A strange thing happens when I fall in love. I open the door to one man and a rowdy gang of other men try busting in behind him. As soon as I am brave enough to declare my love every ideal man in the world makes himself available. It takes the constitution of a saint to just say, “I’m sorry but I am dating someone right now. I can’t give you my number, I am flattered but NO!”
So, after breakfast at Cecconi with the Brits in LA I am dog walking up Robertson in my cap and coat and a fine young man stops me and we make small talk about his dog and then we talk about mine and I am wondering at what point he will ask that question. The question that leads to another meeting-or worse..a hook up.
I am thinking to myself how I might politely turn him down. How falsely I will smile as I tell him how flattered I am and how hard I am going to kick myself when I walk away without giving him my number.
The truth is-I am falling in love and that may come as surprise to some of you because I have not been writing about it nor have I mentioned him particularly like that. I am falling in love with a swarthy New Yorker who makes my heart sing whenever I am with him. Yet, I fear, he can never be the man. The great dark man.
I can’t concentrate. I can’t make sense of my day when I know he is in NYC waiting for me. I tell him that I love him like a dog. I am not IN love because that is too soon. I love him like the little dog.
The problem with falling in love is falling out of love. For as suddenly as I love him I can also no longer love him and the train rolls on by.
“Into love, and out again, Thus I went, and thus I go. Spare your voice, and hold your pen — Well and bitterly I know All the songs were ever sung, All the words were ever said; Could it be, when I was young, Some one dropped me on my head?”
Duncan Roy's Blog 
I knew you were falling for someone. It was in the way you referenced “him” so nonchalantly but also with admiration. Also, you have always portrayed yourself alone usually but as of late you have had a companion in your blogs. Love is wonderful and at first it is fun, then, if done right, it is comfortable, reassuring, and welcomingly predictable and routine. I have been with my husband for 17 years and little did I know that it would and has gotten better and better as the years have past. And that, Duncan, is the best kind of love. The kind where you can just TRUST each other with knowing that you each only want what makes the other happy. Good luck and God Bless.
HeatherStod, I’m glad that your relationship has gotten better and better.
I haven’t felt real love, the kind that you’re just obsessed with, morning day and night since I was in my late teens/early 20s.
Duncan – Your sentiments strike a chord. After years on the rollercoaster and with 15 years of sexual sobriety just for today, here is what I have managed to sort out so far. “Love” is not feeling. “Love” is moment-to-moment behavioral choice. My non-negotiable is maintaining personal integrity, in partnership with a loving and forgiving God. Regardless of the hormonal/emotional onslaught (which can be literally intoxicating), there are many safe, beautiful appropriate manifestations of love that do not sell one down the road to sexual obsession. At the same time, once respect, reverence and commitment are established… it’s appropriate to employ one’s sexuality for the pleasure of the beloved. I am always awed at the wedding ceremony language from the Anglican Book of Common Prayer: “”With this Ring I thee wed, with my Body I thee worship, and with all my worldly Goods I thee endow”. I hope this is useful to you.
Duncan,
Love is so important in the world and I really hope that this relationship will be a lasting one for you. It is possible, I think. Keep in contact with your support systems and utilize them to help get through potential difficulties. You deserve love in your life.
Carrie
Lucesitam-thank you for your nice comment. I think I may have mislead you, though. I am not obsessed with the love I have, I am merely content. I am nearing 40 and have a verynice life in MANY senses of the word. I guess you could say I have a nice balance of God, self, and family. I don’t live for others but WITH others. I truly hope you find this kind of balance in your life, I hope everyone does. True I have been through my own addiction struggles and for today I am on the winning team. I wish you a wonderfuul day and hope to have ceared things up. nic
I want to wish you success and wisdom in your continued healthy efforts to find lasting love, Duncan. Everyone deserves love that lasts.
Learning to manage how to make choices in who to love takes practice and self-awareness. I think the idea that we somehow become zombies for love (in the sense of completely losing our free will to chemistry) is nonsense. It only seems like that if you don’t know enough about why you make the choice.
I used to confuse limerence with love. Once I consciously CHOSE to love someone who was also a good partner for me, who had similar values and goals but different abilities and ways of pursuing them, it became both exciting AND smooth sailing. It still is, 17 years later. She was the same age Duncan is now when we first met. It isn’t too late for anyone. Love is a renewable resource.
(I posted about why TV News Sucks, and about the music of JS Bach lately.)
Duncan, think of it this way, after you purchase a blue car you see lots of blue cars. The gorgeousness of available and interested men was always there, you are happy and that attracts love and with that temptation. You know you can pull, so be pleased with yourself. After you declined the young stud, did’nt you feel great about yourself?
It’s that monkey on your back called insecurity , turning up at the wrong time to tempt you, tell him to get lost.
You are a very handsome man, you are always going to attract people, you look interesting, dress incredibly well and unless you start wearing naff clothes and a bag over your head, that my dear, will not change!
After 13 years married to a solid down to earth man who changed my wandering eye it is delightful to feel safe and secure knowing he trusts me, he lets me travel, go wherever I want without a second thought and because of that i would never betray that trust.
Know what? I am sure you are in love, it’s allowed,INMHO a man who loves his little dog that much knows it.
Knowing you are an avid art fan, please take a look at Justin Mentell’s site http://www.justinmentell.com.
Justin died on Monday in an auto accident in Madison WI. You would remember him from Boston Legal playing a young lawyer.
He was only 27, and had retired from acting last July to pursue his art full time. Six months of doing what he loved, only six months.
His art is vibrant , amusing and he reminds me of a young Jackson Pollock.
He had plans, he had a dream to set up building a shelter for the homeless. He donated his art to anyone who gave generously to worthwhile causes.
And now he is gone. Life is short, choose good decisions.
🙂 You’re entry today made me smile. I’m happy for you.
Hey there Duncan, I got sucked into the reality tv world, which is something I am not proud of. But, when I watched you on VH1 I felt like I already knew you. It was crazy. I thought for a moment and realized that you remind me so much of my best friend Paul who now lives in Washington and is originally from Los Angeles, Cali.Both of you are Smart. Witty. Well spoken. so Handsome. If I was running a match maker service he would be perfect for you. He also has a preference for straight boys 🙂 Paul would probrably kick my ass if he knew I was writing to a stranger about him but for some reason I felt the urge to hit you up. I guess to say if you are ever looking for love again, I think I know where to find it for you. Best Wishes my friend. xox
PS. not suggesting that you need ANY help in the love dept.