Sometime I wake up as if from a nightmare but the nightmare is the day ahead.

Someone commented yesterday that they would rather read about sex than money.  Yet, the same issues spring from both.  Shame, fear and resentment.   When I hang out with my very rich friends I come away feeling like I could have done better.

Most of my rich friends were either born that way or have handsome divorce settlements.

As the New Year approaches I am beginning to worry about what comes next – even though I know that the universe has and always will look me after.  I want more.   Yet, what do I do to get it?   I enjoyed the relatively simple occupation of Reality TV.   Just be oneself and do the work of being oneself.

The conundrum I have always had in sobriety-how can one be ambitious yet with gentle optimism hand over the reigns of ones life to God?  How?

Dinner with Anna last night.  She cooked linguine and aubergine mille feuille.   Delicious.  I tried wearing a huge, Russian inspired ensemble but as it turned out there were only four of us at the table and I felt like a bit of a prat.

When I got back to the car Luna had spent the hour tearing apart the rest of the passenger seat.  Very distressing.

I must confide in you, dear blog, that I am trying to be optimistic about self-sufficiency.  I would prefer to be doing it with some one.  Being on ones own and making another project happen on ones own can be very, very depressing.

So, as well as becoming self-sufficient I may stop paying my mortgage.  The house is worth 30% less than what I paid for it.  Perhaps, like many Americans, I should negotiate a reduction in principle.  Yet, the only way to do that seems to be to force the hand of the bank by not paying ones mortgage.

It’s a miserable option.