I remember sitting in a car with my mother. Her car. I am in my mid twenties. The refrigerator that I just bought refuses to work and I have to return it. I am so full of fear and shame and resentment that I know the only way I can deal with this very simple situation is to lose my temper-but I hate losing my temper! I hated that the only way I knew to find the confidence to return a refrigerator was to get mad. I knew, painfully, that I let myself down. I said to my mother tearfully, “You know HE did this to me, he made me this way.” I knew instinctively that the crushing blows of my step-father had shattered my confidence and caused a rage so violent it would define my existence.
It would take twenty years for me to know how to deal with my anger and then quite suddenly-it would be gone.
When I was a little boy I remember smashing every single thing I owned. It was the only power I had over the world. I smashed everything I loved. I hated him so much. I refused to be subjugated by my stepfather. I could not fight back with my fists so I evolved a tranch of behaviors to defend myself-empower myself-some of which I have to this day.
Pat Carnes says, “Anger and sex can be fused in such a way that it is self-perpetuating, self-destructive, and once ignited, independent of culture and even family.. “
My rage comes from my desire to be free of bondage. Every time I lose my temper I have the same feeling of casting off my shackles. Yet, I cast off a great deal more. I lose my temper at the talent agents and I walk away from a restricting situation and a career. I lose my temper on the phone to the bank that refuses to acknowledge an error and nearly wreck the car. I lose my temper violently with a man I do not want to tell the truth and the police call me to discuss the ‘situation’.
There are always consequences for my rage.
After my rage-I think about sex. I go online and look at men. I masturbate. I want to be close to them.
I have a suspicion that on tonight’s sex rehab you may get to see me lose my temper. Finally! I am really not as nice as they made me seem so far. I lose my temper twice during the taping of the show and tonight I lose my temper with the vapid trainer woman who wears her nasty sweats too tight revealing the outline of her vagina. I think I may refer to it, angrily, as her ‘camel toe’.
This woman was almost certainly a ‘plant’ by the Producers to get the guys to talk more about sex. I overheard the cameramen say that he ‘felt sorry’ for Phil and James as this ghastly, inappropriately dressed woman bends over in poor Phil’s face. However, at that moment I was feeling vulnerable and worthless. I was alone-my friends had gone with Drew and Jill to do art therapy and I felt ignored. Within the context of the Rehab I felt ignored. All of the cameras were on them and THAT alien woman. My rage got the better of me and ANTHONY came to the rescue.
Who is Anthony? Anthony, caged deep inside of me, only stirs when I feel embarrassed, vulnerable, besieged or when I need protecting from the conspiring world.
Anthony, my alter ego, was the Lord I pretended to be when I lived in Paris in my late teens/early twenties. My charismatic, acerbic grunt; Anthony is invincible! Anthony gets things done. Anthony is the enforcer. He makes films and paints and etches and believes in God but he is also destructive, violent, rageful, addicted to drugs and believes that there is only room in my life for him and me.
Anthony doesn’t trust anybody. He will convince me that no one is good enough, rich enough, intelligent enough or beautiful enough. He will convince me, always convinces me, that I best be on my own-that if I don’t listen to him they’ll hurt me like I have been hurt before. That I will only ever be able to trust him.
When he leaps forward to defend the helpless child I used to be my accent, posture and face completely change.
Anthony terrifies me. When I am Anthony I stand beyond myself wringing my hands, imploring him to stop, to stop shouting, to put down the knife, please don’t say that to her..Anthony please. After he has gone it is like a bomb has been dropped in my life and I am left to pick up the pieces.
As I found out in rehab the solution for my anger turns out to surprisingly simple.
They said that I had to get to know Anthony. They said, acknowledge his attributes: his tenacity, strength, clarity but, they said- when ever he charges to defend you-coursing powerfully through your body, tell him politely to go way-that you can deal with this.
So I say firmly but politely, “Anthony, I can deal with this situation. Thanks, I can handle this.”
He didn’t want to hear that at first, he badly wanted to defend me. Now he listens and backs off. I can feel him sink back into me. Thankfully he is beginning to trust, trust that I can deal with anything I say I can. That I am not so vulnerable any more.
I had to learn to accept Anthony’s gifts and ditch the rest. As for me, I am kind, thoughtful, sensitive, diplomatic but prone to people pleasing. Between us we have a chance at being a grown up man, the ying and the yang without the fury or the subjugation.
I had three great revelations in Sex Rehab and this was the first. More will be revealed.
I am watching Sex Rehab and have been very touched by your story. Thank you very much for being brave and sharing your journey with us.
I feel such a strong connection to you and what happened to you.
Just read your over your blog again. it is so clear to my addict mind what you mean when you say the only way you knew how to deal with a very simple situation was to do something – to become something – that you hate. I’ve done that my whole life it seems.
For me of course the symptom of the problem manifested itself very differently. My rage would turn itself inward, boiling and blending with sometimes little or no outward indication of it. This, a product of always getting scolded for being upset, berated for feeling bad from a very young age. My childhood emotions either diminished, ignored, or chastised unless of course they were emotions that happened to be convenient for my mother at any given time.
The result of this fury turned inward of course was self destruction disguised by my psyche as preservation, in the form of escaping into compulsive and uncontrollable sexual acting out.
Thanks again for this and all your blog entries. Thank you for being a part of my recovery as I find ways to express myself in a healthy way, I love growing as I watch you grow. You help me. So thank you for being you.
Well said stuff. I thought Dr. Seeley was pretty helpful (he’s a sex addiction specialist?) giving you an “aha” moment of clarity.
I saw the episode this AM, emotions are certainly very raw at this point (Day 11 and 12). I agree that bringing in the female trainer again was inappropriate.
I started watching Sex Rehab out of curiosity, having had boyfriends who were obsessed with porn, and having actually met a boyfriend in an internet chat room. You intrigued me immediately- articulate and charming; you were not someone I expected to see. I have always surrounded myself with gay men, because as you say about women there is something comforting and safe…which I have always found the case with gay men. I understand your anger at how gay men are portrayed in the media, and how they tend to portray themselves…careless sexually, shallow. I find my 40 something gay friends struggling with blooming pot bellies and wrinkles, waxing sentimental about the sexual exploits of yesterday. I wanted to respond today to draw your attention to the fact that you tend to categorize another group of people through your own language as “freaks” “ugly” and people you do not deem worthy or a kind word. I noticed through the show and in reading your blog you talk about “fat” people. In your blog you said something about stupid fat midwesterners who have some sort of group “hive” mentality, as we eat huge portions of sloppy food, and shop at Walmart (not your exact words obviously but I got your point). I will not go into what I really thought of English cuisine when I lived there (my dislike of it had nothing to do with small portion sizes). I wanted to let you know something…because I find you so likable I wanted to let you know that those of us who do struggle with weight issues are often suffering. We suffer and have suffered some of the same types of abuse you speak of. be kind when you speak of the shortcomings of other people. Just because I wear the evidence of my emotional difficulties on the outside for everyone to see does not give you free license to speak of me or other people as fat and “ugly” or “stupid” or “dull”, I am none of those things. Using exploitive hateful language when talking about fat people doesn’t make you appear more endearing it just makes you seem hateful. I have had to explain this to a few of my gay male friends…and it opened their eyes. If you hate seeing billboards aimed at gay men displaying perfect male specimens designed to sell drugs to combat HIV…if you think that message is a dangerous one, why not try and quell the concern with “youth” and “fat” in yourself. As I said before I think you are very charming and frankly someone I would welcome into my own social circle. I wish you all the best, and I look forward to reading your future posts. Just remember making me an outcast through your own language does not make you or your experiences more valid.
Dear Lea Ann, people who struggle with eating disorders are akin to those of us who struggle with sex conduct issues. We both need to have a healthy relationship with food or sex. The food issue goes deeper for me as I believe it is a political issue. Stuffing people with bad food controls them in the same way that debt, bad education and religion control a restless populace. It is difficult and expensive to find good healthy food outside of big cities in the USA-as I found the three occasions I drove across the country. I feel badly for people who struggle with their weight. It is demoralizing-and that is my point. You are kept demoralized by something over which you have no control.
Amazing…so by overeating, I continue to oppress myself they way the oppressors intend.
Even before I read this, I regarded you as incredibly bright, insightful, and artistic. Please keep sharing with the world as you heal.
Duncan, the reasons people lose control of their weight are as varied as the reasons behind someone’s becoming a sex addict. Every city and town of any size contains grocery store after grocery filled with healthy foods- people with “food Issues” abuse food the way you abuse sex…to soothe, to comfort, to escape…you know all this Duncan. You insult the intelligence of people with weight issues when you suggest we are all members of the mindless proletariat. The intent of my first post to you was merely to point out to you that it is not okay to speak of fat people in a disparaging way because they are fat. I am a writer by profession and the image you set of the fat ugly lazy ignorant American is just shallow and narcissistic. Think above stereotypes, I would expect more of you- you are a smarter guy than that Duncan. What about that big girl with the beautiful face and the fantastic wardrobe every gay man has in his life? I am that girl, and I know you know a girl like that too. Everyone has a story…it’s an important lesson to learn.
Actually, I’m afraid Oscar Meyers needs to sue for all the baloney you just stole and placed right there. I’m an overweight compulsive overeater. Why? Because in my life growing up, when you were upset you got rid of the pain by eating. It’s very much something that is common in Southern culture. Your mom feeds you when someone hurts your feelings as a kid, it starts to hold over. And let me tell you, there’s a lot of negative press and media about being fat. Not to mention schoolyard bullying. Like when I wore a purple jacket I got in Vegas during middle school and getting called Barney. Yeah, that was fun.
In fact, as I was reading this and getting so – not angry, but disappointed I think is a better word – that I went to the fridge and had to physically walk away from it without food since I ate dinner 3 hours ago and I’m not actually hungry.
I can and do eat healthy but oftentimes I spiral. All people addicted to *something* spiral. It’s part of the cycle, correct? What makes someone who eats to hide emotions, embarrassment, immense pain, repressed feelings, and anything else that’s negative in life any different than an alcoholic, sex addict, drug addict?
I have control. I have the chance to say no. I don’t. The same you didn’t because of a trigger that set the ‘don’t do it’ switch right off. The same way an alcoholic can avoid a glass of beer or wine by physically moving away. I didn’t. It’s *addiction* because of a lot of psychological pain I cover up with jokes and self-depreciation still very much matters and is a holdover from an extremely unpleasant childhood.
And I’m sorry, but my overeating is NOTHING like debt problem I’ve had in the past. They are done for different reasons. Debt incurred is because I need to feel productive and stop holing up in my house, enjoying a one-woman pity party. Food consumed is because I need to feel important and loved by *something*, even if inanimate. Two completely different reasons that might be related but they are not necessarily the same causation.
Jesi, that’s how I deal with my problems-by masturbating. I had to stop masturbating compulsively-you have to stop eating compulsively and both of us have got to stop making excuses for our unhealthy behaviour. Deal?
Jesi, I think you need to find out more information about addiction. Your food addiction, debt addiction (as you called it) has everything to do with the same thing, self worth! It’s your ability or rather inability to feel good about yourself “just as you are” without external influences be it food, shopping, drugs, etc. to mask those feelings of worthlessness. You are self medicating or numbing yourself. It’s just a different avenue is all. You start off explaining it differently, but it comes back to the same conclusion of “feeling important” ie: self worth and that is not two entirely different things or reasons/ causations. I think if you were completely honest with yourself, you would be really shocked at it all and you could get your shopping and eating under control a lot easier. Hope this gives a little insight. Peace
As a Massage Therapist, I try to keep current on what is and isn’t healthy in this country (it seems to change daily!), and I must agree with Mr. Roy on one point: That there is indeed a conspiracy in this country to keep Americans overweight and steal our money. The main culprit is a toxic chemical called MSG. MSG is certified as safe by the FDA, and is in just about every packaged food you can think of. It has been proven to cause obesity, and is also proven to be an addictive substance. So it’s not all an overweight person’s fault! If we can eliminate this particular chemical..along with others such as aspartame and fluoride, we can begin to take back our health. I recommend reading the book “The Slow Poisoning of America” by John E. Erb. It will make you very angry when you read about this hidden conspiracy. When I read it I threw out half of the contents of my cupboard!
Duncan, I found your blog after watching today’s episode of Dr. Drew’s show. I was touched by the discussion with Dr. Seeley bringing up the patterns of childhood. I’ve known for decades about how this dance works with the unconscious repetition of what seems familiar from childhood, but it is interesting that even though one is conscious of the patterns, it does not mean a complete healing. I’m 58 and still affected by the impossible perfectionism drilled into me by Catholic school and also the isolation that feels safer because my brothers made me feel unsafe. When I see something like your experience on today’s episode, it helps to remind myself that I’m not living in that world any longer. I have more control over my life now than I did as a child. I’m glad you posted your blog link on the message boards. Thank you. – Alice
I’ve been reading more pages of your blog. I came to the statement “I really want to go to Paris and paint”. My degree is in fine art, I’m a painter, and I’ve studied bel canto singing. I’m still living in a rural western state where I was born (finances, other reasons keep me here) and yet have traveled enough in my life that reading the phrase “go to Paris and paint” made me almost jump out of my skin! Thanks again for what you write. – Alice
I have no TV so I have to wait for the episode to be put on the web. I can totally relate to your relationship with anger. I’m afraid of my own so I never really let it show…and when I do, it’s mostly upon myself with self injury. It’s control. I crave it because I never had it as a child. My therapist wants me to get in touch with the emotions that I have towards those who abused me, but the banishment of those emotions was crucial for my survival as a child. Now these emotions terrify me. Especially the “anger” part. I had martial arts where I could practise for hours and get everything out, sort of meditate when I was going through the motions but now because of a hip injury I have nothing. I feel as though I am a child again with no control.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us.
Peace,
K
Sex rehab today has been the hardest to watch and I have been sitting here thinking of it for quite some time. I am closeted by fear, I cannot be me when it comes to my sexuality. I once tried to speak to a therapist and when he quoted I must have Mommy issues, as I had lost my mother at age 7, and that was why I wanted women. I hid in many, many, many sexual encounters with men with absolutely no love or caring but just hoping that one could turn me straight! When I acted out, seek out a beautiful woman I also could not become invested into feelings of love. I knew it was wrong and I would always hear the echo of mommy-issues in my head. NOBODY in my life knows my sexual preference, a few have guessed or wondered but I don’t get friendly with many people either as I call myself “independent”. Truth is I am afraid if they find out and hate me then I will be hurt and I cannot allow me to be hurt by rejection. Never been faithful, never had a realtionship over a few months and now facing my 40’s head on I am still waiting for my aha moment, when I feel safe to let someone anyone in. My safety is my solitude, my defense is don’t let anybody in, and I am so alone. Duncan I think you are such an inspiration and your genuine caring for Jenny is as much an inspiration to me as your battle with your sexual addiction. I don’t want to be the old recluse that lives on top of the hill and I prefer dogs to cats. Thanks for showing us YOU.
Hello Duncan,
I feel compelled to tell you about the respect I’ve developed for you while watching Sex Rehab. Watching today’s episode I had tears in my eyes during your breakthrough, and also a swelling of pride for you in my chest where you chastised the associate by saying that he could possibly relate to your isolation, if not your sexuality. As a straight man these incidents have really made think about my own lack of awareness – Thank you!
I have to be angry to engage in confrontation too because confrontation always causes an adrenaline spike in me. I can go from my normally shy, superficially agreeable self to something like what you describe with Anthony. The anxiety makes me feel vulnerable and that causes anger as a protective mechanism. I don’t have any early experiences with violence that I can attribute this to, it’s probably just my innate physiology.
Duncan I wrote this on the blog but I wanted to try & make sure you read this…
You made my cry…
Duncan, when the girls came back, & after your counseling session, I had some thoughts hit me…
When you were alone with the guys in the rehab (Phil & James), I wonder if you were being triggered to act out (your apparent rage surfacing because they didn’t have a male in the house you could be sexually attracted too), because you were finally alone with STRAIGHT males & because when you were little & left alone with a male, you would be sexually abused, so is it possible that you feel safer when the females are in house because you felt safer when your mother was around? When you are alone with straight males do you mistake your heightened awareness of a situation were you could be perpetrated for sexual arousal? (Just so you know these thoughts-above & below- have nothing to do with being gay or straight, this is just about you & your feelings, not your sexuality,k). Was there less sexual abuse when your mother was around? Do you think the young Duncan was feeling threatened & vulnerable by being left alone with just 2 straight males because of the bullying you experienced by straight boys when you were younger? Do you think the aggression was a mask for more “masculine” behavior at the moment? Do you feel (subconsciously/internally) that straight men are MORE masculine than gay men? When you are alone with straight, males do you think you might have (what I call) a “F*** or get F***ed mentality”? Especially having to survive in a jail cell or prison. That’s a whole other level people aren’t prepared to understand-prison sex.
You seem like such a sweet person even if you are full of piss & vinegar at times. Your anger SO FAR seems to at least be directed appropriately to whom it belongs.You seem to be such a dear. Just because you are rageful at times, doesn’t mean you are not sweet. I wish you all the best.
Duncan,
You did not come across as so terrible when I saw the show today. It seemed apparent to me you were out of sorts. The comment towards the trainer, (plant or not) was uncharacteristic and (I’m sorry) very unkind. But, you were right about being neither here nor there. And your vulnerability/rage was in context. My 18 year old son agreed. I think the show should have taken into account that you are unique in that setting and offered more support at that time.
Duncan, I adore you. You are my absolute favorite on the show and, just in case this message hasn’t gotten through: You’re not perfect!
Kisses
I totally agree that the comments to the trainer were unkind. I was really bothered by that.
Duncan, In my opinion you bring a completely different dynamic to the show. You are the most interesting person there. You sound sincere and beautifully vulnerable in virtually everything you reveal. To me this is what makes you attractive and heart-wrenching at the same time.
For me sex rehab is the Duncan Show, it will never be the Kari-Ann show!
Duncan you keep decorating your house with pans and sofas and whatever you want. Friends are the family we choose for ourselves. Keep picking good ones who support your health and growth.
I agree, Duncan, that you are the most interesting person on the sex rehab show. You are the reason the show caught my interest enough to watch an entire program. I hope you keep writing this blog. What you have to share is far beyond comments about a reality show that most show participants would write. You have an interesting life and what you write about is inspiring.
I have been watching the show since the beginning and appreciate that you’re going through this on television to help others. I found it really repulsive the other show when the trainer was there and asked if you wanted to work out…you said that you’d rather go down on your grandmother. How about just saying “no”? I have seen her on another workout show and she seems like a nice person. The fact that you wanted “eye candy” and apparently came to rehab for that….that’s your issue. To scream and yell at her was degrading to all women – funny how you didn’t do that in front of the other women because they’d certainly come to her defense. I could see how easily those hurtful words (slut, hooker, etc) came off your tongue and it disgusted me. She was hired by the show to work people out, obviously, not to ruin your day. Get over yourself and stop and think that maybe people wanted to work out? Phil did…other people did…working out helps addiction.
You admitted that you would have been happy to have a hot male trainer there instead. Just because you made it about that, it doesn’t mean everyone else did. You looked like a psychopath to the viewing audience. Blaming it on your other personality isn’t an apology either. Maybe you resolved things later….it was just really demeaning in my opinion. As a woman, I was very offended by your words.
Just me thoughts….take them or leave them.
Brooklyn
I am very sorry if i offended you. I might remind you that being in rehab is a process and everything happens in rehab for a reason. if I hadn’t got angry I would never have had the insights I did. It was essential for my growth. as I said, I am sorry if it upset you in any way but polite was not my goal-it was growth. By the way, owning up to where my anger comes from is not an apology. An apology is an apology.
Duncan,
I totally agree with you that the lady trainer was very inappropriately dressed. Either she was completely unprofessional/ignorant and had very poor body boundaries or she was, like you said, planted by the producers. It was wrong on many levels (triggers for the group – as obviously was the case, safety of trainer just to name a few).
It is totally understandable that you got upset because it was wrong. You were in a very vulnerable place.
Owning up to where your anger comes from is such an important breakthrough!! I acknowledge you for that!!!
As someone in recovery from an eating disorder, I totally get that recovery is a process.
I can totally relate to what you wrote above regarding “Every time I lose my temper I have the same feeling of casting off my shackles.”
I used to be very passive and direct my anger inward. I let others abuse me. I didn’t think I was worthy of being treated with respect and I didn’t think that I had the right stand up for myself.
Learning to express myself was a long process. I am still working on it. From being completely passive and submissive, when I began standing up for myself, I would sometimes go to the other extreme and become aggressive and very angry. I would feel exactly like you mentioned above: like I was casting off my shackles. Like I was making up for all those times I could not protect myself.
It has been years of work. Now I am more assertive than aggressive and for that I am thankful. I find that when I communicate assertively, it usually results in others listening, getting my needs met and the other person not being able to use the fact that I got angry to discredit the fact that I am expressing my feelings and stating my needs.
It is a process and your reaction was COMPLETELY understandable. We are not perfect. We don’t have to be perfect and coming to that realization is a very important part of recovery.
Keep up the awesome work and thank you for your courage.
peace, hope and love,
Lily
Thank you for the response, Duncan and for the apology. I don’t know what happened when the camera weren’t rolling, but I’m less concerned about how offended I was…more concerned as to whether you ever apologized to her for your misplaced anger. All I know is that she was a victim of your anger and resentment and it just didn’t seem fair. Dr. Drew even asked when she first came in if she was “covered up enough” so they clearly instructed her on what to wear.
Again, I appreciate that you got back to me. I wish you all the best and if nothing else, I hope my message shed some light on how powerful our words really are.
I for one feel fortunate “Anthony” reared his head at the tech and called him an idiot and told him to go search for some insight! It wouldn’t have led you to Dr. Sealy’s office and to that wonderful insight you had with him. BRILLIANT is the word of that day!
How are you doing Duncan my hero? It all feels like I am re-living my life and learning as i go on how sexual abuse has affected me. It affected my confidence, my sexuality confusion, my mood, u name it man.
And yes anger is one of my weaknesses. Come to think of it, I have never been happy with my life. I am doomed to be miserable in everything. Don’t get me wrong here; mostly I am grateful for being me or for having what I have. Yes I am grateful to God , no matter what…I still feel like one day I would really be happy…am hopeful.
I just watched the clip about you on the net, you almost made me cry when u made a connection with your inner child, and tell him “hush little baby, everything is gonna be just fine.” You know! That is how I sometimes cool myself down. Assuring myself that am in control.
To get back to the anger issue, I can keep things under control until it bursts out of me with explosion. I am a very sensitive person, because I am not sure who I am. But at the same time everything is cool. What I am trying to say is..I am with you Duncan…I understand your pain, because it is the same as mine. But most of all I want to thank you for being true and open yourself so that others like me can heal. What better gift is there than that?
Dear Duncan, You are so brave! It was wonderful to see light/relief/peace wash over your eyes/face as doctor gave you new insight into breaking free from trauma.
I think his comments to the trainer and about the trainer kind of made sense. She was being provocative and annoying. And Duncan felt isolated and I agree with the other commenter about possibly being stuck with straight men only being big time trigger for him, to fuck or get fucked.
Duncan, keep on keeping on. Everyone in rehab certainly can be emotional or rude or angry in complicated, unpretty ways. If not there, then when???
I hope you are doing ok and I too treasure when those therapy breakthoughs happen. I wrote down what you said, that every time you act out, you re traumatize the little boy inside. And your new job, your most important work, is to treasure and protect that little boy. Good work.
Oh Duncan, first of all I love you and I love the show. I’m thrilled that I found your blog and will be reading it frequently. I am the wife of a recovering porn/sex addict as well as child and adolescent trauma counselor (though not currently practicing). I understand the range of emotions that you all are experiencing all to well. To watch the masks come off on television and see you experience deep vulnerability and connectedness is amazing. The process is so difficult to embrace and watching you all go through it with an audience is truly remarkable.
I’d like you to know that the mom in me really wanted to offer you a big hug while you worked on your inner child issues. That is a meaningful breakthrough and a touching experience. Thank you for your transparency. As for the rage and the off color remarks to the trainer…. that’s all a part of the process really (as you now well know). I’m glad to see that you are experiencing the rage. Life hurts less when it comes out.
By the way, Carnes is amazing isn’t he? Out of the Shadows is a must read for anyone interested in this subject.
I just watched the new episode, and after reading some of these comments by offended women I was expecting to see some horrendously misogynistic behavior on Duncan’s part. I didn’t see Duncan yelling and screaming at the trainer as commenter Brooklyn was upset about. He was aloof and unfriendly towards her and I could tell she was uncomfortable but I didn’t see him yelling at her or telling her he’d rather give head to his grandma than work out at the mmoment. The comment regarding her vaginal cleanliness was made in jest to his female friends who didn’t seem to take offense. I would have been surprised if they did take offense as women, because the comment wasn’t sexist, it was sexual but not sexist. I happen to like crude, offensive humor and I liked that. I have never smelled a vagina, but I have used treadmills next to women at the gym and sometimes there is an unpleasant odor that I assume is unwashed vagina? Is it? I don’t know. It’s rare that it happens, but it’s bad enough that I can sympathize with a person if they feel the need to complain about it jokingly with their friends.
The calling her a hooker was sexist and I can understand women taking offense to that, but I can’t really feel outraged enough to try to make a person feel ashamed about it. Kind of like, meh. And besides, I can’t take the high road here because the first word that comes to my mind about a woman who annoys me is…you know the one. It’s my upbringing, I heard that word often, and I’m trying to stop it.
The diminishing of her training expertise is something I agree with. Meaningful exercise involves lifting weights and vigorous, sustained cardiovascular exertion, not yoga-esque strething, and unless one is a novice, personal trainers are not necessary. Granted, we only saw a minute of her exercise session but what we did see is not what serious personal trainers waste their clients’ time with. She struck me as one of those bimbos/mimbos who major in the quack field applied kinesiology and think they’re exercise physiologists. I apologize if she does have a BS in physical therapy, but I have to agree with Duncan that it was her attractiveness that got her hired for the show, not her credentials or references.
All in all it was a good tantrum. One that I can sympathize with because it is isolating being a gay man in a straight world. Only 2% of the population is available to me and it’s only in very strictly delineated situations that I can meet them.
Duncan, email me when you have the time.
Best Regards,
JB
http://www.MyBestHealthportal.net
http://www.MuscleMagFitness.com
I was thinking, before reading this blog, that you come across in your writing so much nicer than they’ve portrayed you on the show. And that was before seeing you get touchy with the staffer. Admit it though. As a film maker you knew the second you saw her why they were waving that skank in front of Phil and James and that’s what really had you pissed off. For the record, it had me pissed off watching it. But I just assumed someone had had a serious stupid attack, not that it was intentional.
Duncan, I’ve read your blog and I see your point about the producers using Kari Ann as the narrative spine of the show. However, I want to assure you that for me and many like me, you are the reason I keep watching. I sympathize with everyone on the show and admire the bravery I see in everyone who’s willing to face their demons. But make no mistake, it is your wit and complexity keep me coming back for more. I know you don’t need this kind of ego stroking, but I just want you to know that Oprah and Tyra and producers and Dr. Drew can do what they might, but your message is getting through and I salute you…Jenny too, her blog is equally compelling. I’ll be keeping up with you and I wish you well on your journey! Thanks for sharing it with us.
I am glad for you that Anthony has been integrated. I carried my own host of inner cast members. All portions of my inner self shattered by early trama. My knight of righteous rage was Dan.
It took me years to identify those parts of myself: defender, small(weak)child, record keeper. Longer still to conjoin and accept them. And lastly to thank them for their protection and service.
I soar as I read your words knowing that you are healing. Be well.
I was going to come and talk about how I can understand ragey feelings and why they come up and then I read your responses to two people who found somethings you said offensive. Now I’m not going to speak about how rage is a good outlet when life gets utterly out of control and it’s all you have left to show. Nope.
I’m gonna say I was quite put off by your terminology for the trainer Rebecca. The tantrum of not being acknowledged as neither straight, male or female was understandable. The words you used? Not in the least bit appropriate. Ever. Why? Because imagine someone using the pejorative equivalent about you. Whatever purpose she served, she was there to do a job. Regardless if you agreed or not. Being a catty, nasty person? Yeah, not so much needed. Especially when mentioning hygiene. I’m fairly sure there have been days when you haven’t smelled fresh and clean 24/7. Growth at the expensive of other people, said nationally even. What makes you better than those you’re trying to detangle yourself from and rise above?
Just a food for thought.
I won’t repeat what I said about overweight people in the country.
The trainer is Rebecca from another reality show. She was the “slut” on the show who ended up “going lesbian” to fuck her boss jackie warner. She had to have been put there on purpose. On the show she is on she is constantly in trouble for sexualizing everything.
OMG! Unbelievable, I mean…I believe you but, that makes me loose respect for Dr. Drew. So that was a plant and that pisses me off. You were right Duncan, to go off on them. Sleezy producers.
http://rebeccacardon.com/
oh this shows how she acts. http://rebeccacardon.com/video.php
Wow, I just checked out that site, and she has this nonsense to say about her role on Sex Rehab:
“Also, make sure to check out “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew” airing this Fall on VH1. Alcoholics and pill-poppers need not apply; this season is all about sex addiction and I am their trainer! Watch out!”
This blurb makes it seem as if she is an integral part of the show, rather than a side-show that we encounter for about 2 minutes per episode…laughable.
Watching the clip from the second link just makes me disgusted, knowing that she was asked to be a trainer at a Sex Rehab. I originally thought Duncan may be a bit paranoid in calling this woman a “plant” by the producers, but now it seems to me that this was indeed the case. The lack of professionalism exhibited by the producers (or whomever made the decision to bring in this highly sexualized woman as the trainer to the Sex Rehab) just astounds me.
I saw her on The Amazing Race and Workout, too, and lets not forget that while this is rehab, it is a television show first. She is a celebrity trainer and that is what you would expect on a show with “celebrities”. I use that term loosely.
She did not misrepresent her involvement in the show – she seemingly explains that this isn’t celebrity rehab (which I read she’s on board for the next season that’s already been filmed) and that she’s training. What’s the big deal? No one knows how much they’ll be on a show (if at all) until it airs. This was filmed many many months ago.
Many here are supporting Duncan, and the reality is that she didn’t do anything….he assumed that everyone saw her as a trigger and nothing else, and that wasn’t her purpose. Many wanted to work out with her, but Duncan choose to work out his jaw more than anything else. Previous shows or the fact that she’s a woman are not the cause of his anger….that’s his issue and he made an ass out of himself. She was nothing but nice to him.
I have been following Sex Rehab since the new season started. You are my favorite person on the show. I can relate the most to you and I feel your pain. I’m glad you’re doing well. I have been struggling with porn addiction for many years now and watching your story gives me hope. This condition does make one want to be in isolation, and that’s sad. You’re very brave to share your story and please know that you are helping many people. Do you have a profile on Facebook? I would like to be your Facebook friend. You are a very interesting person.
Astounding! You’re right. I’m wounded. I mean, we all know they’re all putting on a show, but it’s valid without the sensationalism. Those fucking pricks.
Duncan, Best ep to date. I LOVE seeing your anger! I, too, feel that you were alienated in last nights ep, and probably plenty of other times. The workout lady is pathetic and just reminds me that this is a tv show and that your(collectively) needs are, at times, secondary to what the producers want to do. I’ve told you I ❤ you already, but I'll say it again. I ❤ you! You are the most inspiring person on the show. Your willingness to be vulnerable, to be angry, to laugh, to be protective…..your journey gives someone like me hope. Keep writing, you are helping others more than you'll ever know.
Of all the people on the show,I think you, Amber and Jennie have some of the most heartbreaking stories to date. I don’t mean heartbreaking in that puppy dog face Drew gives, I think of it more as a sad realization just how many people are abused in today’s world and still don’t talk about it. I think what you all have done is extremely brave and I appreciate the insight from episode 5 the most. Even as a psychology major, addiction is hard for me to grasp. Even with family members (although I no longer see them) who are addicted, I always got angry with those who were addicted. I felt like it was a choice and a poor one. After the last episode…I know from a close family friend the anger you had and I understand Jennie’s anger. It really forced me to acknowledge what separates ‘addicts’ from ‘normal’ people is such a fine line and one or two different choices…and I really wonder if those choices end up more beneficial in the long run. Again, I really thank you for the insight and bravery.
Duncan,
You know in yesterday’s episode, when you were all sitting around in group, and Jenny was so triggered she could barely speak?
And you got pissed off, and said that you couldn’t just sweep what had happened under the rug? Because you cared about her, and she didn’t deserve the pain she was in? Or the fear?
Thank you.
I didn’t want to ignore what had happened to Jennie-I didn’t want us just to re set our boundaries and not have James answer for his actions.
It’s a funny thing, this meta-world we’ve made. It offers, frequently, the opportunity for surprising intimacy with complete strangers. Watching you stand up for her like that … it stopped me in my tracks. Because I’ve heard that word get tossed around so often and so casually, tossed around like a damn dysfunctional frisbee, and every time it happens I desperately want someone to say exactly what you said.
So, for what it’s worth … it meant a lot.
Dear Duncan,
First off, it’s the Duncan and Jennie show for me, and I’m hooked unlike any reality show ever. Seeing you interviewed by Joy Behar made me watch initially. You come off as so sincere, so real, so candid.
And your part in the episode last night has inspired me to go back to school and finish my counselling certification. I could feel how alienated you were when the women left. And everyone looked at you like you were from another planet when you threw the fit about the trainer. I understood your fit-throwing and condone it completely! 😉
As a bi-sexual woman in an open marriage, it angers me that most therapists see straight as normal, and those of us who aren’t straight don’t fit in their pre-determined boxes. Goddess knows, in Memphis it’s difficult to find a gay-friendly therapist, tell them you’re bi and they assume you have no idea what you want. The point of therapy is to get back to functional, make your life work for you, not to attain “normal.” There are plenty of happy possibilities besides one man plus one woman equals forever. Currently I’m having a great time with Mr. Right and Miss Right Now!
Thanks for baring your heart and soul on American television. Duncan, your candidness is awe inspiring. Even though I think the whole idea of televised therapy is crap.
Without our Anthonys we may have never survived our wrecked lives, but we are strong now. “Anthony I am in charge. Thanks but no thanks.”
How you doing Duncan. It may seem I am reapeating all your symptoms of Sexual abuse are the same as mine, well that is because they are. Just now you mentioned masturbation compulsively, guss what i have been doing this past week..yeah masturbating and it is taking over my life.But I am hoping watching the show and reading your story would help me prevent myself from acting out.
Amazing how once the box is opened all of us come out. How wonderful to know that I am not alone. Duncan you are a very open man allowing us to lead us through all of this. It is definitely helping me. I recently married and suddenly went from a sex fiend to frozen and that is what I am working through. I have also noticed that I use food to become less attractive so that I am not tempted or threatened. That is new. A process I guess. Thanks for being so fearless in this. You have no idea how you and the others are helping me just get in the room and start being fearless myself.
Duncan- your instints were so correct on the trainer and although you may have blown up you were justified. When I was watching I couldn’t believe I was seeing the same girl from a Bravo reality TV show! No doubt she was put there to tempt and bother and that’s exactly what her presence did to you. Not right!I was disappointed with Dr Drew …I didn’t think he was your typical celebrity TV guy. When Rebecca was on her show she was always gettin in trouble for her sluty ways even becoming a lesbian out of no where for a hot minute-with the star of the show, of course. -Anyway, I find you and your writing inspiring. Keep up the work! Best wishes.
Good Morning Duncan,
I started to comment on VH1’s site and didn’t want to get too personal as I don’t feel very comfortable sharing my personal “stuff” with the world. That is why I applaud your courage to go on the show as you did to reveal your “stuff” as you did to help countless others. I just read your blog. WOW, you’re a really good writer! I couldn’t agree more with the blog on F.U. Oprah and Tyra!! I don’t know why you weren’t on those shows and am wondering if you will be invited by ELLEN? Just a thought! She is gay..but then again, she is such an Oprah fan….I am thinking, an invite is not likely. It’s their loss for sure.
I wanted you to know you helped me and I wanted to say thank you! I won’t go into specifics here but here is what I started to type on the other site and thought I would elaborate here. Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving here and have a beautiful Christmas season wherever you may be, whoever you may share it with. God bless you Duncan.
I absolutely just adore you! Your courage to go through this all is helping so many, not just sex addicts but a lot of different addicts. What the common denominator in all addictions is trying to mask pain through another means, be it sex, drugs, shopping, food. It’s trying to fill that hole where someone told us through actions and/or words that we weren’t good enough to be treated with human kindness. It was soooooo the right word when you said to Dr. Sealy, “brilliant” because it was!
I knew that I had been, in the past, looking to find someone to treat me with kindness, that I hadn’t been treated well in past relationships, (that men had been dispicable to me too and I was only wanting to be treated well) and when Dr. Sealy said “everytime you act out, you traumatize him all over again” was simply brilliant because I did too and I, like you, never thought of it that way! THANK YOU so much for going to talk to him and having the the good fortune the editors air it. I am so much like Amber (the seeking romantic love addict) and would fall so easily in the hopes of being loved the way I should be before really KNOWING the person. I was delusional. I never stalked the person though….lol. Well, maybe a little when I was in my early 20’s!
I now have given up dating/relationships for a while (it’s been a year) to get back to me, but watching you and this show has led me to discover why it is and that I am protecting that little girl that wasn’t treated kindly. I had a horrific childhood too. So thank you Duncan!! You’re awesome and deserve to be treated with respect, extreme kindness and have really healthy love, the kind that takes your breath away, never leaving you to wonder if you can trust the person you are with and just as importantly, you too, are to be trusted! As do I. I hope you’ve fallen in love with yourself because you’re lovable. You’re awesome…..you really are!
And thank you again for that AHA moment. I honestly cannot thank you enough! You not only helped that gay man on the streets of LA, but this single Mom in NY who thinks you’re fabulous and if I could, I’d give you a hug too!
XOXO
Sue
Dear Duncan:
You are a joy to watch and listen to. Your openness helps others. There is great beauty in your writing as well as great intensity and anger. I could relate to your incredible sadness when the terrible accident occurred that took Big Dog’s life. The traumatic tears were a good thing. A release much needed. You still have much more pent up sadness. I understand that seeing Jenny would take you immediately back to that place. I hope for Jenny’s sake you can start a new chapter with her that begins after the mourning and celebration of your love and life with Big Dog. You are really something. I enjoyed writing you.
…lindsay