The phone rang at some ungodly hour last night and a very methed out friend of mine called to say that he was having a relationship with a porn star. A ‘chic with a dick’. Worse, he said, he wanted to become a ‘chic with a dick’ himself. He then spoke to me as his ‘other’ incarnation, which was very disturbing as I really thought I was speaking to another person. When he became ‘her’ he sounded like he’d been snorting helium.
He sent me a link to a porn sight where I could see his ‘girl friend’ in action. I declined to open the link even though I was very, very tempted.
Then, quite coincidentally, I received a very angry email from Pater Tatchell the British human rights activist denouncing Quentin Crisp as a homophobe and misogynist. Pater writes:
“Quentin Crisp was a contradictory, infuriating figure. Although astonishingly brave and defiant as an out gay man in the 1930s and 40s, he was later defiantly self-obsessed, homophobic and reactionary. Quentin denounced the gay rights movement and slammed homosexuality as ‘a terrible disease’; adding that ‘the world would be better without homosexuals’. Quentin disparaged homosexuality as an illness, affliction, burden, curse and abnormality. He regarded himself as ‘disfigured’ by his gayness. He never spoke out for gay rights or supported any gay equality cause.”
I was taken aback by the fury of the email simply because the description of Quentin by Peter was so incredibly off. Quentin may have been a very muddled old man when it came to expressing his political views but he was very much a product of his age and time and should be viewed as such. It seems churlish to denounce Crisp simply because he never overcame his shame and self-hatred or learned a contemporary gay polemic.
Shame blighted Quentin Crisp’s life and one can never underestimate the damage toxic shame can cause.
Toxic shame is an all-pervasive sense that one is flawed, worthless and defective as a human being. It is more than just a fleeting feeling of unworthiness; it is an internal sense of falling short. As John Bradshaw says, “A shame based person will guard against exposing his inner self to others, but more significantly, he will guard against exposing himself to himself.”
I have an enormous amount of respect for Peter Tatchell who has routinely risked his life and health for the sake of his beliefs-a little like Quentin Crisp. Peter and Quentin have profoundly influenced my thinking during the past 30 years-even though they come from such politically diverse places. Quentin may have said some very stupid things but what he did empowered boys like me to be true to themselves.
Finally, dear readers, let’s chat momentarily about the banks. I think we can all agree that the banks have fucked us over?
Can we?
The loyalty most of you have toward the banks will never be reciprocated. They don’t give a damn about you. The last thing the banks need is another wave of toxic assets. By cynically creating my very own I may do myself a favor.
Before the banks behaved so abominably I would never have thought so irresponsibly. Now, frankly, I don’t care. They have shown utter contempt for the trust that was placed in them by ordinary, working people.
If any of you are foolish enough to believe that the credit rating system will not be recalibrated then think twice. As soon as the banks are ready to do business again they will manipulate the credit rating system, that you all seem to blindly respect, to suit themselves.
Lastly…
Apparently, according to NPR this morning, scientists are working on a pill for people who feel socially excluded.
Bring it on.
I must agree with your point about Crisp. The times were different and he had every right to feel the shame and despair he felt by being someone different from the supposed norm. One cannot help but be affected by such treatment. It is what molds our psyche and makes us who we are. That said, who knows for sure if his comments were actually serious? Many of the things he said in his later life were intentionally controversial and cannot be taken at face value.
Of course, you’re right about the banks. But, do you have to broadcast it? You don’t even know who your followers are. If you think the banks screwed you/us, what do you think the tabloid press could do with this? After all, you’re a celebrity now. I can just imagine what some self-righteous fan who doesn’t get it might feel morally-bound to do with this. \
Please examine your motives carefully. Of course, you should have been on Oprah, obviously. But do you want to win by becoming tabloid fodder, picked up by the Right?
Please: Pick up Richard Bach’s Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah and pay particular attention to the movie-watching part. You’re a director–you’ll take like a fish to water to the We Create Your Reality meme. You are at a fork in the road. Please choose your precious inner child moment-to-moment and continue swimming upstream. If you must share, share with the people you know and trust. There are thousands of us swimming aongside you. And, yes I know it’s hard and lonely, but it is happening. Surround yourself with care. Sincerely hoping you trust this. Oh and trusting someone is all about trusting yourself–it took me years to learn that one. (I did respond to your feelings are not facts entry.) Blessings. Peace.
the fact that you were tempted yet didnt act on the temptation is a sign of how far youve come. And id still love to say fck the banks, seems like they have been screwing us, and some of the smartest financial minds today will tell you, PAY IN CASH.
Which im doing, if i have no cash, then i do not buy it.NO more credit or debit.Its hard!Many stores have gone to credit or debit only to keep themselves afloat, or one must run in a foot of snow to go inside to pay cash.AND I HATE SNOW ;).
Love reading you here Duncan, its some thing new and fresh and thought provoking every day.
Duncan,
We’re all molded in some manner, some of us gently – in loving families, some stamped into form in far less caring environs. The snippet of your strife, shared on TV, was quite powerful. I’m sure that I can’t even begin to imagine the reality you faced nor the struggle you’ve borne throughout the years. I’m amused by the running commentaries offered by others, everyone has an opinion; not one of them right or worth the powder. I found you interesting and likable on the show, I’m sure your true friends are blessed in knowing you. Hope you hold strong, cheers, and all the best for you in 2010.
Regards.
W.
Quentin Crisp did a lot for his time lest us remember that unless we lived in his shoes we do not know what pressures he may have faced.
As for the banks I could go on for hours. As a single mom who lives week to week I am no fan of financial institutions, truth be told I think they run more governments than the crappy politicians we seem to elect. They make their own laws and rules. When they have recovered enough they will juggle the system so it lines their pockets and we will be headed right to the brink of disaster again. They are not the same as the banks that people imagine in their head this is not “It’s A Wonderful Life”. I have learned from necessity to not live on credit. Sure I secretly one day dream of being able to just walk into a store and blow money like it was plastic, but have learned I really get just as much pleasure from people watching or going for a walk to really look around me.
Great job on not opening the email sobriety is a tough thing keep your mind busy and find joy in things that are around you.
i wish i knew you.
Duncan – What I know about Quentin is that he is a very dear citizen of his queer generation who suffered a lot and tried to put a good face on – I have nothing but love and affection for him. I have always seen him as my dear Gramma – and why are the current critics dissing our esteemed forebears for actually suffering? Is it now politically incorrect to suffer in the context of an often cruel environment? Especially cruel from our own kind? Whatever “our kind” is…
Watched your film AKA tonight courtesy of Netflix. Nuanced and sensitive – very much your take on the world. What struck me most consistently is your essential goodness. Best, LR
Re-read this post today. Had not seen the Freudian mis-spell the first time.
You, dear man, are CHIC, with a “deek”.
It’s your poor friend who is considering becoming a CHICK with a dick.
Gotta laugh in the midst of tragedy…
Really like the picture of you with this blog post!
I love the dreamy silhouette that you included with this post. I also love that you didn’t give into temptation when presented with an option to backslide back into addiction. Setting boundaries is a difficult thing when you weren’t raised with any & you seem to be doing quite well. I’m hoping things get better & easier & really good for you, Duncan. You deserve it. Don’t laugh. You deserve good things. Do you believe me?
Hello Duncan, just wanted to say I enjoy your blog for many reasons. First: I enjoyed Sex Rehab. To me the show was about people revealing their heartbreak and wounds and beginning to heal. So, it’s not a sad show for me. Except for the Kari-anne divertissement.
Second: I enjoy reading the Queen’s English. In a world of “aks you a question” and “conversate” and “disrespecting me”; I like reading your proper word usage. Your use of the word churlish delighted me. I haven’t heard or read that word since an episode of “Frasier.”
Third: let’s face it, you have a lot to say and I enjoy your POV.
Marilee
RE: ” scientists are working on a pill for people who feel socially excluded.” Don’t we all feel socially excluded from time to time? Also, didn’t they market Paxil that way? I think they said Paxil cures “social anxiety disorder” or something like that about ten years ago.
You should check out a movie called
“tuning in”
I think you might be interested Duncan!
I think it’s time.
Joshiah.com
kryon.com