I get asked all of the time what the other guys in Sex Rehab were like to live with. You know, we shot the show so long ago I almost forgot but I’ll tell you my impression of all of them here.
Frankly if I hadn’t been on the show I would never, ever have met any of them. All of them were out of my social or geographical orbit. I was only one degree of separation from Amber as it turned out but still, I don’t think we would have ever made time to get to know each other.
Nobody smelt badly except maybe James when he arrived. Nobody had appalling table manners. Everybody was mostly courteous, kind and inclusive-even Kari Ann. Remember the way the show is edited tends to exploit the best and the worst of who we are.
Whilst I was there I hung out mostly with Jennie and Kendra but I had long and involved conversations with almost everyone. Why did I hang out so much with Jennie? What was it about her that I loved so much? Well, for a start, she is hungry for life, for education and for new ways of thinking. She devoured ideas and suggestions, she listened when I mooted Film School and I still believe that if she plays her cards right there is nothing that she couldn’t do.
Jennie has the correct balance of ambition and talent and the show opened a door into her hidden soul. Listen, do I love her painting? No, but I respect her for getting up every day and picking up a paintbrush. Do I think she errs toward overblown prose? Yes, but she is a 26 year old ex-porn star starting over with a huge amount to learn, look at and consider. With consultation she will get exactly where she needs to be.
There are still dark forces determined to unsettle her, unseat her ambition, and refuse to let Penny Flame forget where she has come from. These vile bodies write vicious posts on her blog, they rewrite her wikipedia page. I am well aware of these embittered, desperate people-they try to do the same to me but they can’t touch me now because, in the words of Quentin Crisp, I am one of the stately Homo’s of England.
There was so much time where we did nothing in Rehab and by nothing I mean no group, no therapy, no planned activity. We mostly filled our time playing dominoes or cards. Nicole was a genius at dominoes so I’ll start with her.
1.
Jennie and Nicolle really did not get on very well. They shared a room but there was a tension that bubbled up between them and actually came to a head as we were standing in line off camera moments before we filed into Rehab Graduation. I didn’t and still don’t understand their gripe but I suggest it has something to do with class and pre-history. Nicole is one classy broad, elegant, chic, fierce. One of those gals who came to Hollywood in search of that ‘Hollywood Dream’ and ended up being one of it’s finest victims. Her Colin Farrell sex tape caused her to feel tremendous shame and ultimately isolated her from her friends and family. She faced Hollywood’s dark forces head on. Sex tapes are so often a double-edged sword, nobody really knows who, if anyone, will benefit. What I found out from most of the women I shared time in Sex Rehab with was just how many of them had sex tapes with celebrities squirreled away for a rainy day.
2.
Kendra and Lucas are the sweetest couple and live with hundreds of rescued dogs and cats in a sprawling house in Northridge. Kendra has devoted her life beyond ‘Kendra the Stripper’ to helpless animals and causes that fight injustice head on. Whatever may or may not happen to our friendship I know in my heart that she will always be there for me. She is the sort of woman who stops at the side of the freeway to open an abandoned cardboard box in search of kittens and puppies. She rescued my dog Luna twenty minutes before Luna was going to be destroyed. She has a huge, huge heart but seldom makes room in it for herself. I know that her philanthropic life is at odds with what she has to do to earn money. I am sure she is only moments away from the kind of woman she would like to be.
3.
Kari Ann needs to get the fuck away from David Weintraub. Her tendency toward men like him will destroy her life. Now she is Miss VH1 super bitch I fear that no one will ever get to see the girl she could have been. With men like David Weintraub crafting her existence she may very well end up dead, drowned in her own vomit whilst David parties in a joining rooms. This deadly scenario is all too common in Hollywood. One could imagine an altogether nastier narrative for David documented with grainy TMZ videos of him being hustled, half dressed and sweating into police cars crying foul. I end up writing about Weintraub when I wanted to write about Kari Ann, there is a terrible irony to that-that he and men like him will always eclipse her. Her meth antics on Sex Rehab were not as constant as the show editors wish you to think. Sometimes we would just lay outside quietly chatting, giggling and smoking. I will remember her best like that. A sweet little girl with a meth habit.
4.
Phil Varone, don’t you just love him? We all loved him. What isn’t there to love? He concisely articulated every problem he and others had. He was and is a superb diplomat and sensitive to boot. Watching him with his Dad has just made me love him even more. Phil and I played Mexican dominoes with Nicole and it was over those plastic tiles we got to know each other. We never locked horns, as I am wont to do with other males. Phil went to Sex Rehab to do the recovery work. If we had not been there I wonder if that work you see and relate to would have ever happened?
5.
During the interview process I told the producers that I likes surfer boys and lo and behold there was James. The big problem was that I never found him attractive. He, like Kari Ann, had arrived after a protracted period of drug and alcohol abuse and three weeks really wasn’t enough time for him to figure stuff out. He had been paid a great deal of money to wear certain clothing whilst on the show and that initially galled me. Maybe I shouldn’t have judged him so harshly. After the ‘rape the shit’ comment he made to Jennie we got on very well and I even taught him how to knit. Even though I didn’t get to know James as well as the others I respected his dolphin like sea talents. We spent a day at Huntington Beach. Watching him surf was a joy.
6.
Amber had a profound effect on me. She reminded me of a very beautiful version of my mother. Her emotions close to the surface, her aquiline elegance and sweet demeanor and real desire for recovery. Her story is harrowing and desperate. The enmeshed relationship she has with her mother, the loyalty she has for her mother, the huge price she paid for her addictions. Hearing her story would make me cry. The anger workshop we did, the paint in her hair, the way she almost flew through the air like an angel when she was throwing the paint and the eggs. I will never forget the impact she had on me. Amber, Phil and I had lunch recently at The Ivy. I am always slightly in awe of her. I always will be.
7.
Jennie, what more can I say? We were, are and will always be friends in whatever shape God intends. I am sure that my protectiveness will get in the way like it did when I now famously approached David Weintraub at Cecconi’s and challenged him after he was rude and demeaning with her. I want her to soar higher than I ever did-even though I get envious when she does. I want her success to fit her like a loose garment. I want everyone to be as amazed as I that a woman with so much talent could have buried herself so deeply in the sordid world of pornography. It amazes me that she touched the lives of so many men as a porn actress even if these broken men wanted to fix her with cheap, meaningless promises. I have not and will not see her in her porn incarnation, I met Penny Flame briefly but do not want to meet her ever again. I am privileged to know Jenny Ketcham. Our relationship is not without it’s hitches but we are addicts right? We are blighted by the disease of perception. Both of us.
8.
Which brings me to..me, the eighth member of the Sex Rehab cast. You know what addicts are like, they either hate themselves or love themselves too much and I am no exception. I could make huge and grandiose statements about myself or I could tell you that I am a piece of shit. I wrote that and I laughed out loud. I really have no idea what the others would say about me if they could right here right now-but I could guess. Kendra might say that I am a flakey friend who says he is going to show up but always gets way laid. Amber might be suspicious of me and Kari Ann would say, ‘I love you to bits but you talk shit about me’. Phil would find something totally loving and appropriate and Jenny might too. James would howl and say something dudeish and give me a huge hug. I would say, about me on sex rehab, like I have many times before, I am so glad that I got to go on the show and change my life because of it.
I get to write this blog and today, this very lunchtime, I get to thank strangers in the street who show their heartfelt appreciation of sharing all the work we did so honestly and publicly. Thank you all so very much.
Thank you for sharing this. Like you said, I have never seen “penny flame” or even a kendra movie, It’s just not something I have ever been into, and only knew who Phil was as I’m a musician. I also would have never watched ‘Rehab’, had I not somehow, last summer, ended up talking animal rescue on twitter with Kendra. But I’m glad I did. Bad and/or biased editing aside, I’ve learned things about myself after every episode I’ve watched. When we the viewers can put the entertainment aspect of it aside, there Is alot to be gleamed about us, as well as you eight.
Again, thank you for this blog entry, very insightful.
Peace!
Very nice. Wish we could see the real version.
gah. i just love you! i have enjoyed (though it’s an odd word to use) watching you unfold and evolve on the show. you have really touched me. and i LOVE that you’re a knitter! wishing you great love and happiness on your journey!
I watch.. and pray for you everyday along w/ your castmates.Addiction is a beast. I must say, if I saw you on the street, I would kindly wave and put my hand to my heart..hopefully you would recognize that as a show of support and strength.. and put a smile on your face as you move forward.
Another great blog. I wish the world could have seen the nicer side of Kari Ann. Too bad David Weintraub is involved with anyone. He screwed up Mary Carey and he is screwing up Kari Ann. He should be chased out of Hollywood. I am proud of everyone for coming forth with their problems. That takes guts!!!
Your so honest that is one thing people say about you & I think that takes alot of courage.Too bad you had to deal w/ DW can’t stand him .
I think it’s great that you shared this about the cast. When it comes to shows like this, its hard for people NOT to feel a little emotionally connected with the folks they are watching. I’m proud of all of you for being so brave to go through something like this so publicly. I would be willing to bet that you have helped at least a few people realize that they aren’t alone in their struggles.
I agree with what you said about Jennie. She seems like such a fantastic person. I have been reading her blogs and absolutely love her writing style and hopes that she keeps it up. It looks as if she has a real bright future ahead of her.
Keep up the great work!
(I sound like a teacher… you get a gold star for the day!)
I just wanted to say (however poorly worded this may be) that I wish I had discovered you sooner. I feel as if I wish I had known of you and your work before Sex Rehab, like I was missing out on something. But here I am, reading your words and so happy to be doing so. This is the first post of yours I have read, and now I feel the need to go and absorb the rest. Only certain writers stir that within me, so thank you for that gift. For thoughtfulness, and the willingness to attempt to spread your innards out onto the table and sift through them for us to peruse.
As a side note, I met Jennie just once in passing (she was Penny Flame then, and I was writing a book with a fellow performer of hers). It was years ago, but when I discovered Sex Rehab, and then her blog, it forced me to go back and sift through a box I keep stashed in a closet – just snippets of paper, scribbled napkins, tiny notes I have written to myself that are never going to end up in a finished piece, just things I want to remember exactly as they were in that moment.
I was tempted to try and contact her with the words, but feared she might not see it as the compliment it was, or a reminder of a world she is slowly cutting ties to. (I was just a visitor in that world – a teacher and writer offered a chance to ‘run away for a moment and write a book’). Feel free to share it with her if you wish:
“Though I don’t think she was drunk when she walked in the door this morning, she is now. Not in any mean or obnoxious way, she’s extremely amenable and her kindness still peeks partway out from those stunning, glassed over eyes. I am so torn in this moment. She seems to me the most natural version of true beauty I have ever seen in this sea of plastic, and at times, I cannot take my eyes off of her, but this alternates with a feeling of sadness. Not pity. Why do I want to hug this girl who is simply another stranger perched on a stool across the coolness of this marble-topped island? Something tells me I want to hear her stories. Like the drink is just a thin membrane holding in a sea of interesting things, and pain, and love, but ‘flipping the switch’ to be this girl is just…easier? It’s cocky of me to ever attempt to ‘read people’ in this world that is so not my own, but this place, these sets, they are rife with what appear to be only various forms of the same mannequin, and I would go crazy without letting myself attempt to crack open a few. I feel like she might write, and I feel like that is one tattered, loved coil notebook I would like to read.”
I’m guessing that you did the same thing I did fairly quickly with her. See something “in there”, and gravitate towards it. We never actually spoke more than a few words that day, but that moment stuck with me.
In much the same way, I hope one day to sit in big comfy chairs with you two, my hands wrapped around a cuppa joe, and just listen to you tell stories. Though you clearly both do not need a writer, I’d love to write them down!
Thank you for allowing all of us to join in on a tiny bit of your self-discovery journey, and please keep showing us what you see!
Take care.
Have you ever thought about writing an autobiography? Your story is so rich and your writing is beautiful.
Duncan, you are an inspiration. I agree with Jess that you have a book of some kind inside of you waiting to come out.
Your blog, Jennie’s, people’s stories and their comments, the show…….it’s stirring up a lot of shit inside of me that I thought was all good. Funny how some issues never, ever go away…..
This entry made me happy…mostly ’cause I love(d) Phil on the show…there’s just no way not to. I wish I had a tv in my room so I wouldn’t have to wait an extra day for the show to be uploaded onto the web-site.
Thanks for shedding light on Kari Ann. Even before this new information, my opinion about her had evolved towards the positive. Her behavior at its worst really wasn’t THAT atrocious. She doesn’t like authority and didn’t appreciate being prodded to air her most private, painful memories for the world to see. I don’t blame her for throwing bitch-fits and defying staff, especially now that I know how exploitative production was. I can see myself behaving even more abominably in a situation like that, and I’ve never had the pleasure of experiencing meth withdrawal.
I didn’t find James attractive either. Phil bored me to tears. The hyper-considered mediator type has always grated with me. Amber seems like she would make a very loyal friend. Kendra is a bit of a question mark for me right now. Nicole is ravishing and I would like to see more of her in tv and film. I can see why you and Jennie became so close.
Nevermind, it WAS that atrocious.
Yes, she treated every person on the staff as if he or she was Kari-Ann’s personal servant. She belittled them, insulted them, ignored them and generally disrespected them in ways I could not believe, especially considering they were professionals simply trying to HELP her (and this was only a fraction of what actually occurred…although I doubt they left out much of her bad behavior, as that seemed to be the show’s selling point). One comment that particularly appalled me was after one of her altercations with Selma (as well as the other woman on staff who had a position similar to Selma’s, although her name escapes me) Kari Ann complained to Drew that she couldn’t handle these “ghetto people” who were constantly bothering her. This was in reference to two extremely well-spoken, professional, well-mannered, classy women; far from what someone would consider “ghetto,” however, both women happen to be black. Kari-Ann should have said what she meant, “I can’t handle these n*gger bitches telling me what to do!” The sense of entitlement that Kari-Ann possesses appalls me. She is a forgettable, talentless pageant winner who acts like she is the Queen of England. One day, perhaps before karma strikes back, I hope she realizes how very unimportant she is in this world, no better than anyone else that she meets, and someone would should get her own damn juice in the morning.
Duncan,
You are their true friend. That’s why you are priceless.
All the Best,
Leo
Thank you for writing about everyone. I hate myself/love myself is so true. We addicts are kind of a big mess!! Along with myself, we are all just trying to make it one more day the best way we can with what we have.
Much love and blessings
Also in awe of Amber! It was going to her website that led me to finding out about Sex Rehab. Shocked to learn we have a similar problem. I regret that this show has to end with so much edited out, for drama’s sake.
I’ve been fortunate to become FB friends with you, Amber, and Phil. All of you have been terrific in our limited interaction. Taking the time to reply to my messages when you must get so many on a daily basis.
Kendra and I have communicated over Twitter and she even followed me! That really touched my heart. She seems so lovely.
This show has impacted me way beyond any reality show. Probably because it is here when I needed it so badly. It’s opened up my own wounds, sometimes bitter that I don’t have Drew or Jill. I feel like I’m struggling. Thank goodness, my husband watches it with me.
I truly wish I could know the whole group. I feel connected. Almost like when I meet other bisexual people…the feeling that “ooh, these people get it/get me”. I do not think of any of you as unreachable because of the “fame” factor. Nobody on that show seems to have that narcissism one might expect.
What a nice entry to come home to after watching the sad, absurd orgy of commercialism going on at my local strip mall. I only went to buy cleaning supplies!
I found the Sex Rehab show by accident, and I’ve only seen a couple of the episodes. I had never heard of any of you before. I sometimes watch TV when I’m writing emails so I looked up the names, which is how I found your (and Jennie’s) blog. Though I like therapy-themed shows and I mine them for tips to assist in my own recovery process, I like the blogs more. Reading gets me more involved in thinking about whatever is written about than viewing does. But I get why people bond with the show’s participants.
Because you have a trained eye, I expect you know perfectly well that every person on the show is quite above-average attractive physically, including the caregivers.
Even James, who appeared kind of scruffy and burnt out had a lot of puppy-cute going on. Nobody’s fat, like most of the rest of the country. And the PRC sure looks nicer than the non-profit hospitals and indigent clinics I’ve worked in.
Although some of the behavior was edited to come across for maximum drama, the emerging vulnerability of the most willing participants is very endearing.
So however much the story was manipulated, compressed, or reordered something worth rooting for still comes across. I appreciate your willingness to be open and share your feelings with us.
I met Penny Flame and even worked with her although not in front of the camera. i have to say that even then I could see the potential of something greater and creative but in those days I wasn’t given the time of day by any of the porn stars except the ones who wanted to try to do me off the clock. I watched the show b/c she was on it but it didn’t take long for you to be my favorite cast member. Whether that is because I am a bleeding heart for gay men or that you quote people like Quentin Crisp I do not know.
I found you, even in your hissy fit moments, to be the most elegant debonair man I’ve every had the privelage to watch. I wish I was “someone” so that perhaps I could meet you and crawl into that beautiful brain of yours. I am planning on seeing your movie as soon as Netflix gets it here in my mailbox and I look forward to it very much.
I am very grateful for your courage to allow others to watch part of your recovery. It has made a very big impact on my life. Sometimes the words that came out of your mouth seemed as though you were pulling them from my mind. Perhaps since we have similar childhood stories. I also enjoy reading your blog. Thank you for giving others the gift of getting to know you.
I’d like to Thank U all for doing the show. As addicts of whatever it maybe we can associate with various individuals or episodes in the show.
It makes us open up that door & look inside our own closets filled with skeletons.
Thanks for doing the show. Hopefully we all got something from it.
Another great blog! David Weintraub, I should have known he was with Kari Anne. Mary Carey, Seth Binzer and now Kari Anne. The man is poisonous and vile.
Thanks for the insights. I’m reading Jennie’s blog too and so far I think I’ve only seen the first 3 episodes of Rehab here in Canada. I hope I get to see her as you do. Amber I’ve adored since I saw her on Rehab and Sober House. She is awesome and fragile. I hope she finds happiness. Again thanks for sharing.
thank you.
Thanks for fleshing out what we know we weren’t getting to see of the actual “reality” left out of this reality show. Despite the editing decisions & Hollywood-izing of the show, all of you are affecting the lives of others in a positive way just by sharing your recovery so publicly. Seeing comments from viewers to all of you on your blogs, twitter, etc., people are touched by and learning from your stories. That’s a life well lived, IMHO. 🙂
I’m glad you mentioned Kari Ann not being the total brat that the show tried to make her out to be. Even during those scenes I just felt sadness for her, knowing she was reacting out of pain from her childhood and fear of what lay beneath the surface in starting recovery.
I didn’t know that about Kendra either – I love her now! I’m big on saving animals too 🙂
Duncan – you’re amazing. This was a wonderful post. 🙂
Having watched the show week after week with my boyfriend, we often hypothesize those things that we do not get to see on TV. Both from families that have had their share of a variety of addictions, we watch this show full of hope for each and every one of you. Thank you for writing such a beautiful piece about the show!
This is a truly disturbing show. I am haunted and profoundly distressed. My wish for each of you is that you can truly connect, with yourselves and others. That is a stupid, cliched thing to say, but I have to say it, as an antidote to the immense suffering I’ve seen. I think the way the show was edited was exploitative of each of you, again a violation, and I think that is wrong. This is an unethical thing they’ve done. I hope you all don’t watch the episodes, and just bring forward whatever healing was jump-started. Drew’s narcissism has clouded his judgment and although I’m sure he’s not done anything blatantly, he should review his motives and apologize to each of you.
Duncan, I’m not a person that pays much attention to the rich and famous so I must admit that I had never heard your name until watching Sex Rehab. I decided to watch it because I liked Amber so well in the previous Rehab show and I wanted to see how she was. I am glad to see that she seems to be healing although the process is far from painless. Watching the show I became very fond of you as well. I think you are a person I’d have been good friends with if we were in the same circle. I’m enjoying your blog. Glad to see that you’re doing well. You’re a good man and if I didn’t love my boyfriend so much I’d lament your homosexuality horribly. Be well and happy.
I really loved reading this, & getting your perspective on everything.
Duncan, regardless of what you are “doing” at any given moment (teaching, traveling, walking your dog, film-making, being in a reality TV show), it is very obvious that you are that rara ava in this era, a true contemplative. Immediately obvious when you took out your notes during your meetings with therapists on Sex Rehab and blew us away with the depth of your process. My God! The willingness. Thank you as well for your observations on castmembers, especially Jennie and Amber. Those women have beautiful souls. As do you.
I have never told anyone what I’m about to say here on this comment sheet. Well here goes….When I was a kid I had a older guy abuse me somewhat, but I think that I asked for it.Because the way I am, I’m a gay guy in Oklahoma now , but then when he did what he did, I was just 13. I think that he knew that I was gay at the time, but I don’t know. It has effected my life alot while growing up. I wanted to tell someone but I thought that they would just blame me for it happening. Its not easy comming out and telling that I was abused as a kid. Duncan after watching you on the VH1 show made me realize that it’s ok to express or get counseling. I don’t know, well….maybe I should.n I just wanted to say thanks for telling your story, cause now it feels like you told my story. And I THANK YOU for that.
Duncan, OMG 😉 I love you LOL. You’ve helped me so much. When I 1st started to watch the show, this is the 1st time I ever saw ReHab. So this bunch, I just fell in love with. I don’t suffer from this disease, but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel compassion. I love what you’ve said about your fellow’s from ReHab. & Jennie, she is just a delight. & thank you so much for sharing so much of yourself w/ those of out here. Cheers.
I recently came across this show by accident. It was a very traumatic experience five years ago when I realized I had outgrown MTV 🙂 I was a follower of Penny Flame but recognized the new name. I’m happy for all of you and I think it takes a lot of courage to deal with these things under the public eye. I’m sure you find it to be a double-edged sword more times than not.
All of your stories have given me strength and hope as I make my own journey to recovery from mental illness. Duncan, you are an excellent writer, and I enjoy reading your blog.
I’m glad you and Jeannie are blogging about things, I see parts of my own story in all of yours.
you come across so much better in this than you did on the show in some of those moments.
I think you have such a kind a pure heart. It puts me in tears when you were in tears. I hope you are fully recovered and you truly are amazing! =)
It’s interesting reading your blog to get a bit of the behind-the-scenes information. I’ve watched all of Dr. Drew’s Rehab shows, and figured that it was edited to play up the drama, though I also know from my own experience that there’s plenty of drama when you throw a bunch of recovering people together. Everyone has their issues they’re trying to work out, and there’s always that one person who takes up far more than their share of the time and energy of staff and fellow patients. In mine, we had one therapy session devoted entirely to our drama magnet–though the counselor was really smart and forbid us to say, “I think you…” or, “I feel you…” which forced us to examine the conflict in terms of our own parts in it.
Dr. Drew made a comment, I think in last week’s show, that really puts Kari Ann’s behavior in perspective: when an addict/alcoholic starts using, emotional development effectively stops, so she’s essentially a 13-year-old girl. Makes her behavior make a hell of a lot more sense, doesn’t it? I hope she is able to get away from the poisonous people and really get sober.
Best of luck to you and your fellow addicts in your continued recovery. I keep watching the Rehab shows because they remind me so much of my own early sobriety–19 years ago, which is so amazing and miraculous to me–and I thank all of you so much for baring so much of yourselves; even with the “look at the car crash” aspect of it all, I’m certain that it’s helping other addicts out there to face their own problems. Keep coming back.
I’m watching the episode right now…I laughed when it said “Kari Ann leaves Sex Rehab”…don’t they mean, “Kari Ann is kicked out”? Personally, I think it’d be pretty cool if you could get the footage and “re-make” the show…or something like that. But that’s just me…
Take care my friend,
K
I was on the VH1 site a week or 2 ago, looking at the photos of the Sex Rehab “cast” members. Was really appalled to see a vulagar comment about Jenny that had been posted, and up for over a week. I reported it,the site quickly responded and it was down by the next day. I do not know what joy people get by being so cruel, it is pretty obvious the people on this show have been through more than enough. I feel so protective of people I don’t really know, and that I know way too much about, I can only imagine how you feel.
Lise, you’ve hit the nail on the head.
I taught the 8th Grade for 7-8 years, and EVERYTHING about Kari-Ann’s behaviour reminded me of that age (when I say that, I mean the teens (esp some of the girls) that were unhappy, frustrated, and sometimes (not always) just plain spoiled). You can see that some of her behaviours are perpetuated by people in her life that have allowed her to be that way, but Duncan is right, she is also just a very broken little girl, and needs a lot of work.
Aside from that, the most interesting statements I have seen her make thus far are the ones that show her constant need to affirm her intelligence to people. Have you noticed how many of her statements (esp during arguments) begin with phrases like, “I’m smart, I can tell…”, “I’m not a stupid girl…”, “I am very intelligent, I’m not an idiot…” – it matters to her A LOT that the world does not think they are “pulling one over on her” – clearly the reverse happened a lot in childhood, in addition to the events we know about. She also constantly comments that people are laughing at her/smiling when they are not (as clearly people have belittled her in her past), yet the other thing that the therapists have been working with her on is the idea that she herself has to stop putting on the beauty queen smile when talking about horrible traumas in her life. (I am in Canada, and we are a few episodes behind the US here).
In terms of the idea of her being, essentially a 13 year old girl, it’s interesting. All of the theory I was taught way back in teacher’s college explained that a lot of the behaviours we would see in our teen students had to do with the fact that, at that age, their brains literally are not completely developed yet – esp the centres that deal with consequences of their acts, whether they be spoken or physical. We deal with that honestly in my classroom, using the metaphor of an egg being “not fully cooked”. I myself am 36 and not fully cooked, I think! I had to realize that though it was my job to help “grow those brains”, that I had to do my best to understand that there were times that they could not possibly fully understand the consequences of choices – YET.
Point being, if drug use and various forms of sexual abuse can stop forms of mental/intellectual/emotional development in their tracks, it make perfect sense.
That being said, not everyone who has suffered horrid trauma in their life has to make sure that the world revolves around them, nor lash out at anyone that attempts to connect. So far, I find myself really wanting to learn more about OTHERS in the house, and that cannot happen so long as Kari-Ann is (essentially) the sole focus of the show.
Duncan, the moments you had this week (remember I am in Canada, BEHIND!) where you came to the realization about your “inner little boy” – I want to see more of that. Painful to see Jennie going through things too, but the great thing about knowing you filmed the show some 6 months or more ago is that we can see the progress, and know that she is light years away from that place in her soul – it is not gone – never will be, but she is “Becoming Jennie”.
Keep on truckin, (as you “re-discover Duncan”), your brilliance shines through.
I wish we could see the real deal instead of the typical drama filled crap I’ve come to know and hate on a lot of reality TV shows. My husband is a recovering sex addict, so when we saw this show come up on VH1, I though it would be another interesting perspective. It still gives some insight, but it still covers more drama than the process. It’s heartbreaking for everyone involved in recovery, whether it’s the individual seeking it or the people that surround them and support them. You are a brilliant individual and I wish you and the rest of the cast success in your journeys. I’ve started following some of you on Twitter because I know there are real people behind what the VH1 editors decided to portray you as. *hugs*
I have been watching you on Sex Rehab. Of course I know some things are targeted and emphasized to evoke certain feelings about the patients/participants for the benefit of the show and its ratings. But you intrigued me enough to want to know a little more about you (hence, reading your blog). I realize your world and mine will never meet but the person I see in the show is someone I wish I knew. Sure, I find you very good looking. But, wow, what a person inside. I’m not sure you even realize how strong you are. I see such a calm exterior….but when I look at your eyes I can almost feel the passion/energy flowing in you.
We all have strength in ourselves, whether we’re aware of it or not. We also have outside influences that try to chip away at that strength. And we never know what direction our lives will take when something takes too big a chip from us. Sometimes we lose our way (I apologize for the cliche) and some are lucky enough to find their way back. You have the strength to do it. I see it.
I wish you all the best, Duncan. You’ve touched me with your story, your honesty, and your strength. Thank you.
~Terry
[…] Amber, Jennie, Phil, James, Nicole, Kendra, Kari-Ann and Me I get asked all of the time what the other guys in Sex Rehab were like to live with. You know, we shot the show so […] […]
“We are blighted by the disease of perception.”
Can I steal that? It’s brilliant.
Isn’t David Weintraub listed in the credits as a consultant/producer for SR? If true there is a conflict of interest imo that’s indescribably bizarre.
What Kari Ann needs is accountability. Meth may be in her life but the pain of her abuse is written all over her face and all over her actions. She needs to realize that despite the pain, she can take control of her life, admit to the pain, let go of the anger and hate and realize that she’s responsible for her happiness. Her abuse has obviously manifested into something much more powerful than a meth addiction because if she kicks the habit, she has severe mental issues. Borderline personality disorder is very, very difficult to treat and she needs to get herself into continuous and probably lifetime treatment. I want to feel empathy for her but I can’t. Her pride, greed, and chasing of fame is something more appealing and she’s responsible for that. Everyone has been through something and sometimes more. It’s all how you take accountability. She is choosing to be a complete victim rather than something beautiful and strong. And for that, I can’t be empathetic, just angry that she is wasting her life and becoming a joke. I wish she can wake up. It’s not everyone, it’s in the end, her–creative editing or not.
I love your style of writing! Am a fan of the blog. Good luck to you.
i was prompted to find your blog after reading your piece on daily beast. you may not like how you were “portrayed” on this reality TV show but the truth is you appear to be WONDERFUL. you seem thoughtful, beyond intelligent and i said every damn time i watched that disturbing show, if/when you are healed, which it would seem you are well and truly on the road to being, you are the catch of a lifetime- and i should be so lucky as to have a friend like you. if this was the producers adjusting who you were, then thank them. in fact, should you want to continue to be of service to your fellow man, you would continue speaking and helping others because for me, who you are as you talk and share is more real than your writing style, and it’s very inspiring. but maybe that’s just how you seemed on tv…..
Duncan you are my favourite “character“ on Sex Rehab.
I really don`t know much about your work…however, I guess next time I`m at a video store I will be looking for your movies.
I found you the most insightful and intelligent.
I wish you all the best.
Mimi
I really didn’t like you on the show, but you come off very well in the blog!
I didn’t like me in the show either
Watching you on the show, your emotions were almost tangible: the pain from your past tragedies, and the affections and empathy towards your castmates. After going through so much in your life, it amazes me that you’re still able to be so “accessible.”
And now, after reading your blog, I’m even more impressed and incrediby moved. You and the rest of the cast are inspiring and a true testament to the human spirit.
well written Duncan…I know they edit alot of stuff out of the show,so it is nice to see the perspective of one that experienced everything as it happened…Thank you for sharing your insight!!
I want to say that I greatly admire your sincerity and courage. Of course, the fact that the show is show is televised adds complexity to everyone’s motives, but your desire to dig deep is clear. Good luck to you and all best wishes.
It is nice to hear confirmation of how editing changes people and situations in the show. One watching always knows editing makes us love and hate certain individuals to keep us tuning in. It came through to me initially that Jennie was truly ready and willing to change and to work hard for the change she wanted. To me it seemed she really pulled the group together and I admired her for that. I hope all of you have the strength and courage to continue with your healthy journey. If one of you falls off the wagon I hope you have the strength to climb back on and not beat yourself up to harshly. I looked forward to watching you, Jennie, Kendra and Phil work towards a healthy life each episode and ended up in tears at the end of most every episode. After each one of you would have an Ah ha moment, I usually had one too. I thank you for that and for sharing this journey with us. May all our journeys into the future be healthy and happy. Blessed be.
Duncan I just wanted to say that I admire you completely for your courage to be on the show. When you talked about your childhood it brought me to tears. Not out of pity or anything. When you said those words and you got emotional I felt like I was being pulled into your heart and I felt instant pure love for you as a man who was broken but on the path to healing. You are so eloquent and classy and so beautiful. Truly one of a kind and I’m sad that I can’t be a part of your world aside from seeing you on tv or reading your blogs. I hope someday to find a friend who is as genuine and caring and heartfelt as you are to those you care about. Thank you for the gift of getting to get a glimpse of who Duncan is. I want you to know that no matter how bad you may feel about yourself, its so not true. No one is perfect and for me I think peoples flaws make me admire them even more. Keep your spirits up. We all love you. Oh and hurry up with your novel 🙂 I can’t wait to read it.
Congratuations on a wonderful blog and on a more wonderful transformation on the SR show. You exhibited depth, insight, eloquence and tenderness. You did a brave thing, and many who see the show will benefit from witnessing your experience. God grant you every good thing.
The series was powerful and you are oh so brave. I continue to introduce friends to the shows online. Thanks for being so willing to show so much to us. Great to find you here, writing. You inspire me.
I just watched the series on VH1.com. You and Phil were my favorites. Him I want to grab a beer with (yeah, he doesn’t drink, whatever) you I want to go shopping with… though I’m sure you’ll find my penchant for Ben Shermans and Levis to be a bit declasse. I’d never heard of you before, but I’m very much looking forward to seeing AKA and Picture of Dorian Gray. Thanks MUCH for being a powerful voice for male survivors of sexual abuse. Your strength AND vulnerability are inspiring to millions.
Thanks for that Nick!