Winter Whitstable Bedroom View
Luna just ate my favorite scarf; my beautiful Etro scarf that everyone compliments is in tatters.
Oh well, just another thing. I have so many things. Addicted to things-buying addictively will spring into action the moment I put down the booze, the drugs, the sex the food etc. I can’t seem to do anything healthily! I think, ‘I must have.’ and nothing gets in the way of that thought. Greed, selfishness, immaturity. Am I alone with this? Judging by the way people are now in debt and losing their homes-I am not.
I want to share an embarrassing truth about shopping: I love sofas and I love 70% off. I just can’t help myself! A bargain sofa. I can’t resist it. A BARGAIN. I used to live in a two-bedroom house in Whitstable and there were sofas in all 7 rooms-even the kitchen! Essential place to snuggle as a goose roasts in the Aga.
My goal, when searching for a place to hang my hat, has always been this: ONE ROOM WITH A PERFECT VIEW. The last house had 7 rooms with a view over the ocean. This present house has 5 rooms with a perfect view. I’m getting there. I’m heading in the right direction, just four more rooms to ditch. Everybody else seems to be swimming in the opposite direction! Everybody wants more and I want less. Enough already!
view from my Malibu bedroom
Malibu garden
My ‘I must live in one room’ theory is based on my fear of knocking around a huge family house and not having a family. Everywhere I have ever lived is set up for an imaginary family of 8. A family of 8 who dine together, who play backgammon by an open fire in the bleak mid-winter or swim in the ocean on an August afternoon returning to piles of soft, sweet smelling towels. In every house I ever owned there are stacks of plates, silver wear, pots and pans and rooms for unborn children. If I had only been able to make a relationship happen then perhaps all these things would have been relevant. Instead they sit in unused piles in well-equipped kitchens.
Extended families of friends used to suit me fine but of late I have preferred solitude.
I used to cook exotic feasts from Morocco or Iran but recently I have not bothered. The mandolin bought to slice potatoes for gratin dauphinoise is buried at the bottom of the draw, the blender bought to liquidize thick butter bean and bacon soup sits unused, the heavy casserole which should be out every day boiling stock or poaching chickens sits dusty on the fridge. I tell myself that one-day, one-day when that prince comes, he who may appreciate the joys of home cooking I will bake again!
At this moment that seems very unlikely.
Malibu spring garden
Yet, I am still buying things for an imaginary family of eight who beg me to reprise my pineapple upside down cake.
Now, of course, it is just the sweet darling dogs and me and I suppose that is how it will remain. When I finally return to Paris, where I want to live out my last years, I will sell everything and start again. In that scenario there will indeed be just one room, one plate, one fork, one knife.
During the day I will have a silver topped cane and a tailored coat with a velvet collar. I will sit on the grand boulevard and drink thick black coffee and smoke untipped Gauloise.
This outcome, when written down seems deliciously glamorous. For now, in Hollywood, this is the way I want it to be. Just me and the dogs, one less scarf and a dream of Paris in the spring.
That was beautiful. And not unlike my life now. Alone in a 5 room apartment with my beloved heeler. I think we might be the “normal” ones. 🙂
I use to think that i was the only that lived with regrets… I am a single mother of a 19 yr old that has nothing to do with his mother… i sit alone day in and day out… and like you i use to fantasize about the afternoons sipping hot cocoa on my balcony with my prince… but you know what after a lot of soul searching and book reads I too discovered i was a addicted to sex… at first i felt ashame for all the men i have slept with with no emotion whatsoever… thinking that maybe this “man” would read through me and find out I was person to be kept.. that I was a Princes… but after each meaningless relationship i discovered that i was not the ONE for them… funny thing looking back now… i realize that i set myself up for that… always talking about “how i love being single with no attachments” all the while praying to have a significant other… now i sit here with my laptop acknowlodging that i am alone.
one word of advise…. cook those grandious meals for yourself! you are well worth it… i spend way too many years doing nothing but mentally preparing myself for when i was in love… still hasnt happened but now i act like i do have someone to love… ME. I cook for ME, I arrange the dinner table for ME and now its like i am actually preparing myself for that prince… cuz it will be a lifestyle that i have and not hoping to have.
Your blogs are very inspirational… keep up the good work.
Dear Duncan,
I can so relate to what you are going through. I’m a 39 year old womanchild who will be alone for the rest of her life due to an inability to connect with, and to trust men. I do have a lovely daughter, but she will soon be off to college again, and it will be just me and my 2 rambunctious dachshunds alone in a 3 bedroom house. Alone with temptations around every corner. I was also a sex/porn addict, unable to get turned on without it. Spending hours and hours and hours searching for, as you put it “the perfect image.” You are an inspiration to me, Duncan. Please continue being the amazing and cool person you are. You are not alone in your pain. I am rooting for you every step of the way. Keep cooking and baking, it is therapy.
Great to read you and Jennie’s blogs and see that you’re both continuing to do well in recovery. I’m sure what we see on VH1 is hardly the reality of a person (like Bret Michaels and RayJ are REALLY hopeless romantics searching for love … for the second or third time). Anyway, I wish you continued success and wonder if you’ll return to writing and directing. I’m sure there’s a whole mess of story’s in you waiting to be told.
Have you ever watched Cesar Milan, the Dog Whisperer? He has an awesome way with dogs. I have a rescued Australian Shepherd and I use a lot of the stuff I learned from him. It has made a huge difference in the way she behaves. That is because I behave differently with her now. He specializes in pit bulls and rotweillers. He really knows dogs. Something to consider as you raise your puppy. He has written some great books and has some videos that might be of interest to you. It makes having a dog even more fun.
Ever see “Under the Tuscan Sun?” I love the idea of living in a house that reflects where you want to go. Maybe, it won’t happen like you thought it will … maybe you weren’t ready, but your house was … either way, limiting yourself to one room, one plate, one fork, restricts your room to grow. No one can come in to that world. I know this. Scaling down is brilliant, but leave room for the unexpected. I mean, it seems you are building a new family now, doesn’t it? Probably looks nothing like the one you thought, but you’re family all the same. They need you, you need them. I wish you the best.
Your writing makes me teary it is so beautiful. I hope one day you have your one perfect room with a view.
I feel so thankful to have come across your blog (and truly appreciate you sharing your life with us, both here and on television with the great Dr. Drew).
It takes courage to be honest with yourself. To speak your truth. Become addicted to that, for you speak so beautifully.
I have such a deeply rooted love for my solitude; it is likely equally as problematic. A victim of sexual abuse (both incestuous and otherwise), I veered on the other side of detachment. A complete disinterest (and disdain) for all things sexual. I have such an adverse reaction to sex; I quite literally have to force myself to go there with someone (which becomes particularly troublesome when you love them).
It’s like I’ve been severely allergic to peanuts my entire life. Now, suddenly..now that I’m in a “better” place and am all grown up, I’m just supposed to re-program my body to no longer anticipate that allergic response when faced with peanuts. In fact, I should crave peanuts. If only it were that simple. Alas, I prefer solitude.
Sorry for the tangent; you inspire me. Thank you, again, for your words.
About the loving to shop- since we live in a capitalist consumer driven society, that’s an issue that few will say is a problem. Yeah at this point I want less, too. I recently read Deepak Chopra’s Buddha and found it helpful understanding my foolish lust for material goods. To me it’s as insane as drug addiction- doesn’t fill me up in the end.
Oh, my darling. You and I are so on board with that kind of ending. I told you in another comment about being terminally frigid, which isn’t a lie. Once upon a time, I wished for a companion and part of me still does because it’s such a lonely thought of being single in a state of forever. But I’m accepting of situations, always have been. I’ve figured out that I’ll be the dotty old lady with four dogs, 10 cats, and maybe a ferret or two. In a small house, like a Craftsman bungalow, and it’s okay. The older I get, the more I accept these things. I can’t live in one room since I practically live there now but two or three bedrooms and one and a half baths? I’m good. I don’t need a lot of space. Just a backyard for my pets and I’m good. Heck, I’m on my way to being that lady now at 28. Then again, I have little faith in humans around me to not harm every part of my being to the point of oblivion.
And shopping? Retail therapy can work. Granted, I don’t buy couches, but give me some kind of laptop, iPod, or hopefully and e-reader? I’m there. Of course, I also have enough to create my own personal library for a small town so long as they like paranormal romance and urban fantasy. It makes you feel good to buy something, even if it’s not the best case of budget, because it *is* something productive. You got out and did something, even if it wasn’t the best idea.
Oh, wait. I have a thing for nightstands. I find a good deal and I snag one, making it a table or a printer stand or for plants. And not a one will match. So I will have a bazillion nightstands, a ton of animals, place setting for eight (like you) and be sitting alone in a chair watching the world pass me by. God, that sounds utterly lonely, doesn’t it?
hello duncan. it must be so strange to have all these people write these comments to you, or the you they imagine in their head, and in all reality they are just incredibly random people that you will never know and never see. i mean, i am just like these people, i watch the VH1 show and imagine how much i would love being friends with you in real life and how you so remind me of one of my closest and dearest friends and the issues we have gone through and shared and the dinner parties and the shopping and the feeling safe with eachother because he is a young gay male and i am a mostly straight female. and how much unconditional love and support we have for eachother and we much we incredibly miss the other when one is not around. but to write it down and then leave it on a blog…is well… well, it’s all very surreal to me, and i have to say that i NEVER write or comment on blogs like this but i just can’t help it for some reason.
sometimes in interviews or in surveys or whatever people will ask what is your favorite smell or something like that, and i always reply, “paris in the morning.” and it is. it’s such a strong and comforting and warm and real and vital smell, there’s no real way to describe it. i just love it. so reading the title of your entry totally reminded me of it and i think i just felt really compelled to share my love of that wonderful city. ….you and i are not alone…..
I was drawn in by the pants, but I’ve stayed for the great blog/writing. I grew up fairly poor and there was a time where I thought money and material things meant happiness, but as I’ve grown older I’ve realized it couldn’t be further from the truth. Simplicity, true happiness, and freedom come from just the opposite. I became interested in the philosophical writings of Taoism and the Tao Te Ching is a great book filled with untold wisdom and intelligence. There’s a great blog called zenhabits.net too with occasionally great ideas. Also, if you have not read any Augusten Bourroughs you need to!
peace,
Dominic
1. CIGARETTES: I hear Gauloise aren’t what they used to be. But maybe try Russian cigarettes; they’re still very rough and flavorful. Also cheap, but in a classy way. (Petr I’s are my personal fav). All the French people I know smoke American cigarettes, anyway, and roll their own. But maybe that’s cheap in a not classy way?
2. ONE VIEW: A one room apartment is terrible for noise control. If you have both a guest and a temper, you might try and distract them with: 1. TV; 2. eating; 3. cooking; or 4. music, in order to make a mental escape from their constant presence. But in one room, the guest (and his noise) can’t be stopped…and neither can your temper. On the other hand, I’ve found a studio very easy to keep clean. And if your one perfect window had an attached perfect window seat, I guess you could plunk the guest there.
3. ALONE: My boyfriend is smarter, kinder, and better looking than I am–plus, he’s almost as ambitious. But whenever I’m with somebody it’s such a struggle to stay “me” instead of “we”…it’s so easy for me to throw my identity away and that’s frightening and horrible and unhealthy. In short, being single has its perks. But that’s a fearful and weak person’s reasons for shrinking from couple-dom–and I doubt you’re either weak or fearful. So what are yours? Do you think you’ll be single forever because you’d prefer that to be the case? Why is that your preference?
And don’t worry, I don’t expect you to answer my insensitive questions. Just putting it out there, because–giving up on six-kids-plus-mate is one thing, but giving up on ever having a boyfriend is another. Even dreaming of one that could at least fake an appreciation for food isn’t so crazy, in my opinion.
4. ONE PERFECT THING(S): Even if you eschew all guests/boyfriends/friends, one set of eating supplies is a problem. What if you have two different dishes at dinner? Or if you don’t feel like washing up immediately? Or if you make some desert that you want to sit on the plate but which is too much to eat in one sitting, and then have nothing to eat real food on? Or, GOD FORBID, you break that one plate on Saturday night and then have nothing to eat on until Monday? What will you feed your pets on, even?
Say what you will about yourself and and your perfect view both staying in the singular, but I think a full set of flatware is a relatively good idea.