Getting up in the morning to a camera shoved in my face totally validated my existence. It was the one component of being on Sex Rehab that I hadn’t reckoned on. As soon as I had my microphone pinned to my shirt I felt alive. It was the thing that I missed the most when I left the Pasedena Recovery Center and the one element of making the show that I felt ashamed to admit.
I thought often of Andy Warhol during the three weeks that I was in the show. I dressed accordingly. Picking unusual and colourful shirts and pantaloons. If ever there was evidence of narcissism in my life this was it. Obviously I kept quiet about it. I didn’t want anyone to think that my intentions were not 100% honorable. The other unexpected bi-product of being filmed 24/7 was to tell the truth. I might have altered a few things-simply because I wanted to protect myself from unwanted attention when the show was over but 99.5% of the time I was truthful. That, in itself, was a revelation. Telling the truth, being true to oneself and being of service to those around me governed my experience.
The women taught me a great deal. Obviously I had a great deal in common with the women. We had similar stories. Similar dealings with men. There was a pecking order amongst the women that went something like this: The Playmates looked down on the porn starts, the porn stars looked down on the prostitutes but the Playmates had been, at one time or another, prostitutes. It was a fascinating dynamic.
My relationship with Jennie blossomed when we both realized that neither of us would‘miss’ being in treatment; that we would do the work and unsentimentally move on. The others, within a couple of days, were already projecting to the end of the experience and talking about how much they would miss us. Of course, by the time it ended Jennie and I were the ones who would miss the experience most.
The moment I met Jennie I realized that she was born to be more that the woman she was. Infinitely talented she, like many women, only expected so much from her life and it was a joy to critique her writing, her painting and encourage her to free her thinking. It was a joy to see her flourishand as her friend to this day I continue to watch her grow. Occasionally I am really jealous that I had not met a man like me in similar circumstances when I was her age who would have taken the time-but, the truth is I met many men who spent hours trying to help me and I pushed them all away like the petulant child I am apt to be.
I have always existed at the edge of society gay and straight. Outspoken, sober and eclectic my complicated life was fashioned about me like a force field that kept only the most tenacious from getting to know me. I had deliberately and successfully made low budget, gay art films for gay art house festival audiences all over the world. I used the language and locations of my gay, rarified life and suddenly here I was thrust violently onto a reality TV show that millions would see and hear me speak the most unpalatable truths.
The saddest part of being on the rehab show has been the untamed anger of the more entitled of my gay breatheren. Petrified of change, scrutiny and self awareness. Bristling with sanctimonious fury they tell me in no uncertain terms to mind my own business. To stay out of their underwear. The majority of the gay media will not even acknowledge my existence on the show. The party boys who control our gay press do not want to go near sobriety or sex conduct. It is all too confronting and worse-may lose them precious advertising revenue.
Did I think that I would one day try to spread this sex addiction message? No. When I was out there balls deep in popular gay bar/club culture getting what ever I wanted could I have imagined a healthier life? No. Did I give any of this a second thought when Joe and I buried our 100th friend from AIDS complications? I did not. Was I just as imperious and entitled as the men who now routinely brand me homophobic and self loathing-yes I was. But the truth is we live in evolving times. Our understanding of unhealthy, destructive behaviours has become more astute. We cannot continue to live in the same way just because we always have. GBLT: A coalition of the unwilling. Gays hating Bisexuals, damning trannies, ignoring lesbians. Who are we?
Duncan Roy's Blog 
Are you SURE “hope that a young, fearless leader would emerge…did not materialize?” (rf: Nov. 12 – GAYBIES) Because – well, all I can say is, keep talking! From reading this and just a few other posts it has become apparent that you are willing and able to tell the real truth, no matter how unpalatable it may be. Not many people have the courage to do this. Furthermore, you do so in a constructive, caring way and speak from a place of very rich experience. Very few people have found that much integrity. AND, the fact that you are not shy of the spotlight; even feel that it validates you… well I can think of no better way to channel this would-be narcissism than by helping others find what you are finding: much-needed healing! The thing is people recognize the truth when they hear it (but not if they don’t hear it I suppose – how could they, really?). That’s why they react! Eventually, some at least (the invisigays?) are bound to react favorably rather than blow you off with the vodka-and-cocaine-breathed sanctimony of denial (ew, wow – just realized that phrase describes my dad). So, anyway: Young, fearless leader (yes, you heard me, I said young! – if you don’t believe 40s is young, check back when you’re in your 60s), you are SO, so smart. Keep talking! And thank you. Can’t wait to hear more.
I just wanted to tell you how beautiful, insightful and intelligent you are and how you are the reason that me and my boyfriend watch sex rehab. You make the show worth watching and you make it as close to “reality” as reality television can be. With your keen insight and honesty, I can’t help myself from wanting to see more of you.
I am a straight married woman. And I feel your pain when you said “you died” that day, your face and physical reaction after you said it…I felt. You stand out for me. You’re so beautiful now and always.
I also want to tell you , you are an amazing person and reading your blog puts the grandest smile on my face!
Mr. Roy,
I want to start by saying that I was aware of your existence before I saw reality rehab… but obviously .I really had no idea who you were. After the first episode I was entranced. You fascinate me. Although we have never met I feel kindred…if not completely comforted by the mere thought of your existence. If you and I were to ever meet we’d have much catching up to do as I feel as if I have known you forever. However; I also feel it would be the type of friendship that if we did not see each other for years the moment we saw each other it would be as if no time had passed at all. I found your blog and intend to read it faithfully. Keep on keeping being you Duncan. Suffice to say “I get it”.
Ps…I don’t usually post comments, ever. I was inspired to write to you….hope you don’t find it “too stalky”. I wrote from the heart.
You are AWESOME! Your honesty is inspiring. I wish you all the best mental & physical & spiritual health in the world.
As many have stated above, your honesty and way with words is both inspiring and intriguing. I am a 20 year old female, and because of watching this show, specifically your bravery, I am going to my first sexual addiction meeting. thank you for your presence on the show. i find you a beautiful person.
Here it is: “Occasionally I am really jealous that I had not met a man like me in similar circumstances when I was her age who would have taken the time-but, the truth is I met many men who spent hours trying to help me and I pushed them all away like the petulant child I am apt to be.”
This was the line that leads me to remind that youth is wasted on the young.
Bravo Duncan.
Cheers mate,
Paulie
Hi, I just wanted to say that I watched you on the show, so all I know about you is this show. I think that you really are a good friend. You are kind, caring and you listen. Don’t listen to the down things that people say about you. I will tell you what I tell my 2 boys (now 17 & 18, i’m 37) If all people can do is talk shit about you it is because they have nothing else better in there life to do than talk about you. I wish I had listen to that advise when I was in high school my life might not have been so hard. But you know what, thru all my additions and abuse, sexual, mental and very fiscal, there are very few things that I might have changed. i’ll tell you one night about 2 years ago, my and my 2 boys were not sure where we might be living in a few weeks and it was crazy, I was able to find an apartment and I looked at my 15 year old at the time and I said, “I am so sorry for everything that has happened to you in your life because of me,” he said, “Mama, everything was NOT as bad as you think it was, and I would not change ANYTHING because then we wouldn’t be where we are today and today I am happy, I love you and I know you love me.” That was from a 15 yr old. We have had a tough go at it, but like my son said, he wouldn’t change anything. My oldest is a great young man too.
So I guess what I am trying to say is if you can go thru life and have just one good friend, anyone would be lucky to have you. So take care, God Bless. Another thing my mom always tells me when I get upset is “Just think, you are better off today then you where a year ago,” (She tends to make it a month, year, 2 years, lol what ever makes me feel better) but it is true, and that saying works!.
So Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
P.S. Don’t feel bad for Kerry Ann She is a Bitch and that’s being nice. Unfortunately she has been given everything and needs someone to say NO.