blog) is not entirely available. Been there too many times myself. Can you resolutely turn in the direction of your stated dream – encountering someone who IS available, nearby and who understands that love is about giving – the way you understand it? Come to think of it – that is also the definition of a loving God. Please offer this longing of yours to your Higher Power Who understands and loves who you are, just as you are, and who knows what you need. Ask your Higher Power for exactly what you want with the proviso that Higher Power knows better than you what is good for you. You are in my prayers. L
Duncan,
I had this thought as I read your blog and then LeslieLa’s comment….could it be that you are falling in love with a man in New York BECAUSE he’s far away and otherwise engaged? Isn’t that so much safer than falling in love with someone close to you who could share your life, or perhaps then chose not to share your life? Love is scary for a lot of people, myself included. I’m not putting you down….as I said, just a thought….
I don’t have much to offer except that I think you are bright and resourceful, and I believe you will come up with an original solution for the problem of your loneliness. I also think taking steps toward not killing your goats will free you to love them more. I don’t have the moral discipline to be a complete vegetarian, but i would have trouble killing animals that help around the place like the goats will be helping you, and you can get healthy cheese and milk from them too.
There is that Zen story about needing to be an empty cup before you can be filled…
I am so interested to see the developments with your garden. It seems like it would be a pleasent place to relax and heal. I don’t doubt that you have honest feelings for this new love interest. I think Jules brings up a valid point that maybe part of the attraction is that he is so far away and not fully available. I am not a therapist, nor do I pretend to be….but in lay men terms it makes sense one wants the thing that they can’t have. And perhaps in the time you are apart and you think of him you might be building him up in your mind to be too “perfect” that he has to be it…no doubt if that is the case you will be let down. Just BREATHE relax, and know that you deserve the best. Yes relationships take sacrifice but it is required from both parts.
I wish you well, and hope you can find some answers for yourself.
PS. I have been watching celeb rehab. I think Kari – Ann needs a blog. I feel for her she seems so troubled. Maybe her attitude is just played up for the “show” but, I am still amazed at how she behaves. It seems like she has so much hurt and ick inside she needs to get out, but has been conditioned to be the Princess and Smile and not to trouble anyone with the “ugly” part of her. Very sad. My mother sent me to “charm school” for years…..and I relate to part of that, in my recovery I nevered wanted to let it all out because I was conditioned to not be a burden and smile and think about other’s before me…blah blah..sorry I know this is way off topic. It was just on my mind.
Kari ann has a blog, dont write anything negative, it will not be on the blog, she only accepts compliments and fan mail. She is more than the sum of her showgirl/princess syndrome, I think she is a narcissitic sociopath. Beyond repair espescially when all she does attracts attention. Blech, she needs her arse smacking and I hope she meets her match soon.
Oh My! I just looked at her my space. I had no idea she had “fans.” LMFAO
Duncan,I’d like to pose a question with much respect for what you’ve been through in your life and the feelings you’ve been sharing in your blog. You seemed to have an epiphany in one of the therapy sessions on the Sex Rehab show when it was suggested that your present day sexual encounters with men were a constant reminder/replay of the early sexual abuse you experienced in your life (I hope I am recounting this correctly, forgive me if I am not). You seemed deeply affected by this possible connection and even questioned whether or not you were truly gay or had become locked into sex with men as a part of the reliving the trauma connected to your early abuse.
As I read your poignant feelings about falling in love with the man in New York, I wonder how this all fits into the questioning you did in therapy (and I think at some point on this blog). What are your feelings about this now as you feel so strongly attracted to your friend in New York?
And one other thing, I thought for addicts (of any kind) it was strongly encouraged that they refrain from getting involved in a serious relationship for at least a year so they could be sure the feelings they were experiencing were based on true healthy emotional and not connected to the dysfunction of the addiction (in this case sex addiction). What are your feeling about this?
I love the fascinating mix of introspection and social commentary you delve into in your blog and wish only good things for you.
C. Simon-SR was filmed nearLy a year ago, in March I think.