I am really very excited about seeing Mr. Levi Johnston in Playgirl magazine.  Just previewing his phat hairy pits was enough to get the blood rushing to my loins.  He is, after all, the ideal husband.  Dumb, sexy, provocative.

Levi, guilessly picking his way out of a life littered with Christian fundamentalists, arrested drug fucked mommy, republicans, bible study, GOP, McCain, Hannity, Palin praying on her padded knees.  Never looking back.  How effortless was that?  Their snide remarks like water off a sitting ducks back.  He just keeps on moving.  He appears with Kathy Griffin on Larry King (whiskey on her breath and cheap perfume).   He is confident; he never looks askance as the gay man dressed in Kathy Griffin’s old body paws at the young boy with cheap innuendo.  He just sits there patiently for the moose to come then with stealth he just blows us all away.

Levi is my hero.  19 years old.   Giving us exactly what we want when we want it.  Want damning Palin gossip?  He got it.  Wanna hear the truth about Bristol?  He’ll tell you.  Want to see his perfect butt?  He gonna show it.   Oh Levi.  Only in America could you become such a star.   You are the patron saint of US Weekly.  The divinity we non-Christians have been waiting, longing for.  A regular St Sebastian (lite) already smite with arrows.

I think I may be in love with you-and I know that you wouldn’t care.  You are modern enough to realize that me loving you, lusting after you cannot possibly hurt you.  You would spread your cheeks for me as long as I didn’t touch your pink rose bud.  I just know it.  Unlike the puggish, too perfect Taylor Lautner you, my darling, are quietly aware of your masculinity.  Taylor, go fuck yourself.  Levi would whip your bubble butt.  Then rape you Wassilla style with the butt of his rifle.  Oh..maybe not.

Levi..you are a flirt, a seducer, a media sex God.  When you ain’t St Sebastian you are Helen of Troy, when neither of the above you are simply Levi.  The boy who wouldn’t lay down and die.  Refused to be used.  The clean-cut kid who took hold of America and savagely kissed us all with your plump, teenage lips.  Drowning in our lust.   The boy who can’t say no.  The boy we all wanted or wanted to be.

Sarah Palin is praying for you Levi.  I am praying for you.  Your peers are praying that you make a fortune.  That you get the girl.  That you love every second of your fifteen minutes.  After all, you can always go home to Alaska..if everything goes tits up. Your people are Christians folk-they’ll forgive you-they’ll forgive anyone anything as long as you give yourself to Jesus.  It’s in their DNA. It’s the fucking LAW.

I think, yes I am sure..I love you.