There is a storm brewing over Los Angeles and it seems also to be brewing in my heart.
I really need to connect with my 12-step brethren. I am experiencing a disconnect. My head is thumping and I know that this isn’t brain cancer just anxiety.
I know what to do-all I need to do is get on my knees and pray but I am scared of using up my only option.
I have a million things to do tomorrow. Cooper arrives from NYC so maybe we can do those things together.
I have to take action rather than let life wash over me. Yet, I feel tired-exhausted. Keeping optimistic in profoundly pessimistic times is exhausting.
I think that you can tell, dear readers, that I am under the weather.
So, this week I have goat shelter, garden plan and solar decisions to make. I have to prepare the house for rental and get the sofas that need repairing out of the house. I have to call the bank and respond to various requests that have been left unanswered.
I think that the idea of a relationship weighs heavy on my soul. I can’t go though any sort of misery again. I want joy in my life and to share the projects I have with another interested party.
Haiti is a ghastly mess. The images and news reports from the Caribbean are harrowing and add to my sense of helplessness. It reminds me daily that a large earthquake in LA could cause the same sort of terrible catastrophe. I have made several charitable donations and am shocked that Rush Limbaugh has urged his listeners not to give to any charities suggested by Obama. What kind of racist monster is he? Where is the compassion?
Duncan Roy's Blog 
First of all take care of yourself! First and foremost get thee to a meeting. Take their embrace. Rush Limbaugh is a creep and soon he will have no place left to hide. You did what you thought was compassionate by donating. Don’t drive yourself crazy by stressing over his lack of it. But really don’t wait on the meeting thing. You know it’s the right thing.
The reason he has said this is because we’ve donated a lot of money to Haiti in the past and all of it was stolen by their corrupt government leaders, and not given to the people where it was most needed. Although I know it is easy to disagree with Rush, I think he would rather people send money to the Red Cross and other reputable rather than directly to the Haitian government and other places where our hard earned money could possibly be given to people who won’t be using it for earthquake relief efforts, rather stealing it to use for their own personal needs/wants.
I completely understand what you mean Duncan. To others the things we must get done and therefore make us anxious, seem trivial to the “normal” people. All the time I tell my husband how I dread doing certain things, calling the plumber, calling the yard man, etc and he always responds with “why? That’s all easy stuff” but these mundane things cause me to lose sleep and stress. I realize that it is silly yet I continue to make them dilemnas in my head. I hope I’m not crazy…lol. And yes, getting in touch with anyone that makes you feel safe and grounded is good. You’re in my prayers. Good luck
Hang in. As trite as this may sound, you are not alone. Personally, the Haiti disaster is so deep and emotional, it brings out all kinds of trauma in me and I have no tolerance for bigots in the best of times, much less at times when the world is struggling, and that’s it isn’t it? The world is struggling, we as one. The Rush’s are not concerned with the oneness of the planet as a planet, as a people. Rush is for Rush, and he is for spinning his followers into an ignorant tizzy about things they don’t understand. Shame on him for using his power of media to push hateful messages on the unintelligent. Anyone can do that. He twists the message of America and what it stands for (especially ESPECIALLY to the Christians of America–everyone knows that Jesus was all about the Love–spin THAT–and to help the people of Haiti is to help Him) to suit his bank account. He gobbles up opiates and sweats and has chest pains and spews hate on am radio. It would be funny, if it weren’t true. To get stuck in the negative spin, takes away the good messages of helping the people of Haiti, can’t let the Rush’s win this one. Love is stronger than hate anyway. Dawn’s right, get to a meeting, keep talking–most people are not as morally corrupt as RL (thought for the day) and spread the good message. GO. Online meeting chats are helpful also!
Take care of yourself first, whatever that means to you. When you are tired and down it is ok to give yourself what you need–a nap, a walk with the dogs, a comforting meal, a phone call to a good friend, a meeting, all of those things. Those of us who grew up with “unresponsive” parents often feel unworthy of self-care or we feel guilty if we take the time and effort to nurture ourselves. Know that you are worthy of a loving response to your needs.
Recently, someone said to me that it is ok to feel compassion but not to feel sorry for people. Compassion allows you to act but not take the misery into your own soul. Pity doesn’t help anyone. You have done what you can. I can’t look at the pictures or listen to much of the news, but have donated what I can.
I hope this doesn’t come off as a lecture…they are things I need to remind myself often.
The important differences between compassion and pity- excellent.
Duncan – please get to a meeting and also give yourself some credit. You have been on a steep trajectory of personal assessment and change for weeks… or is it months? “Under the weather” = time to throttle back. Glad to hear your consciousness about Haiti. Good that you don’t have a TV. I had to turn off the images at a certain point, without guilt but with respect for those suffering people and for myself. As for prayer, yes I know – sometimes we just can’t. Not to worry. It’s OK to “be still and know that I am God.” or as my dear late father used to say “Rest easy”. Wishing you a peaceful week and a return to serenity.
I feel anxious when I hear about big catastrophes too. I can’t remember the term, but there’s also a kind of burn-out people get when repeated stresses take away their energy to the point where they become ill or dysfunctional. Compassion overload? Empathy overdose? Anyway, health care workers and those in social services get it a lot.
I agree with the rest. You must care for yourself, in order to be available to care for others, and for the Earth.
(re: Rush…I blogged about “experts” also today.)
Praying is always a good option, even if it seems like the last one. I have a friend who prays like crazy even though she’s lately a bit of an agnostic. Prayer can be, if nothing else, a good way to meditate and get yourself (I hate this term but) “centered.” And although this is probably not something any 12 step program would recommend, when I’m having one of the days you’re describing, I try to use Scarlett O’Hara’s coping mechansim. I just tell myself I’ll think about that stuff tomorrow and force myself to move on to other less bothersome things. I know, I know…..but sometimes it actually works for me! I’ll happily send a prayer out there for you though, and I’m sure that once you get busy DOING all the things you’ve got scheduled to do, you won’t have time to feel this way any more anyway. As the Shakers were fond of saying: hands to work – hearts to God.
Limbaugh is not worth oe minute of thought. He’s simply an inconsequential asshole who was most likely put on Earth to remind us that humanity has both a good side and a Limbaugh side. Perhaps if he wasn’t here, we’d fell less compelled to do the right thing?
Remember during rehab at one point just after your retraumatization breakthrough you turned to Jenny and said “Shame on them for what they did, shame on me for continuing to do it”? Well just before it you said, “Rehab is quite extraordinary, isn’t it?” I remember my introduction to therapeutic psychospiritual intensives, my very similar realization and perplexed fascination that a whole world of truth I had never been privy to existed and somehow never came my way. Well, Duncan, I am here to tell you that there is so much more on the heels of that, so much better than any fiction and I’d like to share it with you. True inner peace and wonderment, I promise you. I’ve spent the last 10 years as a psychotherapist and spiritual mentor, experientally studying the mind/body connection. I had to find my own answers, but I did find them. And now, lots of books exist on the matter, just not all dots connected yet. (Jill is definitely tapped in, BTW.) Won’t you let me help you? I may have to stop reading your blog because your pain could be eased and to see such an extraordinarily gifted and sensitive man as yourself in pain without helping simply isn’t in my nature. Please do call. Perhaps one day, you’ll return the favor by sharing what I share with you with others. The biggest gift there is is being asked to share what one has learned, and we’ll do so with fun! Comedy and tragedy. The area code is in code–buddies in bad times, you know….the number is NINE TWO FIVE, 1869. Are you ready for old science meets new science?
MariaGrace,
I find it very unusual of you are a practicing psychotherapist that you would try to contact Duncan in this manner…..with a secret code so he can figure out what your number is?
re: Rush Limbaugh, Jon Stewart (The Daily Show) said “I think I know the cause of your heart trouble…YOU DON’T HAVE ONE!” Here is the video clip: http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/thu-january-14-2010/haiti-earthquake-reactions . Powerful Jon Stewart clip. Great lesson on what should be compassionate journalism.
Hope you feel better soon. I greatly enjoy your blog and am always touched by your courage and strength.
peace, hope and love,
Lily
This too will pass. As I too am facing difficult times right now, I have to continually remind myself that this too will pass. That I will feel differently next week. Today marks the ninth anniversary of the disappearance of my son, Douglas Perry Plummer. He was 21 years old and he seemingly has simply vanished from the face of the earth and the police were not able nor willing to help me. He is considered “Missing Endangered”, but he is not a priority and was of legal age, so he can be missing if he wants to be according to local law enforcement. You buried a friend this week Duncan and you feel such a need to be there for others; especially those suffering in Haiti, but allow yourself some time to grieve for the devastation in your life. I have never allowed myself that gift in the loss of my son, my mother, or my brother, my greatest persecutor, other than myself. You are loved and supported by so many here on earth, and so many more angels. Give yourself a break. It doesn’t all have to be done today, or even tomorrow. Much love. In all sincerity, Annie
My husband gets overwhelmed sometimes and then just becomes paralyzed. My advice to him, when he feels that way, is to pick one thing for the day to accomplish and don’t think about anything else for that day.
To Annie: I’m not particularly religious, but anything I can offer up in the form of positive energy, I offer to you and your son. Peace.
Duncan, It is simple. If you, me, and someone we call “Joe” lived in a village of 50 people, and 47 of them were dying of thirst, we would have to go retrieve water. As we head towards the river we spot a tiger on the other side of the river, way in the distance. I scream “TIGER” and take off way to soon. You and Joe continue. The tiger now spots you guys and starts charging. It jumps in the river and onto your side of land after you. At this point Joe takes off. You still proceed even though the tiger is angrily staring you in the face. The tiger jumps on you and then you decide to run. It’s too late. When your “sober” you are running away too soon. When you are using you’re not acknowleging the tiger. You have to be “Joe”. You have to be there for the water. Fear is only real when you accept it. It is projected by others. Ignore it as a brain misfire. Fear=anxiety=lack of focus= cocaine, sex, hoarding, ocd, etc.(aka the tiger). Google Randolph Nesse. He is a evolutionary psychologist at the University of Michigan.
Everyone hurts sometimes. Try not to dwell on it too much and absolutely don’t go down the path of something is wrong with you. In fact, everything is right with you! My advice: Play in the rain. Take the dogs and go for a walk and let the rain splash on your face. Let the dogs revel in their dogness and that will surely lighten your mood. Life will look a lot different when you return to your cozy home.
BTW: I don’t think there is a prayer limit…so pray away! Someone is waiting to hear from you!
Wait, I take it back. Don’t go out in the rain right now…there’s a sever weather alert telling people to stay inside and batten down the hatches. Stay safe!