I have not been up Runyon yet but when I do I will write my blog.
Today I wanted to write about being fucked in the ass by a woman wearing a strap on dildo whilst whispering filthy things in my ear. That happened on Whitstable beach 15 years ago. The woman is now a lesbian of the sexual opportunistic variety and now lives here in LA. Whenever we meet we look at each other coyly because some things are better left unsaid, unexplored, unrevisited which does not seem to be a real word. I have never been so turned on. I was never ever so turned on again. It was far too scary a prospect to admit that this was what I wanted. It wasn’t MEN at all. I wanted a lesbian with a dildo to fuck me so hard I couldn’t sit down for a week and tell me that she was going to fuck me harder. What would my Christian readers think of that? That’s almost heterosexual isn’t it?
Okay, I’ll write my blog now.
Some of you will be delighted to hear that Jennie and I are scarcely talking. Her and her best friend Eric-my ex best friends can be now found ensconced in his apartment night after night watching mad men and baking cookies. When I first introduced them he told me that he had had fantasies about her as Penny Flame-that she was one of his ‘girls’. Now she bakes him cookies for Christmas.
I had a dream about Jennie: that she was fucking me in the ass with a dildo but she was crying. It was making her cry. I begged her not to cry like I tried to placate my mother when she cried.
I think I might turn off my blog comments after this. I no longer look at the VH1 ‘boards’ (or any other board for that matter) and I am not reading the comments that are fast attaching themselves, like barnacles to a schooner, to my Daily Beast article.
I want to respond! I want to say, ‘now hold on just one God damned moment! You can’t say that about me!’ I want to tell them forcefully that I really do need to believe in God if I am going to stay sober in a 12-step programme. That I really don’t own a TV because I will just LOOK at it 24/7. That if these people were British I would be heartbroken but they are not, they can’t touch me…
But I am touched. Touched by the kind and delicate words of support, of love, of admiration.
Then I realize that I am so damned lucky to be writing things that so many people read. That those poor people who write those comments good and bad seldom get heard by anyone ever! It’s easy to be indignant, to misunderstand that their lives are not just about unsolicited comments written on anonymous boards and attached to other peoples work.
So, Jennie and I drifted apart like many other Hollywood romances. She was the first porn star I ever met. She is so damned strong and competitive and sure of herself. She helped me and I helped her-it was pretty equal. My dog was killed and she drove me to the hospital. She was stuck in the valley and I helped her move.
I complained to John this morning that I felt the help I had given Jennie was disproportionate and that I deserved more than this! More than to be excluded from Jennie and Eric’s love nest. I was complaining over Panatone French toast in Cecconi on Robertson. I dipped the toast into vanilla flavored crème fresh.
The irony was not lost on me.
John called me Henry Higgins and laughed. He calls me Henry Higgins when I begin to resent those I help. This isn’t the first time I’ve found a flower girl on the street and made a bet that I can turn her into a world-class ingénue.
We laughed because life is good, the sun is shining and I don’t want to watch Mad Men with Eric and Jennie any more.
I don’t want to be in the problem-I want to be in the solution.
However I do rather fancy myself as Rex Harrison, Audrey Hepburn/Jennie storming around the apartment building singing this:
Julie Andrews singing this song for Jennie
Just you wait, ‘enry ‘iggins, just you wait!
You’ll be sorry, but your tears’ll be to late!
You’ll be broke, and I’ll have money;
Will I help you? Don’t be funny!
Just you wait, ‘enry ‘iggins, just you wait!
Just you wait, ‘enry ‘iggins, till you’re sick,
And you scream to fetch a doctor double-quick.
I’ll be off a second later And go straight to the the-ater!
Oh ho ho, ‘enry ‘iggins, just you wait!
Ooooooh ‘enry ‘iggins!
Just you wait until we’re swimmin’ in the sea!
Ooooooh ‘enry ‘iggins!
And you get a cramp a little ways from me!
When you yell you’re going to drown I’ll get dressed
and go to town! Oh ho ho, ‘enry ‘iggins!
Oh ho ho, ‘enry ‘iggins! Just you wait!
One day I’ll be famous! I’ll be proper and prim;
Go to St. James so often I will call it St. Jim!
One evening the king will say:
“Oh, Liza, old thing,
I want all of England your praises to sing.
Next week on the twentieth of May
I proclaim Liza Doolittle Day!
All the people will celebrate the glory of you
And whatever you wish and want I gladly will do.”
“Thanks a lot, King” says I, in a manner well-bred;
But all I want is ‘enry ‘iggins ‘ead!”
“Done,” says the King with a stroke.
“Guard, run and bring in the bloke!”
Then they’ll march you, ‘enry ‘iggins to the wall;
And the King will tell me: “Liza, sound the call.”
As they lift their rifles higher, I’ll shout:
“Ready! Aim! Fire!”
Oh ho ho, ‘enry ‘iggins,
Down you’ll go, ‘enry ‘iggins!
Just you wait!
I heart you darling Duncan. Take good care of yourself and the hell with anyone’s opinions! ❤
Well, I guess you won’t be reading this Duncan but you bring tears to my eyes. I feel like I’m growing right along with you.
I understand your feelings about helping. That’s why I became a nurse. But there comes a time when you have to let go for their benefit as well as your own.
Huge hugs.
Just you do you, ultimately we all can only control ourselves and make choices for ourselves, no one else. Maybe just taking a step back is smart. this shouldnt be so important. you are much more important than this noise and this show.
Awesome Post. Thank you.
I’m so sorry you are feeling left out, Duncan. At least you are expressing your hurt by writing instead of by acting out in an unhealthy way. You’ve been honest for the most part, despite losing your focus when addictions imprisoned you. Jennie’s had a BIG problem with her authenticity that she is now trying to correct.
Every character in Mad Men is pressured to be inauthentic, and suffers dire consequences as a result. She’s learning from it, and like Miss Doolittle she thirsts for something that will make her “a real laidy”. She’s still an unpolished jewel. You are (by comparison) already multi-faceted and set in a sceptre.
And I’m glad to see you are thinking of songs!
Here’s a quote from one I know you know:
“Heart and humor, and humility will lighten up your heavy load.”
BTW, LOVE the snow falling across the blog!
You are upset because you are a serious and thoughtful writer. You resent that she is being given opportunities that you do not believe she has earned yet. You are shocked by this. But you surely understand that her power is the power of narrative. She was a porn star and now she is reforming herself. She is seeking redemption. Who doesn’t love this story?
Take heart, your excellence is obvious. And keep working on yourself and love will come. You don’t need it; you deserve it.
And also, I was just telling my husband how much better The Daily Beast is than HuffPo. It simply is. My husband, a sex addict, can’t go there anymore without being confronted w/ soft core porn. Good for clicks, I suppose. Tina Brown is filling a niche for folks looking for a better group of writers. Sure it’s sensationalist too, but her “curated” content is not insulting–at least not as often as other online rags.
duncan I am 24 yr sober and I love you, sometimes I feel unloved and remember that HP loves me like he/she has no other kids and that is enough
some of my ex’s did the best they could, it just wasn’t how ‘I’ wanted to be loved, ha!
Duncan, I am very saddened by today’s post and the Daily Beast article. You obviously are very hurt and angry. I hope you don’t end up regretting lashing out in anger. You have mostly seemed open to the variety of questions and answers in recovery and in sexual identity. Today you seem arrogant and closed-minded about people that have cared about and helped you and people that you have cared about and helped. You suddenly seem tied to absolutes about what are the correct or incorrect ways to: produce television, run a recovery program, participate in 12-step programs or try to recover. I am hoping this is a momentary reaction. Until today, I have enjoyed reading your blog, I hope you find your way out of this dark place.
Wow this has to be the most powerful post I have seen is a long time.I am sittinng on my couch stunned, sad, and curious.The laws of attraction can be completely fucked up at times- I completely get that.
As long as you can take care of yourself first then things will be OK. Cutting or at least loosening ties with friends is the hardest thing to do, but it does seem to work out in your benefit – thank god for therapy!
Best of luck to you and your adorable pooch this Holiday Season.
I get what you are feeling. I will continue following you when I can because while the show was the thing that made me aware of you, the person you are, the continuing journey, is the thing that I am even more aware of now. Since you said you are not reading comments, etc – I will tell you that I really respect you – for many things. Thank you for standing up for yourself and for trying to make people more aware of what was very true, but twisted and exploited and made to seem dramatic in a way that it wasn’t while ignoring the true “drama” that would have helped so many. Thank you for sharing yourself, in any capacity.
Hello Duncan, Obliviously these “Haters” that come on this blog and spread nothing but hate are all quite now since you said you will not be reading or commenting back. They wanted it Duncan and it looks like they got it which is total bullshit! These people are just scum that have no lives and love to get a reaction even if it’s over the internet god knows that they don’t have the balls to talk shit like this in real life! Duncan you are a great soul and hang in there If you ever need to talk feel free to email me. But I wouldn’t let them bother you because of some remarks it just sounds like kids playing on their parents computer. You have got to be by far the most deepest blogger in history man! Riff.
Duncan, I’m really sorry that you and Jennie have drifted apart. Only because I saw in your relationship (as much as I’ve read) was much like mine with many of my exes (okay, one in particular): You had a female best friend.
I wish she was here to finish this comment for me (because she could). But I am left with a sadness for you.
I wish I was as good a writer of things as you are. But then I block myself because I don’t publicly want to give anything away.
Keep on, Duncan.
Duncan, I am sober 18 mos from cocaine, presently recovering 25 yr battle w/ an ED.
Despite the manipulations and sensationalizing present in the production of Sex Rehab, for me, seeing ANYONE going through a recovery process emphasizes the positive choices I have to make each day. However watered down the message may be, it is still getting out. I read your blog avidly,each day that you write, and look forward to more Duncan with anticipation.
Duncan,
Please know that no matter how producers edit the show or try to turn real therapy into entertainment, your genuineness shines through. Those who identify with you and your struggles come here to understand you better. I assure you, your message is presented so much more eloquently in your own words.
I have been helped immeasurably by your voice even though I am not gay, but I am a sex addict.
I guess this shows that, as people, what makes us the same is far more powerful than what makes us different.
Peace, Duncan.
More power to you, buddy. I’ve walked in your shoes for maybe a quarter mile, not the whole way, but I can relate to a lot of what you’ve gone through and are still going through. I just now read your Daily Beast article and then discovered this blog. I understand your motivations for doing the show and your feelings about the final result. What you did took major balls. My point is this: Watching you tell your story and go through that process, however diluted it was in the editing process, helped me. So I don’t know just – thank you. It helped me. Stay strong.
ill keep this short by just saying..you are undoubtedly an inspiration.
<3sam
Poor am I that reads you blog and loves every minute of it. Poor am I that sees you posting naked for all of us to see (metaphorically of course). Poor am I that sits as a bug on the wall of your daily therapy. I feel so poor as I relish every post and cannot wait until tomorrow. Courage, even behind a keyboard is to be applauded.
Holy crap!! I had been away for 2 days and I couldn’t believe it. My first thought was sadness. Sadness for the both of you. After thinking about it all I can say is you have to do what is best for YOU. It’s not about anyone else but YOU. YOU are the most important person. YOU need to be strong. YOU need to be healthy. YOU are loved by a lot of people, including me. I have never met you but I wish I could. While I don’t currently have any addictions (I am a middle aged housewife in Ohio) I really enjoy reading about you and all you have done and all you are doing to be the great person that you truly are. Be selfish, think about yourself.
Your an amazing man, and dont every forget that. People will come and go in your life, but the ones that stay are the ones worth concentrating on. Out of all the celebrities on the show, I loved watching how you grew as a person. Anybody would be lucky to call you a friend, and just remember when you are going through difficult times, that is when you know who your true friends are. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, and I hope you have a wonderful 2010, because you deserve it.
Duncan,
I hate to hear that Jennie & you are no longer friends. However, if she refuses your calls, fuck her. I would be happy to have a friend like you…direct, thoughtful, SEXY (*wink*), & fun-loving. Of course, these are the things I’ve noted from watching you on Sex Rehab & in reading your blog. I don’t know you in real life, but I know other awesome gay men like you. I think all of you are awesome…Henry Higgins personalities & all. 🙂
I am one of your Christian readers (THE one perhaps?) – albeit a rather liberal one- and I loved this post. Brilliant.