Phew. I am in Malibu. It is hot and windy. Luna has vanished but she always returns, there are three acres for her to explore. The little dog likes to stay within a few feet of me; he has found his favorite patch of sunny carpet overlooking the property. The sea is sparkling in the distance and the palm trees glisten like cellophane in the mid-day sun. I think that these are the Santa Ana winds, my eyes are burning and I am thirsty-desert thirsty.
Luna just returned from her garden adventure, skipping up the path.
I wish I could accurately record the beauty of this place for you. Looking down at the valley below, it feels up here like a Tuscan hill fort or a Chateau overlooking the Cote d’Azure. Listen to the humming birds, smell the sweet Datura trees and the giant honeysuckle. Nasturtiums drift from the top to the bottom of the property. Huge succulents; agaves, aloe and euphorbia bloom at this time of year. Great orange spikes of alien flowers. I wish you were here.
Sadly, this may be my last winter in Malibu. The house is FOR SALE and I want to leave by the end of June. You know where I’m off to.
I started today in Noah’s bagels on San Vicente drinking a vast cup of coffee when a man approached me and asked if Cari Ann was OK. I told him that she was. It is still surprising to me when total strangers know who I am.
Yesterday I spent time chatting with my friends in New Jersey and Charlotte NC. I had dinner with Emily and helped her assemble her bed and watched Sex Rehab with her and the dogs.
Yesterday’s Sex Rehab was nothing like I expected. Judging by what was tweeted and commented earlier in the day I thought you all had seen what had really happened. To tell you the truth I was much ruder to that trainer than they showed. When I said I had a melt down I really did MELT. What you didn’t see was exactly who would catch the full force of my Anthony wrath. It certainly wasn’t smelly trainer lady.
A really beautiful camera assistant came to work one day with his jeans worn low revealing his perfect butt. He was a terrible trigger for me. I had a ghastly crush on him. They told him to pull his pants up but he was always letting them slip back down..
So, the meltdown referred to last night on the show was not with camel toe trainer lady but aimed at the camera assistant. I yelled for production to get rid of him. “And you can get rid of that!” I screamed at the poor boy- he was only doing his job. His ass was driving me insane in the same way Phil was being driven bonkers by Cari-Ann’s ass hanging out of her..out of her? Out of her. We were all so sexually charged by the second week of Sex Rehab; feelings were violently erupting all over the place.
BTW I apologized to the camera assistant and the Rehab tech.
I really loved episode 5.
Like many people, watching Jill’s ‘smile’ work with Cari Ann moved me to tears. Carri-Ann was a tough nut to crack. I was also quite teary when I saw my therapy revelation with Dr John Seeley. That was the first time I had been introduced to the idea of retraumatization and it made perfect, astounding sense. It was the smoking gun. It was the moment for which I had waited too many years.
That perfect realization for all to see and the anger revelation were two moments that I will take to my grave; they would irrevocably change my life. These insights had immediate effect on me. From that moment on I would no longer let Anthony defend me and I would always be aware of exactly what I was doing every time I entered that dangerous sexual bubble that leads to retraumatization.
OK. A little controversy:
There has been some debate/consternation on these pages about my views on the ‘politics of obesity’.
As with sex we need always to have a healthy relationship with food. As sex addicts we hold onto our old sexual behaviors as over eaters hold onto theirs. There is a huge amount of entitlement connected to sexually addictive behaviors. I assume, from what is posted here, that this entitlement may apply to over eaters.
Firstly let me tell you that I have a huge compassion for those of you who wrestle with your weight and the consumption of food. However, let me make my point once again:
The purchase of healthy food in the USA is restricted to the wealthy, urban elite. In countries where rich and poor shop at the same markets, where all produce is democratized there is little or no obesity.
Where processed food is sold cheaply to the poor or the poor are not educated to buy what may be considered healthy food or the poor cannot afford healthy food and forced to eat processed food-then there are higher incidences of obesity.
Freedom of choice can only exist where there is real choice and where freedom is respected. If I live twenty miles outside Albuquerque and all I have to choose between at the local strip mall is a Super Market full of processed food and a Subway..I have no choice. I cannot make healthy decisions. My freedoms are restricted. This also applies to religion, sexuality and education.
Both ‘sexual politics’ and the ‘politics of sustenance’ are in many ways very similar.
So, let me repeat this unpalatable truth: people are kept enslaved by debt, obesity, ignorance, fear and shame-all of which are endemic in the USA right here, right now. Educated people, hungry people, fearless people, shameless people are difficult to control.
In my opinion the ruling elite of the USA did not ditch slavery in 1865 they simply enslaved everyone else. To break the shackles of your slave master: lose weight, get educated, get out of debt and stop believing in a damning God.
BTW I am 54 days sexually sober..
Okay, so I am confused. From what your blog says and what the show says…you’re opinionated but not an ass..why was last night’s episode not a good representation of the meltdown? I thought you melted quite a bit…but I also could tell where things were cut and when Phil came back you were too wound for just that simple spat with the tech. Is the compulsivity of your addiction anything like the compulsivity for cutting or food or drugs? BTW…congrats on the 54 days
I love your descriptive use of words…I felt like I was there in Malibu, when in actuality I am in frigid Sault Ste. Marie Michigan, bordering Canada, watching as the glistening flakes of snow fall to the ground. Please keep writing about the lovely weather there it sounds divine.
Congratulations on 54 days! Your description of Malibu sounds lovely, it is cold here in Texas, however, it is welcome.
I watched last night and honestly, didn’t think you melted too much. Just some defects flaring up is all I saw. Not too unusual considering all that is going on.
Your therapy session reminded me of my early days/months in recovery where it’s like someone cleaned a dirty window and I could finally see. It’s very freeing isn’t it? Awareness is truly a gift, I can promise you there will be more. They seem to propel you into a type of motivation almost to get better, you come to know YOU and you are worthy of that. You will start to feel that and internalize it. Sometimes, seeing God’s will for me is the true gift of this whole thing.
Thanks for sharing what you are going thru, it is inspiring.
Your last paragraph is brilliant. As a woman who has grown up in a family that went from poverty to upper middle class, and is now on disability and poor again, I completely agree. I know what foods to buy and the proper ways to prepare them, yet they aren’t always available in my “hood.”
Obesity is just the outward portrayal of the inner issues of disparity in choices and emotional problems, just as promiscuity is to sex addiction. Why this notion is so controversial in a country that seems to what a rationalization for every aspect of society is very odd.
Be well, Duncan. I loved your movie years ago and am now glad to follow your healing.
I loved this paragraph “So, let me repeat this unpalatable truth: people are kept enslaved by debt, obesity, ignorance, fear and shame-all of which are endemic in the USA right here, right now. Educated people, hungry people, fearless people, shameless people are difficult to control.” As someone who struggles with her weight I couldn’t agree more.
Oddly enough, as a Christian I also completely agree with your comment about stopping the belief in a damning God. The way professed believers have corrupted who God really is embarrasses me.
Congratulations on your 54 days!
You amaze me. Each week on “SRehab” and through your writing, I’m seeing the transformation. You have to know how many people are being challenged and changed by your honesty on the show and in your blogs. You need to write a book, a film, something that reflects your new openness and strength. Please?
AMEN!!!! MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY. GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU, DUNCAN! AND YOU LALANA
Just found your blog, and I am enjoying it. I didn’t think your melt down was that epic. I really could relate to your understanding how you retraumatize yourself. That was a great moment. I saved it so I could watch it again. Congratulations on your 54 days!
I adore you darling Duncan. Thank you for sharing. Watching your show is helping me lots.
Hello Duncan,
I’ve been regularly watching Sex Rehab, gotta say episode 5 was the emotionally evocative for me so far. The scene when the realization of re-traumatizing the inner child meant the most to me…for it was a big realization for me when I came to terms with it and apologized to my IC for the unhealthy choices I made as an adult.
I also appreciate your comments about obesity…its been a long road..12 years sober from alcohol, 8 yrs recovery from childhood sexual abuse(was never addicted to sex but plenty of unhealthy activity), and now coming to terms with my unhealthy relationship with food..which came before the sex or alcohol problems…
I am grateful you were courageous enough to do the show…
Safe hugs,
Heather
Thank you for your comments on choice. It is an important concept that is often denied in this individualistic “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” society and you state it beautifully.
Congrats on the 54 days.
Congratulations on 54 days!!!! That is wonderful! My favorite moment I have seen of you is when you had your revelation. My God what a break through. You deserved a melt down, this is only the beginning. 🙂
Keep up the great work.
Michelle
Amen to you Duncan you are right on! I was tremendously gratified to see even a bit of righteous anger from you. These things needed to be said. Yes we are enslaved in American culture and we need a radical cure – each to his or her own weakness whether it be food, alcohol, drugs, sex…. For me liberation was embracing celibacy 14 years ago. Not for everyone but what a cure for my mind and soul. What had started as sexual pleasure ended as painful, shameful servitude. It’s still a journey, but the compulsion is gone. Wishing you a light heart as you continue on your journey. Best, Leslie Anne
Duncan, you write a great blog! I wonder if our institutionalized enslavement doesn’t date clear back to the “Industrial Devolution”. We are pressured to work for wages feeding a system that guarantees we will spend more time on the job than with our loved ones. We develop hungers from the unmet needs, and we try to fill the holes with substances (including fat, sugar and caffeine), fame, sexual charades, whatever. We use euphemisms like “quality time”, because it’s painful to face the fact that too much of our actual, precious time has been swindled from us in a deceitful contract. As if getting enough money to pay for housing and food could ever balance the lost opportunities in shared time and understanding. Of course it’s worse in this country than most, for all the reasons you’ve written about.
Smart, smart. Your comments here, Michael, and Duncan’s. (More smart people, please.)
I never comment on forums or blogs like this, but your revelation with Dr. Seeley really affected me. I am also a victim of sexual abuse (“mild” sexual abuse as a child by two different men, date raped twice as a teen), and I can’t even put into words how I felt to hear him put a name to what you (and I) had been doing. Retraumatization. I am lucky that at 25, I have managed to get married to someone that is patient with me and that I can trust, however, I’m lacking the ability to stay present without the risk of an emotional meltodown when it comes to sex. I wish that I knew you personally, because you seem like such a wonderful person. Thank you for allowing us to look in on even a small part of your experience at sex rehab, because while I don’t consider my self to be a sex addict – more like a sexual schizophrenic, I am having all these realizations and feelings coming up that I am ready to take care of. Congratulations to you on your sexual sobriety. Please take care!
Michael,
I think you’re right. It rings true. This has really got me thinking about scaling back. Duncan, awesome forum.
So many things to touch on. Duncan you are my hero. Thank you thank you thank you. I am a survivor as well, also at a very young age, 4 and 6 respectively. Like Kari Anne, I had a number of inappropriate things happen on top of real molestation. Survivors are f*cked up, so question about it! Your reactions are so real, and gutteral, I am so learning from your experience, and from everyone elses. I have gone through therapy. I get it, I was released from years of guilt for being sexually permiscuous, being manipulative, having issues with loyalty. After being seen as valuable for your looks and sex at the age of four, how is one to carry on and be normal! I never even told a sole about my molestations until I was 18, and quite frankly, high out of mind on cocaine, and it all came spilling out to a friend who had had similar experiences. We are still fragile children Duncan, no one protected us when we were young, and we in some respect are very much stuck back there, very much are quick to react as a child would (with anger, rage, violence). Therapy has helped me, but it follows me and enrages me every day. I mourn for the child that wasn’t protected. I’m angry that when I FINALLY came clean with my mother my memory was doubted. This show has been so powerful…some of the blogs have people writing in “doubting” Kari Annes stories, and it infuriates me. Victims don’t lie…it just takes us a long time to find our voice to tell our story. Are you on facebook? I looked, and wanted to request you, I don’t do “twitter or myspace.” By the way, I have done “ok” in life. I am a registered nurse supervising a large Boston medical facility, and am on my second marraige (first husband married my pathology) Its a journey, every day. Thank you for being on it with me, and for sharing your story.xoxo Lynn
You are seriously my favourite person right now. I’ve been following Sex Rehab since episode one and I’m really annoyed by it, like, WHY ARE ALL THESE SUPER COOL PEOPLE EATING UP ALL MY TIME, WHY IS THIS SHOW SO GOOD, ARRRGH. Damn you VH1!!
Watching it, I totally understood why you snapped at the one tech–I know exactly what it’s like to be the only gay person in a group of straight people, and have them not be able or willing to empathize with you because your gayness makes you too “other” for them. It’s really annoying to have people refuse to connect with you for that reason, even when it should be easy for them to empathize with feelings of isolation.
Anyway basically you rule, the end. (Also smelly trainer lady was incredibly inappropriate, wow. Really, lady? Really?)
That looks like an Ed Ruscha on the wall above your fireplace. I met Ed Ruscha when I was in art school and he was a visiting artist (early 1970’s). I remember taking him to my corner of the studio to talk about painting. He looked at my work and said, “Do you love it? You’ve got it, just keep doing it.” Even that little bit of your blog, the photo in your house, is inspiring. I’d forgotten all about that experience until I looked at the photo and was reminded of Ruscha. You have no idea how many ways people are touched by your blog.
Hi Duncan, You are so right about the food issue! I am so happy for you 54 days is amazing. Keep up the good work. You are an inspiration for us all. ♥
Did a quick google on “Rock Fall Echo Dust” and found it is Hamish Fulton. Be that as it may, good memories about painting and Ruscha are triggered.
54 days! That’s wonderful. Also, here is an illustration of your point. The bread I buy is $4.29 for a eighteen slice loaf. That is just enough for the work week lunches I make myself and my husband. It saves us money and is MUCH better than the crap that is slung at the shops around here. The bread that is on sale? $1.19 for twenty six slices. It has high fructose corn syrup, sugar, and milk products. I can’t have any of it. I’m lucky to be able to afford what I need. BTW, I truly admire you (OK it’s a crush!)Losing weight,getting education and reducing your debt are all wonderful things to enhance your life. I also believe in a God whose arms are open and loving to EVERYONE. No judgment, no shame, just love and acceptance. No, I haven’t found a place to worship that believes like I do. Why do you ask?
Commemorating World AIDS Day with Marie Howe’s phenomenal poem: http://tr.im/GjIT #red
Saw this on twitter, and thought of you. Not enough room to tweet it.
I love the doggie pics. I love your writing.
The way you describe Dr. Drew is how I feel about the Program (with a capital P) in general. I went into the Program in my early twenties for eating issues, and pretty much feel as if all addictions are one. That old adage, what is your drug of choice, “more.” It may be that in New York the meetings suited me better than up in the boonies (kinda like getting better food), but I can’t go anymore, feel the language is oppressive. It is like your writing versus program-speak. Hate program-speak. Love you.
Duncan, three fast past points without a great deal
of argument or evidence (at least for now).
First, you were right about the items of enslavement;
however, you included one item in your list which I
believe you failed to put in the “sex” and “food”
category — that is it’s a REAL necessity for a highly
productive life — DEBT.
Second, you may have your political sensibilities and
sensitives as a function of your sexual orientation
and/or minority status (in addition to your abuse
surviving and coping).
Third, is it also possible that obesity may be a
function of economic development as much as of economic
depravity.
Having said these three things, I will pour a few more
words on the point about debt, because I think it’s the
most foreign to the greatest number of people.
Why?
Simply because most people have joined the ranks of
the enslaved you speak of…they have become prostitutes
on the installment plan…they have become “wage workers”
They have turned “time” into “money” though “work”.
Consequently, the real “Credit” they spend is their life
second by second, minute by minute, and hour by hour…
…and then spend the money they make trying for “over
time” later in life.
Debt is a financial instrument. It is a tool of wealth
creation. Like food, it is sustaining. And like food,
there is healthy consumption and suboptimal consumption.
I cannot even say “debt” is ‘bad’ if spend on a luxury.
Or if spend on a consumable…
…because all dollars are fungible (even debt ones)…
If I borrow money for a new big screen TV to watch
Sex Rehab…and use the money I didn’t have to pull out
of pocket to say send a direct mail piece that converts
a 3% where each time I pay $1000 I can mail 200 pieces
and make 6 sales netting say $3000 over the year.
I was MUCH wiser to go into $1000 in debt for the TV
to generate $3000 in revenue. I am MUCH more of a
citizen to then pay $1000 in taxes and charitable gifts,
$1000 to repay my TV (I got for 0% for 12 months this
holiday), and return the $1000 to my enterprise to do
another mailing.
Oh yes, much, much wiser to do this than to “avoid debt”
because I fear it enslaves me, buy the TV for cash and
then find out there’s no “marketing loan” program as
there are holiday gift loan programs (credit cards and
store programs), auto loans, or the like.
Duncan, I have a book on this subject of being a
“Credit Millionaire” (creating sustainable wealth with
attainable debt) and if you would like, I would be
honored to send a physical copy to you and if you wish
give you a digital copy you can share with other readers.
Warmly,
Paulie
Gosh I just love you! I never look up anyone one any of these “reality shows” but for some reason I felt compelled to look you up. I’ve never dealt with sexual abuse in my life but I was both physically and verbally abused by my mother as a teenager. I’ve never gone to therapy to deal with my issues regarding what I went thru and thus at 31 years old I’m still struggling. Alot of what Lynn wrote is the same way that I feel. I sometimes still feel like an adult child. Anyway, not sure what my point is, I just felt the need to reach out to you for some reason. Maybe as a kindred spirit. I wish you all the best. -Rachel
You are a wonderful inspiration to me. Plain & Simple. It’s an honor to read your blog.
Duncan-
I am sorry for everyone avoiding you because you are gay to be honest-I have been watching the show because I have attended slaa and conseling on this topic for the last 15 years on and off and am currently relapsed.It is good for people to understand that this is real issue. It is really hard when you cant really talk about it with anyone-I am going to try and go back to meetings soon. I also want you to know that despite being an independent hetro woman I have and I do most often most closly identify with gay men. In the show I do as well I have read some of your blog and the rageful Anthony part of your personality was very eye opening-have a wonderful day and thank you.
Duncan,
Thank You. When you were with the other DR and made the revelation that everytime u had encounters with str8 men u were hurting that boy again, Dude it opened up my mind to how I have been living. I had an experience with abuse from a man at a young age. It hit me that the experiences I have had as a man force me into these bad sexual situations with closeted men. Probally causes my fear of out gay men LOL. Cant promise it will completely change me but hell of an eye opener for sure Thanks again
P.S Nothing wrong with being attracted 2 str8 acting gay men No need to change that
Duncan,
Thanks for bringing intelligence and insight to reality TV! I stood up and applauded when you told that assistant that he didn’t have to connect to having a *&^% up his ass, he had to connect with isolation! Right On! I wish more gay men were confident enough to stand up for themselves and their needs. “I’ll never know what it’s like to be gay” was not an appropriate response to what you were saying.
You are a tough one. I looked you up after that and saw you had this blog. Cannot wait to see your film, AKA. I am a documentary filmmaker currently working on a film about recovering from physical abuse by taking up boxing and fighting in the New York Golden Gloves. Flying back to NYC for a rough cut screening now. Anyway, I pray that your representation of a strong sexy gay man will open people’s closed little heads and inspire other people to stand up for themselves, even when they are in a vulnerable place.
I’m so happy for you and your sobriety, Duncan. Your blog is touching and so very much ‘to the point’. Reading your writings gives a deeper insight into the Sex Rehab shows. Some of them left me scratching my head. I also wondered how you all were doing – in the now. So glad I found your blog today. I don’t feel so much like a ‘peeping tom’ while watching the show now. I began truly caring about each of you and hoping that Dr. Drew provided follow-up care for each of you after your ‘incarceration’ was finished. So glad you and Jennie are staying in touch too. And – what better company than your dog friends could one have? There are six here (and two cats) who have me obediently trained. Please take care of yourself for all of us fans out here and tell Jennie hello (and the dogs) for me. I feel more like a family member than a fan – if that makes any sort of sense. *Hugs and Support* Connie
Greetings!
I initially tuned into the vh1 Sex Rehab show fully expecting a voyeuristic trainwreck. And while some of the patients seem to be delivering that very thing, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that you were nothing like that. I myself have been lucky enough to escape any kind of addiction, but many many people near me have not been so blessed. Seeing it firsthand has given me an enormous amount of empathy and sympathy toward the plight of the addict. Whether it’s alcohol, cocaine, food, sex, heroin, or gambling, addiction is addiction, and fighting it is a full-time job. It makes me inspired to see people actually putting in the work and buckling down. That’s the only point of this comment; to let you know that you’ve inspired a 31-yr-old punk who probably has very little in common with your life. Keep up the good work. It’s nice to see you dealing with things with humor, wit, and intelligence. Firstly, because I, too, find those mechanisms immensely helpful in trying times. Secondly, because those traits are in very short order in the united states…particularly on reality television. Cheers!
Ben
Wow-even though you talk about sex, I feel so much less dirty than when I read a Real Housewives of Orange County blog. I have no addictions, but grew up with a schizophrenic mother and an alcoholic father, and it is a joy to watch you on the show, and to read your blog. I love watching people get better, and expanding their world, and dragging other people with them.
…more WOW… great blog and great commentary. As with so many other people watching and reading I am learning a lot from you regarding sex addiction.
Thanks for sharing your insights. May God bless you and your efforts.
Duncan, you’re such a beautiful person! The things you speak of and write about are almost as if they are coming from my own mind, from becoming educated to a damning God! Personally, I’m sick of being regarded as a “hick” because of the state I live in. You talk about Miami and other places; have you ever thought of visiting less “celebritized” areas, such as the mountains and scenery of West Virginia? (please, no snickering!) Any information you might like I’d be happy to provide for you!
Duncan, you’re such a beautiful person! The things you speak of and write about are almost as if they are coming from my own mind, from becoming educated to a damning God! Personally, I’m sick of being regarded as a “hick” because of the state I live in. You talk about Malibu and other places; have you ever thought of visiting less “celebritized” areas, such as the mountains and scenery of West Virginia? (please, no snickering!) Any information you might like I’d be happy to provide for you!