Lil Dog in the Snow
I attended my first acting class this evening in a squalid theatre on the east side. Sixteen of us, two of us were over the age of 35, Mary-Elizabeth and me.
As I sat listening to the instructor I was so frightened it almost took my breath away. I had an allergic reaction to the fear. My throat closing, my face flushed, my knuckles swollen.
I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want anyone to see how clumsy and inept I am.
Yet, after a few minutes, I began to feel comfortable and after 30 minutes I was totally at peace. The instructor encouraged us to make fools of ourselves and I relished the opportunity. The instructor told us that we would feel insulted, that we shouldn’t THINK. He told us to ‘go with the feelings’ he insisted that we didn’t manufacture jokes. That we learn to cut each other slack. The youngsters didn’t know how to do that-to look after each other. Mary-Elizabeth and I knew how to make space for the others because we came from a different time in space.
After the first 30 minutes I could no longer hear the internal critic-you know the one-the one who tells you you are a bad writer, bad person for trying. He looks at me knowingly, with my grand mothers eyes, wanting to know who the fuck I am to think I can TRY. Who told you that you could TRY? Could fight back? Could make art? Who told you?
WHO?
The others were very cautious of me. I liked that I understood their caution. I understood them. They were so frail and sensitive. Not the two old farts. We weren’t frail or sensitive. We were just having fun. You could see that they were sniggering at me but I just didn’t care.
I was having a blast.
Some of them, the others, some of them sparkled, some of them were just lousy. I knew immediately that I was lousy. I knew I was bad but I didn’t care. I didn’t have any shame whatsoever this evening.
Tonight the class was about freeing my soul not tethering it to shame.
We poured out onto the cold street laughing and happy.
What a great, fluid, genuine post! I love hearing your thoughts streaming aloud like that; unscripted and free.
“Tonight the class was about freeing my soul not tethering it to shame.”
Congrats, my friend. You’ve made it on the Melissa quote board. (I’m sure you’re honored). 🙂
Keep doing you.
I love Melissa’s words “Keep doing you.”. I echo this sentiment, Duncan!
That’s the thing I find about getting older. I don’t give a shit what people think nearly as much as I used to. That is liberating and almost worth the effects of gravity.
I’m one of those “youngsters” who’s working at quieting the internal critic and just creating, so I appreciate the honesty and reminders to quit thinking and just go with it. Much appreciation.
It is going to be very difficult not to respond to every one of your posts. You must be so much fun to have a conversation with! And yes, getting older definitely has its perks. I would never go back to my teens or twenties, and my fifties are starting out much like you are describing. I love that as we get older we do begin to take care of each other in all kinds of situations, even standing in line at the grocery store. So much friendlier.
By the way, not to brag or anything, but where I live it is -22 degrees Celsius, going down to -36 tomorrow.
Looking forward to your next missive.
Moira
I so admire this freedom — the freedom to play with expression. To be honest, most in the performing industry are artificial and annoying in an unbearable fashion. For an example of this at its worst rent/netflix The Anniversary Party: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0254099/
I’ve learned to read texts critically, very specifically as a literary critic (think PhD not tabloid). I can’t even attempt to perform without dissecting every context or inflection for cultural/historical/contextual meaning, including those multiple ‘overdetermined’ interpretations. It’s paralyzing.
I went to a party recently where everyone was expected to sing, dance, or act out some creative performance. I was so upset I almost walked half-way around the block to vomit. I couldn’t leg go of the voice in my head that would say: your contribution sucks, it’s derivative, lacks creativity, it is missing intellectual depth or complexity.
I don’t smoke and haven’t in 15 years, but these guys were so stoned they never would have remembered to judge me (for better or for worse).
I wish I could give in, and just perform amateur pieces for people who aren’t judging me when the chance presents itself.
those nasty voices in our heads that play over and over and over that we aren’t valuable. how do we turn those off? some part of me knows that i am valuable because i exist, but the louder voice yells at me that i have to be productive and be creative and pretty damn close to perfect in order to merit breath. i know that the truth is that i’m not important enough for others to really even think about me, let alone judge me, and in my head i can think, so what if they do, but it’s like getting kicked in the guts. i long for that freedom also. any time i have just let myself go, reality kicks in with some random comment from anyone, and i fall to my knees to repent that i was having too much fun, or expressing myself through dance, etc…
“Aint nothin’ to it, but to do it.” – Maya Angelou’s summation of how to get out of your own way.
This is off topic to this post but in response to earlier posts where you said you wanted to live off grid. I was watching this video and they have a prototype off grid house in it. It looked really neat, in the desert but no power lines leading to it. It didn’t get into specifics but you could probably google your way to contact information.
http://www.lstudio.com/mystery-location.html
Maybe you can get on Ed Begley, Jr.’s green show. Is that still on? They can retrofit your house. Sorry. OT.
Little Dog is so adorable, I love when you post her pics. She looks so sweet. I have a practicle question. How do you travel (air travel) with her? What do the airlines require, do they put her in the luggage area? If anyone knows please respond, I have a pug that HATES being put at the doggy hotel when we travel. Is there a specific airline that is best for pet travel etc. Thanks
I used to feel such anxiety about speaking in front of my colleagues that if I did manage to get through it, I would start to shake and cry immediately afterward. I have learned to manage and/or let go of that and other fears by becoming aware of my feelings and then stepping away from them mentally. That way, I can look outward and get a more realistic impression of what is going on around me and of the reactions of other people. If the people seem like a highly critical bunch, I may give myself permission not to speak or “perform” in any other way. (That’s another perk about being my age–I don’t do anything I really don’t want to!)
Usually, though, as I look around, I am able to see the differences in people–some are critical, but mostly self-critical, so nothing they think of me is any worse than what they are thinking of themselves. I can be compassionate toward them and therefore less worried about their reactions to me. Most people are kind and will laugh with me if I screw up. And others couldn’t care less, so I am not bothered about them at all.
My mother was quite Victorian, so was my upbringing….so I think I’ve come a long way!
On another note, there has been a great deal of discussion about sexual orientation, confusion and so on. I agree with those who wonder why it matters that we find a specific place on the spectrum or a name to call ourselves. My main interest/concern is how our actions as adults and parents can confuse and hurt our children’s natural development. One of the things that REALLY confused me was that I read my father’s Playboy magazines when I was about 12 or 13. Of course, everything was portrayed from a particular point of view. The stories were all depicted from the male’s angle, so to speak, so that is how I visualized sex. I was rarely able to fantasize from a female perspective, until I’d had a lover or three. What made it all the more confusing, when I was younger, was that I much prefer(ed) sex with men, but was often sensually aroused by beautiful women as well. It is, in my experience, rare for beauty, sex, and love to comingle in one fabulous, happy partnership, so I am happy to be able to enjoy each on its own merit.
Hmmm….I think I have to take more of my own advice.
Cheers from the frozen north,
Moira
This brings up an interesting point. I remember you on sex rehab saying how you felt self-conscious about the way you throw. You feel people are judging you. From what I remember from a youtube clip, you don’t consider yourself gay per-say, but perhaps bisexual. I’m getting to the interesting bit, just give me a second. Being self-conscious takes a huge toll on someone. I myself have gone through some bad things in my childhood years, and I felt the exact same way as you did. Self-conscious. Nervous. Feeling well, awkward. I got over it. Looking back on my life, my experiences, and the experiences of others, I’ve come to the conclusion that I think that this idea of sexual inadequacy or confusion can be caused by a lack of identity. Even though I didn’t have any specific attraction to a person of the same sex, I still have the idea in my head that I could’ve swung that way had circumstances been a little different, and if I had’ve continued in that course, I could’ve in effect hardwired my brain to function that way, out of sheer compulsive acts.
I commend you Duncan for realizing you have a problem. I say have because I know once an alcoholic.. or any other addict… always an addict.
One thing I have a very hard time tolerating, is people being catty. I see it the most in women, and in gay men, at least in my experience. i didn’t understand why it happens, but now I think I do. I think it does go back with inadequacy, being uncomfortable in one’s own skin, a lack of identity. I once new a man, a teacher, who decided to be a complete prankster, to the degree of humiliating or torturing other people’s psyche’s.. He found it great fun to bash on other people, to laugh at other people’s expense, and for actions like that, who continue in such a way, I have much diminished respect for them as a person. He also targeted me and persecuted me as if I was some second-class citizen, and I resented him for it. I have seen it on so many reality tv shows and in real life, I really do think people who say they are out-and-out gay, have this characteristic, and honestly, I can handle the sexuality issue, but that issue for me is unbearable.
So thank you for showing your English, and ultimately old-school ways of handling people, even if your inward thoughts seem a little aggressive, at least you have courtesy. That is why I actually have been drawn to you – your candor but also your gracefulness in handling other human beings, at least on most occasions. There are a few things that continue to puzzle me about you, but that is immaterial at this point. Know this though, that what I say is genuine, and I don’t want anything from you but to impart knowledge to you, to provoke thoughts. Really, why else would one have a wordpress account if not to start dialogue and provoke insightfulness?