It is really hard not to look at pornography. It’s really difficult when you wake up at 4.30am with a troubled mind not to use porn like you might take an Ambian.
Being sober for 13 years, sadly Ambian is out of the question. I have no option other than to sit with uncomfortable feelings until they go away-or climb Runyon with the dogs.
When I first moved to Paris in my late teens I stayed in a small room on the Rue de l’Universite. I had no idea why I was there other than I had escaped my country, my family, my other life. I was in shock. A refugee. At first the mere prospect of walking the streets terrified me. I found a bottle of sleeping pills, I would masturbate then take a pill, waking up many hours later only to repeat this sad ritual until all the pills had gone. Like heroin, a rush then a deep sleep. I have a very selective memory (forgetting people especially) but I remember these days as if I had just lived them. I remember the stains on the sheets, the empty bottle and the relief I felt when I left the room and walked back into the city.
I have only recently learned how to live in my own body. To exist in my own skin, within the parameters of the life laid down before me. I have only recently learned to trust the next step forward. You may think that I am confident, dressing up in tiaras and laughing with my friends but my bravado masks, and has always masked, a profound sense of discomfort.
When they sent me to prison, after the initial shock of being sentenced, I loved most every moment of it. The routine, the food, my cellmate, my cell, the language, the echo, the vast and towering Victorian halls. There is something very operatic about a British prison.
I was never scared in prison-my basic needs were always met. I was never attacked or picked on-after all my crime was a JOKE! Being sent to prison for not paying a credit card bill. I felt like an anthropologist in prison-visiting a foreign land. I felt the same in the Pasadena Recovery Center. I was visiting the land of reality TV, the land of mass media, the land of shattered dreams and unrealistic expectations. It was the second great act of my operatic adventure.
(If only my life were an opera.)
I loved being in Rehab exactly like I loved being in prison. Drew thought that I would leave Sex Rehab within the week-he was sure of it. He had no idea just how much I desired incarceration. How much I love having my options removed. How much I relish my own death. I immediately loved my fellow inmates in Rehab far more than I could love them in the world. The depth of love I felt for them could never be replicated beyond the walls of the rehab. My coconspirators. My brothers and my sisters. Equally the loathing I felt for the producer and production team was rarely masked. It perfectly replicated my prison/hospital experience. My fellow prisoners/patients and the guards/nurses who looked over us.
You see, I was born to be fearless. I was born to take risks. To be an artist and a gardener and a butler and a saint.
So, when I wake up in the morning and I don’t masturbate to porn-I choose life. I choose not to throw a warm blanket over my feelings and start the day raw.
Jennie and I walked Runyon yesterday. It was beautiful up there. It is always beautiful up there looking down from Mulholland over the great, gasping city of LA.
I had the oddest memory. New Years Eve twenty years ago in a huge New York club-taking ecstasy, being really fucked up and thirsty and not being able to find water. I am with Camille and Gulshan. The water in the bathroom had been switched off forcing people to buy bottles. There are no bottles left. Nobody would give us a sip of their water. There were acrobats above us and I thought to myself-this is what hell is. This is what hell is.
Oh yeah-fuck you Tyra for not having me on your show-but actually I don’t care, she’s too tabloid – even for an attention hound like me.
Agree, Tyra’s too tabloid and phony in my opinion. Some people actually want her to be the “next Oprah” now that Oprah announced she is leaving. I certainly hope not.
You’re so beautifully honest and I can relate to your comfort with being incarcerated, though I’ve never been. It’s a simply glorious way of not having to really take responsibility for your life because most of your options, that might allow you to make a mistake or a decision you might regret, are taken away from you. It’s almost…safe.
🙂
The honesty you write with is both beautiful and stunning. Your courage to paint it all out for the public to see is admirable and I respect you a great deal for it. Reading your blogs is a refreshing breath of air as they are so human, vulnerable, real. You never fail to find the words that snap at my core, but in this post especially have you reached me.
“He had no idea just how much I desired incarceration. How much I love having my options removed. How much I relish my own death.”
I have never been incarcerated myself, but I can relate to this on so many levels. The thought of being in a place where I have little control – a prison, rehabilitation center, psychiatric facility, etc – is comforting to me. All options would be ripped away from me: with them, my chances of making mistakes, failing or self-destructing becomes close to nothing. The high demands of everyday life would not be there and the world is too far away to drown me. I am away from society, the way my world works all being decided by another….It is safe and I yearn for it.
Thank you, once again, for your honesty.
It is a shame that the show took the turn of Kari Ann over real substance, and your indifference to Drew and the whole process as well as the heavy handed editing are quite apparent. I find you one of the more compelling stories of the group, yet very little has come out so far. Might be a great opportunity for a book deal.
So to my question: Even as a straight male without much fashion sense, I would love to know where your sportcoat and those super-comfy looking trousers came from? I’m drawn to them like moth to flame.
Nothing but my best wishes.
Sport coast came from comme des garcons and trousers RRL. both very old. very sweet of you straight man.
As an artist, what’s next? You are a storyteller; are you going to explore recovery in film or would that be too hard? Or too obvious? Or, is it just too soon? It will be interesting to see how your work is altered.
Good point Jonathan. I am writing a novel and will make another film one day-but not about sex addiction. I really want to go to Paris and paint.
Your story is fascinating. You should consider non-fiction after the novel is completed.
Thank you so much for actually replying, it was a total shot in the dark but it has been driving me nuts since the first/second episode. Even though I fail terribly at fashion, I do have a keen eye for it.
It is truly a shame that your story seems to be getting buried on the show and in the media. My “straight male” comment was also meant to show that stereotypes (that a straight male wouldn’t watch a show and be completely enamored with another guy’s trousers) or that I wouldn’t care or be interested in the story of a gay man’s past, struggles, and recovery as much as some haggard former super/teen/model-whatever is just dumb. It’s just as insulting to me personally as I’m sure it is to you.
If anything it offers *more* insight and learning to the audience. We hear stories of coked up, former-starlets and their abuse/dependencies all the time. Dime a dozen. But it isn’t often that a not-overly-effeminate/over-the-top gay male stands up and speaks out and with obvious depth and intelligence. It really is/was the one story I hoped to hear and my fear is that it won’t come out in the rest of the episodes, and not involving you in the media surrounding it is a shame. It’ll also be a shame if your tale only comes out in a gay/lesbian-only source because while it very well may help that audience, I think it really needs to be told on a bigger stage.
Thanks again,
– Dominic
Hear hear! “it isn’t often that a not-overly-effeminate/over-the-top gay male stands up and speaks out and with obvious depth and intelligence. It really is/was the one story I hoped to hear and my fear is that it won’t come out in the rest of the episodes, and not involving you in the media surrounding it is a shame. It’ll also be a shame if your tale only comes out in a gay/lesbian-only source because while it very well may help that audience, I think it really needs to be told on a bigger stage.”
You are very special Duncan and your message is “new,” huge and so, so welcome. The Sex Rehab show notwithstanding, I can’t wait to see what you’ll do next to get your story/message across to ALL of us. We – America, the world, gay AND straight alike (possibly *especially* straight in light of the apparent upsurge in homophobia) – we ALL need it/want it so badly. Don’t let yourself get put in a box and please, please whatever you do, do NOT allow your voice to be silenced – least of all by your own fear/worry/discouragement. Do not give up! You are a pioneer.
Duncan…really enjoy your brutally honest blog. Very honest and refreshing. Happy TG..
Erin
Dear Duncan —
I’ve enjoyed reading about your time on the show. I really look forward to seeing what you might do with the insights and experiences you’ve gained. The show seems shockingly irresponsible as therapy, although as you pointed out the audience sees only a limited and skewed view of what actually happened.
But perhaps you might consider the value to your participation. The essence of celebrity is to make people feel that they have a friend in a vicariously known personage on the screen. Now millions of straight, mainstream Americans will have a gay, British, self-lacerating, sensitive and brilliant imaginary friend who happens to be you. Surely that will make an infinitesimal but tangible contribution to our evolution. So thanks to you, on Thanksgiving Day, on behalf of my country —
Geoff
And by the way, have you seen Piranesi’s prison etchings?
Dear Duncan,
Thank you for this blog and your honesty.
I wish you all the best and that you will soon be able to go to Paris and paint. Thank you also for having the courage to take part in the show (Sex rehab).
Sending you a big hug from the winterly Europe.
Nadja
Hey Duncan!! I am not one of those crazy fans who think celebrity status is important but after watching sex rehab I just saw something in you..You just seem like the most genuine and caring person. My uncle is gay and he is the best person and deserves to feel happiness but cant because he never feels good enough..He has dealt with drinking abuse and other things but Once a person is comfortable with who they are then what else anybody says means nothing..I have a big loud fammily where everyone is in eachothers business but we are the most accepting, nonjudmental people..If you ever wanna come to any holidays or sunday dinners please do! BEst wishes
Thank you for your brilliant insights — your writings are both thought provoking and hillarious. I never read blogs, but your writing keeps me coming back for more. Merci beaucoup.
“Equally the loathing I felt for the producer and production team was rarely masked. It perfectly replicated my prison/hospital experience. My fellow prisoners/patients and the guards/nurses who looked over us.”
Couldn’t you get passed this need to see the producer/production crew as being your guards? I too struggle with authority figures and their petty rules, however you signed up to be placed in a home with restrictions. Could it be that the loathing you felt for them was a familiar safe feeling (place to be)? I felt this ‘loathing’ veered out of control (at least the way it was featured/edited/shown) when you railed against the female trainer*. It seemed as though you used this to block having to deal with the reasons why you had elected to join VH1 Rehab in the first place.
*female trainer was a sleazy trainer used on another reality show.
I know that this might be perceived as ‘out of control’ but I really don’t care what you think of me or my behavior. Your half baked psychoanalysis, your weird assumption that what you see on TV is ‘real’. Your inability to understand that my opinions about being on the show and my experience are really just as fleeting as all the things you do-maybe more so. “It seemed as though you used this to block having to deal with the reasons why you had elected to join VH1 Rehab in the first place.” What the fuck does that actually mean?
I wouldn’t say out of control, but I would say that the comment was barely worth acknowledging let alone responding to. It was pretty obvious, pretty quickly, to anyone with a small amount of intelligence that the show was essentially a sham. I’ve lost all respect for “Dr. Drew” and for that rehab center as a result of the show, not for anyone on it. Each person has issues, sexing up a sex rehab situation with the trainer and with allowing people to wear revealing clothing *in therapy* was just sad. It was clear that certain people needed real help and in other areas before cramming a group together for a TV show under the guise of help and sexual addiction. The whole thing was reckless and frustrating for any intelligent viewer, and could only have been moreso for a participant who also actually had some modicum of brain activity. It’s over and done, and hopefully there were one or two positive outcomes and experiences from it… and life moves on.
There will always be people like Dr. Drew, unscrupulous producers, and “Zelda” they are best ignored and focus energy on balance and reality.