I have not seen the final episode of sex rehab. I may not. It merely conflicts with the experience I had whilst I was there.
My memories of being in Rehab are wonderful, but wonderful is not real life.
Perhaps it can be? Maybe that’s the point? Or do I trade in tragedy like some trade carbon credits?
Don’t expect some elegant summation of the past two months because there is none, not from me anyway. I have written everything there is to write.
Since we set those sleepy doves free for the finale of Sex Rehab I have been traveling.
I went to England, to my hometown of Whitstable, and sat outside Dave’s deli drinking delicious espresso and eating custard tarts. In her famous oyster bar my old friend Delia Fitt opened native oysters and I reacquainted myself with friends who had a place in their heart just for me.
The Little Dog and I have been to New York and Paris and taken a ship across the English Channel so he could sit on my lap. I stayed in Battersea with my friend Melanie de Blank and I walked all over London for a month losing a ton of weight.
Life was not without it’s challenges.
Whilst I was in Paris I called my dear friend John, bitterly complaining as I had seen a young man in the Tuileries who had shown interest in me. I had walked away. It was infuriating. Is this what my life was now-to walk away from the main chance? Walking away from sex was not going to be as easy as walking away from drugs and alcohol.
I was in such a beastly funk. I called him so that he might congratulate me for doing the right thing. I wanted a fucking AWARD. He asked me where I was and I gruffly told him that I was in Place de la Concorde.
He said, simply, “Look around you, Duncan.”
I was standing in one of the most beautiful places on earth. I had forgotten momentarily to enjoy the greatest benefit of sobriety, to be present right here and right now.
My funk was instantaneously lifted.
Before the gift of sexual sobriety I went into every situation with an intention. The intention was not to have a great time but to meet, intrigue, seduce. Once that was gone, once the intention and the damage that thinking causes had been revealed I could truly enjoy myself.
I don’t want you to think that I sit around indulging the tragedy. I don’t. I am looking for all of the beauty that life has to offer. Every day!
When I got sober from drugs and alcohol I was delighted by the simple pleasure of feeling the autumn breeze on my face.
I have seen many people die of the disease of addiction but as I tried to explain to someone today, each death re-confirms that I have chosen life and I must take it and live it. Every death, every relapse another man has reminds me to stay sober.
I have a very short memory. I need to be reminded..over and over again.
My public rehabilitation is over. The show is done. The cast and crew have gone their separate ways. The relationships forged whilst in rehab are now to dust and that is only right. We are no longer performers in a show-we are in life.
I am alive because I set aside my preoccupation with death and with some gift of courage and with a stroke of love, forgave myself. I have lived in so much fear all my life! Now, I am certain, it does seem feasible not to be afraid.
And what of these ugly sisters: Shame, Resentment and Fear. No, no more. Thank you.
The future seemed so uncertain, but I don’t live there anymore, not tomorrow or yesterday.
As for films and novels and the like, there is a backlog of them just waiting to be written. They were waiting patiently whilst I concentrated on beating you all up with my past.
So, let me make you a promise: there will be no more films, novels or poetry that examine and re-examine my traumatic past.
No more collusion with the past.
Tomorrow I am going to write about other things. I am going to write about life!
Good luck Duncan.
I’m so happy for you, Duncan. You deserve only the best that life has to offer. *hugs*
Good for you, Duncan! You have shown remarkable courage during this part of your journey. Be encouraged! LIVE and ENJOY the healthy, positive things that life has to offer. Your heart is beautiful!
Blessings!
Thank you Duncan, as always
Godspeed my friend. ❤
Thank you! I love to hear that you are looking towatds the future and living your life in the present! As I side note, I think it’s so (ok this so North American) cute that Little Dog gets a ticket that says Chien on it. In North America animals are treated like cargo. In France they are treated as beloved companions!
I do wish you luck and have enjoyed your writings…but I have to say I am disappointed by your fickle nature. One minute you speak of Jennie like she’s your best friend, your sister from another mister, and then *poof* the relationship is dust? It’s one thing to say that you’re going through a bump in the road…but to turn on and off like a light is unhealthy. Just my opinion and please don’t hate me for saying so. I say let people in and out easily…be permeable like a cell wall. Don’t hold on to anyone and anything too tightly. It’s harder than it sounds though.
Its been a learning experience for me watching you adapt and grow. Thank you and I look forward to reading all that you write! God bless
thank you as always Duncan for allowing us to “travel” with you, from the depths of your anguish to the smile of yours that could light up the world. You deserve all the happiness and more.Its lovely seeing your battle won.
Duncan, I have been reading your blog and this entry is my favorite. It is written with positive and joyful redemption. The reminder we all need in our lives.
Duncan,
Good luck. Your intelligence and kindness kept me watching the show. I don’t think I would have continued following the show without your presence & supplemental blog.
Thank you Duncan for sharing your journey with us. It has meant alot to me and I looked forward to reading it everyday.
Don’t forget where you came from, it will keep you grateful and is God’s little reminder of where we can go again.
You deserve to be free of fear, anger and resentment. Embrace your joy and take all of our well wishes with you.
Lots of hugs
“And what of these ugly sisters: Shame, Resentment and Fear. No, no more. Thank you.” This struck a chord with me. I think they are beautiful and want to write them everywhere.
I know I have said it before but thank you so much for sharing. I beleive that our culture (well here in America anyway) has forced us to shut up about whatever is real and just package our feelings and thoughts in a way that seems pleasing to others. But we forget about what happens when we really share with each other. In being honest about what we feel and what has happened to us and how it has changed us we find hope, inspiration, courage, forgiveness and brotherhood. Thank you, Duncan, for everything.
I saw that three ugly sisters reference and was reminded of The Furies, Ερινυες. Very nice.
Well, as I already shared on Twitter it has been amazing to watch you move through the first stages of the recovery process with such grace. Your words have really touched me. And while I joked in my last tweet about the white sweater (which truly is fantastic) I think that the small revelations that were shared on the show, and more importantly the large revelations that you share about recovery here on this blog, have been inspirational to many. I can say with certainty that they have been an encouragement to me.
I’ve commented here before but will say again that sex and love addiction is a powerful, destructive force. My husband has been in recovery for sex addiction for 7 years now and I am honored to be on the journey toward wholeness with him. The work he has done leaves me speechless. What you wrote about shame, fear, and resentment is so true. And as you well know, the freedom and peace and joy that comes when you free yourself from these three sisters is nothing short of a miracle.
Thank you for sharing your miracle.
Congrats! Freedom awaits. Via con Dios.
Every time I watch a show on recovery, my prayer is that it can truly work. Reading this give me that hope.
But I’m always left wondering…
Duncan, I have watched you on Sex Rehab and I am not sure if you actually read these comments to your blog, but I hope that you read this one. when I watched you break down that day talking about your past…you helped in my healing. I have been plagued with guilt and pain since I was a young girl with some things that happened. I have prayed for God to forgive me and I know He did the Minute I asked Him, but I have NEVER been able to forgive myself. Weeks leading up to seeing that episode, I had prayed that the Lord would help me to release that guilt I felt for soooo many years…and He did. As I watched you tell your story and breakdown, something broke in me…I felt for you and somehow I FELT for ME…I had always thought of myself as a horrible and wrong…but being there with you…I finally saw and felt like I could forgive myself. Everytime I think of those things now, I don’t carry the HUGE guilt that would flood my whole being when they came to mind. I have forgiven myself and I am FREE. You know it says in John 8:36 Who the SON sets FREE is FREE indeed!! and in Galatians 5:1 it talks about not being entangled again with the yoke of bondage. So I am FREE and I AM NOT GOING BACK TO THE BONDAGE…It is a God thing for me (I don’t know where you are with that, but that is up to you)….but YOUR choice to go on that show, helped God heal me. So thank you…I am changed forever. You are an awesome man, I pray that you find peace and great love….be blessed!!
Thank you for reminding all of us that sometimes you need to stop and take in our beautiful surroundings, just like in Paris.
🙂 Beautiful. Every time you choose life over death is a rebirth!!
Though I don’t really believe that your past will cease to inform your future work, I applaud your intention to choose forward-looking themes. You’ll always be partly what you were, and what you survived, but it need never be the sole, the whole, or in control.
The show gave you some new tools (and allies) to help in healing, and creating. All in all, that’s why it was worth it despite the mangled narrative.
It’s good to see you feeling more heroic. It suits you well. I’ll be cheering for you and looking for your new works.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. It takes stones to go through the recovery process in such a public manner as this. I agree with many of the others that you’ve handled it with grace. I think you are one of the most eloquent writers I’ve ever run across. You’ve been honest without isolating people and I applaud you for it.
While my own story is different for many reasons, reading about your experiences, has helped give me assurance that I can walk the path I need to take and helps me know that I am not alone.
I also agree and think it wise to quit discussing your past that was the show, and move forward. Like my father likes to say “Its time to kick this pop stand and get on down the road”. I very much look forward to your future writings.
The RedHeaded Rambler
I too look forward to your writings. Like every reality TV show, the reality may have been somewhat altered on Sex Rehab. You, as a cast member, may cringe at the manipulative editing for rating’s sake which may taint the true essence of your rehab experience. However, you and your compatriots’ courageous participation on the show opened the doors to a subject that needed to be discussed. It was about time! In that regard the show is monumental, and today I am grateful that you have shared a part of your journey with me. Thank you again and again.
Congratulations and Good Luck. You will continue to grow and learn and be successful because you want to. You deserve to. You are a good person and you deserve to be happy.
You are so fabulous…I only watched the show because of you..
Ahhh… Joni! A lonely painter who lives in a box of paints – ungrateful with her teeth sunk in the hand that brings her things she really cant give up just yet – she spent her whole life at icy altitudes – but where would we be without her? So much genius & inspiration all around, in spite of suffering.
No matter how long you’re alive it’s not nearly as long as you’re going to be dead so why rush things?
Richard Pryor
My father was a psychiatrist who specialized in chemical dependency so I’ve watched all of these silly “Celeb Rehab” shows for a glimpse, no matter how small, into the professional life he was unable to talk about at home. I am thrilled for this wretched installment that brought you into my living room – in your most sensationalized incarnation, I cheered for you and now I’ve been thrilled to find your blog and see that you are even more glorious and more worthy of routing for than we viewers at home got to see! I wish you lots of luck in your recovery and look forward to reading more.
Simply gorgeous Duncan! How many people who haven’t been through what you have fail to see the beauty that surrounds them- and also within them? We get so caught up in the bullshit daily grind and dramas and our own egos that we miss so much.
I’m glad you are moving past the show. It may seem trite but I think of that line from Rent “no day but today”. Your possibilities are endless! Fly free!
I wish you nothing but the best Mr. Roy. Safe Journey and Merry Christmas :-).
How you doing Duncan, It is from my heart that I want you be happy, and you inspire me to be truly happy…and I am going to try to do just that..all the best Duncan, you are my Hero.
Thank you for your openness, Duncan. I wish you the absolute best, and all the happiness you can stand.
I watched all the episodes of Sex Rehab online over the past two days. I was touched by the way your cared for the other people in there with you such as Kendra and Jenny, and it really seemed like you TRULY cared about them and THEY truly cared about YOU. I believe that they cared about you, but it’s horrible that you say that all those relationships turned to “dust”, when in one episode I specifically remember you crying saying if it wasn’t for Jenny you wouldn’t have been able to get through it. I know it’s a reality show but I really believed those relationships were real, and they gave me hope for friendships in general, but now you say they are fake, which is honestly kind of messed up. Are you even going to continue treatment now? I honestly do not understand your reasoning at all. Also you told Kari Ann in one episode that she could always call you, I guess that was a lie too. Maybe I’m sounding a little over emotional, but things like that really bug me. I know you most likely won’t, but please respond to this if you get a chance. Sorry if I sounded rude or anything.
Thanks,
Justin
Justin-
He addresses many of your concerns about his fellow clients/patients/inmates/celebrities in another blog, titled, “Amber, Jennie, Phil, James…”
Although I do -completely- agree with the other things you said in that post. It was just the one thing I mentioned above that bothered me so much. Otherwise though, the rest of this post is very inspirational and I do appreciate it very much.
Justin
in the past quarter century i have heard many an eloquent former drunk. sadly, many of them used their eloquence to mask their pain, shame or confusion. in many of those cases it cost them their sobriety and/or their lives. i am not suggesting for a second that this is you. i AM saying, take care, lest it happen to you. don’t be afraid, or to prideful to do, in effect, what you have been doing. share wherever you actually are with us, if not us, with your core recovery network and/or your sponsor.
i have told my sponsees and myself that i would not do as i have seen to many old farts in AA do, and waft serene sobriety at the masses and then walk quietly into the woods and off themselves. if i were to be considering self harm, i would be talking about it vigorously to all who would listen.
so far i have gotten through some might hard days that way. H O W my friend, as i consider you such.
jack