This morning I pooed a big red blood clot and much bright red blood.  Instantaneously I wondered what would happen to my darling little dog if I died.  I am not scared of death.  I assume that someone somewhere would be delighted to add my date of death to my wikipedia page.

After much consultation on line I think that it is most likely that I have some kind of gastroenteritis.  I felt pretty bad after eating the finger food at the GQ party.  I am deliberately steering my thinking away from thoughts of cancer-though it should not be ruled out.  To tell you the truth I just wanted to hop on a plane and get to a British doctor as soon as I could but I may just call Drew.  He is an excellent GP and will know the right person to call.

My father died of pancreatic cancer.  It took 11 weeks from the date of diagnosis until he passed.  A swift death would be preferable.  My friend Dione took months to die.  Kept alive unnecessarily as the bowl cancer ravaged her body.  I made a decision years ago that if I ever got cancer I would let it take me and not prolong life by having chemo.

To be at peace with myself when death comes is the ultimate goal.  I have seen too many people struggle with death, young people especially.  That was my aim when I got sober: to die peacefully without too much unfinished business, resentments or anger in my heart.

My house in Malibu is for sale.  As much as I love it I really don’t need the extra worry it causes me.  I am trying to simplify my life.

There have been occasions recently when I wondered what I was doing being alive anyway.  I expected to die young and now I am too old to do so.

Last night a young man approached me on the street.  31 years old, gay and addicted to the Internet.  He told me that he had been following me on Sex Rehab and that as a result of my telling my story he had totally changed his behavior.  He told me that he had never had a relationship, that he had traded the chance for having one for a life of quick hook ups from the Internet.

I hugged him.  It was heartening to hear that the show really had helped some one.  Truly helped another gay man with similar problems to my own.  When I agreed to go on the show that is all I wanted to do:  Help another sex addict.

Eric and I walked Runyon today.  It was lovely up there.  Hundreds of well behaved dogs for Luna and the Little Dog to play with.  I know that the little dog will be okay.  He will go and live in Whitstable with Carol and Marc.  He loved it there on the beach.