To all of you who wrote to me yesterday I thank you. So many moving emails and messages, each one lending hope not just to me but also to every reader who may struggle with addiction.
Some people may think that this is easy to share so publicly what is usually such a private condition. I assure you all it is never easy to reveal the secret life of an addict yet, if I have learned anything during the past 13 years of sobriety it is this absolute truth: we are as sick as our secrets. Every secret I keep holds me back from a shameless life.
I wanted to share a few paragraphs from the emails I received yesterday. The ones that so precisely describe my own condition and seem to affect so many other people.
“I am living without TV and Internet at home right now, and Duncan, it is a pleasure! That was my addiction, 10 hours a day or more. The TV on, watching anything I could record, on my laptop doing really nothing.”
Internet and TV addiction. Zoning out on either means that I can no longer have a TV in my house and have to severely limit my Internet use. Inertia and procrastination. It may seem odd to some of you (especially as I am a film director) but both TV and the Internet grip me from the moment I come into contact with them. I don’t particularly care what I am watching-indeed when I lived in NYC I would watch the Home Shopping Network or QVC deep into the night. Why QVC? Because commercials irritated me and the HSN/QVC don’t have commercials. To put your minds at ease: I was never compelled to buy a Princess Diana Doll or a cover all face powder but I loved the passion of the sales men and women. In a complicated world their simplicity beguiled me.
“As for sex.. I had plenty in college like most people. I enjoyed it, now, being 27, the only sex that i crave is with someone I am in love with. I have not been in love in 4 years. The hooking up scene to me is old. Plus it helps that the gays in this are all superficial bastards. If you do not look like an Abercrombie model, they have no interest in you. One thing that has boggled my mind is the increase of bare backing! Why would anyone, not in a healthy loving relationship, want to expose themselves to a health threat that could kill em. It is just crazy.”
Bare backing-the scourge of gay community. Formerly the preserve of a few fetishistic ‘bug chasers’ bare backing (unprotected sex) is now de rigueur in the gay community. Commercials for anti viral drugs featuring Abercrombie type guys convince a generation of young gay men that HIV is no different from diabetes and can be managed with drugs-albeit expensive drugs that one is required to take for the rest of ones life. Thankfully, I am HIV negative and want to keep it this way. However, many men my age are ditching their condoms and their caution for ‘manageable HIV’. It is a travesty that the drug companies are allowed to go unchallenged by the gay community. Our politics have been high jacked by the gay marriage debate so issues of health and mental health are simply ignored.
“I just turned 46 last week and out of those 46 years, I was a sex addict probably 30 of those years. I have been sober from drugs and alcohol for the almost 12 yrs. I don’t want to get into detail, because I am sure you know the drill. Needless to say, I acted out constantly. I had no personal life and didn’t really see a LTR in my future. This addiction made drugs and alcohol seem like kids play.”
This, sadly, is the email that I get most from most gay men, the story that I am most personally familiar with. Trading the idea of a long-term relationship for a life of sexually acting out. It is our greatest problem and remains totally ignored by the gay press; the straight press yet needs the most attention. It is the secret that we are sick as.
As I found out from my gay brethren we are utterly unable to have any kind of meaningful discussion about our sex conduct. The gay press has totally ignored my presence on Sex Rehab for this reason. I expected it. Yet, if this unhealthy sexual behavior were not killing us, making us miserable I would not have appeared on the show. It is essential that our voices are heard and heard-by each other.
The last email I want to share with you comes from a startlingly handsome 21 years old.
“I never knew u were a sex addict as well. Its funny because I have been struggling with porn addiction also, I felt the same way when I came to America, used masturbation to help me cope.”
The gay men who are most threatened by the message of healthy sexuality are those who believe that it is only the unattractive, elderly or somehow impaired gay who want to wreck it for everyone else. It is obvious from our pornography, our clubbing, our drugging, our hook up sites, our literature, and the incidence of newly diagnosed syphilis and HIV infections that our sexual behavior needs scrutiny.
I am not in the business of taking anything away from anyone. However, it would be irresponsible of me not to at least try and reach out to a community that I love and have served loyally as an artist all my life with a message of hope.
PS Thankyou Dr Drew Pinski for sharing my blog with your Twitter followers. It made all the difference.
Duncan Roy's Blog 
i admire you Duncan for putting yourself all out for the world to see. You are very brave and I admire what you’ve accomplished so far. Best wishes to you!
Thank you for sharing yourself so honestly and so openly. We need more conversations like this in the public sphere but there is so much at stake to be one of the first to bare your soul. Hopefully more will follow from your example.
Duncan, I have learned alot from you in the short time I have been reading your blog. Keep it up you really are opening peoples eyes to a secret.
Have a great day.
You’re beautiful and brave. You are what every man should want to be when they grow up. Honest, intelligent, funny and handsome. Your journey is an extraordinary one and to let others be part of it is amazing. Thank you.
Duncan,
To what email address are the messages being
sent to you. I searched high and low to no
avail.
This comment of course has my email address,
if you would be so kind as to initiate an
email to me, I would be singularly moved.
Cheers,
Paulie
I SO love what is happening here! Myself, I’m hoping for a Sex Rehab spin-off involving something like you, Duncan Roy, helping out “regular people,” like those who’ve sent the emails you quoted here, in ways that will most certainly educate, illuminate, inspire not just individuals but whole communities (oh yes, and to satisfy the industry powers that be: entertain). May “this thing of yours” continue to take shape and grow in only the most positive ways. ❤ ❤ ❤ (And in case you happen to be reading this, thanks to you too, Dr. Drew, for introducing us to this powerful healing-force of a man; we just love him!)
Hi Duncan, I read your interview in The Advocate and I agree that Dr. Drew is a bit of a charlatan who’s at least as narcissistic as the celebrities he applies that label to. He’s actually been annoying me since the 90s when he was the co-host of Loveline. But were you saying that he is a charlatan BECAUSE he’s an atheist who advocates a 12-step program? Sorry if I misunderstood you, but it isn’t true that people need to believe in God to be able to conquer their addictions or find purpose in their lives.
Anyway, I don’t like any show on VH1, but I watch Sex Rehab because I like watching you.
To Kevin,
As an atheist in a 12-step problem S-Annon
(Friends / Family of Sex Addicts); I do
prefer the “rational recovery” model.
Rational recovery is effective for people
to be able to truly conquer, and it makes
no appeal to a higher power, g-d, or the
like.
Having said all of that: At it’s best,
each 12-step fellowship is individual
and unique. Consequently, the role and
severity of g-d belief / spirituality is
highly variable.
The group I attend, is very honorable in
it’s statements to ‘take what is useful,
and leave the rest’.
I happen to leave all of the g-d stuff,
and consequently do none of the public
readings or prayers.
Some I ‘change’ as I recite or read.
And no one questions or judges my
sincerity or success.
I will need to review Duncan’s position,
however, until or unless there is a
“Rational Recovery” movement for sex
addiction, I’m not sure there’s another
option to promote.
Warmly,
Paulie
Duncan – first, props & thanks for making your journey public. I’m not a regular VH1 viewer, but I wanted to watch Sex Rehab to watch Jennie come back to being Jennie; but also to see how treatment differs from substance abuse programs (I’m familiar with them, my sister & brother-in-law are in NA, and years ago I went to CoDA for a few months to get a grip. Yeah, a codependent surrounded by addicts… one day at a time for all!).
The whole “higher power” thing remains uncomfortable and a sort of frustrating sticking point for atheists in traditional 12 Step programs; but considering the twisted, repressive nature of religious views on sexuality (which cause toxic behavior in the first place), I’m wondering how useful the whole “giving it to the HP” really is, when for most the deity they believe in considers them filthy rags just for being human… never mind having sex outside marriage or for pleasure.
I’d love to know your thoughts on it if you have the time or inclination. I don’t know too many atheists in recovery, and you seem open to the discussion.
So many people are writing to me about God. I think I should clarify my position. My believing in a higher power means that I am not running my life on self will. My higher power is not a God per se and certainly not a God that any organized religion would recognize. It is a God of my own understanding. That is the key. Although, when I was regularly attending Quaker meetings I learned that in the bible there was a passage that implied that there was ‘that of God in every man’. We are responsible for own faith and as addicts I strongly believe that having a higher power in my life keeps me the ‘right size’. I am prone to being grandiose on one hand and suffer from low self worth on the other. Both extremes I realize are my shortcomings and by praying to have them removed I lead a more balanced life. God is more than evident in the 12 steps and it was a relationship with God that I was hungry for when I first got sober. Harking back to my Quaker upbringing I was more than happy to embrace a God of MY understanding rather than yours or the pope or anyone elses. I believe in a benevolent, inclusive God who exists to me like a balloon at the end of a long string. I do not kneel at the end of my bed in prayer rather I have a constant, gentle dialogue with God. Drew’s problem with the non existence of God is obviously at odds with what most addicts are encouraged to believe but then, ultimately my relationship with the 12 steps and my God are my business-as your recovery is yours.
Thanks so much for replying, Duncan!
I can imagine it would be easier to reconnect with God when you’ve been raised in a tradition such as that of the Quakers, which is a very peaceful and gentle sect; especially when compared to, say, (American) fundamentalist evangelical Christianity with its focus on the “just” God who’s sending a fair portion of his “beloved” creations to Hell simply because He screwed up and created them gay rather than straight. I often wonder how much more difficult it is for people raised in those traditions to bring God into the recovery process – especially with sexual addiction.
I’m glad that benevolent, inclusive and helpful God is there for you (and my sister’s coffee cup – atheists create interesting gods, haha), to help you stay sober, healthy and ALIVE! In every recovering addict I see the little sister I was convinced I’d be burying far too soon because of her disease; so even the victories of those such as yourself, whom I may not know personally, touch my heart and inspire me. Recovering addicts need as much support as they can get, and it’s not impossible that the kind words of some random internet stranger could be the one thing that keeps someone from a relapse today. The program gave me my sister back, and since the people in it ARE the program, I feel compelled to show my gratitude by being one more person they can know is cheering them on.
So again, thanks 🙂
DEAR DUNCAN: I watch you on the show
You are Absolutley AMAZING! After all the abuse you went through I watch you be SO Caring with the other people who are participants on the show. I think you just have the most compassionate and caring heart and am amazed how wonderful and insightful you are inside all that abuse and pain you have carried. So God Bless you Duncan! FYI – I wanted to be a marriage and family psyhcologist (didn’t finish my degree) But did counseling for 2 years in a church ministry and was surprised at all the pain and abuse people walk around with but act like they are just fine! It’s very sad. But with God’s grace and help we WERE able to help them healing of their past (prayer helps, God loves them so much and I could always feel Him grieve because of their pain it was incredible to expericence) ANyway – just wanted to say something to you – DON’T THINK IM CRAZY BUT… I THINK YOU SHOULD BECOME A THERAPIST! YOU WOULD BE SO GOOD AT IT. I WATCH YOU FIGURE OUT THE ISSUE SOMEONE IS GOING THRU ON THE SHOW! YOU ARE A NATURAL! YOU KNOW MAYBE GOD PUT YOU HERE TO HELP OTHERS HEAL FROM THE SAME THING YOU WENT THRU – just think of the reward you would have in HEAVEN one day – if you let God use you to help hurting people. I will say no more! CAUSE I think YOU may already know that is what you were meant to do! So I am going to pray for you if that is ok. God Bless!
HK